To stay in my marriage for money

[nothingcancompare]

I’m aware that that’s an inflammatory thread title bur u guess that is what it boils down to. So to give a bit more detail.

DH and I have two children ; DD is 5 and in reception and our ds is nearly three. I work two and a half days a week, and it’s in a school so off for school holidays.

Before we had children I thought we’d roughly be equal parents. This has not been thr case at all. DH definitely sees anything he does do with the children as a sort of optional extra rather than what has to be done, and everything is left to me. I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

As a result the children just gravitate more and more to me. Even if he does do something he just creates more work for me, so if I go out for a couple of hours the house is trashed when I get back, he doesn’t cook for them

Obviously I’ve tried to address it with him, he just goes on the defensive and hones in on a particular occasion (yeah well they started fighting so …) or just whines generally which I hate and is difficult to answer. So now five and a half years down the line I do have to accept this is how things are.

I don’t get a break at all. I get up when the children do, tend to then through the day and night in one case and am responsible for their diet, activities and getting them to said activities and everything. Seven days a week, it’s relentless and I’m already dreading the long school holidays.

So here is where the title is relevant. Truthfully I’ve lost a lot of respect for DH and I’ve come to realise that while he’s basically a kind man he’s also selfish and lazy.

Ending the marriage is one possibility but I’m not sure when I think about it that it would help anything. Yes, I wouldn’t have resentment but the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.

I know it’s awful and I don’t consider myself a mercenary person but I have to also think about what’s realistic in terms of my mental health and family stability

It may not get better but unless you are in a rush to leave, I would stick around and see how it goes. Especially if you were happy with your DH before. The relationship dynamics change a lot as children get older. For a start they get more independent so that makes it easier for everyone. They also start to develop interests that they do with different parents. It does become less of a slog.

Completely agree, it is sadly common (although this DH would be at extreme end of it). If she worked FT she would still be doing 100% parenting at home, so to say choosing PT work made this all inevitable and she basically set up this expectation is unfair. In my experience it’s not inevitable that your DH will slack off in these circumstances, and in hers it’s just what her DH is going to do regardless.

I totally understand why you’re burnt out. I had a similar situation with my now ex husband. When I was pregnant with our second, I was working but still doing everything. I was tired and aching and he didn’t step up. I mentioned how much harder it was for me to do basic tasks because of the size and weight I was carrying around and he minimised it so I got a rucksack and filled it with heavy tins and asked him to wear it all day as he was working from home.

He complained it was annoying and he wanted to take it off early, I replied that I couldn’t take mine off! I purposely went for an evening walk alone and left him to do bedtime. He kept texting and asking when I was coming back and I didn’t reply. He was beyond stressed when I got home and we then had a conversation about the mental workload as well as the physical one that was put on me as a mother. He seemed to get it and things slightly improved to a point it became bearable.

we did end up separating a few years later anyway but it got me through the early years with my sanity vaguely in tact.

Now he sees the children regularly and I’ve had to accept they have McDonald’s and screen time at his. I’m still overcompensating, doing the majority, I’m financially far worse off but I have some space for me a couple of nights a week. It’s not perfect, but he is who he is and I accepted I couldn’t change him.

You thought you'd be doing "equal parenting" when you work 2.5 school days a week and your husband works full time with a long commute??
Not getting a break and being 'on' from when your children wake up is being a mum. It's hard, being a mum is hard, it's also incredibly rewarding - you don't seem to be acknowledging any of the things your children give you back- it's not all one way giving.
As you say, when your children are both at school you'll have lots of more time as it sounds you're secure in knowing your husband will be perfectly fine continuing to provide the majority of the family's financial support (another thing you currently show no appreciation of, despite acknowledging how much harder you would find things without it) and you'll be able to continue working part time.
On that note, it sounds possible he'd be fine supporting you all fully now so maybe leaving work until both children are at school is an option that may feel easier for you in the meantime? Or maybe you value the time out of the house at work? Worth discussing it with your husband if you think it might help

What would happen if you had the conversation and laid it out.

