To stay in my marriage for money

[nothingcancompare]

I’m aware that that’s an inflammatory thread title bur u guess that is what it boils down to. So to give a bit more detail.

DH and I have two children ; DD is 5 and in reception and our ds is nearly three. I work two and a half days a week, and it’s in a school so off for school holidays.

Before we had children I thought we’d roughly be equal parents. This has not been thr case at all. DH definitely sees anything he does do with the children as a sort of optional extra rather than what has to be done, and everything is left to me. I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

As a result the children just gravitate more and more to me. Even if he does do something he just creates more work for me, so if I go out for a couple of hours the house is trashed when I get back, he doesn’t cook for them

Obviously I’ve tried to address it with him, he just goes on the defensive and hones in on a particular occasion (yeah well they started fighting so …) or just whines generally which I hate and is difficult to answer. So now five and a half years down the line I do have to accept this is how things are.

I don’t get a break at all. I get up when the children do, tend to then through the day and night in one case and am responsible for their diet, activities and getting them to said activities and everything. Seven days a week, it’s relentless and I’m already dreading the long school holidays.

So here is where the title is relevant. Truthfully I’ve lost a lot of respect for DH and I’ve come to realise that while he’s basically a kind man he’s also selfish and lazy.

Ending the marriage is one possibility but I’m not sure when I think about it that it would help anything. Yes, I wouldn’t have resentment but the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.

I know it’s awful and I don’t consider myself a mercenary person but I have to also think about what’s realistic in terms of my mental health and family stability

So when he takes the DD to school, is he working from home, meaning you have a bit more time before work to sort the daughter's stuff?

a manageable life

What a phrase. So sorry @Ontheedge123

What is he doing on his days off from work? Have you asked him why you don't get any days off?

My husband won’t be trained. I am staying for the children and will make my exit when they are grown

And before you know it , you will be embroiled with ageing parents and be in your 60's. Then it's not worth the hassle.

But surely you can just stop some things? Stop doing his laundry for example.

Start going out one Saturday per month and if the house in untidy he has to help tidy it before work on Monday, that type of thing.

Go through a big list of chores/kids admin/ house admin and put initials by all the ones you do and he does - and ask him if it’s fair.

I know you shouldn’t have to. But at least it might ease the pressure.

I suspect the OP has long since left the building...

But on the off-chance you're still reading, OP, YANBU to "stay for the money", but YABU to martyr yourself like this. Your husband is treating you appallingly, with zero consequences for his behaviour. There ARE things you can do to address the situation, without divorcing him.

You return home from some rare "me time" and find the house is a pigsty? You tell him you're walking right back out, and you won't be coming back until he sorts the mess. Then do it.

You return home from an evening out to find the children running riot because he hasn't put them to bed? You go to bed yourself. Close the door. Leave him to deal with them. Then, the next morning, you leave the house early. Let him to manage his ratty, overtired kids.

You ask him to do a simple household task, like put the laundry away and he says "soon"? You wait half an hour, and ask him again. If he still refuses to do it, leave the basket of laundry somewhere that he can't ignore. His desk. His gaming chair. His workbench, etc. If he still doesn't do it - well, I guess someone's not getting his laundry done for him, for the foreseeable future, right?

You ask him to please let you have a sleep-in on a weekend morning? But he refuses - and the kids are screaming / crying / wanting their breakfast / etc? Okay, you get up and attend to the kids. But - when mid-morning rolls around, you tell him you need a coffee! After all, you're exhausted because you never got a proper sleep-in! So, you need to take yourself out of the house for a couple of hours, so you can recuperate with a coffee and the newspaper. And if you come back to find he's allowed the kids to turn the house into a pigsty - well, you'll be turning around and walking right back out, etc (see point 1).

It will be hard. It will be unpleasant. The kids might cry. Your husband might pull the "Mummy's being mean to Daddy" line, complete with a sad face.

But it's better than the alternative - which is meekly rolling over and allowing the disrespect to continue. And you stand a better chance of compelling your husband to actually make some changes.

what do you mean he doesn’t get up with the children? What time does he get up?

As a family we usually all get up together - one does breakfast, one gets uniform together etc. we both work. At weekends we take turns on lie ins but mostly get up together and have breakfast together.

This story is as old as this hills, which doesn't make it any more tolerable a burden for mothers. Lots of men just cannot conceive of what children need and it's not an intellectual failing, their brains/bodies just don't connect to small children and meeting their needs. As boys get older their fathers do quite often connect with physical and intellectual needs in a different way and sports and business and stuff that men enjoy get shared.

