To stay in my marriage for money

[nothingcancompare]

I’m aware that that’s an inflammatory thread title bur u guess that is what it boils down to. So to give a bit more detail.

DH and I have two children ; DD is 5 and in reception and our ds is nearly three. I work two and a half days a week, and it’s in a school so off for school holidays.

Before we had children I thought we’d roughly be equal parents. This has not been thr case at all. DH definitely sees anything he does do with the children as a sort of optional extra rather than what has to be done, and everything is left to me. I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

As a result the children just gravitate more and more to me. Even if he does do something he just creates more work for me, so if I go out for a couple of hours the house is trashed when I get back, he doesn’t cook for them

Obviously I’ve tried to address it with him, he just goes on the defensive and hones in on a particular occasion (yeah well they started fighting so …) or just whines generally which I hate and is difficult to answer. So now five and a half years down the line I do have to accept this is how things are.

I don’t get a break at all. I get up when the children do, tend to then through the day and night in one case and am responsible for their diet, activities and getting them to said activities and everything. Seven days a week, it’s relentless and I’m already dreading the long school holidays.

So here is where the title is relevant. Truthfully I’ve lost a lot of respect for DH and I’ve come to realise that while he’s basically a kind man he’s also selfish and lazy.

Ending the marriage is one possibility but I’m not sure when I think about it that it would help anything. Yes, I wouldn’t have resentment but the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.

I know it’s awful and I don’t consider myself a mercenary person but I have to also think about what’s realistic in terms of my mental health and family stability

I think it sounds sensible enough. I’m sorry he is so useless.

but in the meantime what would happen if you just said, I’m going out with my friends on Sunday morning, or a gym class every Wednesday evening so you’ll have to do bedtimes then?

Like I say I’d come back to absolute chaos that would take hours to sort.

I wouldn’t be able to do the gym class. I did try once to commit to a regular exercise programme and couldn’t as he just wouldn’t come back from work early enough. Even if I did I’d come back to chaos, no one in bed, running around, house trashed.

They don’t listen to him because he just isn’t around much and when he is he leaves any discipline to me.

I really think these kinds of comments are so bloody useless and unhelpful.

I don't think it would be the right decision, no. I'm speaking as someone who was widowed with a very young child so a lone parent very much not through choice.

You focus on getting breaks but things will get easier as the kids grow. They get more independent, can help around the house. What feels impossible now will feel more doable when they are 7 and 4, 10 and 7 and so on. They start to attend their own clubs and hobbies and the downtime gradually grows (until you start to feel you have too much of it).

You'll have a tough 3-5 years but as they get older you will be so much happier to be doing it without him. But don't wait to leave as it will be harder on them as they grow.

Compressed hours have helped me - 4.5 days over 4 so I get a day off. Plus you will get child support (either that or he will have to step up with the childcare).

But also - we only get one life. Is that really how you want to spend yours, trapped in a miserable marriage with a useless man? Far better to be the captain of your own shop, even with the hardships.

This isnt true. My kids took a long time to get over it and I am substantially poorer which sometimes impacts them/limits what we can do.

There are multiple things to consider here and it's not like there is abuse or arguments.

OP, it sounds like ultimately your marriage won't last, I'd be making long term plans to leave, make sure you're in a decent position financially.

I woukd imagine though that your H would pull his socks up though if he knew you were considering this? But maybe, emotionally, it's over for you anyway.

You’re lucky to have the luxury of being able to work part time so maybe that’s why your DH leaves childcare and everything else to you. If you’re not happy though say it seriously to him. And see what he does about it.

I used to work in a solicitor’s office as a PA/sec in an affluent area and the amount of times we had wives dropping in for a “chat” as they were unhappy in their marriages with children. We sometimes saw them again if they took things further or they sorted things out between them. Unless the wife gets the house (and sells later when DC are grown up) and the husband rents, then both have to sell and have separate properties and in SW London where we were this was expensive. So this is common.

When my kids were tiny, my OH sounded like yours and I sounded like you. I planned our separation so many times. I don't know what stopped me, except like you said I couldn't face the thought of adding 'divorce' to my bursting to do list.

Now my kids are teens. I am happy and really glad I didn't break our marriage up - instead I worked really hard at training him and getting to a place where I felt we had a good marriage. I started by laying down my rules and expectations and holding him to it. For example it would be easier to say - I'll get the kids ready, you just have to drive them to school, but instead I made a list of everything that had to be done in a morning (inc after breakfast, put dishes in dishwasher and TURN IT ON!) stuck it on the fridge, explained it to everyone, and left him and them to it. The first few times he got it wrong. and something was forgotten, but I didn't step in, he needed to learn and the kids would correct him too! As the kids started to get older I've trained them to too so they will be future responsible adults.

