To stay in my marriage for money

[nothingcancompare]

I’m aware that that’s an inflammatory thread title bur u guess that is what it boils down to. So to give a bit more detail.

DH and I have two children ; DD is 5 and in reception and our ds is nearly three. I work two and a half days a week, and it’s in a school so off for school holidays.

Before we had children I thought we’d roughly be equal parents. This has not been thr case at all. DH definitely sees anything he does do with the children as a sort of optional extra rather than what has to be done, and everything is left to me. I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

As a result the children just gravitate more and more to me. Even if he does do something he just creates more work for me, so if I go out for a couple of hours the house is trashed when I get back, he doesn’t cook for them

Obviously I’ve tried to address it with him, he just goes on the defensive and hones in on a particular occasion (yeah well they started fighting so …) or just whines generally which I hate and is difficult to answer. So now five and a half years down the line I do have to accept this is how things are.

I don’t get a break at all. I get up when the children do, tend to then through the day and night in one case and am responsible for their diet, activities and getting them to said activities and everything. Seven days a week, it’s relentless and I’m already dreading the long school holidays.

So here is where the title is relevant. Truthfully I’ve lost a lot of respect for DH and I’ve come to realise that while he’s basically a kind man he’s also selfish and lazy.

Ending the marriage is one possibility but I’m not sure when I think about it that it would help anything. Yes, I wouldn’t have resentment but the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.

I know it’s awful and I don’t consider myself a mercenary person but I have to also think about what’s realistic in terms of my mental health and family stability

Hi OP,

I think I understand because i did the same and it saved me a lot in sanity and money. He wasn't abusive, he was lazy and selfish and i would not have chosen him again but I had had to make the best of the situation.

yes i know it's better on paper to leave if you lose respect but i had not other support and my life and my kids lives would have been more stressful, less comfortable and i know they would have felt rejected by their father.

i stayed for 10 years and thought of it like living with a housemate who loved my kids, who my kids loved and could help me with half or more of our income and house & admin duties like diy, tax.

as they got older it got easier because they became better company to him and he did genuinely love them and have fun with them and i know they felt loved by him.

i developed hobbies and friends and trained in the days i had and got myself in a position where i could leave.

he and my kids have a nice easy relationship now, he won't ever do the mental and physical load of parenting - i had to do it all - but I would've had to do it all if we'd split too but poorer and less comfortable.

i know it's awful, im sad thats how it happened but i dont regret it

I see what you mean. Things are hard now but when they’re both in school you will get some time to/for yourself when you are not working. You say he is selfish but kind which seems paradoxical. Who is he kind to exactly? He isn’t kind to you from the sound of it.

I agree with hanging on at least until they are in school so if you do leave it would give you chance to plan/prepare and make life easier for them and you, with the children in one place. Maybe have the conversation with him, tell him how you are feeling and then in a year decide whether to walk or stay, putting up with him as it is now.

I get it, OP, and in a practical sense I understand why you would do that but I think his utter lack of care will build up the resentment to the point you can’t go on.

You only have two children and they are young enough to learn new tricks.

You have nothing to lose by insisting on some changes by DH. On a Friday insist that he does all prep work.

Help him with a written list.
Leave the kids to him. Assume they can hear him if they are not deaf.
It will not work out well for a few weeks. Kids and DH will be late for school. Kids will be uncomfortable and want you. Etc. But you have nothing to lose in expecting much more.

Don't accept a trashed home. Take the younger child with you and calmly go out again - leaving a list of all that needs to be fixed up by DH and the older child.
Stop being a door mat.

When DH improves thank him and tell him that more of that, forever, is what the family needs.

Look honestly...this is what the vast majority of women do and are doing. The myth of the equal partnership after children and the perfect man is a complete lie. They do not exist. Yes, men are selfish. But he supports you being able to work 2.5 days per week so you can either leave and ruin everybody's lives and for what? The chance at another man who will be exactly the same if not worse and probably have children of his own you have to mother? Find joy OUTSIDE the marriage where you can. You have one life and unfortunately this is heterosexual relationships and the position you find yourself in. I am in the same boat as is every woman I know pretty much. Find hobbies, find friends. As the children grow older you will have even more freedom. Don't waste it trying to change him or doing marriage counselling (which will make him resentful and angry and which I have NEVER seen do anything bar speed up a divorce that was already coming). Focus on your own career as the kids get older so you can leave him when they are older and not be destitute.

This. What I hear a lot of in your post is what you need - and what your DH clearly does for himself. I don’t hear a lot about what your two children need. If you resent him now, it’s going to get worse not better unless things changed drastically; why would you want two children to grow up in an unhappy household?

Changing schools is difficult but it’s not impossible and it’s far easier to do when they’re little than it is to expect them to stay in a toxic environment - unless you want to be in therapy for the rest of their lives. And to be honest as young as they are, they would’ve already picked up on any animosity between you, trust me.

