To think my friend is being ridiculous?

[pollyhilly]

Someone I consider a good friend is getting married in August. Her hen is in a few weeks but discussions about it started months ago. Lots of ideas being thrown around but she was adamant that she wanted to go abroad on a boozy long weekend to Magaluf. I said quite early on that I wouldn’t be able to go abroad due to cost, work and childcare. To be honest I just really didn’t want to do this type of weekend either, I’m not a good flyer and the thought of sharing a hotel room with people I don’t know isn’t my idea of fun. I was happy to do something in the UK and I was very honest about all of this.

Anyway the deadline for booking was a few months ago and at that point the bride sent a message around telling everyone she needed definite numbers for booking so at this point I said no im
sorry I can’t come. 2 or 3 others also said the same. She didn’t take it well at all. Gave a big speech about how she didn’t think it was a lot to ask etc etc then left the group. I was quite shocked at her attitude and entitlement to be honest although she does have form for being a bit of a drama queen.

Anyway this was about 6 weeks ago and I haven’t heard from her since. I know the hen is happening early July so I’m wondering once it’s done and the dust has settled it she might reach out. If not I’m wondering if I should still attend the wedding in August? It’s very awkward having to message her and ask that question but if the silence keeps up I have no idea where that leaves me?

Aibu to not have gone? I just find hen dos like this so unbearable and I offered to do something else with her back home but it was a flat no. I’m willing to put myself out for my friends to a point but this just seemed like too much. Would you reach out after the hen or just assume you’re not invited to the wedding anymore unless you hear otherwise?

You made it very clear from the outset that you wouldn’t be going on the hen and gave your reasons why, as did 2/3 others. Clearly the bride to be instantly morphed into bridezilla, preferred to ignore what she’d been told and is now sulking because she can’t get all her own way. Yes, it’s her wedding but she needs to suck it up that life doesn’t revolve around her. As for going to the wedding, personally I’d not bother.

I think you’ve waited a bit long to reach out. Not that you should be sorry, but I guess wedding culture these days is weird like that..

You could simply whatsapp her to ask how the wedding planning is coming along, and how you know it’s dissapointing you couldn’t come on the weekend away, but you’d like to take her out for a special dinner or something fun together instead?

Don’t have justify yourself, but make her feel a bit special might come a long way to not lose your friendship. You seem to still value the friendship.

Just call her and ask how the wedding plans are going. You'll get your answer.

I think it is safe to assume you are not invited to the wedding since she has cut you dead.

To be certain you could message her:

Hey how are you - sorry about the hen do situation- I hope you have a great time. I wanted to check that the wedding invite was still valid or not? Thanks Xx

It’s the way you think about it for me. The starting point isn’t I want to be there for my friends as much a possible, and then get to but I can’t do that eg this foreign trip.

The starting point is I want to be with my kids and I’ll only “inconvenience” myself for friends to a point.

I’ve never thought of my friendships like that, I’ve never thought of making an effort for them as a scale of inconvenience for myself.

Or send her a picture of a dress and say oh I was thinking about this for your wedding and see what she says?

There's a big difference between a restaurant that's not your first choice and a hen party abroad though. It's a combination of cost, annual leave childcare needs and so on - it IS a lot to ask, contrary to the bride's snarky comment, and it isn't fair to turn on friends who can't manage it. It's incredibly entitled and we shouldn't condone it.

There’s nothing unreasonable about not wanting to go but you need to act normal, bright and breezy as pp suggested, rather than stewing on it / feeling an atmosphere when you haven’t had any communication with your friend.

You were invited to her wedding, you’ve accepted. You should assume you’re going as normal unless you hear otherwise.

Just send her a message saying you are looking forward to hearing about the hen, or do you fancy trying the new place for lunch or something normal for the 2 of you, and see what happens

I agree and for those saying if she was a close friend you'd go and inconvenience yourself, well that equally applies the other way around too- if you care about your friends you wouldnt want them to be massively out of pocket or to be hugely inconvenienced for an event you can easily hold in the UK.

It's not like you cant have fun anywhere apart from Magaluf FGS. I cant imagine holding a party abroad knowing that some of my friends cant make it- I'd far rather hold it at home and have the people I care about actually there.

I care more about my friends than I care about being in Spain for a weekend.

This ! My idea of hell too.
I’ve never been on a hen trip.

If she doesn’t contact you between now and the wedding I think I would be making my excuses for not attending, rather than risk a frosty reception if you do turn up. I’ll never understand why grown and otherwise intelligent women turn into simpering whiny children when it comes to their weddings.

