To think my friend is being ridiculous?

[pollyhilly]

Someone I consider a good friend is getting married in August. Her hen is in a few weeks but discussions about it started months ago. Lots of ideas being thrown around but she was adamant that she wanted to go abroad on a boozy long weekend to Magaluf. I said quite early on that I wouldn’t be able to go abroad due to cost, work and childcare. To be honest I just really didn’t want to do this type of weekend either, I’m not a good flyer and the thought of sharing a hotel room with people I don’t know isn’t my idea of fun. I was happy to do something in the UK and I was very honest about all of this.

Anyway the deadline for booking was a few months ago and at that point the bride sent a message around telling everyone she needed definite numbers for booking so at this point I said no im
sorry I can’t come. 2 or 3 others also said the same. She didn’t take it well at all. Gave a big speech about how she didn’t think it was a lot to ask etc etc then left the group. I was quite shocked at her attitude and entitlement to be honest although she does have form for being a bit of a drama queen.

Anyway this was about 6 weeks ago and I haven’t heard from her since. I know the hen is happening early July so I’m wondering once it’s done and the dust has settled it she might reach out. If not I’m wondering if I should still attend the wedding in August? It’s very awkward having to message her and ask that question but if the silence keeps up I have no idea where that leaves me?

Aibu to not have gone? I just find hen dos like this so unbearable and I offered to do something else with her back home but it was a flat no. I’m willing to put myself out for my friends to a point but this just seemed like too much. Would you reach out after the hen or just assume you’re not invited to the wedding anymore unless you hear otherwise?

Let her contact you. She needs to apologise for flouncing off.

Let her strop. I find it mad when people expect you to spend HUNDREDS of pounds for their own dreams. When you’re young and in a group and have disposable income then fair enough, but when you’re older, with debts and kids, come on!
I remember an ex friend really wanted to get married to her affair partner in vegas. I said great but I can’t afford it, saving for a mortgage. She said you can spend that and start saving again… as if. So glad I didn’t as they didn’t last.
But no, you’re not unreasonable. That hen sounds like my idea of hell, and you have offered to celebrate her in other ways.

Must be nice for all these people with so much money that they can judge others for not having enough disposable cash to “do what a good friend wanted”. Either that or they’re such amazing people(martyrs) they’ll go without food for a month to make their friends happy.

I’d say reach out. Your friend is immature and unable to regulate her emotions, she’s probably embarrassed!
Of it was me I’d take the following approach:
Hey Bride,
How are you? Been a while.
You must be getting excited about the wedding now, I know I am.
Fancy a catch up if you have time?
friend xx

I hate flying, prefer my own space as well so wouldn’t particularly like to share a room.
I was in a similar situation last year I was invited to a hen do abroad but my best friend also made it very clear that she wasn’t really expecting me to go.
She did 2 hen do’s one for this country and one for people who couldn’t/wouldn’t travel (more people attended the UK one)
People will say you’re unreasonable not to go but I think a true friend who knows you well wouldn’t expect you to do something that you would hate….
I wouldn’t go to the wedding if she doesn’t reach out to you, but then I wouldn’t consider someone who behaves as she has a good friend.
Since turning 40 my people pleasing ways seem to have totally subsided and I now have no problems saying
‘No thanks, but I hope you have a lovely time!’

its sounds like she treats them poorly too?

I think it’s not that you can’t go that’s upset her but the way you have worded it. You have made it sound like you just don’t fancy it.
she has asked you to do something special with her to celebrate and you have basically said that it doesn’t sound enjoyable enough for you to go.
did you say sorry financially I can’t stretch to it but let’s do something together when you are back? Or was it I don’t fancy that, in out?

I don’t think her behaviour is that bad, but without more context it’s difficult to judge properly.

There is a difference between friendship groups that genuinely compromise and take turns doing things everyone enjoys, and friendships where one person is usually the one going along with everyone else’s preferences.

If your friend has always been the person who “goes with the flow”, I can understand why she’d be hurt that, when it came to her hen do, people immediately started suggesting alternatives that suited them better. It’s reasonable to expect friends to make an effort for an event that’s important to you, even if it isn’t their ideal weekend.

If several people were objecting because it was abroad, too boozy, too long, or not their kind of thing, I can also see why she wasn’t enthusiastic about changing it. From her perspective, it may have felt like an event meant to celebrate her was being reshaped around everyone else’s preferences.

How- where does it say she treats them poorly?

You do realise I am not referring to the OP's friend dont you? I am responding to another poster, not the OP.

