AIBU to expect vegan guests to avoid preaching at shared meals?

[maxslice]

I’m a flexitarian. Meaning I have a mostly plant focused diet. But if invited to, say, a work event or a wedding or to dinner at my oldest friend’s parents house, I’ll eat a lot of salad, potatoes, and bread. Maybe even a bit of their chicken or beef roast to not cause offense or awkwardness. So, that’s my choice. I have long term dear friends who are vegans. I respect that. But I want them to contribute an appropriate dish to share with everyone if it’s that’s so important to them. That said, I think they should just eat and shut up. Do what works for them and leave other people alone. Judging and preaching at
your host and other people is bad manners. No matter how passionate you are, there’s no need for that. You don’t persuade people by bullying them. Am I wrong?

Yanbu for if there was actual "preaching" or judginess but some people are so super-sensitive that they consider someone saying "no thanks, I'm vegan" or "is this dip vegan?" which are perfectly reasonable to say, as if they were preaching/judging rather than just trying to get fed. On another thread, a MNer was directly accused of "preaching" just because she asked fellow sharers of a takeaway not to use the same spoon for meat dishes and vegan dishes to avoid meat juices getting mixed in. So what did the vegan actually do in order to prompt you starting this thread. Did they actually tell you all off for earing meat and animal products? Or just make requests to ensure that some of the food would be available for them to eat?

For those people objecting to the term “flexitarian” it can be a useful label when confronted with the astonishment of friends, family and colleagues when I choose a vegetarian main at a restaurant rather than a meat/fish course.

”I didn’t know you had gone vegetarian!” is the usual comment. I explain, it’s possible to enjoy vegetarian food and that’s what I fancy.

The reply is usually then: “but we’re out! At a restaurant! The meat is better value and it tastes nice! I mean, this is a steak restaurant why on earth wouldn’t you eat steak?”

At which point I usually shrug and change the subject rather than explaining my various health conditions that mean if I ate an entire steak is be unwell for three days.

I enjoy eating meat and fish, but for environmental and really important health reasons (pancreatic issues) I will generally indulge in it only when it is inconvenient not to eg at a dinner party or when I’ve made bolognese for the family and don’t want to open a whole jar of pesto but I need a little bit of “something” to go with my pasta and broccoli!

Unless you are “fully vegetarian/vegan” you really cannot tell a host you’d prefer not to eat their meat course. No one gets it and it does create an atmosphere if you explain meat makes you unwell or you had meat a few days ago so none today thanks.

Okay. I see that my post has set things off. I DID say I encourage people who are vegan to bring an appropriate dish if they’re unsure about options. I DON’T expect everyone to do as I do if I’m someone’s guest. I do have friends who gave gave me a hard time about having a turkey at Christmas. They were very judgmental and they weren’t even at the meal. I never question their choices for themselves, that would be rude. I’d just like them to be as courteous to me. I should have known better than to post on Mumsnet where people entertain themselves by ignoring nuance and attacking strangers. I’m done. Say what you want to say. I’m not going to defend myself to people who want to pick a fight.

Yanbu they on the other hand are rude and I wouldn't invite them back they can keep the opinions to themselves or don't come

Why all the hate for the flexitarian term. The ‘normal’ western diet is meat every day or with most meals. A diet where the person actively tries to only eat animal protein by exception is not the ‘standard’ so is worthy of its own term.

Boring. As I said earlier in the thread, they’ll give their dietary preferences for practical reasons and be accused of preaching or going on about it… Most vegans don’t walk around all day every day going on and on about veganism.

I’m so glad to see push back again the lazy stereotype of the preachy vegan from people who eat meat. Most people don’t want to go on about their dietary preferences and it’s such bullshit to pretend that vegans doing this is common.

Deal with it. Unlike some, I don’t spend all my time in Mumsnet.

Some of these comments are a great example of what actually happens. Meat eater puts forward a judgemental opinion which actually promotes their own dietary choice, which a vegan then responds to. Headline: oh vegans are so preachy!

I did NOT quote the old joke, I spoke from lived experience.

I see that my post has set things off.

Just like you planned for it too. It’s boring.

Oh everyone preaches-that’s the new form of conversation- people lose weight and they preach about how they did it, they go on holiday to a location they love and they preach about how much better it is than any other holiday, people preach about their wild swimming, their exercise routine, their flexi work hours and how they make it work, their school choices, their pet choices. Just change the subject!!

Some people just come here to be goady. Try Netflix if you’re bored instead.

This. The only thing I would “preach” about would be if someone dipped their fork which had been used for meat in a communal dish bypassing the serving spoon.

No they don’t. This is such an old ‘joke’ and incredibly unfunny, as well as untrue. As a meat-eater, I cringe so much when people say this.

If she's happy to eat meat then why does it matter what she eats when she's in her own home? Why is that relevant?

Her post makes it sound like she might be expecting her veggie and vegan friends to also eat meat, to avoid making things awkward. But it's hard to know as she's been incredibly vague about what her friends have done to upset her. And predictably, it's prompted all the usual anti vegan posts. So I don't think it's surprising that it's winding vegetarian and vegan readers up.

@maxslice

yep, you’re wrong.

some people seem to think a meal isn’t a meal without meat 😬

we eat far too much meat and dairy products in the UK. It’s unnecessary and means animal welfare is shit.

people are not unreasonable to point this out .

Soz

That says more about you than people who are vegan. Otherwise you'd see that 'vegan food' is just normal food that everyone eats. Like the list helpfully posted by @Snoken

Beans, carrots, onion, oats, potatoes, blueberries, lentils, couscous, rice, you know, normal food that everyone eats. Because people are omnivores and some choose to not eat animal products.

But if you're hosting a group meal where there's vegans in attendance as well as people who like to label themselves as special because they're more special than the thickos who would expire from protein deficiency if faced with a meal without meat are omnivores, why don't you just make a mostly vegan meal, with the possible addition of some meat or dairy?

Eg falafels, hummus, salads, breads and maybe some chicken.

Two or three different vegetable/pulse curries, samosas and/or bhajis, salads, bread and perhaps some marinated paneer.

Vegetable and bean fajitas or tacos, maybe with some cheese as well as salads and guacamole.

Normal, widely enjoyed food that is mostly vegan and not special weirdy factory UPF.

YABU if you expect vegans or vegetarians to eat chicken. My family is entirely vegetarian and vegan. No one preaches and if needed/asked we'll happily turn up with extra food.

I'm not what you're classifying as preaching.

That’s exactly what happened on a thread recently and the OP was told by some people that she was smug, lecturing and being precious amongst other things. It was nice to see the OP getting support from people who eat meat on the whole though. Most people are reasonable, some provoke and make stuff up.

Preachy people are preachy about their favourite topic. One friend goes on and on about not wearing makeup and is positively performative about how great a feminist she is because she doesn’t wear lipstick. It’s beyond tedious. Preaching is a character flaw, nothing to do with veganism.

I recently posted what happened. Your question is valid. However, in light of the other responses, I am no longer going to respond to any Mumsnet snark.

I'm vegan and feel preaching is counter productive and rude so they were wrong in that.
However, you're an omnivore and using the word flexitarean is a bit ridiculous.

I’d tell you the science disagrees and a whole-food plant-based diet is one of the healthiest you could have, I could also point out that it’s not a health choice but an ethical one and so even if it was less healthy vegans wouldn’t care as that’s not the point, but I’m not allowed to say anything as that would make me preachy. You on the other hand are permitted to the make ignorant pronouncements on other people’s diets without attracting that label. This is what actually happens in real life.

I never said I was vegan.