To think my friend is being ridiculous?

[pollyhilly]

Someone I consider a good friend is getting married in August. Her hen is in a few weeks but discussions about it started months ago. Lots of ideas being thrown around but she was adamant that she wanted to go abroad on a boozy long weekend to Magaluf. I said quite early on that I wouldn’t be able to go abroad due to cost, work and childcare. To be honest I just really didn’t want to do this type of weekend either, I’m not a good flyer and the thought of sharing a hotel room with people I don’t know isn’t my idea of fun. I was happy to do something in the UK and I was very honest about all of this.

Anyway the deadline for booking was a few months ago and at that point the bride sent a message around telling everyone she needed definite numbers for booking so at this point I said no im
sorry I can’t come. 2 or 3 others also said the same. She didn’t take it well at all. Gave a big speech about how she didn’t think it was a lot to ask etc etc then left the group. I was quite shocked at her attitude and entitlement to be honest although she does have form for being a bit of a drama queen.

Anyway this was about 6 weeks ago and I haven’t heard from her since. I know the hen is happening early July so I’m wondering once it’s done and the dust has settled it she might reach out. If not I’m wondering if I should still attend the wedding in August? It’s very awkward having to message her and ask that question but if the silence keeps up I have no idea where that leaves me?

Aibu to not have gone? I just find hen dos like this so unbearable and I offered to do something else with her back home but it was a flat no. I’m willing to put myself out for my friends to a point but this just seemed like too much. Would you reach out after the hen or just assume you’re not invited to the wedding anymore unless you hear otherwise?

Yes she is being ridiculous and very entitled. Some people can be very precious about these (imo frivolous and ugly) events.

I decline stag night invites out of hand, I have absolutely no interest. I don't care who it is, or what the plan is.

I have only been invited to 3 - lots of my friends are unmarried, others didn't have stag nights - but there was absolutely no issue at all to decline, neither should there have been. If anyone moaned Id have told them to eff off.

I mean, who the f*ck wants to go to lap dancing at the best of times, let alone with a bunch of strangers. Ugh and ugh again. Imagine the stilted efforts at small talk, Id rather have teeth out.

I thought all guys were like this, until a former colleague was railing against a friend who didn't make it to his stag night and was claiming they were now "finished". What a diva, I liked the guy but certainly lost some respect for him over that fussing. Totally unreasonable.

I do love going away for a weekend with friends, but its too much to expect on top of the cost and effort of a wedding.

I love the freedom and time with friends such a weekend offers, but a stag event ruins it with ugly cultural expectations, regimented heavy drinking*, a rigid timetable of events and shit activities I would never dream of doing normally (strippers, throwing axes at midgets etc and the rest of the tripe).

*dont get me wrong, I do enjoy a good drink, but I also enjoy being able to pass on it, if I dont feel like it.

Once the hen is over just message to ask if she had a nice time, if she ignores you then obviously she doesn’t want you to attend

Regarding your friend...the fact that said she didn't think it was a lot to ask is telling. Objectively, it's a huge ask.
Think social media has a part to play in people's expectations.

Why on earth are you friends with this twat? She’s a selfish idiot. Don’t go to the wedding; you’ve had a lucky escape.

I think the only thing you can do is a couple of days before the hen do you send her a private message saying you hope she has a lovely time at her do. I would then offer again to meet up once she’s home for a local meal if she’s local to you. If she’s not local then offer to come to her if she’s having another ‘at home’ do as quite often people have two. If you hear nothing back after that I’d assume you’re no longer friends and invited and then you really weren’t that close after all?

Maybe text her 1 last time and say ....
"Hi Bridezilla friend [insert name here]. I am reaching out one last time & will leave the ball in your court. I will preface this by saying I love you very much, wish you well, hope the wedding goes well and I appreciate the fact that wedding planning can be stressful...However, ....you asked me to spend a huge chunk of money & time which are 2 luxuries that I don't have much of as a working parent and then were aggressive when I said no, even though I told you from the get go I couldn't do it. Plus I don't like flying and wouldn't spend the equivalent of a whole week's worth of holiday money on one weekend. I can appreciate you felt disappointed however, i did too. Would you rather I lied to you and let you down at the last minute or went and made the trip sh** cos I was a misery guts ? What i need to know from you please, is am i still invited to your wedding and will I be welcome ? Please let me know. I am being honest here as your reaction shocked me a bit though I appreciate most relationships in life have disagreements, hiccups etc but I am at least being upfront here that your reaction upset me when I was honest with you from the start yet you seemed to ignore me saying it and turn it into a personal vendetta against you when I didn't mean it that way. The numbers, leave and childcare simply wasn't possible yet you knew this from the start".
I am not gonna reply to any back and forth op I just wanted to help x good luck .

Not sure how old the bride to be is, but Magaluf is for kids, like 18 year old first holiday alone. Even if it was another destination, you’re not being unreasonable. Asking people to go abroad or even a weekend away nearer home is a big ask.

This type of hen do is horrific, and always seem to match with the most entitled, bridezilla brides.
I wouldn’t give her or her wedding a second thought, she sounds like a shit friend.

Amazed you haven’t already changed the RSVP and booked yourself a nice weekend away instead! Stuff waiting around for her. What a brat.

You are very understanding. She's had that chance. I'd not be justifying or explaining anything - or wasting my time with anyone willing to treat me like this.

She is no friend. I would not bother with her again. She is being pathetic and entitled.

