To want to move back to england with my 5 children

[tryingtogohome]

Hi sorry if this is all over the place

I live in Poland with my partner who is Polish and we have 5 boys 15 11 5 3 and 10 months and im pregnant again 25 weeks

I keep thinking about leaving him and going back to England but then i think im being stupid because ive been here so long and dont even know where id start anymore.

I dont really have anybody. No family. I grew up in care and havent spoken to anyone from my past for years and years.

Things have got worse between me and my partner. Hes always saying what a real man should be and boys shouldnt cry and things like that. My 15 year old argues with him constanly (constantly) now and the whole house feels tense all the time.

This is going to sound silly but i keep feeling like this baby is a girl and every time i say it he gets annoyed. Not shouting just annoyed and says he doesnt want a daughter and what would he do with a girl and says hopefully im wrong. Maybe im overreacting but it upsets me more than it should.

I dont know if its hormones.

I keep looking at Doncaster and Rotherham and Sheffield on my phone when everyone is asleep and then crying because i dont even know if my children could go to school there after living here all this time or where we would live.

I know people will say leave if youre unhappy but it isnt that easy when youve got this many children and no money and nowhere to go.

Am i being unreasonable wanting to go back to England or does this sound completly mad after 11 years away

I do speak Polish, not perfectly but enough for day to day things and appointments and schools etc. I didnt when i first came here but i do now.

I dont really have any friends though. I had a couple years ago but not anymore. Everyone sort of drifted away and i dont really go anywhere without the children now.
All of the children are his. They were all born in England apart from the baby who is 10 months. He came early at 31 weeks and was in hospital for a while and thats part of whats panicing me this time because im pregnant again and keep worrying the same thing will happen.

I dont know about passports off the top of my head because my head is all over the place today. The older boys definitely have British passports. I think the younger ones do as well but I'd have to check.

Something happened yesterday that i cant stop thinking about. I went out with the baby and when i got back my partner had shaved my 3 year olds hair off. He had lovely little curls and now half his head is basically shaved. He said it was only hair and he was messing about but my little boy was crying and didnt want anyone looking at him.

Maybe that sounds stupid compared to bigger problems but it really upset me. Hes only 3.

I also agree with this.
You sound frightened of yr partner OP
I'm really sorry you are in this situation.
It will be hard yet I also think you can change things too

I think you’re going to have to stay in Poland until this baby is born - or if you come to the UK to give birth, tell your husband you want to stay here. You need to find a support network in Poland going forward.

This is what I would do in your situation. Speak to his mum a lot on the phone about how you wish she could spend more time with the kids. She'll pressure your husband to let you bring the kids over for the summer to see her. Then as he wants you to have the baby here in September you'll have a good excuse to stay even longer. That's 3 months "permission" in his view but it could look to authorities like you've both decided you and the kids are moving back permanently.

Speak to a women's abuse charity to help you with this but essentially move back and apply for benefits, housing and schools as a separated single mother without him knowing. Let him think it's a holiday and have nothing in writing about your return.

Some people might think this is overboard but dealing with abusive men is life and death sometimes.

It’s not the UK court tho. It’s the polish court who decide and the UK court under the convention will send the children back

Intent for dual citizenship/see his mum & other family?

They've been in Poland 11 years though-surely time enough to return if that was the intention?

A few people have asked why i come back to England to have the babies.

Part of it is honestly just because i feel more comfortable there. I do speak Polish but not fluently fluently if that makes sense. Day to day things are fine but when its medical stuff and youre frightened and in pain and people are talking quickly i find it much harder.

I can explain what i mean but i dont always understand everything being said back to me.

I know some people think its odd.

We normally come a few weeks before my due date and stay until the baby has the paperwork sorted and we can travel back. Thats always been the arrangement.

Im hoping we come earlier this time if we do come because i had pre-eclampsia before and then the baby came at 31 weeks last time which has made me really anxious about this pregnancy.

Im probably worrying too much but i keep thinking what if it happens again and im sat here waiting too long and then suddenly its an emergency.

As for how it all works, honestly i dont know all the ins and outs. My partner usually deals with a lot of the practical side of things and now im realising maybe i should have paid more attention to that than i did.

And for the people asking why not just separate and stay in Poland, thats probably what i need to look into.

I think maybe ive not explained myself very well.

Its not just that i miss England.

I dont like how things are in my house anymore.

I dont like my children growing up thinking boys cant cry.

I dont like my oldest and his dad screaming at each other every other day.

I dont like my 11 year old copying things his dad says and i definitely dont like hearing my 5 year old repeating them.

