To want to move back to england with my 5 children

[tryingtogohome]

Hi sorry if this is all over the place

I live in Poland with my partner who is Polish and we have 5 boys 15 11 5 3 and 10 months and im pregnant again 25 weeks

I keep thinking about leaving him and going back to England but then i think im being stupid because ive been here so long and dont even know where id start anymore.

I dont really have anybody. No family. I grew up in care and havent spoken to anyone from my past for years and years.

Things have got worse between me and my partner. Hes always saying what a real man should be and boys shouldnt cry and things like that. My 15 year old argues with him constanly (constantly) now and the whole house feels tense all the time.

This is going to sound silly but i keep feeling like this baby is a girl and every time i say it he gets annoyed. Not shouting just annoyed and says he doesnt want a daughter and what would he do with a girl and says hopefully im wrong. Maybe im overreacting but it upsets me more than it should.

I dont know if its hormones.

I keep looking at Doncaster and Rotherham and Sheffield on my phone when everyone is asleep and then crying because i dont even know if my children could go to school there after living here all this time or where we would live.

I know people will say leave if youre unhappy but it isnt that easy when youve got this many children and no money and nowhere to go.

Am i being unreasonable wanting to go back to England or does this sound completly mad after 11 years away

I do speak Polish, not perfectly but enough for day to day things and appointments and schools etc. I didnt when i first came here but i do now.

I dont really have any friends though. I had a couple years ago but not anymore. Everyone sort of drifted away and i dont really go anywhere without the children now.
All of the children are his. They were all born in England apart from the baby who is 10 months. He came early at 31 weeks and was in hospital for a while and thats part of whats panicing me this time because im pregnant again and keep worrying the same thing will happen.

I dont know about passports off the top of my head because my head is all over the place today. The older boys definitely have British passports. I think the younger ones do as well but I'd have to check.

Something happened yesterday that i cant stop thinking about. I went out with the baby and when i got back my partner had shaved my 3 year olds hair off. He had lovely little curls and now half his head is basically shaved. He said it was only hair and he was messing about but my little boy was crying and didnt want anyone looking at him.

Maybe that sounds stupid compared to bigger problems but it really upset me. Hes only 3.

She can move back to the UK without issue The children not necessarily so

And its fairly clear she isn't going to leave her boys with their abusive father. So no she can't return without legal agreement.

Someone has made a point that the oldest boy could get himself out the equation by applying to the UK military.

She needs to check the legal position though.

Can’t the older boy sign up for the Polish military? That would perhaps be one less issue.

Of course she needs to check her legal position.

But I also suspect what she has said is saying is barely the tip of the iceberg, I bet she doesn't have any real access to money to even get away from him.
There's a reason he doesn't want her getting a job.

She needs to firstly seek help from Polands equivalent of Womans Aid.

Op I hope you are able to a least reach out to them. Is he able to see what you are accessing on your phone?

I have been through similar whilst living abroad - it does not matter what passport your children have as they are habitually resident in Poland so you will need the father's permission to move back to England with children.

Poland and England are signatures to the Hague so the father can ask for the children to be returned back to their country of residence.

I think in Poland is criminal if you take the children without both parent's permission, and England too now with the new bill passed this year

Moving back to England isn't easy without support as you can not claim benefits due to having being abroad for more than 52 weeks in the last 3 years and you will be missing national insurance contributions.

Contact Global Arrk as they support mothers in this situation and sadly there are many mothers stuck abroad unable to get back to the safety of home
Globalarrk – Global Action on Relocation & Return with Kids

Op while you need to be sure you can take the kids legally (and all the practical stuff, passports tickets)

I do wonder if effectively being a care leaver would mean you'd be entitled to housing?
Or does that only apply as soon as you come out the care system 🤔

Councils probably won't even give you a straight answer until you rock up on their doorstep. But it might be worth looking into.

Given there isn’t the housing stock in any case it’s probably a moot point. Assuming she won’t leave her kids behind, I don’t think she can just rock up anyway.

I don’t think it counts so long after the person.has left the care system, given she has married, moved to a different country and had 5 and a bit children with her husband.

People are on waiting lists for years. She’s likely to get some scummy temporary accommodation for a while first. Why do you think asylum seekers are being housed in hotels. There’s no room. Just because she was born here doesn’t entitle her to a golden ticket.

Oh wow, so people would rather she stayed in this abusive relationship and watch her kids become the same than claim benefits (which are meant to support people in need anyway)?? OP sort out contraception though or it will only get harder with more kids.

Who has suggested she stays in the relationship?

They are pointing out that it’s not necessarily as easy as just grabbing the kids and going. And that she may not be entitled to benefits.

And that even if she is, the fact there are so many of them means that she’s likely to end up in a shitty B&B with all kinds of people. If you want to tell her otherwise then go ahead.

I know people mean well when they say join a group or make friends but it really isnt as easy as that.

I did have friends before.

Not loads but a few.

