To think my friend is being ridiculous?

[pollyhilly]

Someone I consider a good friend is getting married in August. Her hen is in a few weeks but discussions about it started months ago. Lots of ideas being thrown around but she was adamant that she wanted to go abroad on a boozy long weekend to Magaluf. I said quite early on that I wouldn’t be able to go abroad due to cost, work and childcare. To be honest I just really didn’t want to do this type of weekend either, I’m not a good flyer and the thought of sharing a hotel room with people I don’t know isn’t my idea of fun. I was happy to do something in the UK and I was very honest about all of this.

Anyway the deadline for booking was a few months ago and at that point the bride sent a message around telling everyone she needed definite numbers for booking so at this point I said no im
sorry I can’t come. 2 or 3 others also said the same. She didn’t take it well at all. Gave a big speech about how she didn’t think it was a lot to ask etc etc then left the group. I was quite shocked at her attitude and entitlement to be honest although she does have form for being a bit of a drama queen.

Anyway this was about 6 weeks ago and I haven’t heard from her since. I know the hen is happening early July so I’m wondering once it’s done and the dust has settled it she might reach out. If not I’m wondering if I should still attend the wedding in August? It’s very awkward having to message her and ask that question but if the silence keeps up I have no idea where that leaves me?

Aibu to not have gone? I just find hen dos like this so unbearable and I offered to do something else with her back home but it was a flat no. I’m willing to put myself out for my friends to a point but this just seemed like too much. Would you reach out after the hen or just assume you’re not invited to the wedding anymore unless you hear otherwise?

This is literally the answer to the question you asked in your OP. You have answered it yourself…

and for what it’s worth, the person saying to send a quick message before the hen saying “have a good weekend, would love to hear about it after” is a great idea. Just take the high road

Is she the last in the group to get married and has she been to a lot of other people's hen? Just trying to figure out her strange reaction 🤔 YANBU btw, I wouldn't want to go to Magaluf either 😅

Expensive weddings, hens and stags. It’s ok for the bridal duo but everyone else it’s generally a ball ache. Fair enough if you have lots of money and time, but generally these ideas fizzle out once everyone starts to hit about 25. I cannot fathom why people think others are as excited about them of their own wedding and want to spend oodles of cash going here there and everywhere. Again fair play if youre loaded or you want to, but should never be made to feel obliged in any way.

Can you ask on the group chat if anyone knows if having a UK meal or drinks has been discussed?
I think its fairly common for people who have a large hen do abroad, to also have something local including friends and family who can't make it abroad.

Op why would you want to go now anyway she has been rude and disrespectful to your situation she’s a bridezilla. I definitely wouldn’t be asking her if you don’t hear anything from her let her go. She’s a spoiled brat who can’t handle the word no. Why do brides think other women want to spend a fortune on someone else’s hen night. Yes if you enjoy that type of thing but a lot of women don’t. It’s expensive and the entitlement is off the scales.

I wouldn’t be going on that hen do either. Costly and honestly sounds a nightmare. If you lose her as a friend then she is the unreasonable one. Re the wedding I would just message her. “Hi Bride, I’m sorry you are upset that I can’t go to your hen. I understand this means a lot to you but I’m just too stretched financially. I would still love to see you get married but I understand if you feel you’d rather I wasn’t there.” Be prepared for her to say no of course. Alternatively are you friends with her mum or someone close so you could ask them? (Personally I wouldn’t be bothering with it!)

When God made Eve, He'd already made Adam and the animals so she only ever existed with companionship and community. Even as children and young teens girls tend to group together unlike boys.

Have the others who said they weren't going to the hen do heard anything from her?

I feel sorry for her groom. And even sorrier for any kids they have/might have.
Ridiculous to expect you to leave your kids all weekend and spend a fortune. Most parents would prefer to spend that on a weekend or two with the family. Ok some might not, but stropping at the majority who do is not on.

Up to you what you do, but personally I'd not bother attending the wedding, or buying a gift (the groom might well cancel it, unless he's as bad as her). You could just say you're busy with actual two year olds, and don't want to spend time with a grown woman who acts like a toddler.