'You should know I'm thinking about leaving. I love you, care for you and I'm not interested in meeting anyone else. I don't really want the children to come from a broken home and I respect my marriage vows, but... I am still considering it. The last couple of years have done a lot of damage to my feelings for you and the respect I have for you. I never expected 50/50 parenting but I did expect you to step up and parent - not 'babysit' occasionally.

I am exhausted, jaded and resentful. I am shocked at how little you engage and sad that you think so little of me that you can watch me run myself into the ground and not step in. I can't continue like this - either physically or emotionally, and I can only see two possibly solutions: I leave you or there is significant change. I've tried to talk to you before about stepping up and got nowhere which is how I've landed at leaving. Like I said, it's a last resort for me but make no mistake, it's a real option. What do you want to do?'

Was where you were c10-15 years ago.

Firstly, given your age, check out perimenopause and look at if a blood test may be worth while for thyroid/anaemia etc

Then, you have to let your standards drop in order to "train" your husband. (Yes, yes, I know you should not have to, but shit happens..plus you may also have been unwittingly creating some of it yourself). My DH used to give up trying (he would slip into l teenager-mode) as "I never do it right, so I won't bother". And I used to passive aggressively re-do stuff or "just do it myself as you take forever/won't do it right." Honestly, he was lazy, but I was also a pita martyr and my expectations of myself were dumb...and in truth unfair to expect someone who didn't do this shit daily to get instantly.

Your DH doesn't cope because he doesn't think (and you don't think ) the can cope. You are both kind of right at the moment. He cannot look after the DC amd not trash the house. Well the first time most people did it, it would probably be the same. So both of you should expect a trashed house. And as a team sort it afterwards. First time he does the hobby run, he will be late/forget stuff...that is fine...no one will die. It may not be perfect for your DC..but will help them learn stuff happens/isn't always perfect. Build their resilience. Build you resilience too TBH.

Also, get some therapy. For yourself. Explore how you boundaries lie. Have you become so fixated on creating perfection for you kids that "good enough" is not good enough? Where is your good enough? Sometimes it has to be "everyone is fed (even if it is Cheerios), everyone is alive". Are you at risk of ignoring your own wishes amd desires at the alter of maternal martyrdom?

If you let it be, it won't change. I know you are so determined he won't change. But doing nothing will guarantee this.

This! I'm going to play devil's advocate here. I think you're in a really good position. You work two days a week during term time, school hours and you only have 2 children, not 10. How on earth do you think that's not having time to relax? If you're not "sitting around with your feet up", then what are you doing? Parenting a 2 and 5 year old isn't that difficult.

Okay, so your husband isn't the most hands on dad ever to have lived but so what? There are millions, even billions of fathers who aren't hands on but see above paragraph. He works full time and long hours, and presumably pays the vast majority of the bills.

In return, you're debating on leaving him? I don't think that's fair on him. Sounds like you enjoy his money but you don't want to parent the children you have together when you only work a fraction of his working time. How is that right? Do you really only want to stay for money? What about for love? That's what marriage is. It's not right that you might 'use' him financially, if you think he's a terrible father and might leave him.

Isn't it fair that as the parent who is around the most and works so part time does the lion's share of the caring? In my opinion, that is fair and it's not rocket science. Your children are still very young so they're in bed at an early hour in the evening. Wind down time for you and your husband to chat and spend time together or do separate hobbies.

A previous poster suggested couples counselling and I think that's good advice. If you love your husband (I know you resent him but that doesn't mean you don't love him), please stay. It's wrong to wonder whether to stay just for financial reasons. He might realise and admit he's not the best dad in the world but he's not cruel or unkind, he contributes financially and you work very part time....no one's perfect.

God this is depressing. I mean good for you it worked out but do you really think your husband didn’t know the dishwasher needed to be turned on? Its pathetic he needed to be hand held through being an adult to such an extent. It would kill any attraction I had for him.

It is important for your children to see loving and connected parents if you want them to form healthy relationships as they grow.
As you work part time, it seems obvious that you do most of the childcare. But he should be more hands on and certainly should be when he has his holiday time from work. Your children also need a father who is involved, this is more important in my view. Talk to him.

I think this is a common situation for women, especially when they are not working and financially dependent on their partner. No shame in doing what you need to do to survive.

