To stay in my marriage for money

[nothingcancompare]

I’m aware that that’s an inflammatory thread title bur u guess that is what it boils down to. So to give a bit more detail.

DH and I have two children ; DD is 5 and in reception and our ds is nearly three. I work two and a half days a week, and it’s in a school so off for school holidays.

Before we had children I thought we’d roughly be equal parents. This has not been thr case at all. DH definitely sees anything he does do with the children as a sort of optional extra rather than what has to be done, and everything is left to me. I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

As a result the children just gravitate more and more to me. Even if he does do something he just creates more work for me, so if I go out for a couple of hours the house is trashed when I get back, he doesn’t cook for them

Obviously I’ve tried to address it with him, he just goes on the defensive and hones in on a particular occasion (yeah well they started fighting so …) or just whines generally which I hate and is difficult to answer. So now five and a half years down the line I do have to accept this is how things are.

I don’t get a break at all. I get up when the children do, tend to then through the day and night in one case and am responsible for their diet, activities and getting them to said activities and everything. Seven days a week, it’s relentless and I’m already dreading the long school holidays.

So here is where the title is relevant. Truthfully I’ve lost a lot of respect for DH and I’ve come to realise that while he’s basically a kind man he’s also selfish and lazy.

Ending the marriage is one possibility but I’m not sure when I think about it that it would help anything. Yes, I wouldn’t have resentment but the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.

I know it’s awful and I don’t consider myself a mercenary person but I have to also think about what’s realistic in terms of my mental health and family stability

I don’t think this. I think if the woman wants two kids it makes sense just to have them with the same partner, even he turns out to be useless and the relationship will eventually end. Is it any better to let go of the dream or more than one child or have children with more than one man? You are already tied to the father no 1 anyway.

This is absolutely the worst time with kids EVEN with a partner who pulls their weight. It's just a sodding hamster wheel where you spend quite a bit of time fantasising about a forced hospital stay.

I wouldn't judge you for staying another year to get your ducks in a row no. There are large numbers of women doing just that all over MN whether because of DV, no financial option/no job, or other reasons like health.

Otherwise:

1. Have you considered marriage counselling. Does he know that you are at the end of your rope emotionally and your marriage is fast heading into irretrievable territory.
2. Fathers Day is coming. Suggest a passive aggressive, how to parent book 😀 How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
3. Does he do social media? Maybe borrow his phone and hook him up to following some useful people.
4. How are the family finances generally? Can you keep your 2yo in daycare during the school holidays? Even for a couple of weeks? Can you put your older one into camp for a few hours? If it's the case that "your money" is basically covering childcare and expenses then I think it is time to simply state that you need to take some joint funds and pay for a sitter.

I've seen a number of teachers on here hitting burn out by end of term. If you are looking at 6-8 weeks of childcare including when you go on "holiday" then I do think it would be sensible to say you need some proper time to yourself.

How can she be exhausted when she only works part time and has one child in school? We live in a society where we have mod cons so no back breaking work to do the daily chores. Mothers in the past had it a lot harder but just got on with it!!!

This is more common than you think OP.
There have been some helpful suggestions on here.
As others have said, financial security is very important but that shouldn't be the only reason you are together.
Please try and engage with him to work on a way forward. Otherwise, u will become increasingly resentful and unhappy.
Caring for children 24/7 is exhausting and relentless and you have every right to expect support from your husband.

Exactly - it’ll be the first thing out of his mouth

I think lots of women do this, it sounds hardwork because you’re managing everything him and them

but could you lower your expectations when he has them, like leave them for longer such as all day and get oven pizzas for them to eat, and not worry about the mess. Then enjoy your days off when he’s at work and they’re both at school. It sometimes balances out in the end with you doing more now but doing less later when they’re both at school in the future.

maybe he just needs more practice and less criticism.

Harsh and insensitive post that completely misses the point

For me, this is one of the most realistic replies on here. I’ve been in a similar position to you OP. I think it could be salvageable for you if you take some of these steps. Outsource as much as you can, and get to the youngest being in reception when you will finally get time for yourself. The pp is right that you are at THE hardest stage / ages and it WILL get easier.

Keep talking to your DH and maybe read the book Fair Play which we found helpful. My husband didn’t realise the extent of all the jobs I managed until we did the activity in that book. Since that day nearly 10 years ago he has “project managed” the bins, recycling and dishwasher in their entirety. It doesn’t sound like much, and there is way more he could do but it’s something I never have to think about.

if you think the relationship has potential then I personally would choose to stick it out but with work. Consider couples counselling as a way to understand your dynamic as a duo and how to get better together.

For me splitting up our family and putting my DC through that would be an absolute last resort and something I would consider in the case of abuse (previously something I’ve experienced in past relationships) or something like that. The dynamic you’ve described sounds unfortunate but not uncommon and can be worked on assuming your DH isn’t a tyrant or an abusive bully.

I know plenty on posters will say things like “raise your standards” etc but realistically you are where you are and I think you can find a whole host of things to make life feel easier in the main without throwing a grenade into your family’s lives.

So sorry you are in this situation.
The fact you think he would refuse to have the children on the same say speak volumes but im curious, do you think he really wouldn't care how it looks to other people, does he not have family or friends who he'd be worried would think he was a crap dad? I only ask because a lot of men seem to want to do fuck all when they are married but suddenly out of nowhere want to be seen as father of the year when the marriage breaks down and given how many men shout loudly but then dont actually want to do the childcare, that appears to be driven by how it looks to others. I know it doesn't change things for you, but im just curious if you think he still wont have any sense of shame about not bothering.

How can you be so sure he won't leave? He doesn't love you, you resent him (with good reason), and he's not interested in being a decent parent to his children.
You and your children deserve better OP.

