To stay in my marriage for money

[nothingcancompare]

I’m aware that that’s an inflammatory thread title bur u guess that is what it boils down to. So to give a bit more detail.

DH and I have two children ; DD is 5 and in reception and our ds is nearly three. I work two and a half days a week, and it’s in a school so off for school holidays.

Before we had children I thought we’d roughly be equal parents. This has not been thr case at all. DH definitely sees anything he does do with the children as a sort of optional extra rather than what has to be done, and everything is left to me. I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

As a result the children just gravitate more and more to me. Even if he does do something he just creates more work for me, so if I go out for a couple of hours the house is trashed when I get back, he doesn’t cook for them

Obviously I’ve tried to address it with him, he just goes on the defensive and hones in on a particular occasion (yeah well they started fighting so …) or just whines generally which I hate and is difficult to answer. So now five and a half years down the line I do have to accept this is how things are.

I don’t get a break at all. I get up when the children do, tend to then through the day and night in one case and am responsible for their diet, activities and getting them to said activities and everything. Seven days a week, it’s relentless and I’m already dreading the long school holidays.

So here is where the title is relevant. Truthfully I’ve lost a lot of respect for DH and I’ve come to realise that while he’s basically a kind man he’s also selfish and lazy.

Ending the marriage is one possibility but I’m not sure when I think about it that it would help anything. Yes, I wouldn’t have resentment but the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.

I know it’s awful and I don’t consider myself a mercenary person but I have to also think about what’s realistic in terms of my mental health and family stability

To put it simply. You’d be doing most of, if not everything yourself if you leave and would potentially be worse off. If you want to leave him because you no longer love him that’s one thing but if you’re leaving him because he doesn’t help and you want rest, you’re most likely are going to get even less rest. Being a single mum is brutal and not a walk in the park.

OP I do understand the exhaustion and for me something had to give so I went on strike.you say if you go out and leave him to it you have to come back and clean the chaos? Why?
lower your standards to non existent. Let
him ask about the mess and point out he’s made it and if he wants it cleaned he does it. Same with looking after the kids, if you don’t force him to be with them he doesn’t learn how
to. You’re kind of enabling this behaviour by taking on the third child.

This may need to be a fight with him and an ultimatum. At least if you do leave you don’t feel so resentful at him lazing around while you do it all. You’ll also fall into your own routine that gives you more time. By all means stay for the money but if you’re this resentful and unhappy that’s only going to fester as time
goes on.

I second this if you can financially rely on him

I’ve read all your updates and I get it. Although he’s earned himself a divorce, you know that would only make life harder for you; you are effectively a single parent anyway, so with his income, and extra time to yourself once they are in school, it makes sense to stay.

The other thing is it’s not like the decision you make now is the one you stick to for the rest of your life. In a few years time you may feel less worn down with the parenting side and make a different decision. I will say, the laziness and leaving everything to you is one thing but totally checking out of family life is another. You might get to the point where they really notice that their Dad has no interest in them and it’s just more harmful to their self esteem to live in that situation than it is beneficial in other ways. Or they will be old enough that he can deal with them together without having excuses and a post-separation life will then look more as it should.

A long-winded way of saying you know what is right for you and what you can live with for now, and that might change with time.

But she finds spending time with her children exhausting - surely this would just make it worse ?

@calltheyep I don’t get that impression at all. The OP sounds like a tired but very dedicated mother. I feel sorry for her that she’s not being supported. It sounds like she gives her all to the children so they don’t go without, and her exhaustion is the consequence.

You are only working 2 1/2 days to your DH 5 days, so you should have some time to yourself while your dd is in reception, what about your ds is he not at nursery?

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time here. If what you are proposing works for you, and therefore also for your kids, then go for it, and I see no reason to feel in any way bad. I can definitely see why it seems like the least worst option.

I stayed in a sub optimal marriage in order to be able to be a SAHM. As the kids got older, things improved between us and we are actually still together now the DCs are grown up and long gone.

OP, in your shoes I’d be building a running away fund. Do you have family or a friend you can really trust? If so, I’d start getting cash back regularly at the supermarket and then banking it with that other person (either in a bank account under their name or in a lockable box at their house).

I’d bide my time and think about increasing your hours as the children get older (and hopefully easier) because as PP have said, there’s no guarantee that he won’t call time on the marriage at a later time. Plus your running away money would be there and he wouldn’t know about it.

(Yes I know you’re not supposed to do this with the money but in a vulnerable position, why wouldn’t you?)

I don’t think leaving is ever an easy answer and many people stay in marriages for lots of reasons.

I dont get your point here. Woman like you are a disgrace. Chip on your shoulder so she works 2 days so she deserves to be treated like s@it with no help. Why because he pays the bills. What level are you setting for yourself. She works 2 days to keep a career going no doubt and 3 days with her child. Again it comes down to pay. So basically if you are being kept then anything goes. Does your employer treat you with such distain.

Game face and exit strategy for sure.
Your children will suffer alongside you otherwise. They will know it's an unhappy household. It will shape them forever.

I’m pretty sure many women do this and I would say more so in the current economic climate. My relationship has gone through ups and downs and on one occasion I had the same thoughts as you and realised financially we would be screwed and many things would be a lot worse. Luckily things turned around for us. But really my relationship would have to be rock bottom to walk due to money. As much as many may say not, I have not read the whole thread, so I may be way out there, I really think many women stay unfortunately even ones in abusive relationships.