But I think you also need to be prepared for the possibility this could get worse. If the kids don’t respect them then as they get older that will cause tension. Also, while the kids will be in school they may take up hobbies or friendship meet-ups that it seems you will be left to coordinate. They will have childhood woes that you will be expected to take the emotional burden of. If your husband doesn’t fix up then it won’t get better.

I would also think of a potential exit plan. If working is a possibility when the youngest is at school then definitely do that so that you have some savings in case you did want to leave.

I haven’t read the full thread so this may have been suggested already but you can claim Universal Credit as you are on a very low income and I’m sure you would get help with rent and childcare.I was in a similar situation many years ago although my children were slightly older and my ex actually did most of the housework and I mainly looked after children but like you I didn’t respect him anymore and we had started to drift apart.It was so hard on my own at first and I really struggled for a few years with kids but it was definitely for the best

Given that you do get on with each other, and you are thinking you will stay, at least for a while, Would it be worth trying some kind of councelling or parenting support to see if there is a good way forward together.

It seems that the immediate problem is you getting no time when you're not working, looking after children, or doing housework. Your dh won't help, so all you can do is decrease the load for yourself, and get some paid help.

To decrease the load, you can do things like not having too many toys and clothes as there's less to tidy up and take care of. Get the los involved in putting their things away. Don't take on anything extra at work in this stage of life.

Really, I think you need paid help until both children are at school. Tell oh you need to do exercise so are paying for a regular babysitter at a certain time, etc. Some gyms have a crèche, which might work well. A fortnightly cleaner who does the deep clean tasks would be a good help.

I'd also just plan weekends and holidays as if oh wasn't there. See your friends and take los places you want to go. He really is missing out. I hope he improves as the los get older.

THe loss of respect means sooner or later the marriage will end. I think loads of people stay in a marriage, sometimes forever, for the money, but they are less honest about it than you. And I don't think it's unreasonable at all. I think get a plan for the next several years, may be enjoy the few days a week rest when the kids are both in school and wait and see if he needs you to go full time then anyway. But keep in mind that sooner or later, it'll be over - just take your time to get to that point.

The worst thing you can possibly do is stay in such a relationship. The older your children get the more they will notice that Dad is lazy and mum does everything for them. This will teach them that is how relationships are supposed to work and they will end up with the same kind of relationship. Is that what you want for them?
You have a year to save save save and then get the hell out of such a poor marriage. You are just the nanny and housekeeper.

If you keep doing the same thing, you’re only going to get the same results

the answer actually IS short term discomfort for all until he is educated on how things need to be going forward.

so, book an exercise class, arrange a sitter if he won’t get back in time.

go out, frequently and (and I can’t stress this enough) LET THERE BE CHAOS, let the house get trashed, LET HIM SORT IT OUT, insist on it.

H, stick the plates in the dishwasher now please, or take the kids up to bed, one or the other.?

“and this is my problem how?” Because they are your kids too, you were in charge and the that means taking responsibility and seeing the job through.

“but they don’t listen to me” well you need to do more with them and fix that. Kids, do as you father is telling you.

and walk off to the kitchen.

I fully appreciate your position, but there is so much you can do to help yourself

“H, my life is drudge, either we work as a team or I’ll walk into the sea, I’m not the single parent in this house, I’m part of a team and you have to do your share.”

Literally the other day one of my gf mentioned how her H has now taken over ever single aspect of the weekend planning because she was doing it all and basically said “enough!” There was a row.

she said she told him “they’re your kids too and you need to do more”

he has stepped up.

HAVE THE ROW!

if you tell him he’s on duty, that this means the kids DO get to bed, (bring the bedtime earlier and tell him the timelines), the kitchen will be cleaned, the house will not be trashed because HE will be responsible for making sure it’s not.

tell him it’s a hard line.

Yesterday morning for instance I was in the shower and one of the children started screaming. I had to tell him to get out of bed to deal with it and I had to repeat myself several times.

this is your “in”, you sit him down and tell him that this will never happen again. He knew you were in the shower, therefore HE is on duty and needs to step up. To hear a kid screaming and not get up to see what’s what is NEGLECT and potentially social services worthy. Let that sink in @nothingcancompare

youre not being firm enough because you don’t want the children to be in anyway inconvenienced, thats how he’s getting let off the hook. Stop that now. Short term discomfort and consequences now, for long term gain.

