AIBU to expect vegan guests to avoid preaching at shared meals?

[maxslice]

I’m a flexitarian. Meaning I have a mostly plant focused diet. But if invited to, say, a work event or a wedding or to dinner at my oldest friend’s parents house, I’ll eat a lot of salad, potatoes, and bread. Maybe even a bit of their chicken or beef roast to not cause offense or awkwardness. So, that’s my choice. I have long term dear friends who are vegans. I respect that. But I want them to contribute an appropriate dish to share with everyone if it’s that’s so important to them. That said, I think they should just eat and shut up. Do what works for them and leave other people alone. Judging and preaching at
your host and other people is bad manners. No matter how passionate you are, there’s no need for that. You don’t persuade people by bullying them. Am I wrong?

You cannot imagine anyone judging or preaching? Have you actually ever met any vegans? 🤣

Sometimes a silly label is just a silly label. No need to get all deep over it. Odd that you’ve assumed everyone cares about animal welfare and thinks animal welfare just means not eating meat though. There are 2 sides of that argument, not one. And some people just don’t care about animal welfare regardless.

I know this is MN but, whisper it, there are a lot of the not-male people who like to do exactly the same, in the same way it's the female vegans who are the most vociferous in telling the world how good they are.

I don’t think I’m the only one to have this issue judging by the comments on here. Most of my friends are lovely and the ones we socialise most with do the majority of food as vegan with some add ons.

I do have to socialise for work purposes at times so have no control over that and most of my in laws are big meat eaters

You're not a 'flexitarian'; you're omnivorous.

In almost 25 years of being vegan I have never witnessed one 'preaching'.

I have witnessed some retaliating to actions described above,like someone waving meat in their face. And I have witnessed some explaining why they are vegan, when asked. That's not preaching.

On the flip side, I have been preached at, hounded, made the centre of attention when all I wanted was to eat my food, called names, even shouted at! When someone who isn't vegan learns that I am, on so many occasions I could not count, over the last 25 years. I have been vegetarian since I was 11 too, that wasn't much better.

yes I have and no they didn't

And I agree that there's no need for the label 'flexitarian'. What does that even mean? 'I eat animal products sometimes, other times I don't'?

Like everyone else on the planet then? Some of them eat less animal secretions/flesh than you do, some eat more of it? There's no need for a label for that. It's just the norm.

If you are vegetarian every meal with others becomes a debate on what you are eating. It’s awful.

as for you OP you are a meat eater so to just say eat a little of things is not ok. I’ve been vegetarian for over 40years since I was a child. most of my main meals are vegan. I’m not going to randomly eat foods at someone’s table I’ve never even eaten as an adult.

The problem is that it undermines others and makes everyone look foolish.

So for instance if Sue calls herself a vegetarian but will eat wafer thin ham sometimes, then it makes Dave who is actually a vegetarian look extreme or picky.

And when Lucy makes Dave a ham sandwich thinking it's veggie friendly but Dave doesn't eat it, everyone gets upset.

And Pete will look at Sue and say well she eats meat but says she's a vegetarian. God, vegetarians are stupid and will serve Dave a pasta bake with wafer thin ham in it because it's all a stupid show anyway.

And that is where you end up with people having to defend themselves.

Whether you eat wafer thin ham every day or once a year, you still eat wafer thin ham. Therefore are not vegetarian. You dont need a daft name for that. If you go to a buffet and will eat the wafer thin ham then no one cares about a made up label.

Eat/don't eat what you like, I don't care. I do care if it makes my life harder though.

Yes. I've met more judgy and preachy non-vegans though. They often seem to have a lot more to say about veggie/vegan diets than the non-eat meater themself!

Yes, if I meet one more wag who thinks it's hilarious and original to ask me at a dinner party if I'm sure carrots don't scream when harvested I will stick turkey drumsticks in my eyes.

Vegetarian for more than forty years, and same.

I have encountered a remarkable number of men who seem to think that going on about how delicious bacon or steak is (or how horrible tofu is) will instantly make me change my mind.

This thread has got me thinking, especially with the comparisons to people who don’t drink, and I wonder if it all comes down to an evolutionary instinct to mistrust those who are doing something differently to the pack. Some meat eaters feel attacked by the mere existence of vegans and have to question them; perhaps it’s driven by subconscious behaviour that makes them suspicious of someone avoiding the same food.

It is the same with some people feeling attacked by a person not drinking, some people can be almost hostile about that. I remember a thread about not drinking at a work party and the OP was discussing pretending to drink just to avoid the questioning. Interestingly, even though people agreed it should be fine to not drink, many thought it was almost immoral to pretend you were as you would be tricking people into thinking you are entering the same level of inhibition as everyone else. They would effectively have an advantage. I think that’s what it comes down to sometimes, an illogical instinct that makes people think ‘what do you know about what I’m ingesting that I don’t?’

Bit of a tangent but it might explain why some meat eaters who apparently feel very confident in their choices like to harangue vegans, which is something most vegans have certainly experienced.