Absolutely stay at least another year or two, and the rest if you can. They are still very young and I really do think that as long as it isn't a horrible abusive situation the children should come first.

Don't do this. You need to retain some independence in case the marriage doesn't survive.

Just a thought could you see your doctor and say how difficult life is for you, you sound worn out. While I don’t like anti-depressants they may help you cope a bit better and buy you some time until both the children are at school by that time you might know what you want/need to do for you. Good luck take a few deep breaths you are NOT alone.

We are on the ‘other side’ of where you are at.

DH terms that time as the broccoli years… and was much better (and happier) when they could get in the car and put their seat belts on themselves.

for my part I had a stroke about 2 years after our last DC. So first up my advice to you is are you keeping up with your own wellness check ins with your GP?

I agree with the poster further up who suggested you get your exercise gear or comfy clothing on and when your DH is home, set off for a walk or run or whatever it is you enjoy to get away. If DH decides to join you, then get one of those all terrain type buggy’s for the DC and HE pushes it.

what sort of parenting did he have? My DH was raised on a farm so in those days basically MIL was the parent while FIL did the bulk of the daily milking etc. Sometimes looking back you can see where and why the DH’s see themselves fitting in.

My DH would have been frustrated if our DC didn’t listen to him though so I think you need to address that and back DH if the eldest ignores Dad.

once you both get passed this stage, and you will, find your joy again as a couple. We are empty nest now and it’s a huge hole. We have started to travel and it’s been good for us as a couple.

This is entirely up to you. He does nothing now but pays for everything. When you divorce, you will be still doing everything and paying for everything and your kids never see you, because you will put them in breakfast club and after school club.

If she's not ready to walk out of the marriage she should not mention it. We should learn not to issue threats of divorce, yes, she's in an unpalatable situation.
But threatening divorce and not carrying on with it if he says yes will leave her with even a more shorter end of the stick.
She should stay if she wants to, but stay with strategy and get leverage.

I’ve read all of your posts and I still don’t understand why you can’t just speak up and ask him to do more? You say he just won’t etc etc but have you actually had a serious talk with him? I’d just go out and leave him with them, if the house is a mess get him to tidy it. Repeat until he gets used to it

I don’t think you’re unreasonable for wanting to stay to make life easier, but I don’t think that the relationship is recoverable once the kids are grown I’d want a divorce. Lazy and selfish is such an ick

Will he not expect you to go full time when your son starts school. If so you won’t get any time to yourself you will be more tired.

You don’t resent your children, you love them. You resent the fact your husband is a lazy selfish are who can’t watch his own children long enough for you to do “you” things, and when you can’t do things for yourself it’s so so hard to carry on as you are. So you have any family who could watch your littlies for a bit? Even so you can have lunch with friends? Crap asking but when you’ve got a useless husband what else can you do

I definitely get this. I stuck it out OP. I’m not sure if it’s the right thing or not. Because one way or another I ended up staying until the youngest finished uni. Getting a divorce now because the resentment just didn’t go away. One time I said to my STBXH could you just have him in the morning for an hour so I can go back to sleep (at the weekend) and he cradled him still crying right next to me - no chance of any sleep then!

Mu husband was quite unkind though as well as selfish and lazy but I think the selfishness rankles more than the meanness TBH. Only you can work out what’s the best thing for you but I can understand why you want to stay. You’re so exhausted it seems too exhausting to leave with all that goes with that.

If you can afford any breaks or have parents who might have the kids for a weekend or even a day then bite their hands off. Once you get some rest you may be able to think straight and make the decision thats right for you over the long term.

I have to say though life could have been more peaceful without the resentment.

I feel like I’m in a similar position but with slightly older kids now. My OH does basically nothing to help with the kids and I feel like a single parent most of the time. Very rarely I will go out with some friends in the evening and have to basically ask for permission and plan it in with him to make sure he will be home to watch the DC. I’ll have to make sure that they have eaten before I go and more often than not I will get home to find they are still up because “they wanted to see me before going to bed” so I get the pleasure of sorting bedtime. Financially I couldn’t live on my own with the DC as I only work part time and have zero family support for any sort of child care. My OH is self employed and I know that if we were to split he would be sure to make his accounts show minimal earnings so I wouldn’t get much in the way of maintenance. So I stay put, he does care about me and the DC I think, but just not enough to inconvenience himself in any way!

honestly I don’t think you are wrong for staying primarily for financial reasons and I do think you will find it easier once your youngest has started school. Having those 2 days for yourself will be a game changer, as long as your DH doesn’t then expect you to change to full time seeing as you aren’t looking after your DS.

If I was in your position I’d probably stay put for a few years and work really hard on getting a little pot together for when you do leave him. Then remember you are entitled to CM and maybe universal credit to help you out.

i don’t know how you’ve spoken to him in the past but maybe you could sit him down and tell him that never having a lie-in or any sort of time to yourself is making you ill and depressed. He wanted kids too I presume and it isn’t the 1950s, he can learn to pull his weight. You could say that on Saturday he has to get up because you won’t. He can whinge all he likes but I think you need to make the point more forcefully whether he likes it or not.