To stay in my marriage for money

[nothingcancompare]

I’m aware that that’s an inflammatory thread title bur u guess that is what it boils down to. So to give a bit more detail.

DH and I have two children ; DD is 5 and in reception and our ds is nearly three. I work two and a half days a week, and it’s in a school so off for school holidays.

Before we had children I thought we’d roughly be equal parents. This has not been thr case at all. DH definitely sees anything he does do with the children as a sort of optional extra rather than what has to be done, and everything is left to me. I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

As a result the children just gravitate more and more to me. Even if he does do something he just creates more work for me, so if I go out for a couple of hours the house is trashed when I get back, he doesn’t cook for them

Obviously I’ve tried to address it with him, he just goes on the defensive and hones in on a particular occasion (yeah well they started fighting so …) or just whines generally which I hate and is difficult to answer. So now five and a half years down the line I do have to accept this is how things are.

I don’t get a break at all. I get up when the children do, tend to then through the day and night in one case and am responsible for their diet, activities and getting them to said activities and everything. Seven days a week, it’s relentless and I’m already dreading the long school holidays.

So here is where the title is relevant. Truthfully I’ve lost a lot of respect for DH and I’ve come to realise that while he’s basically a kind man he’s also selfish and lazy.

Ending the marriage is one possibility but I’m not sure when I think about it that it would help anything. Yes, I wouldn’t have resentment but the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.

I know it’s awful and I don’t consider myself a mercenary person but I have to also think about what’s realistic in terms of my mental health and family stability

Read my post - I didn’t

You can end a marriage at any time if you decide you have had enough. However, given that you say you would be ok if the workload were more balanced, I think you owe it to yourself to be honest with him about how you feel. He is cruising along having an easy ride of it atm but he might step up if he realises you could leave him if he doesn't. Perhaps going to marriage counselling could help but, if he refuses, it will show you how he feels about you and might help you to decide how to proceed.

Kind people don't treat the ones they love like this. Have you ever said 'no' to something he really wanted, if so how did he react? There's a risk he is performing niceness to get his own way, and that he wont be so nice if you set boundaries or tell him you want to split.

To follow your dog analogy to its literal conclusion: I’d tell DH that I’d never have agreed to dogs (plural) if he wasn’t going to help me look after them. Also that it wasn’t particularly fair on the animals, but if he insisted on not helping, we’d need a dog walker.

I don't think that's fair. She's not begrudgingly looking after her children, she just needs a break! Even when I'm at work I get a lunch break or a coffee break where my brain can just refocus and chill for 30 mins. Some parents don't get this 10 mins to just hear yourself think and it's hard. It's my twins 7th birthday today (well it would have been if they'd lived longer than a day when they were born) so I don't take havingchildren for granted, but even so, it IS still hard parenting at times and especially alone and especially when you don't get a break.

Why don't you just tell him honestly what you have told MN- and see if he steps up. Men often genuinely think they are carrying half the load, because they have no idea what the real load is- you should tell him in no uncertain terms, rather than letting it fester, which has led to a lack of respect- which is partly your fault.
Then there are no big decisions- if he steps up ride it out, if he bitches and moans and remains in denial, bail.

Don't do anything for him from now on. Nothing at all. Go out to your social activities when you want Just tell him when he is at home and you're going out the door he is in charge of everything and the children. Let him get on with it all: Sink or swim time. Just make it very clear that this will happen very soon either with a day or an hour's notice. Plus you will not tolerate a huge mess on your return or else he will have to pay for a cleaner. Do not give him any options.

I'd hate to be in your position, it's like choosing between a rock and a hard place. With either option, you're not really happy.

If you stay the best thing you could do is plan for your escape when it's possible. Save like your life depends on it. Every spare penny into a secret savings account. Then if you decide at some point to leave, you have some funds to help.

Have you tried speaking with your husband, just cards on the table, and telling him how you've lost respect for him due to him being so absent with the kids? Tell him you're seriously considering leaving. Maybe shock him into action.

And people wonder why at 37 I'm single and childfree 🙈. Any female friend/family I know who went down the marriage & kids route, the man ends up like an additional child she has to look after.

I have worked full-time since my children were 5/6 months old. I would have loved to work very part-time, term time only but unfortunately bringing up children requires money.
I would be, quite frankly, fucking raging if someone decided to tell me that 'nobody on their deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at the office'. Of course at the moment of death I won't be thinking 'oh no, I need to sort out that 15K order for Belgium' but right now it is the reason my kids have a roof over their heads, food to eat and decent clothing etc.
To be quite honest if my husband had ever earned enough that I needed to work so little I would have snapped his hands off for OPs arrangement, she is already well aware that when both kids are in school she will have two days of 'me time' automatically. Most working mothers don't get that until their children are adults.
Its okay though. At least I can look forward to being full of regret on my deathbed along with OPs husband!