Just talk to him!!! Suggest counselling or something. Have you even asked him or told him how you feel?? Everyone here is trying to give you advice and you’re batting it all away.

I’m astonished at the amount of people advocating for you to demonstrate to your children a father who appears to do nothing ; puts your needs completely on the back burner , and sacrificing your happiness!! You back track slightly having said you don’t respect him to saying “ on some level I still care about him” but you have a long life still to live !! Perhaps on leaving you might find a loving, caring, supportive partner who would be a great role model for your children? At the VERY minimum I would put down in writing to your husband what you need, that you are considering leaving, and why. Majority of divorces come as a complete shock to men as they simply haven’t understood the level of unhappiness. He won’t change whilst you are enabling him. Maybe book a weekend away ( at least one night) and shock him. I think you are playing too much into the victim mentality here and making it very easy for him by saying ( be it openly or just to yourself) I can never leave because supporting my family would be too tough. That’s a poor example for your children , and it will only get worse. Address it now, assertively and determinedly- either he pays for a babysitter once a week , looks after them on x night so you can go out or steps up in some other way or you go. Giving him the cop out if he can’t manage the children , knowing you feel financially dependent, is facilitating his poor behaviour.

If that’s being a mum why is being a Dad pretending from morning until night that the children in your house have nothing to do with you? Why does a job and a commute mean you don’t parent when you’re not doing either of those things? It certainly expected of a mum isn’t it?

OP is not resentful of her children, she’s resentful of DH with good reason. Imagine you had a job - you found it very rewarding yes, but it’s hard work and it’s made much better when you’re a team. Now imagine you have a co-worker sitting there doing nothing all the time when they are on site. However rewarding your job is, you are going to be resentful of that coworker and think perhaps your job would be even more rewarding and a bit less hard to do if that lazy co-worker did something! You might then accept it’s not going to change so you keep on doing it, taking the salary, rather than leaving the job and dealing with all of what would follow. That’s where OP is.

I was in pretty much the same situation (even down the the same job as you with sane hours).
My Ex wasn’t willing change, became the most selfish person I have ever encountered.
I really tried to stay for ‘the benefit of the children’ but ended up very depressed.
I left in the end, absolutely terrified about my future and financial stability…
but here I am now, very independent, financially comfortable and EXTREMELY HAPPY.
Life is very short, do not stay somewhere that only brings unhappiness.

@nothingcancompare have you considered what this relationship is modelling to your children? What your level of happiness (or unhappiness, because they will know) is showing them? I think that is far more damaging in the long run than being a single mum.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to stay as you plan to.
I think the times when DC are as little as yours are brutal, and most often for women. If you can have those 2 days to get some of you back, you may start to feel a bit better about it all.
Even next year, it will still be tough. I think the seismic change comes when DC head to high school and independence starts to kick in although you can then become a taxi driver.
I recall the resentment of bearing the load-mental and physical; the bombsite if I’d been out etc. I really feel marriage benefits mankind more than womankind, and yet we’re kinda trained to want it from young.
I think once the 24/7 responsibility eases, the relationship can improve and even up a bit, and the kids develop their own interaction with the lazy parent.
I have personally found counselling has really helped me and DH as he now understands how overwhelmed I get, and increasingly steps up. I only wish we’d gone years ago. But now our household (4adults) share chores, DH and I are closer and life is a lot less heavy.
Whatever you choose to do, I’m sure you’ll get through.
Best of luck.

I feel for you OP but also for your husband too. My own husband’s one overriding regret in life was that he wasn’t more involved in his children’s upbringing. Our daughter was living abroad with her partner when her father died, and our son visited him precisely twice in the hospice. Neither of them had a good relationship with their dad simply because he was never there for them.

Does your husband want his own epitaph to be something similar? What was the point of his having children if he expends most of his time and energy avoiding them? It might be well to remind him that nobody on their deathbed has ever said, ‘I wish I had spent more time at the office.’

Genuine question - If you couldn’t make your own dh and father of your kids care about his kids when little, how do you think you can tell the op what to tell her dh so he steps up?