To want to move back to england with my 5 children

[tryingtogohome]

Hi sorry if this is all over the place

I live in Poland with my partner who is Polish and we have 5 boys 15 11 5 3 and 10 months and im pregnant again 25 weeks

I keep thinking about leaving him and going back to England but then i think im being stupid because ive been here so long and dont even know where id start anymore.

I dont really have anybody. No family. I grew up in care and havent spoken to anyone from my past for years and years.

Things have got worse between me and my partner. Hes always saying what a real man should be and boys shouldnt cry and things like that. My 15 year old argues with him constanly (constantly) now and the whole house feels tense all the time.

This is going to sound silly but i keep feeling like this baby is a girl and every time i say it he gets annoyed. Not shouting just annoyed and says he doesnt want a daughter and what would he do with a girl and says hopefully im wrong. Maybe im overreacting but it upsets me more than it should.

I dont know if its hormones.

I keep looking at Doncaster and Rotherham and Sheffield on my phone when everyone is asleep and then crying because i dont even know if my children could go to school there after living here all this time or where we would live.

I know people will say leave if youre unhappy but it isnt that easy when youve got this many children and no money and nowhere to go.

Am i being unreasonable wanting to go back to England or does this sound completly mad after 11 years away

I do speak Polish, not perfectly but enough for day to day things and appointments and schools etc. I didnt when i first came here but i do now.

I dont really have any friends though. I had a couple years ago but not anymore. Everyone sort of drifted away and i dont really go anywhere without the children now.
All of the children are his. They were all born in England apart from the baby who is 10 months. He came early at 31 weeks and was in hospital for a while and thats part of whats panicing me this time because im pregnant again and keep worrying the same thing will happen.

I dont know about passports off the top of my head because my head is all over the place today. The older boys definitely have British passports. I think the younger ones do as well but I'd have to check.

Something happened yesterday that i cant stop thinking about. I went out with the baby and when i got back my partner had shaved my 3 year olds hair off. He had lovely little curls and now half his head is basically shaved. He said it was only hair and he was messing about but my little boy was crying and didnt want anyone looking at him.

Maybe that sounds stupid compared to bigger problems but it really upset me. Hes only 3.

OP, why are you so evasive when answering simple questions? I’d love to help. I have a close family member who is a social worker in Poland, and another who works in a police department specialising in domestic abuse.

I asked what your status is: are you a resident or a citizen? Are you married or just cohabiting? Who receives the Polish equivalent of Child Benefit? Do you drive? What are your housing arrangements? Do you live in a large city or a more rural area? (It’s often much harder to make friends in rural areas because people can be quite cliquey.) Does your partner work?

For now, I’d focus on a few things:

Contraception.

Teach your son to “grey rock” his dad’s nasty comments and be less reactive. This will hopefully help reduce the tension at home. There are plenty of videos about this on YouTube.

Work on becoming fluent in Polish. I appreciate it’s a very difficult language, but even with young children, you could do some online or local tutoring. As a native English speaker, I’m sure you’d be very successful, and you could work hours that suit you. That could also provide some income of your own.

You don’t have to move countries to create a loving home for your children. All you need to do is separate from your abusive partner.

You would receive all child benefit payments, and he would have to pay child maintenance. Unlike in the UK, even if he doesn’t work (and it sounds like he doesn’t), he would still be expected to support his children financially. If he doesn’t pay, the state can pay on his behalf and then pursue the debt from him. If he continues not to pay, there can be serious legal consequences.

If you can answer my questions, I might be able to help you navigate this awful situation a bit more effectively.

Maybe PM her?

How are you feeling today OP? X

Im a bit fed up if im honest.

Some people have been really kind and helpful but some seem determined to read things that i havent actually said.

For example someone said i went back to England to give birth four times.

I didnt.

I went back twice

My oldest two were born before we moved to Poland.

I've already said that after my youngest i thought we were done

Completely done.

After the pregnancy, pre-eclampsia, emergency c section, premature baby and weeks of worrying about whether he was going to be okay i genuinely thought that was it

This baby wasnt planned.