And i cant stop thinking about my 3 year old crying over his hair yesterday while his dad laughed and said it would grow back.

Maybe none of those things sound major on their own but when you put everything together it just feels like too much lately.

Sorry if that doesnt make much sense.

This is 100% correct. There is some very well meaning but naïve and dangerous advice on this thread. OP needs proper legal advice in Poland. She should not do anything without this.

I agree.

He doesn’t sound great but not abusive.

You can be a dick and not be abusive.

I think that word gets thrown about too much.

I don’t think his behaviour wards taking his kids to a different country.

But the kids are the most important people here and I think leaving their dad, home, school, friends, cultural norms etc would be much mor damaging just because OP wants to end the relationship.

Theres no reason why OP can’t separate and stay in Poland.

But the Husband has no mother and no sister in Poland. They are in U.K. You really think he’s going to fight to return 6! kids to care for himself whilst he works.

I get your point though and am obviously bending the truth somewhat. OP is lucky she’s got a few conveniently bendy details.

You can separate for any reason OP.

But wanting to move your 6 kids to a completely new country is a massive deal and I think you haven’t thought this through.

What happens when you give birth and your other kids are in school?
Who looks after them and who is looking after them this time?

I can't imagine the logistics of trying to move country with 5 or 6 kids with no ties to any area of the Uk and initially no recourse to benefits and no way to support yourself. You would be better off seeking help in Poland initially until the kids are older.

They are Polish citizens if their father is Polish. If you move the kids abroad without father’s permission, he can legally request their return.

If he is truely abusive, then there is a high chance he will stop her as a way to control her. He will know she isn’t going to put herself in the position where she loses her kids. He will not want to lose control over her. He will tell her is she doesn’t return with them he will force their return. She will return. This has nothing to do with him actually parenting them.

I just don’t want to give the OP advice thst can work or to harm her or her kids. She needs to, if he really is abusive, leave and stay in Poland and fight to bring the kids here legally. Just bringing them of stopping their return is illegal.

if he is not abusive maybe he will want to parent his children in their home. He may be happy for the OP to separate from him but keep his children where he has access to them.

If you're resident in Poland then you're not entitled to free maternity care even if you were UK born, are you aware of that OP? Polish EHIC cards don't cover it. If your DH is doing the paperwork then he may be committing fraud if you're not paying.

You need proper legal advice op re if you can bring the children back. You sound to be in abusive relationship. Is there a woman's aid or support in Poland. Do you have friends who can help. Any friends in the UK to give you emotional support. You so brave and a super mum here x

I think he would. Not because he thinks he can look after them but because he knows their mother wouldn’t let them live in Poland without her.

So sorry you’re going through that, OP. I second others - please do seek support and come back here. He doesn’t sound nice, and the hair shave seems like he was jealous of the little boy 💐

Maybe it's not that easy saying no to him??

I don't think her husband is abusive. Unpleasant yes, but being a bit of a wanker is not abuse FFS.

DO NOT JUST TAKE HIS CHILDREN AWAY FROM POLAND WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION.
If you do that you stand a very good chance of a prison sentence and loss of custody altogether.

If you're so unhappy with him seperate by all means - but you should stay in Poland and make a life for yourself there. Your children are Polish citizens and have a right to see their father whenever they want.

He has as much right to be with his children as you do.

Plus all your children have roots in Poland. Their friends are there as well as their father.

That’s not true. I live in Scotland and have a friend who is a midwife and she says she sees many women who have come from Poland for a few weeks for the sole purpose of giving birth. She says its not questioned.

What stops the partners using birth control to prevent this though?

Not really fair English taxpayers are funding your birth choices if you or DH are paying tax in Poland. Any tax you paid before you moved will be long spent. Just thinking of how up against it most hospitals are to have someone just rock up feels a bit cheeky.

I don't have any advice I'm afraid but I just wanted to say I think you are explaining yourself just fine OP. I completely understand where you are coming from and why his behaviour feels unnerving.

Definitely seek advice from some kind of institution in Poland and try and see if you can get to any mothers groups and make some friends so you don't feel so isolated (I know it must be impossible with so many children).

Your partner should be happy for you to make some friends and have something for you outside of being a mother, if he is not happy with this then it is another alarm bell. I presume he is also just very used to the way things have been for so long but none the less that does not make it ok.

I'm sorry you are having to navigate this, especially alone. You must be a very strong woman being a mama to six kids. Wishing you all the best.

That’s really poor.

You need to look into The Hague Convention - youwill need his permission to take the children abroad/ away from their ‘habitual place of residence’.