I then made space for myself. I would say - I've signed up for an art class on Saturday mornings/Sports club on Tuesday nights etc, so you can have the kids. Initially it meant telling him - 9am Hockey drop off, 12noon give them a snack/sandwich, 1pm class party at x location etc - but eventually he stepped up and got it.

It seems like a lot of work but it pays off. And now I appreciate our partnership and that we stuck around for each other and our teenagers are pretty self sufficient so we get to spend time with each other and remember why we got married.

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain you really think that because I have two days a week ‘off’ (when I care for a two year old) it means I never get any time at all to myself, none? You honestly think that’s OK? Because I don’t to be honest. If I had two days completely free then possibly, but that’s not the case.

Meh, plenty of people stay in their marriage for financial reasons/for a more comfortable life. Do whatever makes you happy/whatever's best for you.

I remember when our kids were little and i was at home (freelancing yes but the main carer) amd my hisband working veeeery long hours, we had roughly the same arguments.
every time i asked him to do bath at the week end he would do it, but later argue that i m ditching the kids to him, that he is mentally exhausted after work a long week of work pressure (and in fairness his job means he cant really switch off at the week end), wnd we would end in a toxic circle of who is more exhausted. We have 17 months gap between the 2.

but fast forward to today with teens and me running my studio, things are a lot more balanced. Things started changing when the demands of little kids slowed down.

the crux is that little kids are EXHAUSTING. I understand where you re coming from and i dont judge you, but try do try to keep the communications open. it s important to talk yes but to LISTEN as well what he says, and what you say.
maybe start by saying to the children “daddy is with you today, it s the same as ehen mummy is with you because people are different” on repeat. They will understand. And also learn to let go of your standards.
when you re at home all the time with the kids, you have your own but you cant control the way things when you re not there.

for me the most important in forcing my hisband to look after the kids on his own was to make sure they had a relationship. One that he wanted, and one that they needed to grow up balanced. So yes we argued, but i am so glad that he became the wonderful dad that he is and have an amazing relationship because i sucked it up: the mess, the later bedimes, the sometimes no bath, the soelling not done, etc. But they laughed, they ruffled and tumbled (which i dont do), they joked, they speaks in riddle (my hisband loves riddles i m
not good at it), etc.

and thats a wonderful thing too

I get it. I was in that situation. He wasn't evil but he was selfish and definitely did weaponise incompetence to avoid all parenting and domestic chores.
Similarly, it was the 2nd child that triggered the behaviour as he was fine with the first.
I decided that I couldn't put my children into poverty in order to get out of an unhappy relationship. I also wasn't sure if I could trust him fully with the kids while they were young as he could be a bully at times when he didn't get his way.
I did work part time but still worked on my career slowly increasing my hours.
I then divorced him as the kids hit secondary age and I now out earn him so fully able to provide for the kids on my own.
It wasn't easy though. We have mutual friends who don't understand even now because I covered it all up so well for so long. Its tricky as its involved a lot deception. I have sometimes doubted if I made the right decision.
But, I have a great relationship with my kids. They are happy, healthy as am I. For that I have no regrets.

You are completely reasonable in the short term. What an arsehole your H has turned out to be.

If I were you, I would make sure that I made a plan to get out as soon as practicable. Including not making any commitments that would make it harder to leave, building a career and earnings potential, ensuring pensions were equal, putting joint money into savings in the children's names, making sure there was no joint debt. etc. Controversial but I would also start to hide some money as an escape fund.

Remember you are not the only person who could end the marriage, and your H sounds like he could dump all three of you without a second thought.

There is no way he would do that (dump us, I mean.) His bread is definitely buttered.

A lot of replies say ‘I totally understand’ and then the reply make it clear they don’t understand, not really. If you ever said ‘please can you do the bath and bed time as I’m exhausted’ then you don’t really understand … I could never say this to DH because it would be a sort of ‘ok and that’s my problem how’ response.

Most people I know are in marriages like this. You don’t realise how anyone will handle a situation until you are in it. Don’t beat yourself up for your choices. How were you to know he would do this?

I completely understand. It’s an dilemma a lot of women face. Would you actually trust him to look after the children safely 50% of the time? Or do you stay and have sex with someone you don’t like anymore for the sake of the children’s stability?

nobody can answer that only you. I’m sorry he has let you down. You are not alone, it’s so hard and I hope you find your answer x

This was essentially the situation I was in and I stayed and tried to make the best of it. I’m now in a position to leave and it’s hard to say if I wish I’d left sooner; I think on balance I’m glad I didn’t as I know I did everything I could to repair it and I got to work part time to have more time with my children.