You've got to be joking. Why would any true friend want their mate to stretch themselves beyond what they can afford financially to go on a trip that they won't enjoy.

If the bride was a true friend she'd recognise that not everyone can afford a boozy trip abroad, and not everyone would want to, and that's fine. If she really wanted to celebrate with friends she'd be open to having some sort of get together in the UK (either instead of or as well as abroad).

But lots wouldn't think of that as fun.

Just match energy for energy. She's been incredibly rude ignoring you after you reasonably turned down her hen do with valid reasons.

I wouldn't chase her to keep up a friendship. However, if she did get in touch and has no form previous to this incident, I would try to be generous and put it down to wedding madness.

I would be civil and let her know how her actions made me feel and suggest trying to resolve things in a calm and reasonable way. If the reaction to that is similar to the previous one, I'd then leave it.

She obviously doesnt care how she made anyone feel so why should you?

I'm struggling to understand why you would want to be friends with someone who flounces off when they don't get their own way. She sounds like a bully to me.

Some women go bat shit when planning a wedding - sane to unhinged very quickly.

Some people will never understand the impact of DC on your time, money and priorities until they have them themselves.

You were invited to a hen do that was expensive, encroached on your time with your family and activities you didn't want to do in a place you didn't want to visit. You clearly stated you weren't going to go very early on.
You have nothing to feel guilty about.

It's unreasonavle of your friend to get sulky. Going abroad isnt cheap and it isnt everyone's cup of tea. Why dont you ask her straight out what the sitiation is. She can either say she wants to see you at the wedding or she can act up and make a drama out of it , in which case just drop her.

To those asking, no I haven’t reached out or contacted her. The ball is in her court as far as I’m concerned. I’m sad that she’s feeling disappointed of course but as lots of pp have said, her response was rude and entitled and I’m not pandering to it. If I still haven’t heard anything closer to the wedding then I will get in touch to see if I’m still invited but that’s it. I have a feeling once the dust has settled she’ll calm down a bit but I still think the level of entitlement is ridiculous.

I wouldn't want to go to this either, but I can understand that your friend might feel hurt, particularly if she has made the effort to go to other hen dos in the group and now feels it isn't reciprocated.

Have you considered offering actually to organise a separate hen night in the UK for those who can't travel overseas? That would be going the extra mile for her and you really would have done everything you reasonably could.

It just seems a shame to lose 'a kind and generous friend'.

Awkward. I don’t blame you for not going, sounds like hell to me too. It’s not just that but there’s a certain entitlement in getting married or having a hen/stag abroad. Not everyone can afford it, some people don’t like flying, some don’t even have a passport. You can’t be sad if people can’t attend imo.

I know I am in the minority but I think Hen do's (and weddings for that matter) have gone off the rails.

Some posters think that it's wrong to decline an invitation just because you don't fancy what's being offered. I disagree with this. As I've got older I've become more assertive and honest. It's quite easy to decline politely and truthfully.

'Thanks so much for inviting me. I think I'm going to pass this time, it's really not my sort of thing'.
'Thanks so much for inviting me. I'm really not keen on musicals, so I'll pass on this one'.
Simple.

Shocked that so many people think you should financially stretch yourself and put yourself in a situation you know you won’t enjoy just to keep a friend happy. I would never expect my friends to do that for me, and the fact that four people have declined to go should have made her pause and take stock of what is actually important to her.

MN is batshit. On any other thread about hen do’s abroad most comments are around how ridiculous they are and how entitled it is to expect people to spend hundreds of pounds to attend.

Is the Magaluf hen still going ahead or did she arrange something different for July? Either way, if you haven’t heard from her by then I’d be ringing her to see whether she still wants you to attend the wedding or not.

This just shows the problem with dealing with this kind of thing by message.

If you'd been face to face, you could have explained what you can't go or don't feel able to for all the reasons you've said here.

She'd probably have said that she feels hurt because (I don't know but hazarding a guess) that she really wanted to do this, wanted to celebrate with her close friends, wanted you there, is a bit envious as these sort of events seem to come easily to other women and other women in the group have gone to Jane or Jill hen dos abroad and now don't want to make the effort for her and she feels really unpopular and let down.

You'd have comforted her, told her not to see it like that, cost of living, bad timing, she's got it all wrong and you still love her.

She still wouldn't have been happy but she'd probably not have huffed off and you'd have parted in a civilised way with a functioning relationship.

Texting like emails can be blunt and is easy to get offended by words that aren't meant in that way.

She's behaved flouncily but if she's your friend and you value the relationship, I'd try to see her or speak to her in person to deal with it. She probably saw the responses (not just from you) as a blunt 'you don't matter to me' and had dropped from huge excitement to a real low pit of hurt. Still bad behaviour from her but she's getting married - maybe cut her some slack this one time if you feel you want to?

Still bad behaviour from her but she's getting married - maybe cut her some slack?

Slack? She's getting married, she isnt terminally ill!

Getting married doesnt forcibly turn you into an arsehole unless you have tendencies to be an arsehole to begin with. Why does she need slack?- it was her choice to get married and her choice to have a ridiculously expensive hen do knowing that some people wouldnt be able to attend if it was abroad.

She's picked the tackiest most inappropriate place to have it - as PP have said, Magaluf is for pissed up 18 year olds on their first holiday, not for women in their mid thirties who have children. This whole thing is just a huge embarrassing shit show and I think she is insane to think anyone in their mid 30s would actually enjoy this kind of juvenile nonsense. To use a very MN phrase- its grim.