To want to move back to england with my 5 children

[tryingtogohome]

Hi sorry if this is all over the place

I live in Poland with my partner who is Polish and we have 5 boys 15 11 5 3 and 10 months and im pregnant again 25 weeks

I keep thinking about leaving him and going back to England but then i think im being stupid because ive been here so long and dont even know where id start anymore.

I dont really have anybody. No family. I grew up in care and havent spoken to anyone from my past for years and years.

Things have got worse between me and my partner. Hes always saying what a real man should be and boys shouldnt cry and things like that. My 15 year old argues with him constanly (constantly) now and the whole house feels tense all the time.

This is going to sound silly but i keep feeling like this baby is a girl and every time i say it he gets annoyed. Not shouting just annoyed and says he doesnt want a daughter and what would he do with a girl and says hopefully im wrong. Maybe im overreacting but it upsets me more than it should.

I dont know if its hormones.

I keep looking at Doncaster and Rotherham and Sheffield on my phone when everyone is asleep and then crying because i dont even know if my children could go to school there after living here all this time or where we would live.

I know people will say leave if youre unhappy but it isnt that easy when youve got this many children and no money and nowhere to go.

Am i being unreasonable wanting to go back to England or does this sound completly mad after 11 years away

I do speak Polish, not perfectly but enough for day to day things and appointments and schools etc. I didnt when i first came here but i do now.

I dont really have any friends though. I had a couple years ago but not anymore. Everyone sort of drifted away and i dont really go anywhere without the children now.
All of the children are his. They were all born in England apart from the baby who is 10 months. He came early at 31 weeks and was in hospital for a while and thats part of whats panicing me this time because im pregnant again and keep worrying the same thing will happen.

I dont know about passports off the top of my head because my head is all over the place today. The older boys definitely have British passports. I think the younger ones do as well but I'd have to check.

Something happened yesterday that i cant stop thinking about. I went out with the baby and when i got back my partner had shaved my 3 year olds hair off. He had lovely little curls and now half his head is basically shaved. He said it was only hair and he was messing about but my little boy was crying and didnt want anyone looking at him.

Maybe that sounds stupid compared to bigger problems but it really upset me. Hes only 3.

Leave and come back to the UK.

Contact Women's Aid for advice.

You may not be able to leave with your kids if they're Polish citizens.

Leave as soon as possible.

This. You need to find out the legality of this. It may class as kidnap in The Hague convention. You can contact Hague Mothers for support.

Though in your case I would be tempted to leave anyway with the kids and see if he bothered to fight it. ( admittedly I have not looked into the repercussions of doing this). And take it from there. Have you been documenting his behaviour?

What would your situation be if you were to separate in Poland? Would he be required to pay child maintenance? Would you be entitled to any benefits? Housing? Child benefit?

I can't see that it would be easy moving back, unless you have money for a rental deposit and 6 months rent (say) you would almost certainly have to go into emergency accommodation which generally means over crowded bed and breakfast. There is no council housing available almost anywhere.

Also schooling could be very tricky for your 15 year old as he would arrive half way through the GCSE years. How is he doing at school in Poland? Does he speak English?

Do you still love your husband? Is there such a thing as couples counselling that could help you discuss his behaviour and your relationship and see if it can be improved?

If not, start researching how you could come back.

Maybe start re-connecting with any old friends you had in the UK? Re-building friendships?

I see all your older children were born in the UK - has your husband worked and lived here? Would he contemplate coming back with you - and once here you could establish some contacts here and plan to leave?

It sounds like you've had a difficult life and have probably made some life choices that aren't really the right thing for you because your husband appeared to provide stability and love. However, it sounds like your relationship isn't very equal and you are feeling quite isolated.

One reason you are feeling isolated it likely that you have a lot of children and are doing a lot of parenting. That would keep you quite busy and with very little time even in the UK. Are you considering coming back to the UK without your husband? That would surely be incredibly hard without a support network?

Have you spoken to him about how unhappy you are in Poland? I can't really work out if you ars unhappy in your relationship? You say he has a difficult relationship with the eldest but you keep having babies with him? Is that through choice?

I suspect this is a controlling abusive relationship. It’s common for controlling men to keep getting their partner’s pregnant as they know it traps them.

You sound deeply unhappy OP. What would you be entitled to in Poland if you left?

You and the children would get accommodation in UK, but it would be emergency accommodation whilst you waited for social housing. You would also get benefits and there are employment support schemes to help you into work, though you may have to wait till the baby is older. You would have to find money for the passports and air fare though. And you may have a legal battle under The Hague convention.

Also schooling could be very tricky for your 15 year old as he would arrive half way through the GCSE years. How is he doing at school in Poland? Does he speak English?

Would be want to move to England? Even if he's not getting on with his dad, he might not want to uproot his life, and at his age op couldn't make him. Is there other family in Poland - grandparents etc?

Don't know how that gif got in there and can't see how to remove it.

I don't think you can bring your children to the UK to live without his consent, even if they have British citizenship. If they are ordinarily resident in Poland then it would be treated as abduction if you tried.

Hi OP that sounds really tough. I know what it is like to be in another country and desperate to come home.

You need to be careful about just leaving without your husband’s consent. Legally you cannot just move from the country your children are normally resident in.

I think you need to start finding some support and where you stand legally. Can you start by discussing this with your doctor and maternity team. Explain how your husband is treating you and the children. Also is their an expat British community or support for women you could contact.

Maybe someone will be along on here who has knowledge of Poland.

