To stay in my marriage for money

[nothingcancompare]

I’m aware that that’s an inflammatory thread title bur u guess that is what it boils down to. So to give a bit more detail.

DH and I have two children ; DD is 5 and in reception and our ds is nearly three. I work two and a half days a week, and it’s in a school so off for school holidays.

Before we had children I thought we’d roughly be equal parents. This has not been thr case at all. DH definitely sees anything he does do with the children as a sort of optional extra rather than what has to be done, and everything is left to me. I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

As a result the children just gravitate more and more to me. Even if he does do something he just creates more work for me, so if I go out for a couple of hours the house is trashed when I get back, he doesn’t cook for them

Obviously I’ve tried to address it with him, he just goes on the defensive and hones in on a particular occasion (yeah well they started fighting so …) or just whines generally which I hate and is difficult to answer. So now five and a half years down the line I do have to accept this is how things are.

I don’t get a break at all. I get up when the children do, tend to then through the day and night in one case and am responsible for their diet, activities and getting them to said activities and everything. Seven days a week, it’s relentless and I’m already dreading the long school holidays.

So here is where the title is relevant. Truthfully I’ve lost a lot of respect for DH and I’ve come to realise that while he’s basically a kind man he’s also selfish and lazy.

Ending the marriage is one possibility but I’m not sure when I think about it that it would help anything. Yes, I wouldn’t have resentment but the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.

I know it’s awful and I don’t consider myself a mercenary person but I have to also think about what’s realistic in terms of my mental health and family stability

Are there other household things he sorts? Cleaning, insurnace, cars, etc? Is he doing anything for the family unit?

Can you start small?
If he cannot handle both kids then maybe he can manage one at eg swimming, where it’s his job to ensure there is kit, snacks etc.
it’s also his job to do cartoon time, again an hour on a Sunday with snacks, blankets whatever so you can have a bath in peace.

I do think staying sounds pragmatic but it’s evidently wearing you down so any small change, even if it’s not perfect and even if you sound like a broken record saying ‘figure it out’ has to offer some chance of improvement?

You clearly have relationship and shared parenting issues, but you work part time during term time only, whereas he works full time year round.

Presumably this decision was made on the basis that you would be the main carer, while he was the main earner. As a result, on the 138 working days when he works and you don’t (based on him getting 5 weeks holiday and 2 days every weekend) the plan was for you to be in charge of the children. That set up tends to result in small children gravitating to the main carer for comfort or anything practical when both parents are around. But it shifts as they get older. Your children are still very young.

Why did you have TWO children when you seem to resent being with them!!!

You're so burnt out that you're thinking only in the short term.
Your priority now is to have some time to yourself.
But you've lost respect for your husband and IME this will make things unworkable and intolerable in the future.
What affect will it have on your children ?
They will go on to have greater emotional needs than they do at present - exams , friendships, romantic relationships.
Their father will be absent and their parents resenting eachother.
At the moment they are very young ,splitting will cause upheaval but it will pass .
Have you thought what things will look like in 20 years?

Well if you were divorced he wouldn’t have any choice to use you as a cheaper alternative

there are always options. Funny how working women seem to find them but working men just struggle so much….

I don't really buy the "it's ok because he might step up once they're teens and it's all much easier" stuff. That doesn't help OP now and it means he's still lazy and disengaged and doesn't give a shit about his wife or his family - he needs repeated instructions to go to them when they're screaming? Besides, teens aren't always easier; they can get some complex and time consuming needs at that age.

He's happy to use OP as a nannybot so I don't think she's doing anything wrong using him as the coin dispenser, especially if she will start to get a break soon. My concern here is that with a non relationship that sits on resentment, transaction and no love or affection, they're both going to be primed for seeking the latter two elsewhere, and that could spell the end of the marriage even if one person wants to stay in it. As the selfish one who's ditched everything at home, he's more likely to do it, so OP, be covered in case the marriage does end anyway.

I wonder that myself frequently but it isn’t very helpful.

I do resent never ever having any time for me at all, that’s the crux of it. For years now I haven’t been able to have a lie in, haven’t been able to do my own thing or develop my interests or do anything without two little children with me. I don’t resent them but the things I used to enjoy doing aren’t enjoyable with them, so I can’t do them.

Meanwhile DH can and does.

It’s true I work part time. I’ll repeat, I’m not sitting around with my feet up in school holidays or my days off.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Why not take the kids to your parents or even his parents over the summer holiday without dh as you might enjoy some of the time “off”.