I’d reach out (and would have reached out at the point of her flouncing). Call her:

hey bride, just calling to see how wedding plans are going and to take you out for a nice meal as you know I can’t make Magaluf holiday… etc etc

I would avoid a text, just need to bite the bullet and reach out. She’ll be stressed and in wedding mode, be a good friend and see how she is and the call will flow naturally then. Taking her out to a spa or meal will be a nice touch to treat her as a non-hen do thing to do

Because it's not "fun". A weekend in Magaluf with a bunch of lairy drunken semi-strangers? More than likely one or more will end up falling off their poledancer shoes and have to go to hospital, have a screaming argument with the bride, and/or throw up in the shared hotel room. I'd rather stick pins in my eyes.

Your friend is not behaving like your friend she is being a brat and passive aggressive. You must stick to your plans. If you have accepted a wedding invite I’d write and ask if you’re still going to be welcomed to celebrate her happy day. Do not let her bully you. If she does not reply then send her a message saying that her silence is her answer, wish her a happy day then cut her off. You are people pleasing a drama queen. Friendship is a two way caring and honest relationship. She should understand that her expensive trip abroad will not be for everyone. She does not sound like good friend material. Good luck. Enjoy friendships with people who care and communicate honestly.

Hi OP,
I think you are getting a rough ride on here. I don't agree that you have to go on a weekend abroad with your friend when you don't want to and couldn't afford to with your partner, for example.
It's very usual for people who have a hen do abroad to also have a meal locally or something like that.

I definitely would not rock up at the wedding without checking I was still invited. To go and you no longer have a seat/meal or to be given the cold shoulder would be mortifying.

I would send your friend a message saying something like:
"As there was friction over the hen do and we have not spoken since I assume that I am no longer invited to the wedding".

If she doesn't respond then don't go.

If she says something that indicates that you are still invited I would say something like "I won't feel comfortable coming while things are strange between us - can we meet up for a coffee?" If it's fine great. If she sulks I would just tell her it's best you don't go as you are not going to be punished for not going on a hen do abroad when you can't afford it and it's not for you.

You’re allowed to say no. It’s people like your “friend” who make us feel like we can’t. Why should you spend your money, your annual leave allowance and time away from your family for a trashy boozy weekend if it’s not your thing? When did people become so entitled?

If you’ve not spoken to her in 6 months and aren’t attending the hen, why bother with the wedding? Just politely inform her that you’re no longer able to attend so she doesn’t pay for your meal unnecessarily but then just get on with your life. It’s too short to worry about these things. Learn to say no and do what makes you happy.

No way.

OP let her worry, is she worrying at this moment

It's a bit much to think that the bride's friends need to spend what will probably amount to a thousand pounds all in to "celebrate her". If they like boozy weekends abroad fine. If they don't fine.

I didn’t say to her that I just didn’t fancy it, I’m not silly. That would have been rude. I said for various reasons including childcare and cost. As part of her ‘it’s not a big ask’ exit speech she also said something along the lines of going abroad being cheaper than staying in the UK and that she didn’t buy the financial reasons/excuses people were giving.

the friendship is over, i guarantee you she sees this as a slight. I’ve had loads of chill friends who got married recently and even the most chill people take wedding slights seriously.

Too many couples now make it about that one day, throw money at it, and then it doesn’t last.

It should be about the actual marriage. Not hen nights, stag nights etc.

Just a simple celebration of two people who love each other enough to want to spend the rest of their lives together.

I was 26 when I got married and we went to Barcelona for my hen with a specific friend group then I did a meal and drinks in my hometown for a wider group who wouldn’t have wanted to go abroad.

we are now 40 and the Barcelona group have brides who are sad that people can’t afford their hen abroad but a lot has changed in 14 years!! Personally I can go as my DC are late primary but I completely understand why those with tiny babies or are scraping together a house deposit can’t go. It’s not that they don’t care they just can’t magic up the money out of nowhere!

I would reach out to her and try to talk. It would be a shame for the friendship to end over this if she’s otherwise been kind and reasonable.

I would not be going to the wedding.
like others have said, friends do not treat genuine friends like this. She is not your friend. You are only her friend on her terms. I had one like this once. Everything one sided and all sunshine and roses on her terms.

Drama of the weekend away aside...have you tried to contact her since?

Going abroad for a boozy weekend is definitely not cheaper than going for a meal out in the UK.
A hen do doesn't have to be a whole weekend, especially if some of the hens can't afford to stay away for a night or two, or have child care issues.

Flouncing out of a group is never a good look on a 30-something woman, she comes across as selfish and entitled.

I'm not excusing the bride but it may be she's stressed and had just assumed everyone would go.

I would reach out and check in with her to see how wedding plans are going and if you could meet up for a catch up. You can then judge next moves based upon what she says.

If you ask whether you're still invited, I woild suggest you'll lose her aa a friend.

I wouldn't enjoy a boozy hen weekend in Magaluf either. None of it appeals to me. Days in a group, drinking in the sun. I'd get bored and restless and I'd crave space. Too much social pressure for me...exhausting and not fun.
I wouldn't go.