Well done on learning the language. Use your skills to make sure after this baby is born you get some contraception. So you can think about your situation without another pregnancy.

please stay safe. Your husband may turn more abusive if he knows you want to leave him.

could you suggest a move back as a family to england? Then if you all moved later your kids would be resident in uk so if you left it would not be taking them away from where they are resident.

stay safe OP. Take each step as it comes. Don’t worry about when you do finally get back. When I moved back to uk we got school places, doctors and even an nhs dentist! You will be free from this. Take time to do it legally and safely.

Good luck and stay strong 💪 💐

www.hague-mothers.org.uk/#Podcast

You posted before but now with the additional info, my advice is still

COME BACK HOME. x

Sounds very tough. As others have pointed out you can’t just take the kids back to the UK without their father’s consent.

That doesn’t mean you are stuck - just that it will be a long road with a lot of planning.

Do you have a good GP? Start the conversation now about getting contraception started asap after you give birth.

Then find out what support options there are for women in your situation in Poland - you need real life support and people to talk to face to face.

There is a British Embassy in Warsaw. Perhaps you could contact them secretly and say you are frightened of your Polish husband as he is very controlling -you are just making contact as you are worried your situation might get worse and you might need help to leave Poland in the future.

edit - they may say this is not their business but they are there to help British citizens so might give some advice or more

She may not be legally allowed to do this, it could be a criminal act which could then of course have severely negative consequences for her and her children.

OP, you need proper legal advice.

Up to three years in jail.

My oldest does speak English fluently. All of them do to different extents because ive always spoken English to them but my partner doesnt like them speaking English in the house. He says we live in Poland so they should speak Polish.

School is one of the things worrying me. My oldest isnt doing great. The teachers say hes intelligent but unmotivated and hes constantly getting into trouble. He was caught shoplifting a while ago which was awful. I think hes angry a lot of the time if im honest.

Him and his dad dont have a good relationship at all anymore. They argue all the time. My partner calls the boys names quite casually, homophobic things mainly. Especially my oldest because hes convinced hes gay for some reason. Ive no idea why. My son says he isnt. Not that it would matter if he was. But hes 15 now and he stands up for himself and answers back and my partner absolutely hates that.

A few people have asked if ive talked to him. I have but every time i bring things up its either im overreacting or its hormones.

The thing is he always used to say hormones even when i wasnt pregnant. If i got upset about something before my period he'd tell me it was hormones and id probably believe him and think maybe he was right. Now im pregnant everything is pregnancy hormones apparently.

I didnt really start looking at it differently until he started taking things out on the children more. The comments about boys crying. The things he says to my oldest. The thing with my 3 year olds hair yesterday.

I know people keep saying its only hair and maybe it is but it didnt feel like that. I had left him alone with one child for a couple of hours and came back and all his curls were gone. It honestly felt like revenge for leaving him with him. Maybe that sounds ridiculous.

My partner worked in England before. We lived there until my second was only a few months old and then moved here. At first it was fine. I was happy. We had friends. We went places. It didnt feel like this.

Now i never really go anywhere without the children. I cant remember the last time i went somewhere by myself apart from appointments.

And the daughter thing is really bothering me. I know i might not even be having a girl. Its just a feeling ive got. But whenever i mention it he gets annoyed and says he doesnt want a daughter. Then says im being silly when i get upset by it.

Sorry this is all over the place. I didnt expect so many replies and now my head is spinning a bit.

You’re going to need his permission to take the children to England to live as they are polish citizens and resident there.

Also at 15 that child will be allowed to pick which parent they live with.

Your best bet though unlikely would be to get him to agree for all of you to move so the children can experience living in both countries and then once the children would be deemed resident here then separate from him.

Did you get a 20-week scan? Your doctor will have a really good idea of the sex of the baby if so. You could ask them to tell you - then you’d have time to prepare yourself either way.

@tryingtogohomewhy are you still shagging this man and not using contraception?

As others have said, returning with the kids is not that simple given the length of time they've been in Poland, although I definitely see why you would want to. Would your partner ever be interested in returning to the UK? It doesn't sound like it but worth thinking about it.

This. If they have British passports, come home before the new baby is born.

Contact women's aid when you get here.

They couldnt get a proper look at the 20 week scan. The baby wasnt being very cooperative and every time she tried to look it moved or had its legs in the way so we still dont know.

I know it sounds silly saying i just have a feeling but i do.

As for moving back to England, no my partner doesnt want to. We've argued about it more than once. The compromise was always that i could go back to England to give birth and register the baby there because thats what i did with the others.

The youngest was meant to be born in England as well but he arrived at 31 weeks so obviously that didnt happen and he was born here instead.

The problem now is this baby is due in September. My others all have July or August birthdays so it was easier because there wasnt school to think about. This time all the children should be back at school and i dont know how thats supposed to work.

Part of me keeps thinking i should just go over before the birth but then im terrified this baby could come early as well because of what happened with the youngest.

I feel like every option has another problem attached to it.

And for the person asking why im still having babies with him, this pregnancy wasnt exactly planned. I know how that sounds with six children. I really do. Im not saying im completely blameless in any of this.

I think when you've been with someone a long time things become normal bit by bit and you stop questioning them. Then one day you look around and realise you're not actually happy and havent been for ages.

Sorry if thats a rubbish answer.

If you H is polish, your children were born in Poland and have polish citizenship is it as easy as putting them all on a plane? He may try to have you charged with kidnapping and interpol could force their return. You may need his permission to return.