I’d be inclined to message her to say hope you have a great time on your hen do and see if you get a response. If she replies and is ok then just go to the wedding.. if she ignores you or is frosty you can decide what your follow up message should be… think that’s better than asking am I still invited…

The minority? Are you kidding? This website is notorious for slagging off hen do’s, weddings and brides. I’ve never encountered the nastiness towards weddings in real life the way I have on here.

The OP clearly doesn’t like the bride and thinks she’s 100% in the right so I’ve no idea why she posted. Or why she even wants to go to the wedding of someone she thinks is so bitchy and entitled, come to that.

I’d just message her a couple of days before the hen and say “Hey XX, I hope you have a great time away, I’m really sorry I couldn’t make it but I’m looking forward to celebrating your wedding with you. If you want to do something before then let me know x”
Then you’ll be able to gauge her view on you being at the wedding from her reply. She’s probably a very stressed out bride and whilst that doesn’t excuse her behaviour, she could be feeling embarrassed by her tantrum?

I’ve never encountered the nastiness towards weddings in real life the way I have on here

Er... people are saying the hen trip to Magaluf is ridiculous, not the actual wedding.

Are you ok? you seem to be taking this really personally- did you expect everyone to shell out thousands of pounds on your hen do as well and get stroppy and petulant when they didnt?

Honestly, I’d talk to her. Ok, the conversation may be a little frosty to begin with, but it’s better to make contact now than leave it.
I’d say something calling the lines of you’re sorry that you can’t make the hen, but you’re really looking forward to celebrating with her in August. The wedding is the most important event after all.

Worst case, she’ll be unpleasant and say you’re not welcome at the wedding; best case ( and most logical imo) is that she’ll calm down and realize that you’re still friends.

It was suggested to her by myself and a couple
of the others who said they couldn’t go. Like ‘really sorry we can’t do this but can we please arrange something for you closer to home as well, we still
want to celebrate with you.’

It was a hard no from bride.

Well that's weird, unusual, and really quite rude.

Often there will be both home and away celebrations, to include those that can't make the away one.

She really does sound like she threw ALL her toys out of the pram, so let her get on with it.

Leave her to it. If she considers you a good friend, she’ll get in touch to apologise and make arrangements. Good friends respect each other - she didn’t have to react like that. YANBU, OP 💐

She’s stressed out now - wait until she gets the marriage 😉😂

She may have over reacted, but you are also acting like a dramatic teenager.

Just message/call your friend.

I have not done any hen nights abroad. Depending on where you are going, hotels, eating and drinking can easily burn £1k to £2k and that is before you have sorted any presents/clothes for the wedding. I could not justify this type of expenditure to myself and I certainly would not ask anyone else to do so.

Save a bit more money and dont go to the wedding

Id message her before the hen weekend and say hope she has a great time and just say sorry you couldn't go and see how she responds. To be honest I wouldn't have gone either.

I sort of agree with @Dogmum74
I'd just add that if you want it sorted now to determine if there is any friendship to be salvaged to message her. Obviously you will not think of her in the same way if you do stay friends.
"Hey, Sara, just touching base to see if there is any chance to get together before you go away."
I'd try to arrange the others who can't go to the hen to join. If friend doesn't reply, or is still in a strop I'd likely not go to the wedding and write off the friendship. The only reason I'd give it one more shot is because wedding and planning pressures can make a person a bit crazy. There might be a lot going on and friends not going to possibly her dream hen could've been the final straw for her. Just a thought. 🤷‍♀️

Assuming you've been invited and RSVP'd...

Just text after the hen do
"Hi friend. Hope you had a fab hen do. Sorry to have missed it but would love to see the photos. Fancy a coffee on Tuesday?".

If she doesn't respond then I'd text her closer to the wedding
"hi friend. I've not heard from you since you May. I hope you are ok. I'm so excited for your wedding! Can I just double check what time should we arrive?".

If still no answer then
"Hi friend. I've not had any replies to my texts. I'm upset that you clearly dont want me to be part of your wedding anymore but I'll respect your wishes. I hope you have a lovely day and you and Dave have a happy and long marriage. Take care".

I'd let one of your mutual friends know you're not going as well just to make sure she knows.

Some people seem to lose their marbles completely as their wedding approaches. Hopefully you will go along and have a good time and she'll recover her sanity after the honeymoon.