AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

If she is fine with her dad and his partner and has been fine with your previous partners... Id look closely at your current partner.

Your objection should be aimed at your boyfriend telling your daughter what to do in her own home.

Why are so many women prepared to lose their children for a boyfriend?

This girl has been telling you she’s uncomfortable with your partner, you still moved him in, got engaged and plan to marry him. It doesn’t sound like you’re taking anything she’s telling you on board.

Your BF must be absolutely fucking ecstatic - he has weaponised your DD so that you are so gaslit - and now she is leaving. All planned by him.

That must be hard for you to hear.

I think I’d say prioritise your child and find out exactly why she’s unhappy. If it’s because she thinks he’s too strict, that’s probably a good place to start. Ask why he’s disciplining her rather than you. You’re the mum so it should really be you in this relatively (in the scheme of things) new relationship.

If over time he can ask her to do things, he should be mirroring how you’d deal with it.

This is really sad and I don’t think it’s good for children to move from pillar to post and neither do I think it’s great to give them “power” over your life. On the other hand, I think you need to show her she’s a priority because things clearly aren’t great and you need to be honest with yourself about that. If you want to mend your relationship you’ll need to do something pretty radical and I urge you to do it.

Let her go.

Why shouldn't she live with her dad for a while if he is able to keep her and she wants to go? You've had her for the vast majority of the time for TEN YEARS; he should have been doing more all along and he should have the chance to do more now. But most importantly, she's old enough to decide for herself. I'd just walk her through want to expect and make sure she's thinking through the decision, then reassure her that she's welcome at your place either to spend a little time like she used to do with her dad or to come back more permanently if she ever wants or needs to.

The fact that she used to prefer your place to her dad's isn't relevant anymore - for now, she prefers his. She has outright SAID that she's afraid at home; why would you insist she stay somewhere she feels unsafe or uncomfortable when she has another perfectly good home to go to with her other parent???

You’ve had various different men around your daughter? In your daughters home. Before she was 10 years old?

Ugh.

I despair.

How many different relationships has she been exposed to, ffs?!

Either choose your dd or this man. She’s old enough she gets to make this choice and not come back!

She is desperately, desperately communicating how unhappy she is at the thought of living with this man and him being her stepdad. Why not put the marriage off for now? She might feel differently in a couple of years.

This happed to me many years ago when dd was similar age, she lasted 6 months before she wanted to come back, let her go. And then and now we have the best relationship.

Why is your current bf going into your dd's bedroom to supervise the "cleaning"? - a 13 year old should be able to expect absolute privacy in their bedroom without an unrelated man entering to berate her. I find this a huge boundary overstep on the part of your bf and more than a little creepy.

Listen to your child. You could not possibly be there all of the time to have full insight. She does not like him. This is not about chores. Plenty of teenagers don’t like chores. This is about how your partner makes her feel.

This is out of character for her as she has been incredibly accepting of all of these changes in her life from both of her parents. The problem is him not a bloody wedding.

You are making an enormous mistake.

Honestly I’d let her move in with her father. Work on building the relationship with her again.
if there’s a court order - you need to see it asap and adhere to it.

This.

Tell your bf to back off and leave the parenting to you. Apologise to your dd tell her she is your priority and see if you can persuade her to stay. Don't marry this man who tells off a 13yr old. He is so out of line. Yes if he'd been in her life she was a toddler but this is inappropriate.

You need to listen to her and ask him to move out, your child should come first. You can still have your relationship, outside of the house.

Me and my partner have been together 7 years, we thought about moving in jointly but decided against it as it wouldn't be fair to my son and daughter (14,11).

Stop making excuses for your crappy choices.

Are you sure it's entitlement and not distress she acting out over?

Has your change of perspective over how you've raised her been influenced by your fiancé?

Sounds like her staying with her dad is a good idea if she's unhappy in your home and you're out of patience.

I also think you fiancé needs to move out until she is rather older.

yes, it may lead to the end of the relationship and if it is just a phase she will have plenty of time to think about it. But you will absolutely lose her if she moves out.

In UK can’t just get a court order, you have to show you’ve been through mediation first and only then can go to court.
unless something very very serious has happened.
have you done a Claire’s law check on your new partner ?
lots of red flags here about her behaviour. How was she with him before you announced the engagement?

So you think letting your boyfriend tell her off and discipline her is an acceptable solution to your failure to parent her for years?

Or maybe you don't which is what all your arguments are about? Either way, he is bad news if he thinks your parenting is so dire he has to take over disciplining her.

She will 100% be better off at her dads, just let it happen.

You need to prioritise your child.

"perhaps too much"
"instead of giving consequences"
"entitled"

all sound like vocabulary someone would use about someone else's child. She's 13. It's not old. It's still a kid.

This