To want to move back to england with my 5 children

[tryingtogohome]

Hi sorry if this is all over the place

I live in Poland with my partner who is Polish and we have 5 boys 15 11 5 3 and 10 months and im pregnant again 25 weeks

I keep thinking about leaving him and going back to England but then i think im being stupid because ive been here so long and dont even know where id start anymore.

I dont really have anybody. No family. I grew up in care and havent spoken to anyone from my past for years and years.

Things have got worse between me and my partner. Hes always saying what a real man should be and boys shouldnt cry and things like that. My 15 year old argues with him constanly (constantly) now and the whole house feels tense all the time.

This is going to sound silly but i keep feeling like this baby is a girl and every time i say it he gets annoyed. Not shouting just annoyed and says he doesnt want a daughter and what would he do with a girl and says hopefully im wrong. Maybe im overreacting but it upsets me more than it should.

I dont know if its hormones.

I keep looking at Doncaster and Rotherham and Sheffield on my phone when everyone is asleep and then crying because i dont even know if my children could go to school there after living here all this time or where we would live.

I know people will say leave if youre unhappy but it isnt that easy when youve got this many children and no money and nowhere to go.

Am i being unreasonable wanting to go back to England or does this sound completly mad after 11 years away

I do speak Polish, not perfectly but enough for day to day things and appointments and schools etc. I didnt when i first came here but i do now.

I dont really have any friends though. I had a couple years ago but not anymore. Everyone sort of drifted away and i dont really go anywhere without the children now.
All of the children are his. They were all born in England apart from the baby who is 10 months. He came early at 31 weeks and was in hospital for a while and thats part of whats panicing me this time because im pregnant again and keep worrying the same thing will happen.

I dont know about passports off the top of my head because my head is all over the place today. The older boys definitely have British passports. I think the younger ones do as well but I'd have to check.

Something happened yesterday that i cant stop thinking about. I went out with the baby and when i got back my partner had shaved my 3 year olds hair off. He had lovely little curls and now half his head is basically shaved. He said it was only hair and he was messing about but my little boy was crying and didnt want anyone looking at him.

Maybe that sounds stupid compared to bigger problems but it really upset me. Hes only 3.

Have a go if you like but I have lived in the UK all my life, worked without a break since I was 17 and never claimed a penny of benefits.

Look up what is net contributor is. You still use all government services paid for by taxes even if you don’t get specific benefits. School for you, NHS, roads, etc etc etc
and will use the care system
you need to be making 50K a year to put into the system more than you take out on average

so most people should shut up about how much more deserving they are than those who seek benefits at some point in their lives. Their contributions may not be as big as they think

this girl has been an orphan and has been in care. To bash her of all people is disgusting

I did not say it was easy. First of all she can’t even move back without his permission so a job is long way away. I don’t have specific solutions and suggestions because it is a very complicated situation.

but I do take issue with people bashing OP here for the fact that she MAY need support if she ever gets here. Personally I pay my incredibly high tax contributions so that women like OP weren’t trapped and weren’t told to lie in the bed they made (which isn’t even their making given that OP was 18, vulnerable child out of care, before she was trapped by her controlling older husband). And that children are not hungry.

Being honest I can't see him being the type of man who will give you permission to take the children out of Poland.

She's been there over 15 years it seems. Surely that's time enough to make friends. She won't have friends in the uk

A crappy B&B isn't ideal but for Op its better than the alternative being stuck in Poland forever.

I sincerely hope she is able to get back and get support in the UK.

So why did you not use contraception? Implant or coil for example that he would have zero control over

I'm so sorry OP sending you wishes of strength, courage and care.
It must be very difficult to have these realisations while being pregnant and feeling so trapped.
Are you able to safely make connection with organisations that support women in your situation, online perhaps?
Perhaps you are able to get information about possible safety course of action or ways of planning for this you may start to feel that you have choices.
I'm appalled at the, quite frankly level of victim blaming and lack of compassion on this thread. The safety and wellbeing of you and your children is more important than anyone else's views.

She is British the children are British and this is what having welfare is for. I’d rather my taxes went to get her and her children out of an abusive situation then not.