People keep asking if my plan is to have another five children after this one and honestly i dont know whether to laugh or cry.

No obviously it isnt.

And yes my partner works.

A few people seem to have decided he sits around all day doing nothing

He doesnt.

He works

That doesnt mean everything else is fine.

As for contraception, i dont really know how many different ways i can explain this.

People keep talking as though i had loads of private opportunities to arrange things.

My partner was with me pretty much the whole time when i was in hospital having the babies

Im not saying nobody could ever arrange contraception in that situation.

Im saying it wasnt as simple as some people are making out.

I also dont really understand why some posters seem far more interested in interrogating me about contraception than they are about the actual situation im describing.

To the poster who asked how im feeling, thank you.
Honestly not great.

A bit overwhelmed.

A bit embarrassed that i posted at all.

And a bit sad.

As for moving somewhere else in Europe, no.

If i was leaving i wouldnt want to move to another random country.

The reason i keep talking about England is because thats home.

The children have family there.

They have an uncle and auntie there.

They have cousins there.

In other countries they dont have that.

People keep acting like England and Poland are just two dots on a map and i should simply choose whichever one is most practical

Its not really like that.

One of those places is where i grew up and where my children still have family connections.

The other thing i wanted to say is that i know some people think im romanticising England.

Im not.

I know there are problems

I know housing is difficult

I know money is tight

I know there is crime.

But when people talk about my eldest as though hes halfway to becoming a criminal because hes angry and got caught shoplifting once it honestly upsets me.

Hes a good kid.

A difficult kid sometimes.

A frustrating kid definitely.

But a good kid.

And i think a lot of his anger comes from what hes dealing with at home

Anyway sorry this is long again.

I should probably stop reading some of the more hostile replies because they're just making me feel worse.

I have't read the whole thread but one thing you can do immediately (without telling anyone) is get yourself on the pill or have the coil. Don't have any more children with this man please.

Have a quick google on the accessibility of contraception in Poland.

it ranks the lowest in Europe.

So it’s not as simple and straightforward as you make it sound.

True. And the idea of “immediate” for the coil is also a fantasy. Last year I enquired about it from my GP in January, had to wait two weeks for a call back to discuss, then another two months for a fitting appointment. It is not immediate.

OP- I am sorry you are feeling overwhelmed by some of these responses. You are the only one who knows the true situation regarding your life, so I agree with you to ignore comments from people if they are not helpful.

If you haven’t already, please think about using the services you have been signposted to for free legal advice. See what the experts say and hold your head up high! Being a care leaver is extremely tough and, even those of us who have had a relatively easy start to life, make decisions and then change our minds about them. It’s not a crime! It doesn’t matter if your husband is abusive or not; you can leave someone for whatever reason you want. Find out what options you have by speaking to legitimate sources of knowledge and stay off here if it is upsetting you.

Just in case you didn’t see these previously-
Rights of Women (rightsofwomen.org.uk) offer free specialist legal advice to women, or the International Family Law Group (iflg.uk.com) who deal specifically with cross-border situations like yours. Reunite International (reunite.org, 0116 2556 234) also support parents in international family situations and can point you in the right direction. Don’t argue the ins and outs of your life with people on here. Contact them and see what they say.

Good luck with it all x

People keep asking if my plan is to have another five children after this one and honestly i dont know whether to laugh or cry.
No obviously it isnt.

How will you prevent that if you won't use contraception?

Do you understand that it's not that easy?
Other posters are telling you access to contraception in Poland isn't easy.

Do you understand she is in an abusive relationship?

Do you understand he is controlling her?

And controlling the contraception?

Op those sound like good options to try.

Good luck i really hope you are able to reach out for help.

Yes. Which is why I am asking her how she is going to prevent future pregnancies.

Clearly she needs to leave the relationship before she is pregnant for the 7th time.

I would be surprised if this is a decision that is within your gift to make. I know a German lady who is stuck in the UK because she married a British man and their child wasn't given permission to leave.

He sounds awful. I'm so sorry.