I left my Ex-H because of this when DS was 3.5. We'd been together for 8 years before he was born and I also expected we'd do a fair share of parenting. Tried talking to him and he said there was no problem because he didn't have a problem and I was imagining it, mental load is a made up thing by feminists according to him.

Now I'm older and wiser (ha), I realise just how common exactly this situation is. Mothers completely exhausted, working and carrying all the parenting load, fathers feeling "nagged" and believing they're doing their bit.

It might help writing up a list of every single thing you do and have to keep in mind, whether it's a daily task, how long it tasks etc. Then divide those tasks up. You not preparing anything, he taking on full responsibility for that thing including thinking of it.

I am in exactly the same situation. No people don’t understand when they say get him to do more. Train him. My husband won’t be trained. I am staying for the children and will make my exit when they are grown. I can’t put them through living in poverty for the sake of my happiness. I think a lot of women live like this. I need time to work out my career because I have nothing right now. He is going to play golf for the weekend whilst my youngest has a fever and is vomiting right now. He’s not an evil person but incredibly lazy and selfish. I need a roof over our head and food on the table and I can’t provide that on my own.

exactly this.

They know we can't provide for the children ourselves which is why they feel comfortable being lazy and selfish. Because they bank on the fact that we have nowhere to go and they are largely right. That's why I never judge women who have affairs or FWB or who secretly squirrel away their own emergency fund from family resources. Because they are being strategic and incredibly cold in their treatment of us so we need to start learning to do the same. You don't know what a man is like until you have had children with him.

You’ll get respite every other weekend, and some nights in the week, if you separate. This is my life, no it’s not what anyone sets out to do, and is a transition for the kids initially, but we are all now thriving and SO much happier. My weekends ‘off’ are SUCH a reset for me and I have more time for me than I ever did, improved mental health etc. It comes down to how unhappy you are in the actual relationship, as opposed to if it’s just the current set up and its demands. My ex was the same and everything fell to me, all
parenting was my responsibility, but if I flagged this, I was delusional and I couldn’t take it anymore once the respect for him had gone. It’s hard to come back from these highly demanding years if cracks have developed.

Loads of mums work full time including me. Neither of your children are babies, one is at school and the other one nearly at school. You and your ex would need to coordinate annual leave so you both cover the holidays or use kids clubs. You’re modelling an awful relationship to your children and they will probably copy this when they’re older. All because you want to stay part time term time.

Honestly I think this is the right thing. People speak of ending marriage as if it’s easy.

He isn’t suddenly going to start parenting… but he may be angry enough to drag you through court. The children won’t understand why you left daddy, especially with no abuse or cheating. You’ll need to work more hours, you’ll have more to worry about, the children won’t have you as you’ll be working and won’t have dad as he’ll be the same man& working. Divorce / separation helps no one in this.

@calltheyep

I’m sure you’ve had your arse handed to you many times already in this thread but in my case I ended up with a useless father to two kids because we were older parents and agreed in advance on a small gap. I had six months maternity leave and DS was a clingy, breastfed baby so XH’s low involvement seemed just par for the course.

By the time DS was nine months old, I was pregnant again. Throughout the pregnancy, XH showed more and more signs of being far less engaged than he’d said he would be. There were loads of excuses, the business was busy so he was “too tired” (even though I was up multiple times a night with a bad sleeper), he had a knee injury that suddenly needed loads of rehab after work, etc etc.

By the time DD had reached six months of age, I was juggling a four-day a week job, a baby and a two-year-old and being told “I’m already doing enough” by my ex. (He wasn’t.)

This is just one of the many possible scenarios for why women end up with husbands who simply aren’t pulling their weight with the house and the kids. Stop acting like men’s failure to step up is somehow the fault of their wives.

*Edited because the quote didn’t show up

I understand what you saying, what you are trying to work out. Your life sounds similar to mine, just to say-I stayed! Our DC are now 26,23 and 16.
My DH worked shifts so would stay in bed on a late shift, no help at all with getting anyone ready, on an early shift he would maybe cook dinner…has never done the washing/school ironing, cleaned, hoovered
changed bedding,
I work in early years so was lucky enough to have a term time job.I had to study when my boys were very young to gain the NVQ’s . I did all the school runs, the swimming classes, the football, the dance classes, all the weekend parties,all of the school events, parents evenings, my DH would say-“you know I cant cope with all of them!”
Amongst all of this my DM died suddenly when DS’s were young, that broke my heart and my DF died when my DD was 6 months, my parents were a great support to me.I have siblings, one DSis whom I very close to.
I stayed because of money, I think my term time job helped, I guess I became almost robotic to all the jobs.
I look at my DH and think he’s a selfish, lazy man. He retired last year,age 61, he didn't discuss with me, just dropped it into conversation, said he had a great retirement pot!
I dont have a great retirement pot….. so plan to work til I’m 67, I’m hoping to find a full time job soon as DD has almost ( one exam left!) finished Y11 and I really do not need term time hours and I think theres a best before date when you work in childcare and I’ve reached that!
Also I would like to be out of the house as much as possible
I feel quite separate from him, almost like a housemate, its sounds very sad but I made that choice, was it the “right” choice, who can really say?
My DC are happy, busy with their lives, our eldest DS is close to his Dad, our 2nd DS isnt soo much, DD is a busy 16 year old who doesnt care too much about her parents!!
I hope you make the “right” choice for you, not easy
One of my mum friends got divorced quite a few years ago, cost her £40,000 in solicitors fees! So that has been my main reason to stay…..