Personally I found it soul destroying being married to someone I know longer loved because the resentment was so great. All the things you’ve said were true of my marriage too, except I also worked full time. When I wasn’t at work, it was all automatically on me, even if both of us were there. Didn’t make any difference what I said or did.

I am divorced and much happier. Of course he’s continued to prioritise himself and his job so he has more money than me but the relief of being away from the crushing resentment is immense.

In your case, the minute your youngest is in school your H will probably pressure you to go back to full time work. Can’t have the resource (ie you) not functioning to its full potential!

Like most complex decisions, there are benefits and pitfalls to both staying and leaving. It seems like if you were to decide to stay for the finances, that decision could benefit you because you could picture yourself as like a "single parent" with the benefit of a second income, and that might make the resentment to your H decline a bit, plus the benefit that when they're both in school you will start to get a bit of time back to yourself.

However, it could negatively impact your kids because the relationship dynamic you're modelling isn't really one of love and cooperation.

If you leave, then it will benefit your mental health in some ways (esp if your H has to have the kids sometimes - he'll have the mess and chaos and overtired children to deal with and you won't be there to pick up the pieces), and you are modelling being independent to your kids which will benefit them too.

Have you tried counselling or do you think the marriage is completely dead now? Laying an ultimatum outlining that he has to change or you will leave could also help, but may blow things up. Ultimately, he should be stepping up more often so that the kids start to listen to him, and he needs to deal with the aftermath of his own poor parenting in order to learn properly.

Also - ignore the “why did you marry him/ have another child with him/ not see the signs etc” brigade. They are saying this because they don’t know - they don’t know that these men keep their uselessness to themselves until you’re trapped.

Ignore the “well I would just say/ do X” brigade - “I would just not do it, just go out, just, just , just” - they don’t know. They don’t know how a man who is determinedly lazy re his kids will put immense effort into keeping that the status quo - more effort often than the actual work would take!

I agree! If someone had a man who responds by getting involved when you say you’re exhausted, they don’t understand.

These men don’t care if you’re exhausted - you’re a resource. You’re meant to be used to the absolute limit of your possible energy and capacity otherwise what’s the point of you? They often can’t bear seeing the resource having a rest, particularly if they aren’t currently having one.

My exh would say “go to hospital then” if I said I was exhausted/ tired/ not feeling 100% and could do with a rest - usually when he’d already had 5 times the rest I was asking for.

Well you work two days a week? Does he pay the mortgage , bills? Food and what do you pay for? Also, if you want to leave him then do but without much details on who pays what then you may find it harder.

He would probably have them at weekends but alternate ones so one weekend DD and one DS, he wouldn’t have them together.

I doubt the courts would agree to this if you refused. He should take both together, every other weekend, so you both get one weekend free.

In your shoes, it is wise to stay until they are older. Meanwhile, keep track of the finances - make sure you know all about his savings and pensions.

It will be easier when they are both in school - but beware he then doesn't turn round and suggest you get a job because you have 'free time' during the day.

‘please can you do the bath and bed time as I’m exhausted’ then you don’t really understand … I could never say this to DH because it would be a sort of ‘ok and that’s my problem how’ response.
Unfortunately, far too many men see the DC as somehow their wife's 'hobby' or expensive choice, not a joint responsibility.
You hear it in phrases from men like 'she had a baby', as if it doesn't take two.

Honestly I think when you’ve had enough the time will be right. It might be ina month or 6 or 24.

re 50:50- you might not think that’ll happen but if he wants it he’ll get it so try not to make assumptions, or base plans on the potential megre child main’t you’ll be due.

one more thing OP. I understand the exhaustion and desire to be alone. If I were you I would consider whether this is the exhaustion of life or the exhaustion from
your relationship.

im divorced and the emotional energy that was going into being unhappy, resentful and stressed was significant.
I don’t need time alone now, I can enjoy my children and my work without the dark cloud of a useless partner. Don’t understate how much work managing them is!

You know on the other two and a half days I’m not sitting around with my feet up watching box sets, yes? You do know two year olds are a fuck of a lot of work?

You are married to a selfish man not a mean nasty man. Awful to think I’m saying this but I would just continue as you are. It will improve for you once both children are at school. You can then figure out the next step.

I was a lone parent, I would not recommend it as everything falls to you to do for always. So if married to a decent man I would try to carry on for as long as I could.

He would only be able to get 50:50 if he left his job; he’ll never do that.

Besides, he could have it in the event of our hypothetical split. But nothing else I’ve said would change so I don’t really know why we’re quibbling about it? The point is, if we split I’d never ever have a break, while if we stay together, I will, at least a small amount.