To stay in my marriage for money

[nothingcancompare]

I’m aware that that’s an inflammatory thread title bur u guess that is what it boils down to. So to give a bit more detail.

DH and I have two children ; DD is 5 and in reception and our ds is nearly three. I work two and a half days a week, and it’s in a school so off for school holidays.

Before we had children I thought we’d roughly be equal parents. This has not been thr case at all. DH definitely sees anything he does do with the children as a sort of optional extra rather than what has to be done, and everything is left to me. I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

As a result the children just gravitate more and more to me. Even if he does do something he just creates more work for me, so if I go out for a couple of hours the house is trashed when I get back, he doesn’t cook for them

Obviously I’ve tried to address it with him, he just goes on the defensive and hones in on a particular occasion (yeah well they started fighting so …) or just whines generally which I hate and is difficult to answer. So now five and a half years down the line I do have to accept this is how things are.

I don’t get a break at all. I get up when the children do, tend to then through the day and night in one case and am responsible for their diet, activities and getting them to said activities and everything. Seven days a week, it’s relentless and I’m already dreading the long school holidays.

So here is where the title is relevant. Truthfully I’ve lost a lot of respect for DH and I’ve come to realise that while he’s basically a kind man he’s also selfish and lazy.

Ending the marriage is one possibility but I’m not sure when I think about it that it would help anything. Yes, I wouldn’t have resentment but the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.

I know it’s awful and I don’t consider myself a mercenary person but I have to also think about what’s realistic in terms of my mental health and family stability

Nasty

On a purely practical level, if you and the kids left (you would surely have 100% custody), he would have financial responsibilities at least until the kids were 18.

Could he afford that? Would it be enough with your part-time job (and maybe benefits?) to have a reasonable quality of life?

Because you are still young enough to start over and maybe do a lot better than this sperm donor.

Are you still attracted to each other?

I am sorry this is a really hard choice. Can you treat yourself like the single parent you are, and arrange sitters to mind the kiddos during the day while you get a break and head to the gym, class, lunch date with friends. He is a useless bugger and I would be telling him so, and when he next wants sex, I would repeat to him and that is my problem how? Within the marriage I would make myself as independent as possible. If apart from his lack of useless he is not a miserable bastard, I can understand staying as long as you get your free time weekly.

OP I have been in your position and know it’s really hard.
my ex husband was a useless father. Lazy, selfish and didn’t think house and kids was his responsibility. It made me so sad as I have a fabulous relationship with my own dad and wanted my kids to have the same. I was part time too and said everything you say.
couple of things to consider;

1. he won’t ever change
2. resentment grows and you never feel the same about a person
3. i wish I had left when my kids were as young as yours instead of staying for years
4. your hubby won’t want the kids 50/50 however you would be surprised how people change during divorce men think it’s an easy way out of giving the ex money (he will find someone else to look after them)
5. most important please do put extra money into your pension while you are only part time (for the inevitable split)
6. when your kids go off to uni or leave home you two are stuck together and if you split up then you could be late 60’s
7. its really hard parenting young children in your 40’s (much harder than younger) and hormones start raging with peri too so don’t be hard on yourself

I genuinely thought I’d stay and did for years, eventually I was that ground down I’d have worked 7 days a week and eaten pot noodles just for the relief of leaving and starting again. Best decision I ever made and my life is 100 x better now

Glad you pointed this out. This problem comes up on this thread over and over again. It is a lot more commonplace than people will admit to. And will pretend to have perfect marriages

Despite years of Feminism and so called Equality of the sexes. Many women are still stuck in this situation with men who still think it the 1950's and behave the way their grandfather's did.

Is your husband struggling with his mental or physical health? If not, he has no excuse and you’re enabling his behaviour. He doesn’t want to look after the kids, then he can take on the majority of the chores. However, you still get child-free time.

I wouldn’t leave given your financial situation atm, but this is what I would do:

I would take your 3 days off of work (get a doctors note for mental health if need be) and tell him that you are slowly losing your mind because you have no time to yourself. And that YOU ARE LEAVING for the week. He needs to sort out the kids & everything etc. Obviously it will be heartbreaking being away from your DC & you tell them you have to go somewhere for work or whatever.

No doubt, you will come back home to a better partner. Tough love and a dose of reality is what he needs. Because you’re doing far too much. And you can’t pour from an empty cup. At this point you have nothing to lose.

If it doesn’t change, get a cleaner that he pays for. Make meals for your kids but not him. Same with laundry etc. He is not a good man.

Does he not understand the resentment it is creating?

Maybe take this year to get all your ducks in a row. Speak to a solicitor, make your plan. Then once they are both in school you’re out. And don’t shame yourself by saying you’re staying in it for the money in the meantime, this isn’t what this is. If you leave and there’s joint custody you will get child free time on his days. Good luck xx

I think your plan is fine, it’s all he deserves. I have zero time or respect for men who won’t parent, and my dh was a bit like that but I wouldn’t let it happen for a minute and I work full time. Told him there was no fucking way I would be helping pack a bag of baby clothes for an adult man in the morning to take his own child to childcare, if he was a 15 year old babysitting maybe. I told him it was neglect to send a baby who’s going to wet their clothes without a change and that made him a neglectful dad.

So I would sit down and do another plan to devoting a fuckton of energy to making him a better dad. I’d sit him down and tell Friday mornings he is going to do everything, and I’m going to write him a checklist and sit there with my tea reminding him of everything until he gets it down pat, and if he doesn’t like that I’m going to go out and the school can phone him for his failings. Ask him if he likes looking in the mirror and thinking he’s totally unable to do basic things for his own children.
leave him for 2 hours every weekend. Ask him to do a chore every single night. Take him and the kids to his parents to stay the weekend so you get a weekend off without them making your home a dump. Focus on having the patience of a saint and calm consequences, if it’s washing up and he refuses then you have no dinner for him the next night. Whip him into shape, do not give him a night off. Tell him things are changing and his life will be much harder if he doesn’t step up. Then in 10 years ditch him. Actions have consequences and he’s earning them.