You mean "normal" people ?

I'm not 100% what your point is?

When and in what context have they preached?

I've been vegetarian for 40+ years and vegan for about 11. I don't preach or bang on about it - unless someone has a go at me.

I'm not militant - but am happy to explain whether its bowel cancer issues, sustainability, animal welfare.

I've we are with a group and eat out I'd hope we'd go somewhere where there is something other than risotto or where the vegan starter is the same as the vegan desert - fruit cocktail.

Generally I find Indian, Thai and Chinese restaurants are accommodating. Italian ones are a mixed bunch.

If we eat at someones' house most of our friends know we are vegan - not a problem although some worry. Generally the sort of people who invite people over for a meal are the sort who like cooking/enjoy a challenge.

If we are asked to contribute a dish then we'd make something generally acceptable, but vegan. Nothing too controversial ie a vindaloo on steroids.

If we have people over then it's vegan - but most people like to try something different, something interesting.

I agree, I was veggie for 25 years and I got sick to death of people trying to have an argument with me over it - policing what I ate. Are you allowed to eat that? And yes it was always men trying to be the smart ass.

I guess I just think that there are lots of names for lots of things, and we don't usually mind people coming up with words to create more fine-grained ways of describing things. Like I can say 'I'm an occasional runner' and no-one says 'look - either you're a runner, or you aren't, end of!'. Or I can say 'I'm a fair-weather cyclist' - and no-one says that is a silly label - it helps describe how things are in a more-detailed way than just 'I cycle' or 'I don't cycle'.
So normally we don't mind people giving fine-grained descriptions. I'm wondering why we mind in this case? Sometimes there are ideological reasons... and I'm puzzling over what it could be in this case given that a desire to reduce meat-eating (perhaps for environmental or animal welfare reasons) would have us encourage these labels. It could be around the need to protect an identity, or in-group? Or maybe as a PP says it truly is the case that someone describing themselves as a flexitarian makes it harder for other people to understand what 'vegetarian' means - but I do find this surprising given how recently the word 'flexitarian' has been coined relative to 'vegetarian'.

God, yes. I mean, I've been vegetarian since 1992. I have never had a meat craving of any kind. I'm highly unlikely to suddenly be seduced by the whiff of a rasher.

I think some people do think it's like tempting someone off a diet or something, as if by licking cream off a doughnut in front of them, they will make them think 'Fuck it, I can't resist' and fall off the wagon.

I'm not a vegan or vegetarian, mainly because my diet is so restricted anyway because of so many food intolerances. I do mainly stick to fish because I can't digest red meat.

However, I can totally understand why someone would be passionate about not eating animals. I hate how meat eaters have to justify eating meat in such an aggressive way. Why can't someone say that they eat meat even though it's incredibly cruel? Unfortunately, nature has dictated that humans are omnivores and probably need to eat meat occasionally for their health (not everyone does I know). It's still barbaric.

I was just thinking that 😄

Sounds like you have no idea of what being a Vegan is....
"But I want them to contribute an appropriate dish to share with everyone if it’s that’s so important to them. That said, I think they should just eat and shut up."
This comment you made is very judgmental, and rude, and it doesn't sound like you respect their dietary choices at all.

You are not a "flexitarian" you're an omnivore who eats a healthy diet.

I am a vegan. I do not preach. If people ask me why I am vegan I explain my reasons, they then usually get offended by something I am saying because it "makes them look or feel bad" and they go on the attack trying to convince me that I am wrong and that I should eat meat. I now no longer get involved in these conversations, as it is a waste of time.
I am also intolerant of meat, so it makes me really ill when I do consume it. Either way I personally think that slaughtering innocent animals is wrong. That's my view. I do not judge others that eat meat, yet people constantly judge my dietary choices.

If I get invited to dinner at the home of friends or family that aren't vegan, I take my own vegan alternative or dish that I can eat.

Your responses to people on this threat make you seem quite argumentative, defensive, and judgemental. I have a feeling that these people aren't preachy at all, you're just taking it to heart, and maybe a little jealous that you're "flexitarian" and not actually vegan?

how is it you know so many vegans that so many of them are preachy???

I know around 5, none of which are preachy.

"If I get invited to dinner at the home of friends or family that aren't vegan, I take my own vegan alternative or dish that I can eat."

If I invite vegans to my home for a meal, we either all eat vegan, or there will be an alternative. Eg for Christmas, I will make a vegan "main" bit and ensure there is vegan gravy available/made and that most, if not all, side bits are vegan.

It just good manners/hosting to provide a meal for your guest.

Maybe it's easier for me, becaus we we have combos of gluten free, dairy free and vegans in the immediate family - So I'm used to making "free from" meals :)

In my experience it is always men who make comments about eating a nice juicy bit of flesh but I have never heard a man call himself a flexitarian. That's a term that seems to be exclusively for females who eat meat whilst trying to pretend they eat very little of it because of veganuary and vegan being a trend rather than any moral or ethical issues