This is so valid! A lot of the comments suggesting staying to enable part time working are very sad, I can only draw from my own experience but I now know I was displaying what an unsatisfied relationship model looked like, and small impressionable little people will only know this as “normal” and seek this out in the future. A comment my DD said one day about “daddy’s room” and it stopped me and made me realize they were so switched on to the fact we rarely shared a room and were absorbing this as normal! We all want the best for our children and teaching them what a happy, respectful relationship looks like goes beyond just tolerating each other for convenience. Much easier to see and understand this, when on the other side admittedly!

i’m so perplexed that people are shocked by this. You are basically writing about my life. My husband did nothing when our child came. Not one night, not one nappy. He’s better now our child is older. However, now when he does anything, it’s like he’s doing me a favour.
I’m going to stay for a few years, get myself sorted and move on. I hated him for years. But now I’ve let it go. Try and enjoy my life and focus on me.
I’d Not do anything rash. Otherwise you’ll be in the same position but skint. Good luck ❤️

Babe get out! Ditch him and buy a cheap 1 bed flat by the sea. Surely you can avoid those solicitors cost?

Why does leaving mean you’d be skint? Everyone’s financial situations are obviously unique to them, but I’m personally better off now we’ve separated, I work full time (flexible and hybrid which helps!) you’ll get child maintenance, tons of financial support from the government (as a single parent) huge contributions to childcare costs as you’re single, plus a full time wage PLUS rotating weekends off to make up for working full time. It really doesn’t mean being skint (it certainly doesn’t for me!) I’ve stayed in the family home as my new financial position allowed me to! It’s worth looking into, for anyone who feels it’s financially not possible!

I think that’s a rather unfair statement to the poster. She’s not moaning about being a mum and looking after her children; she’d rather the other 50% of the parent cohort did something constructive to help with their children.

Do you still love him what are his good points?

I can see you are stuck between hard and harder, but will harder eventually lead to better?
it sounds so bleak to be resigned to staying in your marriage because it’s the least worst option. The resentment in that would eat me up.
You get 1 life.

No you are not unreasonable.
You are in survival.
Right now, that is the problem to solve, how do you get some respite: Definitely consider a mothers help, staying with a friend, family or something to get another pair of hands to help and take a load off. Just so you get a few hours back to go for a walk, breathe, or read or anything that brings you a bit of joy for you. This will help get you through short term.

i would also say that setting a time a week where you do grab an hour or two and leave him with them (knowing carnage on return) is still good to do. Set a rhythm to this so kids and him know. Yes do the set up first - annoying but just where things are.

once kids at school and you get those couple of days, you’ll have some more headspace to work through your options around your marriage. Is he terrified underneath and not know what to do, or just doesn’t believe it’s his role? Different solutions for different problem. Planning to leave in a way that is financially and emotionally viable is critical so agree not to rush.

Finally - just a massive hug, this is so hard, these ages are very challenging and the good news is it will get easier. Best of luck - get some other help Xx

Have you told him @nothingcancompare ? Not an argument, but that you’re deeply unhappy and feeling at breaking point because other than money, you feel he’s contributing very little. Have you written down what you have responsibility for and with an estimate of how long it takes (with his input too)? Is there anywhere you can air your dirty laundry in order to shame him into change?

I agree he’s unlikely to want 50:50 (unless he found a new woman to facilitate that). He’s more likely to have McDonalds for tea on a Wednesday and every other Saturday where he drops them back early because they were arguing/they wanted you/whatever.

You’re not wrong to think that leaving would be worse than staying but that they’re both unattractive options. I just wonder whether at some point he’ll pretend he had no idea.

This was me. Husband focused entirely on career and his ‘right’ to a break / down time / hobbies when not working. I also worked, but was expected to flex my career and fit everything else around it. I resented him for years, we argued all the time and I had endless plans to leave that never happened because, like the OP, leaving would always be worse for us all. He burnt out and now has a more gentle career, much less commute. Kids a bit older; it gets easier. So I scheduled days for him to be in charge, and he happily took over. Now we are a genuine 50:50. I’m not sure I will ever fully respect him again but i think it was worth sticking around.