I guess the knottiest question is whether you can continue to sleep with him whilst he treats you like an underpaid domestic servant and you've lost all respect for him. If not then he will end up leaving on his own terms anyway.

I know I would find it hard to sleep with him for money, which is effectively what you would have to do to keep the marriage.

I also wouldn't count on him not expecting you back in fulltime (fully flexible of course so you can still do all child holiday and sick days) employment once the little one is in primary school. Else he will probably protest (ironically) that you aren't pulling your weight...

Plenty of fathers disappear from their child's life when the parents separate. If he doesn't want to see them every other weekend and a couple of evenings a week the mother can't make him.

I think its fine to keep the status quo. It won't work for ever because you've lost respect for him and over the years that'll eat away at you

But do it for now. Do it for 5 years and review after that

I'd also start sqirrelling away a leaving fund that he doesn't know about

YANBU to separate (if that is what you decide to do) at a time that is right for you. Your husband only has himself to blame really as is not being fair to you.

Money is very important and you have to plan things so that you will be able to manage practically and financially if you do split up.

Have you checked how much child maintenance you would get if you broke up/benefits. Maybe you won’t have to go back to work full time?

Join the gym, book a day out to yourself, meet up with friends, go for a walk by yourself - start doing these things don’t don’t let the reason of ‘the house will be trashed’ stop you. If you come home and it’s trashed then ask him to tidy it, if he reuses, leave it also.

I know you can’t stop doing everything in the event it doesn’t get done at all, but he knows you will do everything.

Are you in a position where you could pay to put your little one in nursery for a few hours a week?

doesn’t help the husband issue but helps you, he is selfish.

I agree with the pps who have suggested marriage counselling. It seems like it would at least be worth a try before you settle for either single parenthood or staying in a marriage thats's making you miserable.

What would his reaction be if you told him you were genuinely at the end of your rope? He might shrug and wave goodbye, which would tell you everything you need to know, or he might get a real wakeup call.

I don't think it's quite as blunt as 'staying for the money' it's more that you have peaceful stability and security - financially and in terms of your domestic set up, schools and your own part-time employment. That is worth a lot.

You also have some light at the end of a 15month tunnel in September 2027 when you have a couple of days with time and space for yourself. Once you have that do you think the current resentment will subside, or do you think it will make it simply make your feelings more manageable?

I see my best friend (who was in a similar situation to you but chose to end the marriage because her exh was also unkind to her). She is of necessity back to working full time, with a never ending worry about her job security and financial security. For the first year her ex had the kids on a Sunday when she was working, then once he had a new partner he demanded every other weekend. The outcome is that she has all the stress of school and everyday life 12 nights out of 14. All the financial worry on her own. She has kids who are stressed by the eow with Dad and his wife and who return home on Sundays upset and disregulated.

You don't say much about your relationship with your husband. Do you love each other? Do you maintain a sexual relationship? Are you equal in that respect? Are you equal in decision making over financial issues, holidays etc?

You don't say much about your finances (beyond not being able to afford a nanny / housekeeper). Do you have a comfortable buffer, savings etc? Once both dc are at school will you husband have any expectation that you returnto full time work anyway - either to take the financial burden off him, or to add to your potential to save, or move house, or afford more expensive holidays etc?

There's always one that spectacularly misses the point! Fuck me, Op doesn't begrudge looking after her children, she begrudges doing ALL of it alone, whilst her husband. the other parent does little to nothing, or makes even more work for her. Some people just put the boot in for no reason, don't they?

Well, yes, you have it really good at the moment, I don't see why you would leave.

You get several days off work with just one toddler. Someone else pays all the bills and keeps a roof over your heads while you get to opt out of full time work.

The fact you clearly hate it and find it hard work, is a you problem. I'm currently at home full time with a 2 year old and I find it a doddle. Genuinely, I don't understand your issue.

Given you only work 2 days a week, you should be doing the vast majority at home anyway, what's the issue?

Maybe motherhood wasn't for you and you need to just ride out these early years, which are physically hard.

Or just put the toddler in nursery and work full time.

I was in a similar situation 12 years ago, slightly older kids.
I decided to end the marriage and quiet honestly I look back and regret it all the time.
My life did not get better, I’m financially screwed and facing a miserable future. I didn’t get much free time as he hardly had the kids. Ive never so much as had 1 date with another man let alone a relationship.
the grass isn’t always greener…

In your position I would stay in the marriage. You will be in a worse position if you split up. You've said yourself, that your husband wouldn't want a 50/50 split and he wouldn't have both children together EOW. Essentially, he's lazy/selfish and because he works long hours, isn't home much. When he is home, he views that as 'his time', and doesn't see why he needs to be involved with his children.

You would be better off biding your time. Once the children are both in school, that will be easier. You are likely able to take some time for yourself. As the children become older, more independent, then you could look at the situation again.

Okay, the money is one side of things. But how would you deal with it emotionally?

You say you’ve lost all respect for your husband… if I had to sleep with a man like this my skin would crawl. The resentment that would be building when I saw him around the house doing nothing would eat away at me and affect my mental health so badly. Can you deal with these feelings? With this man you have no respect for wanting to touch you, have sex with you?

I couldn’t, it’s why I chose to leave. It was hard for a few years, but I focused on my career and I am so much happier not having a useless, lazy man around creating more work for me.

I don't think you are BU at all.
You are doing what you have to to get by.
My only query, given the circumstances you outline, are you 100% certain he's not going to expect you to work more when dc both get to school age?
Is he likely to withhold money for example ...

Even though you'd have the same workload and responsibilities it feels easier when you're not watching your husband take the p out of you. I had so much resentment it killed our relationship. Watching my ex sit down while I did everything showed me how little he thought of me. I increased my hours and am better alone.