To stay in my marriage for money

[nothingcancompare]

I’m aware that that’s an inflammatory thread title bur u guess that is what it boils down to. So to give a bit more detail.

DH and I have two children ; DD is 5 and in reception and our ds is nearly three. I work two and a half days a week, and it’s in a school so off for school holidays.

Before we had children I thought we’d roughly be equal parents. This has not been thr case at all. DH definitely sees anything he does do with the children as a sort of optional extra rather than what has to be done, and everything is left to me. I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

As a result the children just gravitate more and more to me. Even if he does do something he just creates more work for me, so if I go out for a couple of hours the house is trashed when I get back, he doesn’t cook for them

Obviously I’ve tried to address it with him, he just goes on the defensive and hones in on a particular occasion (yeah well they started fighting so …) or just whines generally which I hate and is difficult to answer. So now five and a half years down the line I do have to accept this is how things are.

I don’t get a break at all. I get up when the children do, tend to then through the day and night in one case and am responsible for their diet, activities and getting them to said activities and everything. Seven days a week, it’s relentless and I’m already dreading the long school holidays.

So here is where the title is relevant. Truthfully I’ve lost a lot of respect for DH and I’ve come to realise that while he’s basically a kind man he’s also selfish and lazy.

Ending the marriage is one possibility but I’m not sure when I think about it that it would help anything. Yes, I wouldn’t have resentment but the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.

I know it’s awful and I don’t consider myself a mercenary person but I have to also think about what’s realistic in terms of my mental health and family stability

I’m sure people do it-it’s pretty miserable though.

Are you planning to stay forever and just not tell him?

Do you mean plan to leave once the kids are in school so you can work more hours?

If so, I think plenty of people do this kind of thing, leaving isn’t always as simple as getting up and going immediately for all kinds of reasons and if you need to plan your future long term then there’s nothing wrong with that.

I haven’t got that far in terms of planning, to be honest. At the moment I’m purely trying to survive.

@Changingplace no I mean the opposite. Plan to stay so that I don’t have to work more hours. That’s the only way I’ll get a bit of respite as far as I can see.

Would it be worth sitting down with him and saying that you want to end the marriage? I did that with my DH, who was also lazy, and it turned things around. That is pretty rare I know but worth a try?

I don’t think it would change anything, as things are just so entrenched now. The kids don’t listen to him and he can’t handle them.

I’m always shocked when I read these threads that there’s more than 1 child. After you seen what kind of Dad he is what on earth would possess you to have a 2nd DC!? Irregardless I feel quite sorry for the children as it sounds like both parents begrudge looking after them.

Loads of people do this. It’s easy for others to say walk away when it’s not perfect but the reality would be worse. Could you afford to have somewhere to live and bring up your children separately? You’d still be doing things on your own mostly anyway.
It’s definitely worth talking to him though and seeing if you can get through to him about how unhappy you are.

As long as you have given him more than one chance to change, fine. Then he knows you are unhappy and doesn't care, he's already ended the marriage in the true spirit of it.

Does he work really long hours, is he doing anything else that compensates his lack of effort?

Because of a number of factors. DD wasn’t quite two when I got pregnant with Ds, and the extent of things weren’t apparent at that stage, is the main one. Yes, when I look back I can see tendencies and inclinations but we were a family then, and things were manageable.

I actually do broadly agree with you that it would have been much better for everybody if we’d stayed at one child but that’s a toxic thought that helps no one.

@Hotandpointy i guess the point is that if I did that I would be doing everything but also having to work full time to fund it. And I really do think working FT Monday to Friday term time, children all weekends and holidays for the rest of their childhood would be too much for me. I have to be realistic.

He does work long hours - partly (mainly) because of a long commute. But if he works from home or takes a day of annual leave he still leaves everything to me.

It doesn’t sound like that at all. It sounds like op is completely burnt out from parenting 2 children alone. I’d feel the same.

Your position sounds incredibly hard and I dont think anyone will judge you for considering what is best for you and the kids. I do think you need a better long term plan. Can you put up with this for 10+ years whilst your kids finish school? Do you really think you should be unhappy for this long? (Spoiler - you deserve better!) For now you sound sorely in need of a rest, but working full time and using holiday care for the kids (NOT fully paid for out of your wage) would put you in a far more secure position for the future if you do split. Maybe have a rest, then go full time and start a nest egg?

