AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

OP, you need go listen to your deeply unhappy child.

Has he convinced you that you have failed her?
Are these his words?

I think you have a choice between this man and your child.

Let her live with her father.
She is happy there.

Make a different choice and perhaps you can save your relationship with your child.

It is unfathomable to me that a mother would pick a relationship over her own child, so think very carefully about your decision.

OP, I don't think you have to end your relationship, but I do think he should go back to boyfriend status and that the two of you should just date. That is, he should move out, and not be over all the time except when your daughter's at her dad's. Thirteen is a delicate age. What young teen girl would want an unrelated man who she doesn't know living in the house? She needs to feel like it's her home too, and at the moment, it clearly doesn't. And I doubt her dad's feels like her home, either, judging by what she's said in the past and the fact that he has a new partner, too.

Can't you just give her a few more years of it being her and you? Remember, men come and go, but children are for life. And why the hurry to get married? The vast majority of marriages fail, if you count the lot that stay together unhappily. Actual HAPPY longterm marriages are only thought to be about twenty percent. And the divorce stats are really high for second marriages. Marriage truly is a castle built on sand, for the majority. So think twice before you put your partner ahead of what your daughter wants. Really and truly. Think twice.

No she hasn’t. You have put your desires for multiple relationships ahead of her needs.

Your partner is her problem. She doesn't want to live with him. She was thinking that due to all the arguing you would be splitting up.

Telling her that's not going to happen and she's stuck with him has prompted her to make the decision to move out.

You should respect her decision. She shouldn't be forced to live with him if she doesn't want to.

Well you choose some funny times to suddenly start getting firm, then, don't you?

None of this obliges her to live with an unrelated man who thinks he's got authority over her when he hasn't, and none of it will be solved by you trying to force her into it. Poor child. If you won't choose her over the boyfriend despite all your selfless parenting then it's better all round that she lives with her dad.

I would ditch the man or at least postpone marriage till she’s older. If you don’t put her first now she will never forgive you.

As for living with her dad - I did a stint living with my dad after a fight with my mum (stupid fight, I was definitely wrong) when I was 12. Lasted 6 months and was begging to come back to my mums. Pizza for tea and no bedtime is great until it’s not. She will most likely come back but her relationship with you and probably the relationship with her dad will be seriously damaged.

Regardless of who is wrong or right, most teenage girls would prefer to live with their dad over an unrelated man they don't get on with.

At 13 she can decide for herself where she lives.

Why is he discplining her?
Thats your job, not his.
Of course it is going to get her back up.
The state of her bedroom will be a teen flash point and he is sticking his nose in.

My husband wouldn't dream of going there with our girls, his daughters, he knows better than to go there.

I think your child has taken drastic action because she sees your first priority is not her.

Huge mistake that you may bitterly regret.

If it won't change anything then don't do it. Prioritise your child, do not get married and probably kick him out.

Can you vaguely remember being thirteen, I can, it's a lot, periods, boys, bullying, trying to fit in, your body changing, coping with secondary school, feeling your emotions strongly, feeling moody and upset for little reason. Factor in your mother is marrying her latest boyfriend who has moved in with you, is telling you what to do in your own home. Who argues with your mum, mainly about you. Your mother has been soft on you in the past and is now more strict thanks to the influence of this man who is trying to be a parent figure.

How would you feel, what's in it for her? Why should she be happy?

She's even telling extreme lies as she's unhappy or she's telling the truth from her perspective. She's telling you she's not happy and you're telling her tough, you aren't moving in with your dad. She wants to choose him despite having a tricky relationship with him at times.

Where's her soft place to fall that's familiar the same, no changes, she hasn't got it. Mister "tidy your room, put the plates in the sink, at your age I was, you're getting your own way too much" has moved in and marrying your mum and tough luck.

I think you're priorities are wrong, what's the rush to get married, she's thirteen! She's desperately unhappy. Do better.

Your dd is trying to tell you something. Why are you not listening???

Why is your boyfriend involved in her discipline?

Why do you trump dad?

I have already reported this; the advanced search throws up some mega inconsistencies so I wouldn't give this any headspace.

You say you’re heartbroken, are you heartbroken enough to call it off with your live in boyfriend? Guessing not.

You’re partner should not be asking her to do chores , you should be as her parent, he is obviously triggering a strong emotional reaction and she does not need a 2nd “father” to boss her around, she already has a mother and father to do this.

Personally I’d be ending my relationship, as my children will always come first.

Would it be possible she could resent you if you try to stop her now-obviously I don't know your kid, but you do, so what do you think? People say the years from 13-18 fly by, and then, if she's like lots of people, she will be living away from you-that's normal and ok; we want our children to travel, work and live in different countries etc. In any case, don't they take children's opinions into account by the time they're this old? Seek legal advice, but at this age, it might be up to her?

Sorry OP I would never let my partner parent my child. Mines been around for more years than yours too! Push is coming to shove, you pick your daughter in this scenario and not him.
i don’t think she will ever forgive you if you allow this to carry on. Poor girl.

Did you stay with the man your daughter hated? Had she said she was frightened of him like OP’s daughter has?

why is he disciplining her in this way?
he isn’t her father

If a bloke was telling me what to do in my family home I would also fuck off and leave you both to it.

Poor girl.

You’re prioritising your new relationship over your daughter, that’s the bottom line. Yabu.

Also a 13 year‑old shouldn’t feel scared in her own home, and she shouldn’t be placed in the middle of arguments between adults.

If her mother’s partner is raising his voice, creating tension, or suddenly taking on an authority role she isn’t used to, that can feel intimidating and confusing for her.

At her age she is already dealing with emotional and physical changes, so any instability at home can feel much heavier.

You’ve also acknowledged that arguments do happen between you and your partner, and that he has begun telling her to do chores when that wasn’t the dynamic before.

From her perspective, that shift alone can feel like a loss of safety or control. Her feelings aren’t something to dismiss.

They’re a signal that something in the environment needs attention and support and as you’ve failed to listen to her, she has went to her dads who can provide an environment that supports her mental wellbeing.

I understand it’s upsetting but at 13 there isn’t anything you can do as the court will take her feelings into account. It does sound like she has a problem with your partner in general, rather than a problem with her parent having a partner, seen as she has no issue with dad’s partner. It can be difficult being a step parent, but I do think he probably is over stepping being strict, given they have a difficult relationship. As the consequences are now she has left and this may impact your relationship. You should focus on seeing her on weekends, but not with your partner present.

Why is he in any way disciplining her or telling her what to do? You have mishandled this OP. Try and see it through her eyes for a change.

You are not listening.

She hasn't had problems with any of my previous relationships

Then ask yourself why she has a problem with this man and not the others. She is saying that she is scared to live at home, and you are brushing it off as her misbehaving or not liking you getting married. The one thing you are not questioning is this man.

Why shouldn't she live with her dad? He's her parent too.

If you dismiss this as a 'phase' and argue in front of her i don't blame her for wanting out.