AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

I think there's a big difference between living with a firm but loving parent and living with an unrelated strict man. Does your fiance like her or find her an irritating obstacle to your relationship? Best to let her stay with her dad if she's happier there. I wouldn't marry someone my dc weren't happy living with.

But it's not nice for a child to have to share their home with an unrelated adult. While I don't share the common MN view that single mothers should stay single, I don't see why partners have to be moved in. I don't see what's wrong with keeping it as a dating relationship.

A teenage girl who would sooner live with a closely biologically related adult male than with a completely biologically unrelated adult male? Seems very sensible of her.

I'm not understanding. Why would it be so so terrible for your husband to ask his own kids to tidy their rooms?

Indeed.

Kids aren't kids forever. Most people will have decades after they're grown in which to marry. They can date until then. It just depends whether you put your dcs wellbeing above your wish to move a new man in ASAP or not.

Because that’s not what most people want. If you split with the kids’ dad when they are 3 then that’s 15+ years of a “dating relationship”. Some people might be okay with that but many don’t want a life like that and want to experience marriage and living together. Hopefully with part of the royal family now being a blended family (and actually Anne remarried when her kids were teens/tweens so it was a thing before) people will see it’s not the worst thing in the world to happen to a child.

I do think he should back off a bit to see if it gets better.

Given the past contradictions from the OP where she moans about her stepkid’s mum I don’t think this is a genuine post anyway.

And she’d be living with her stepmum. Surprised people haven’t insisted the dad gets divorced to put his daughter first.

Very odd that you had no notification of the court proceedings.

Step mums are much less of a danger then step dads. Because males are much more of a danger than females.

Ah be nice to have that reassurance on some of the threads where stepmums are made out to be scum of the earth.

Women don't tend to pose quite the same risk to teenage girls, do they? And girls tend to feel more comfortable around women.
The daughter may know her stepmother quite well and get along with her, at least better than she does with the prospective stepdad.

That man will be long gone and you will have no relationship with your Daughter and the only person to blame will be you.

OP has experienced marriage and living together. And her child had to go along with that too.

When you have a child, that means putting them first and not always doing what you want when you want. If she really can't wait to get married to the guy who orders her child around and argues with her about her, great news, the kid just made it really easy for her. The important thing is experiencing marriage and living together with him, so what's the problem, huh?

It's not just about parent wants, it's about what's best for the children.
The Royals aren't a great example of a functional family.

She doesn't have to end it. They can just date (with him living in his own place).

I'm always a bit put out tbh when people start going on about how they've always put their kids first. You're supposed to put your kids first. You're supposed to create a safe and secure environment for them. What do you want, a medal? And if you're so selfless and sacrificing, why is it suddenly a problem now? Why can't you just date your boyfriend and not force your child to live with him when he makes her miserable?

Idk, Zara and Peter (who had a stepdad) seem pretty down to earth compared to many of them and seem happy and normal people. And while there are horrible exceptions like Andrew, it’s not like they’re Britain's most dysfunctional family by any means.

You keep telling yourself that. Doesn’t make it true.

I hope your DD is safe now. You really should be ashamed.

Exactly. OP has made her choice. Living with her new strict man comes first.
She doesn't now get to demand her dd comes home to continue being unhappy.

Prioritise your daughter

This! Don't make her live with him. Choose your daughter over this man. I wish my mum had

I moved out when my mum insisted on moving in and then marrying a man I couldn’t stand. This is her only way to escape when you aren’t listening. Start listening. It’s taken 25 years to truly repair my relationship with my mum.

Oh god same. Why do they always have to move them in? Money I guess? If my marriage had imploded while my kids were small, it’d have been a cold day in hell before I let some rando bloke become a surrogate dad. Even an (presumed) good one, they’re just too vulnerable. Date away if that’s what you want, but keep the kids far away from it

if she's lived with other men that you've moved in previously without problem it sounds very much like it is this man in particular and you are ignoring what she's saying. Additionally why is your boyfriend even seeing the inside of your daughter's bedroom to know that it's messy and need tidying up? you either try and rebuild your relationship with your daughter whilst she lived with her dad and or put the brakes on getting married. I think you definitely need to listen a lot more closely and take on board what she's saying.