On a day to day level I’m not really unhappy with DH. I resent him and have lost respect for him but I do care about him on some level and we are nice and kind to one another (in the sense of day to day things; have explained badly.)

What is making me unhappy is literally never having any sort of break or time to myself while DH has loads. I know once this balance is addressed I’ll be OK.

You care about him but he doesn't seem to care about you. You've said what you need and he won't do it because he can't be bothered or it doesn't suit him. That's extremely selfish.

Several points
If he's working from home, he's working. Yes he can be around in an evening but during the day, working.

Aside from that, this is the coalface. This is as worse as it ever gets. Age 3 and 5 literally broke me. It gets so much easier after that.

Some parents are better with older kids than younger kids. He might improve. That will only happen if you make him. Make a list and split the jobs.

Where you can, pay for outside help. It will make you less frustrated. If he asks why, tell him it's because he doesn't do his equal share.

I guess the question is would you be happy with only seeing the kids 50% of the time. Probably not. I'd stay.

It’s more common than is overtly admitted. The structure is in place, but the personal dynamics arent satisfying, so the structure continues, and the personal relationship satisfaction is the part that gets relinquished.
This is why there’s all the cliches about ‘ her indoors’ and ‘ the hen pecked husband’ and the husband who is always propping up the bar at the local pub etc.
The structure is in place, but the relationship isn’t nourishing personally. Hey ho!

I think the OP is grudging that she's basically solo parenting 2 pre-schoolers. It's not what she signed up for!

I'm not sensing any resentment towards her kids?

the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

In the grand scheme of their lives these are such minor problems. Children have to deal with new schools and moving house all the time. The small upset they might feel will not have a lifelong impact. They may cry for a week and then they will stop.

On the other hand growing up in a household with a loveless marriage, resentful mother, crap father, and having that as their relationship model - that will definitely follow them into adulthood.

So long as there is no abuse, I can understand you are being practical and it comes down to survival mode. However, if at any point you feel you can’t do it any more and want to divorce, don’t feel guilty or like you owe him anything.

He's unlikely to want them - or be able to - full time when he a) can't manage a few hours, and b) works full time.

Is this the life you would choose for DD? This is what you are modelling for her. Maybe short term disruption is worth the long term outcome of teaching her not to put up with a selfish man?

If he's working from home, he's working. Yes he can be around in an evening but during the day, working.

Yeah, I’m aware, thanks. I can’t not be.

But does he get up with the children in the morning or help me with bath and bed at the end of the day, cook dinner for them, do anything at all? No, afraid not. He takes DD to school and picks her up Friday. That’s it.

Aside from that, this is the coalface. This is as worse as it ever gets. Age 3 and 5 literally broke me. It gets so much easier after that

Three and one was much worse actually, but that’s my point in a way. I need to survive this year and then hopefully have some time beck for me. But I can’t realistically rely on DH to help. That’s where I’m being as pragmatic as I can.

Some parents are better with older kids than younger kids. He might improve. That will only happen if you make him. Make a list and split the jobs.

Which creates more work for me. I can make lists all I like but he won’t do them; I can tell you that now. Besides, a lot of the time it isn’t even things you can list, it’s responding to situations as they arise. Yesterday morning for instance I was in the shower and one of the children started screaming. I had to tell him to get out of bed to deal with it and I had to repeat myself several times.

Where you can, pay for outside help. It will make you less frustrated. If he asks why, tell him it's because he doesn't do his equal share

This misses the point, unless outside help is a nanny or housekeeper which isn’t realistic financially.

I guess the question is would you be happy with only seeing the kids 50% of the time. Probably not. I'd stay

He wouldn’t have them 50% of the time; you’ve misunderstood my thread. He would probably have them at weekends but alternate ones so one weekend DD and one DS, he wouldn’t have them together.

My whole point is that I’ll stay because I need his money to stay working part time.

In my circumstances yes. I would say it’s more sensible to stay than leave and grind yourself down to a shred.