OP you need to try to come back no matter what, you can rebuild here.

Long shot but would his family support you eith practical help to leave and come back over here? The children are their grandsons/nephews.

you sound like a person who asks a SA victim what she was wearing

FYI Poland has less access to contraceptives than the UK. Contraception is not free and some methods need to be paid for privately. Her husband is clearly controlling so he may not have allowed that or refused to pay.

before you ask abortions are severely restricted and female sterilisation for contraception is not permitted

OP has accessed UK healthcare throughout so I am surprised she wasn’t given the opportunity for contraception after each birth (or do they not advise on that now)

Only because she nipped over to the UK to give birth.

Is she even going to be entitled to anything?

I empathise, believe it or not, but coming somewhere with hella expensive childcare, public services in ruin, lack of housing etc isn’t necessarily the best option.

Add potential issues with kidnapping accusations and not finding school places etc and it’s not the easy option everyone seems to think.

She's in UK giving birth so could've sorted then. Not rocket science.

And someone SA me as a child. You don't have to have to label yourself as a " victim" you know

But OP could find herself and her children in a far worse situation if she comes back

They did a year ago when my youngest DGC was born. DD saying they'd barely cut the cord when they were asking about contraception

Maybe - she could get a good one but she could end up with drug/alcohol users etc.

OP you are so passive in your posts, blaming everyone else, not taking any responsibility for your own choices. You didn't have to keep on having children that you can't provide for.

You can't move back to the UK with the children, you just don't have the means to support them. You have no job, no accommodation and no right to remove them from their home country.

The life you are living now is the result of your own choices. Make better choices, make plans to stop having children, get a job and work hard to get yourself out of this relationship but not out of the country because you cannot, quite rightly, take 6 children to the UK without their father's permission.

Ive got a shock face at the female sterilisation.

Get that boy out of there. He can apply to the UK military at 15 & start at 16. He'll be safe & well looked after, many of us used the Army to escape "home" & it's a strategy that works really well. You can then start unraveling the rest of that mess 1 bit at a time.

Can you be a little more caring?

She was 18 and probably groomed by a much older man.
Passive because shes worn and down beaten
6 kids and no family or friends support.

I have lots of sympathy for the OP for sure. But sympathy won’t get her any practical support. She cannot remove polish children from Poland without their father’s permission. Highlighting they were all born here might actually get her in trouble unless they went private.

The children speak polish as their first language, have never lived in the UK and they have no family support here unless his family are prepared to help. It’s a heartbreaking situation for sure, but it’s much more helpful to signpost places for help instead of suggesting she can just pack up and move here. There must be something like women’s aid in Poland and they must have connections to legal support to work out what options there actually are.

The best suggestion I saw on here is to encourage your 15 year old to consider military service. That solves one problem. Too many issues to tackle everything at the same time here.

It is really sad to work out the timeline here - I can see OP aged out of the care system and was left vulnerable for this older guy to literally keep her barefoot and pregnant for over a decade now.

But it isn’t doing her any favours to sugar coat things. Her prospects of a decent life here are limited by her circumstances and she’s clearly unaware of this and that she may be in a worse situation than if she stayed in Europe

My thoughts exactly.

And potentially being stuck in some shitty B&B where all kinds of people hang around is going to make things worse for her and her kids

For goodness sake, being British doesn't override international law. She is also resident of another country, yet you believe your taxes should go to helping her and 6 kids come back to the UK. Things simply do not work like that, I suppose you could always set up a go fund me and donate yourself.

I massively believe in a safety net for anyone who falls on hard times, any decent functioning society should. But the situation OP is now in is very much one of her own making. This doesn't mean I am not sympathetic, but common sense must prevail. She really is stuck and no amount of sympathy on here can change that.

OP needs support and a plan - however long term. After her last post it is clear that her partner is a prehistoric prick who has kept her pretty much pregnant. But she must must find her sense of agency now, and at the very least access contraception.

I think this whole thread would be better served suggesting practical ways for her to navigate all this and improve some aspects of her life. one of the most pressing issues now seems to be her eldest son..