If he can hold down a job, and no doubt has a boss he takes instruction from then there are no excuses. As the former poster said, it is neglect. Let nursery tell him off everyday for not packing the bag etc - he will soon figure it out. It’s not rocket science, and you’re not his mum.

I’ve read your posts and I see and understand that you are determined to stay and have your reasons. So my advice is based on this assumption.

Book little one into nursery/ the setting they go to when you are at work one extra day a week. So you can have at least 6 hours to yourself once a week whilst eldest at school. Don’t feel bad. They’re still only away from you part the week and you will be a better mum for it as you need to invest in yourself too.

Book a weekend/ overnight break away with a friend or family member in advance and let him know your shared kids are all his that sat to sun. At least if the house is a tip you’ll have had a good break.

As a teacher you’ve not thrown your career away being part time. so ignore those people harping on, You can easily transition from part to full time when and if you want/ need to. Crying out for teachers. Who wants a senior role in school these days anyway, the pressure is real and the extra pay is not enough!! I’ve also found multi income streams of teaching/ education related work alongside part time contract better pay and life balance,

I felt very much like this when my 3 were pre school age. Albeit husband absent at heavy job and present when here. Did give me breaks when he could but not often at all. Still fell to me. All being at school is a complete game changer. Do not underestimate how much lighter you will feel for this. Plus as they get older hols are more relaxing as they get more independent. A calm hour at home here and there each day rather than chaos of little tiny ones xxx

my husband sounds the same. But from your point of view why is it so bad that you have to do everything with your kids, they are yours and you did birth them. They will be big soon and you might actually miss them being small. Mums want everything these days. I personal don’t think you would find anyone better either if that’s the only thing that you don’t like about him. I think most men don’t naturally do stuff off their own back.

You’re in the thick of it with little ones at home. Keep going and when they’re at school you’ll have more time for yourself.

Your husband might not pull his weight 50:50 with practical stuff with the kids but if he works full time and provides the lion’s share of the household income - that enables you to work part-time - then that’s a valuable and valid contribution.

I really wouldn’t be quick to turn everyone’s lives upside down by splitting up. That will not a picnic either.

Dig in, focus on your blessings and make it work for you, would be my advice.

He is a world class expert at weaponised incompetence isn’t he. I don’t think he is kind at all.

But frankly I don’t care about him. I care about you OP and what is important to you. I’d go with your plan. But expand on it. Actually work towards what an exit plan would look like. Because your DC are going to notice his lack of interest as they grow older and it’s going to hurt them. Which means it will also hurt you.

Start building a village of support. Yes this will be hard but use time that you may have used connecting with DH to connect more with friends and family.

As far as DH goes, I’d be aiming to get support from him in non child related activities. So making dinner and cleaning on the weekends. Try making it his job to cook every Sunday night.

And best wishes to you. This is a tough time for you. Take him out of the equation other than what he can do to make your life better. That seems to be what he is doing to you.

If DH won’t do anything with the kids then you should stop working and tell him your full-time job is the kids.

Have you considered counselling eg Relate? My DH refused until it was that or me leave, and good god, it helped! The counsellor was a man, which actually really good, and made it harder for DH to wriggle.

This is your option for now but how do you have a romantic relationship with him? Is sex part of your duties? (it shouldn't be).

OP, what is within your powers to change?

What are you prepared to do to change your situation?

But you could make him face facts with a threat of divorce with 50:50. Seriously I don't understand how courts don't enforce this with useless fathers. It usually ends up with the mum living like a single parent and the Dad gets to be a Disney dad. Do not fix things for him. Do not clear up the mess. Do not prepare meals. They HAVE TO eat and he's an adult. Make him face it. Or threaten a 50:50 divorce. Useless twat. Him, not you!

It doesn’t really matter what you work or he works. They are your children, his and yours so whatever needs doing and whoever is available does it!
whether you are in the shower, the garden, the loo or shopping, he needs to step up. He is their dad, and if he can’t be bothered then you mays well be on your own.
get on turn2us, put your situation in and see where you would be on your own.
tell him straight, buck up or get out, you don’t have 3 kids, you have 2 and don’t need him acting like a third. He needs to grow up and be the father he was happy to become, it’s not just a title.

Is irregardless a word? It's a double negative! Surely you mean regardless or irrespective.

Would it be possible for you to book a cleaner to come in on your return to the house after leaving him with the children for a good few hours or whole day?

I get it, and was in a similar position a few years ago work and childcare wise, and even with a supportive husband I found it hard. I did, however, get a weekend away and breaks and tbh, there was the odd night I went to a hotel for peace and a decent sleep, and also I told him to take leave for 4 days when I went away to visit my sister. They managed, nothing bad happened, they may not have cleaned their teeth well, or eaten anything but pizza, house was a mess when I returned, but who cares?
Do you have somewhere you can escape to for a break?

I’m sure your children would prefer to go through life with a sibling, whatever it holds! Even in the worst case scenario for your relationship, you might be so glad they’ve got each other in due course.

I really sympathise. How do you make someone like this realise what they’re doing if they only ever go on the defensive? Relationship therapy? I don’t know OP. I admire your pragmatism and think you are right to stick it out for another season. You might find those extra days go to building up a new skill or business for yourself that leads to more financial independence and choices. E.g. at least building up a pension / savings so you’re not asking the same question re: stability in 20 years’ time.

Leave now.
do not wait until they are older as that will really turn their lives upside down (my relationship with my children’s dad ended in their teen years, one still doesn’t talk to him)