To stay in my marriage for money

[nothingcancompare]

I’m aware that that’s an inflammatory thread title bur u guess that is what it boils down to. So to give a bit more detail.

DH and I have two children ; DD is 5 and in reception and our ds is nearly three. I work two and a half days a week, and it’s in a school so off for school holidays.

Before we had children I thought we’d roughly be equal parents. This has not been thr case at all. DH definitely sees anything he does do with the children as a sort of optional extra rather than what has to be done, and everything is left to me. I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

As a result the children just gravitate more and more to me. Even if he does do something he just creates more work for me, so if I go out for a couple of hours the house is trashed when I get back, he doesn’t cook for them

Obviously I’ve tried to address it with him, he just goes on the defensive and hones in on a particular occasion (yeah well they started fighting so …) or just whines generally which I hate and is difficult to answer. So now five and a half years down the line I do have to accept this is how things are.

I don’t get a break at all. I get up when the children do, tend to then through the day and night in one case and am responsible for their diet, activities and getting them to said activities and everything. Seven days a week, it’s relentless and I’m already dreading the long school holidays.

So here is where the title is relevant. Truthfully I’ve lost a lot of respect for DH and I’ve come to realise that while he’s basically a kind man he’s also selfish and lazy.

Ending the marriage is one possibility but I’m not sure when I think about it that it would help anything. Yes, I wouldn’t have resentment but the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.

I know it’s awful and I don’t consider myself a mercenary person but I have to also think about what’s realistic in terms of my mental health and family stability

I agree with this, in a broad sense. He is selfish and lazy but he isn’t spiteful or cruel. I know some will argue his behaviour is a form of cruelty but I do consider there to be a difference.

OP I think the person was trying to point out the obvious. financially you could honestly be screwed for decades if your DH pays the bills and you only work pt. I’m not criticising it’s just good to think long term.

I don’t think that’s ok no. But you’re not getting help from DH and I know similar mothers who do what you do with same age kids and who work full time/compressed hours.

If someone you (supposedly) love comes to you and says 'I'm drowing, please save me,' and you flat out say no to them, that is actively and maliciously cruel.

Why would he need to leave his job? He just needs to pay for childcare

i’m a single parent who is out of the house 7am- 6.45pm, I pay for childcare.

I think you should read him the bloody riot act. He doesn’t sound like a parent at all and I would be telling him this. Did he want kids?

I was in a terrible violent relationship for a decade as a teen. There’s a huge difference so some things I would tolerate. Sometimes (if there’s no danger to life as there was for me) if you don’t know what to do in life the answer is to just carry on as you are so just don’t do anything.

I’ve had to do this at various points in my life for various reasons , one being at the moment. It gives you time to see how things turn out and to plan or consider what would be the best.

Consider the money as payment for all the things he DOESN’T do.
Selfish, lazy man.
I would be putting money aside for when you eventually leave and in the meantime look at how you can build your career to be independent of him.

I am trying to stay patient but this is literally my whole point. If we split, I’d have to work full time. This would mean five days a week work, two days kids, work work work, holidays with kids, no break.

If I stay in a year I’ll have two days a week in term time ‘break.’ So that seems worth staying to me.

Don't some people understand this is the whole point of the thread?

Overnight too? And from half six in the morning?

Nah, cheaper to have me do it isn’t it? 😂

Exactly so I would continue for the next year. You will then get some much needed time alone. Time to think things through and make considered decisions.

As I said, if you split he will have both DC every other weekend, so you will have a break every other weekend.
I don't believe a court would let him just take one each weekend.

But I think you are right to delay the divorce until they are a few years older.

How does this help the OP? And “irregardless” isn’t a word

No, he won’t do that.

If you were divorced you’d have a break at least every other weekend plus likely some evenings when he is looking after the children? Why do you think you won’t get this?

You need to sit him down, when the kids have gone to bed, and tell him this. Show him this thread if need be. Tell him you are so stressed and unhappy that you’re thinking of ending the marriage. I bet he’s totally oblivious. He needs to get the message rammed home to him that he needs to do more.

He might if they were both older and easier.
But if you are sure that he wouldn't, then yes, you are correct that as a single parent with no father on the scene, you would have them 100% of the time with no break.
Especially as Universal Credit will expect you to get a job and childcare.

However, do beware that he may expect you to get a job when they are both in school, so you still won't get a break even if you stay together.

“Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.” Blimey how have we full time working mums coped?! You get childcare of course! Holiday clubs, family, like a lot of women do particularly single mums. No of course you don’t stay with someone purely for the money

If you are considering leaving now...when your kids are so young and and DH should be in the trenches together and working as a team....trust me if you are still around when they are leaving school and off to uni you will definitely be leaving then.

You need to position yourself to be able to leave - don't spend your whole working life in a low paid part time job. Build your career, have your own bank account, pay into your own pension, stay in touch with family finances, maintain some independence in the way of hobbies and friendships so that you have paved the way to leaving. Don't become financially trapped in an unhappy marriage with a man that doesn't value you (these are the men that wonder off with younger childless women later in life).
Stay for now if it serves you and the children...but have a plan.

Do what works best for you and your DC. Maybe having it in mind that he is funding you being able to work part time will ease that resentment.

What an awful comment. No help either. That’s the OP’s beloved children you are talking about.

You still have a much easier time. You work part time, one child in school. Your husband works long hours and has the financial responsibility. When you’re at home you can structure your day how you like. You are your own boss!!!

Because I know my husband! He has had both children at once solo twice. Twice, in nearly three years. No way will he have them both every other weekend. Absolutely no way.

It doesn’t matter what the courts say. If he announces he can’t have DD or can’t have DS what do you do!?

I can sit him down all I like. It will change nothing. Would appreciate it if others wouldn’t imply it’s my poor communication that’s the issue here.

Stick it out OP for now at least , save some money , think about how you might increase your wealth ( not necessarily employed income ) once the kids are older .

Many men are a lot better at parenting older DC so it may improve . Relationships do have ups and downs . If it doesn’t improve though - please remember that you only get one chance at life - suddenly you will be 20 years older - don’t leave yourself in the place where you look back with regrets.

OP I would try and talk to DH again, but put the emphasis on what you need rather than what he's not doing.

For example, saying something like 'can we agree that Sunday morning you get up with the kids and I'll have a long lie and Saturday is vice versa'. And 'Can we agree 1 night a week you'll put the kids to bed so I can have a long soak in the bath, or go for a walk with a friend'.

So building in a couple of small requests that gives you a bit of personal time? If he outright refuses those simple requests I'd definitely be making an exit plan. But you might have more success with small reasonable changes that begins to address the parenting imbalance.