Over the years they sort of drifted away.
The biggest problem is i dont really go anywhere without the children and i never really go anywhere just because i want to.

If i leave the house its usually because one of the children needs something or theres an appointment or shopping.

I cant remember the last time i went somewhere just for me.

As for contraception, people keep talking as though its really simple.

It isnt always.

He used condoms.

I know people will probably say thats stupid.

After my youngest i was considering something longer term but he was with me pretty much the whole time after i gave birth and i never really got the opportunity to sort anything out privately.

Im not saying its all his fault because obviously it takes two people to make a baby.

I just dont think things are always as straightforward as people imagine.

And regarding my oldest, hes really not violent.

Some of the comments about crime and stabbings have upset me a bit if im honest.
Hes not a violent child.

Hes angry and mouthy and gets into trouble but thats not the same thing.

He spends far more time arguing than fighting.

Someone mentioned the military.
I dont think he'd want that at all.

Hes 16 in August though and i have wondered whether there might be some way he could study abroad for college.

One of my partners relatives in England might possibly have him.

I dont know.

My partner is obsessed with the idea of him studying law at university.

Absolutely obsessed with it.

So part of me wonders whether if it was presented as doing A levels related to that he might actually agree.

Then another part of me feels sick at the thought of sending him away.

Hes my child.

I know hes nearly 16 but hes still my child.
And despite all the arguing and attitude and swearing lately i know underneath it all hes actually quite vulnerable.

I worry about him a lot.

Probably more than i should.

I just feel like hes carrying around so much anger all the time and i dont think thats helping him at all.

Sorry im rambling again.

If he isn't letting you find an alternative means of contraception it is abuse. He probably put a pin in the condom. My dad was one ho wouldn't let my mum use anything hence the large number of children. It is his fault

People aren’t saying he is violent. They are saying that the UK is in the grip of knife crime. And vulnerable kids are more likely to be caught up in it.

Even if you could get benefits you are unlikely to be placed in a house because of the number of people. Certainly not in a decent area. So it’s a shitty council B&B potentially with drug users etc in a shitty area.

You won’t be in a position to work yourself and your family out of poverty,

It doesn’t take a massive stretch of the imagination to see how a teen who was already troubled but now has the disruption of fleeing to another country may just get involved with the wrong people. Kids from far more conventional backgrounds get caught up all the time.

Why would you choose that life for your kids if you don’t have to?

Presumably there are other countries in Europe you could go? Ones where it’s easier to find English speakers?

I understand why you are defending your son but are you taking on board the issues about just moving back? It’s not some kind of utopia. It’s expensive, full of crime, and you have no way to improve that currently.

I think studying in a different country might be a good idea for your son in any case.

What on earth? If you think she won’t get the support she needs in England as a British citizen you think she should just move to a completely different country? What magic country in the EU is English speaking country then? 😀 and has lots of social support to single mothers with 6 kids?

I think it would be incredibly hard for OP to make a living anywhere else in Europe. It doesn't sound like she has ever really worked and she has 6 dependants. She's not fleeing a war so to move from one EU country to another (assuming she has EU citizenship) without money or an income would be the worst idea. Unless the dad agrees to her taking the kids away, she is much better off staying in Poland, with out without being married.

Why can't you get the Pill or Contraceptive Implant OP?

No I am saying if she can’t get the support she needs in England (and she clearly doesn’t want to stay in Poland) she needs to seek it elsewhere. A poster up thread mentioned that whatever country she lived in had a similar kind of system for childcare costs etc.

She is not confident enough in speaking the language of the country in which she lives to be willing to give birth there. So she needs to live somewhere where enough English is spoken to make her feel comfortable.

I am AuDHD so sometimes things don’t come out right. However, deliberately misinterpreting my comments because you don’t like my opinion isn’t a good look.

At least you understand the issue about the amount of social support that would be needed for a woman and six kids though.

I agree that staying in Poland seems like the best option. Definitely a better idea than coming to the UK. She won’t be able to make a living here either because, even if she eventually got a job of some kind, it isn’t likely to be well paid and even if it was, she is unlikely to be able to afford childcare. Her son is vulnerable and could find himself mixed up in who knows what.

Again, blaming others for your actions.

You could have asked the midwife for contraception when you were in England.

What is your plan then, to have another 5 children after this one? When are you going to stop bringing children into your messed up life.

Universal credit often pays for nearly all childcare if she’s a low earner so she’ll be quids in there.

Op he is absolutely abusing and controlling you.
Its so obvious.
I sincerely hope you are able to get help to get away from him.

Does he even work?

So you could afford for all of you to stay at a B&B for a few weeks, during the Summer as all but one of the kids were born in July & August, plus pay for the plane tickets. You did that four times?

Does your partner earn enough to help you out if you split and live in Poland? Doesn’t seem like you’ll be able to move here unless he changes his mind.

Quids in!! Really??? Is this where our tax payers money is meant to support?