Faster gettshes in the UK to pop out these kids During the immediate time after birth she can explain the situation to the medical staff and also tell them about her husbands controlling efforts. You can even get implant fitted right after birth.

Unless she's just rocking up to the hospital with no antenatal appointments at all then she also gets to see a professional beforehand.

When my DD had an antetenal appointment with the last child they were definitely pretty hot on domestic abuse, she was questioned about it from half a different angles. I think it started as she had a bit of a black eye but there was plenty of opportunities to mention if there had been an issue

That depends if you have someone hovering around not giving you the opportunity to speak.
Remember lots of maternity units encourage Dads to stay (partly because units are under-staffed and no other ward expects a patient to care for another human).

They might not be able to fit a coil or start her on the implant as soon as she's given birth either.

Ultimately she needs to get away from her abuser.

You can have an implant fitted And where's these other kids while she's giving birth then? The mw did tell my DDs husband to wait outside while she questioned her on DV. ( Shed actually been headbutted - but by a tantrumming 2 year old)

I assume the MIL or BIL has them remember he has family in England.

Something tells me he's not going to be the Dad running back and forward trying to make sure the other kids a ok.

Remember he was banging on about sex while she had just given birth and had a baby in NICU.

He's a complete abuser, and she needs to figure out how to get away from him.
Making calls while he's at work if necessary.

But the other poster is correct she also needs to be aware of her migration status. The last thing she wants is to find out if she divorces she has no right to remain in Poland but can't take the kids either.

She needs to use the links shes been given and get help to get away. One step at a time.

Yes - I know several in this situation and one that managed to negotiate a return to her home country but probably only because her ex-h's job made regular childcare exceptionally difficult and her dad was wealthy enough to pay good lawyers.

She has to make some effort herself to get help though. And even slipping a note to healthcare staff would be a start. The man has to go to the toilet at some point.

Won't get anywhere being so passive.

Exactly!
My husband was with me during my appointments with the MW.
The MW followed me to the toilet and asked if there were any issues between us and whether he was abusive in any way.
OP, as expected, hasn’t answered the questions I asked, other than saying that the husband is apparently working. OP hasn’t PM’d me either.
I suspect there will be more kids after this one. 🫠 I’m beginning to wonder if this post is a wind-up.

I don't think its a windup.
I think she's just very down beaten. And probably wary of him catching on to her.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to have 5 kids and another on the way.

I bet he doesn't do much to help in the house either. I have the feeling Poland is still very traditional womans place is at home.

I also don't think it's a windup. I think OP has emotionally invested a lot into the dream of returning to the UK but as this thread has illustrated it's not that easy. I don't think OP is up for separating in Poland.

I think you might be right.
There have been many helpful posters here; it’s up to the OP what she will do with all the available help.

People keep writing that access to contraception is difficult in Poland, but it's really not. It's even easier than in the UK. If you have an internet connection, getting birth control is relatively straightforward. You can even use online e-prescription services. Abortion is difficult, but that's a different matter. It's not like she was desperately trying to get birth control and got turned away at the pharmacy door. It's not the country she's living in, OP has just taken the path of least resistance and this is where she's landed at.

Thing is, Poland has a massive state cash-transfer program for families, and it's not means-tested. With 5 (soon 6) kids they will be getting more than an average full-time take-home salary in benefits, it really is a lot of money, especially outside of the big cities. So the financial panic that often drives people to seek out birth control in other countries is heavily buffered by the Polish state. The state provides the monthly cash to help her keep going. She probably expects it to be similar in the UK.

At child number six, it isn't a case of a broken system trapping an innocent victim. It is a case of an individual choosing not to exert the agency required to change their circumstances.

OP, people (me included) have given you lots of advice and named countless organisations you could turn to. It's up to you to act now, and I for one doubt that you ever will.

I sincerely hope Op is able to reach out to the organisations that can help her.

It probably hasn't helped the number of people more interested in protecting the benefits bill (like one family is going to make a difference) rather than recognising that this is a young woman with a huge amount on her plate in an abusive relationship.

Op make that call when kids are in school.
You can make this happen.