So would you want this for her? To be with a man purely for money?

That’s a very unfair comment. OP is exhausted .

I don't understand how women willingly put themselves in an unequal situation, then complain it's unequal. You chose to have children, you chose to work part time term time only, then wonder why you do the bulk of childcare. Surely that's the sole purpose of the arrangement? Plenty of warnings on here, to have your own financial independence and career, plenty of argument against that, but this is the reality if you don't

Hi

just want you to know that kids (and husbands) get easier. By the time little one is 6/7 it will be a different story, they will be more self sufficient.

hang on in there

@calltheyep there’s no such word as irregardless

Perhaps, just perhaps some women are lured in by the myth of " having it all"
It's not equal, the mother has carried the baby for 9 months. Its a different relationship from the off.

If you haven't even tried to talk with your DH, you can't say for sure you know what his reaction will be. It sounds like you've checked out of the marriage. Your choice but think about who it was you married and how you could play a part in trying to get things back on track. It depends how much you want your marriage to end.

It’s not actually. I work part-time so yes I do more in the sense that I’m full time parent on the days that my DH is working and I’m not, but outside of work we are 50/50 parents. I think that’s the crucial bit here, it’s what happens when no one has the excuse of work, and this sorry excuse of a father lives his life like he doesn’t have children.

Love it

absolutely brilliant!

Yes, this.
From a man here, this is what needs to happen!
You are drowning and you need to get through to him.
When my wife worked later than me I dropped off/picked them up from nursery, got them home, cooked their's and our tea for when wife came home about 6pm, bathed them and bedtime story between us, alternatively, all whilst working full time 8-4.
Men can help out!

YOU have let this slide and become what it is by not being firm, and yes HE should do better without being prompted!

@YourOliveBalonz

the issue that I see reflected here on MN as well as in real life is that women tend to do the lions share of the parenting regardless of how much they work outside the home.

i only know a handful of couples where the husband is really really keen to pull their weight. The rest appear to be ok with leaving it to their wives ….

@nothingcancompare i think id stay and get to that year . While im waiting for next year . I’m be telling him you want counselling as your marriage is at risk and explain , he doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t care to see you crumble. .
I wouldn’t be sleeping with him either.

He would have some sort of wake up call . Ask does he actually want this marriage .
I also wouldn’t be doing a single thing to make his life easier .
Id think you should have free access to the family income (if you don’t already ) as your occupying the children 24/7 .

Can you get the kids in bed and then go out after . Just to make a point or even to a friends for a chat and some down time ?

It will get easier as they grow up. And your dh - if he is a decent man underneath- might get on better with older kids.

This. Would have loved to have had the long school holidays off with mine when they were young.

Why have more than one child when you begrudge spending them with them, and your ‘DH’ is useless?

Sounds awful for the poor children. Please don’t have anymore.

I’m a bit confused about whether the OP and her dh ever do anything at all together? If not, I’m a bit concerned she might be in denial about how the future could actually play out? How does she know he’s not waiting until both children are in school full time to say he wants a divorce, because in his mind it will be easier at that point to expect his dw to go back to work full time to fund the separation costs and still do all the childcare outside of work time? Does she think he knows she would want a divorce were it not for the money? If not, then how is she so confident about what he is really thinking? It sounds like both of them are doing nothing more than tolerating the status quo for the time being in anticipation of things getting better when the children are older, but neither of them is actually expressing to the other what “better” means to them. Dh’s better looks to me like not having to have the wife and kids around at all, given that he apparently doesn’t even want to do anything with any of them at the weekend.

Could you try marriage counselling? We are currently seeing a counsellor and have similar issues in our relationship. I felt lonely in the relationship once the baby arrived, not supported emotionally or practically by partner. The counsellor has helped by suggesting things to try and validating how we feel and giving us opportunity to speak about difficult things. You need to protect your peace and do what you need to for you. You've done nothing wrong having two children, they have eachother and I wish I had a sibling for my DC but couldn't cope with having another with an unsupportive partner.

My mum stayed in an unhappy marriage with my dad who wanted no part of parenting because she thought she couldn’t afford to leave. They argued all the time and I have unhappy memories of large parts of my childhood - even in my 50s, certain rows or events are stuck in my mind.

The anger and resentment just built and built for her to the point he could do no right, even when he wasn’t actually doing anything wrong. She stayed with him until she died, and was unhappy for a lot of that time. Once the kids were grown up, they basically lived separate lives under the same roof.

Is that what you want for yours and your children’s future?