My ds is now 7 and honestly these are the golden years from 6 upwards - he’s affectionate, cheeky, playful, curious, able to entertain/dress/shower himself and get his own breakfast.

My dh is a fabulous dad and home maker, he works full time in four different cities each week, with one day wfh. And currently he and ds are training for a 15 mile bikeathon and he has taught ds how to mow the lawn so that’s our ds’s new chore (he earns £1 each time!). My dh is living proof that men can load washing machines unprompted and figure out what a fronted adverbial is when faced with SpaG homework.

At some point you will realise with some sadness I expect that your dh has missed out on the hard work to build a strong relationship in the early years. And then it will be you who reaps the emotional benefit of all that love and care you have poured into them. You will feel the pride in their successes, you’ll soothe their hurt feelings and support them through homework misery. You’ll teach them to cook and ride a bike and pack a suitcase for their first school trip.

And he’ll have …. A lifetime of commuting and missed opportunities.

It sucks right now as it’s hard work but you are the winner here OP

Dead @Cioccoholic

He may get better as they get older but the point is I need the help now, not in three years’ time!

Your children won’t stay little for long and once your younger one is in school you will have more time for yourself.

I assume you wanted children, and part of that is putting them first when they are young.

Please ignore the idiots saying you resent your children. I don't know their motivation for saying it but they are not worth responding to.

Are you able to read the posts?

You don't seem to be understanding what's being discussed. It would be good if you could read what the OP has said so your responses are more relevant.

I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

so what are you doing about it. Are you allowing / encouraging him to do it himself and be responsible and engaged parent nor are you doing it all.

if for example he does the school run just be out… go to a 7.30am spin class and let him get on with it without someone supervising it. At the end of the day we’ve all forgotten to pack a hat or water bottle for school once in our lives. But is he’s got someone over his shoulder saying ‘have you remembered the water bottle’ he’s not going to feel he’s responsible for anything so he’s not going step up. Makes sure he gets all the school comms himself not through you. Set him up to sucseed

you don’t have to prep everything. You’re choosing to because you think it’s easier. But that’s a short term view. Longer term it’s easier to get him engaged. And better for your daughter to have an engaged dad as a role model. Do it for her if not yourself.

that said because you work part time and term time only you still need to be the default parent

What a miserable life you will have and so will your children.

I don't understand how you have no time to yourself. You have a 5 year old and a nearly 3 year old. If they are in bed at 7 then you can do a gym class at 8.

You work very part time, you seem to just be complaining about parenting. Alot of us work 5 days a week and still have to do all the nights, weekends and days off you are compalining about.

If your husband is a waster then walk away but you don't want that. You want the benefit of part time working but not the responsibility of parenting.

She does work and he doesn't do anything, mate!

Bear in mind that if you stay so you can work part-time, you may not get to keep making this choice as one day he may leave you, and you will be the one with less money, work experience and pension.

I think once you have lost respect for your partner, its almost impossible to come back from that.

I’m not sure what you don’t understand @RubyHiker , sorry.

They are not in bed at 7. The three year old is; the five year old is more like 8. Since I always do solo bedtimes I can’t be in two places at once.

Since the three year old still wakes in the night and is up at 6, I am pretty tired and since I teach three days a week I have lesson prep, marking etc at home, so I have a maximum of two hours ‘to myself’ in the evening (if I’m in bed after 10 I feel it the next day.)

I am complaining when the other part to this partnership gets every evening and weekend to himself, yes. That’s fairly reasonable.

Yes, quite capable!! When you decide to have children you need to put them first. Her husband is working long hours, he doesn’t get to work part time. If she left her husband, it sounds like he won’t want them that much so she needs to do the best she can for her children. Life isn’t fair!!

I don’t really care about that; it’s outside of my control. He won’t leave though.

I thought about this.

Or that he'll want Op to up her hours when they are both at school.

I would stick it out until they're at school, and get a cleaner. Also consider putting them in an after school club once a week and have some time just the two of you either doing some jobs round the house together/cooking together etc.
Writing lists and trying to split jobs just doesn't work once the habit is formed and you are basically doing everything.
It is very difficult to go back once habits are created, you are in tricky ages, but as they get older I'd hope he becomes more hands on. Even with dropping them places etc.
Have an honest conversation about this, he might encourage getting some paid help in to keep your marriage!