I don’t think that’s what that poster was saying. Her DH, like the OP’s, didn’t cultivate a relationship with his children at all and had regret over it when his adult children continued to have little to do with him. I’m sure you, like most parents who work full time (or any amount of time), still act like a parent! Children can have parents that work extremely long hours and still have a good relationship of course, but a parent they see there in the house who doesn’t interact or do anything with them ever? It’s not the time he’s spent working that’s the problem.

Your anger/resentment comes across strongly in your posts, OP.

As a single parent (since my only child was 2), I am posting only to say that I found my life surprisingly more enjoyable doing everything totally on my own as opposed to 98% on my own with a lazy person hovering in the background.

Do whatever you think is best, you know your situation better than we do. I just wonder if you realise how much the resentment is affecting you and potentially the relationship with your children.

I found myself in this situation a few years ago- kids were the same age roughly. Ex was loaded etc. I said to him over and over again ‘if you don’t step up, I’m leaving’ - he didn’t and I left. Kids were 3 and 6 ish. I now get one day a week and one weekend per month to myself. Waaaay more than I did when i was married! I’m happier , kids are happier- yes I’ve got less money but I’ve never looked back. Do it. For you and the kids x

I was in a very similar position. My exH referred to himself as ‘babysitting TheDevilWear’s children’. He said it was cultural … but he definitely saw our DDs as my responsibility and anything he did for them as helping out because I couldn’t cope. When we separated, he refused to coparent. Refused to agree to a parenting plan. Only saw them if and when he wanted to. Cancelled plans he had made at short - often no notice. If he’s a lazy ass father when you’re together he won’t change when you leave him.

You said paid outside help is only nanny or housekeeper. How about childminders?
Some are really amazing and fees are same as nursery but nicer enviroment.
Or babysitter for few hours a week. There are options and 100% better than the absent minded father

Plz make sure he is subbing your pension!

But you probably knew you had to work before getting pregnant?

Of course, just like OP knew her husband would probably have to work when they had their children.

I hear ya ! I think so many of us have felt we’ve been in a similar situation with your kids when they were young, Probs better to stick it out for while for all concerned as another MN mentioned. I’ve seen
too many kids messed up by their parents splitting when they were really young and the faff & stress of having to go between parents houses is a headache most kids don’t enjoy, Things will get easier as they get older, need less looking after etc and you can see if things improve and dad can maybe relate to them better and do more activities with them. Gradually it should get better & eventually one day theyll be adults and you’ll wonder where the time went! I always appreciated that mum stayed with my dad until I was an adult and left home, I think your kids would too.

I think if you have feelings for him (and visa versa) then wait until both children are in school and you have time for yourself. You are probably worn to a frazzle you poor thing, and are not emotionally able to deal with him (You have 3 children not two!!) However, if you still feel resentment towards him, after having time to 'breathe' then maybe you need to set some boundaries. Tell him once a week, he is responsible for getting dinner, and if that's take away, then fine - but he dishes it up and cleans up afterwards. Tell him you are his wife and partner, and not a housekeeper. Ask him, what would happen if you died suddenly - would he know how to care for his own children? And if the answer is no, then tell him, that is why he needs to act like a responsible grown up and do his share.

It's really important to bear this in mind, realistically. Who is better off, if you are a single parent, having to support yourself financially, find childcare and cope alone when not at work, especially if he can't be trusted to be a reliable parent when it's his turn to care for them? At least he brings in some income and their home life is relatively stable. Far from ideal but splitting up is not necessarily the better option when DC are young.

I’m sorry OP but you are probably best to stay for now. Your update regarding your age explains why you are on your knees, I really feel for you with the relentlessness and total sleep disregulation you describe.
I would stay, at least for now, but get a contingency plan started. As finance seems the only place he is generous right now start there. So talk to your husband about finances and try to persuade him it’s a great idea to overpay on the mortgage, pay off any loans and credit cards etc. Instead of suggesting he steps up, describe your fear you may not be able to carry on, how you know he’s also too tired, so the only solution is for him to pay for more help. Try to make it a joint thing, we know it’s so hard right now, we are both always so tired aren’t we and we definitely deserve a night out together and a solo fitness time each every week don’t we.
On the other side of things can you get things like a robot vacuum, a slow cooker or anything to save you, or speed up jobs? Do you always cook double portions and put one in the freezer, put bedding sets in the pillowcase? Definitely start to do earlier bedtime so your children can be read to together and then eldest can have the last 20 minutes of quietly looking at books etc alone ‘because they are now so grown up’.
Every little thing will help right now. I really wish you well.

Could you get a cleaner? Maybe say to him if you’re not willing to help we need help, and you need to step up as a Dad. They’re his children too. It’s so sad so many of us Mims end up feeling this way. I often feel that everyone just sees me as a someone here for their benefit!!