Abroad hen do's are just unreasonable IMO! Especially for a group of women in their mid 30s as many of which will possibly have children and therefore caring responsibilities to juggle. You were perfectly entitled to say no.

As you've received the wedding invite and RSVP'd already I'd say you're definitely still invited and should attend unless you hear otherwise, it would definitely be best to speak to the bride beforehand to clear the air so it's not awkward on the day!

I honestly cannot understand people who behave so poorly about their hen do's/weddings - why do they think they're the centre of the universe and have the right to treat their friends/family like crap just because they're getting married?!

She explained in her OP why. 🤨

People online love to complain endlessly about hen do's and so on. In reality, you bailed on a big moment in your friend's life, and not everyone is accepting and understanding about that. She's made her feelings clear through her silence. I'd just accept the friendship is over now if I were you OP.

She sounds like an insufferably self-centred person. Highly doubt the marriage is going to last so nothing lost in not attending.

I'd say do not escalate. Don't miss the wedding if you have RSVP'd. Don't call to ask if the invite is still good, implicitly saying something like "you might be so upset with me you don't even want me there" or worse " I don't want to go to your wedding" , which is going to hurt.
I'd say carry on as normal, maybe offer a friendly message or to go do whatever you normally do when you see her. Go to the wedding unless you hear otherwise.

Message and say hi and how was the hen do and ask her round for a meal or something that takes a bit of effort on your part. Id guess that she's just feeling vulnerable and unloved and thats not a nice place to be. Just make it clear in your deeds that she's still important to you as there might be all kinds of other stuff going on for her. You have disappointed her, which is fine, but up to you to try to repair it.

Sorry but you are completely mistaken there. The starting point was…I’m happy to do whatever you want to in the UK. I did say I wasnt sure if I’d be able to do abroad but this was very early when ideas were still being thrown around.

When the final offer was presented by her that’s when I said no sorry I can’t do that. I hadn’t initially set out not wanting to participate it’s just that her particular choice doesn’t work for me.

And it isn’t just about my kids! There are many reasons why it doesn’t work.

Bridezilla sounds immature and entitled. No doubt some drips who can't really afford it will feel obliged and end up on her hen do abroad.

Honestly- I think you were being unreasonable.

I was the bride with bridesmaids who were pregnant/had young children. We all lived in different parts of UK so I wanted to meet somewhere in the middle but it didn't work out without putting one of them out so I just didn't have one because I didn't want to exclude anyone or put them out of their comfort zone.

Now I'm a mum myself - I think f that. If your friend has been generous and loyal to you, and you truly value her friendship, they you can put your preferences aside this once and make her feel valued. It's not about you. You should get gratification by seeing your friend happy and having a good time.

I love my baby and also would never choose to go to magaluf. But if a good friend wanted that for her hen then I'd suck it up and do it.

It would be different if you genuinely had no way to afford it or no childcare options - but you've said you just don't want to. So yes, YABU and fair play to her if she doesn't value your friendship anymore.

Appreciate your view but I couldn’t disagree more. I would be massively stretching myself financially to go. And as much as I am a loyal and generous friend, there surely has to be a cutoff at some point where you have to put your own wellbeing above the ‘gratification’ of seeing a friend happy.

You must be a much better friend than me, or have much more disposable income.

I meant the starting point about the way you think about your friendships. The starting point for you is your needs and how much you’ll “inconvenience” yourself. That to me is off.

I'm not sure why considering your own needs is being presented as a character flaw. Most people start with what they can realistically afford, fit around work and childcare, and are comfortable doing.

That's not selfishness, it's being an adult.

An invitation isn't an obligation. If attendance at an expensive hen weekend abroad is the benchmark for friendship, that's a very high bar. It would also indicate the bride views friendship from a place of entitlement rather than inclusivity which I would argue to me, is "off".

No that’s not how I think about my friendships at all. It’s how I assess situations like this perhaps, but it’s certainly not a starting point like ‘hmm shall I be friends with this person or will it inconvenience me?’

Ultimately it’s common sense isn’t it. Someone suggests something and you have to figure out if you can do it based around your own finances, circumstances and feelings. If there are any barriers you need to work out how far you are willing to push these barriers or if it’s just something you have to say no to. It’s not difficult.

I hate stuff like this. I had a good friend get really funny with me when I said I couldn't attend her overseas hen. I had a six month old baby, we were scraping together every penny for a deposit for our first house plus I was on SMP so I just couldn't justify spending money on that! She disappointed me that she couldn't see past herself to see my reason was justified. If I could've gone I would've and I thought she knew that about me. It really hurt me and made me think differently of her.