AIBU to expect vegan guests to avoid preaching at shared meals?

[maxslice]

I’m a flexitarian. Meaning I have a mostly plant focused diet. But if invited to, say, a work event or a wedding or to dinner at my oldest friend’s parents house, I’ll eat a lot of salad, potatoes, and bread. Maybe even a bit of their chicken or beef roast to not cause offense or awkwardness. So, that’s my choice. I have long term dear friends who are vegans. I respect that. But I want them to contribute an appropriate dish to share with everyone if it’s that’s so important to them. That said, I think they should just eat and shut up. Do what works for them and leave other people alone. Judging and preaching at
your host and other people is bad manners. No matter how passionate you are, there’s no need for that. You don’t persuade people by bullying them. Am I wrong?

I hear this about vegans but have never experienced it in real life. Not once.

However, I think it’s basic politeness to cater for the guests actually coming to the meal, so I’m surprised at whoever it is who is inviting vegans and not making food they can eat. I don’t find that sort of thing hard at all.

And I don’t think it’s for you to make hosts comfortable by eating chicken or beef if you’d rather be vegetarian! To me that’s the odd part.

Obviously no one needs to bang on about it - albeit I’ve never experienced this - but you shouldn’t have to eat things you consider ethically wrong just to people please.

Edit - I’m pescatarian (which I realise is an unsound ethical position) and like you I’m happy just to eat the side dishes/ bread when I’m a guest if nothing non-meat is going/ the people haven’t realised etc, but equally I wouldn’t just eat the meat, that’s the bit I find odd.

As a vegan, you are NOT being unreasonable

Wat do?

I’ve never heard a vegan preach, I’ve only heard people say they do, along with meat eaters who make animal noises to wind up vegans and stuff like that.

There was a thread on here recently where a vegan had been very reasonable at a family meal and some posters were insisting she was being unreasonable. Someone said something about her being smug and lecturing which wasn’t the case. I think some meat eaters like to pretend lots of vegans preach when it’s not true.

If it’s true this time, tell them you don’t want to talk to argue about it.

I think people who bang on about their beliefs / opinions, whatever they are, are annoying and rather rude. We all know why people become vegan, we don't need to be told every time we sit down to eat with them.

But I do think asking only your vegan guests to bring food that can be shared is unreasonable. If you want food brought, everyone should bring food. I don't think vegan dishes are hard to prepare but if you do, maybe you should meet your vegan friends at restaurants. TBH if I had vegan friends who I wanted to invite to my home for a meal I would make life easy for myself and make that meal wholly vegan. Non-vegan guests are not going to suffer any ill effects from one meal without animal products. Having said that, the vegans wouldn't be invited every time.

Exactly

Question:
“How do you know if someone’s Vegan?”

Answer:
”Oh don’t worry, they’ll tell you…”

I think some meat eaters like to pretend lots of vegans preach when it’s not true.

I dont think "lots" of vegans are like this but I have met the odd one who is. Why wouldnt I?- vegans are just humans like everyone else in the world - some are lovely, some are quiet and unassuming, some are boorish and preachy. You will find that range of personality types in any area of life. Veganism is a somewhat restrictive way of eating so the people attracted to that very disciplined way of life are probably more likely to be quite passionate about the cause in the first place.

I think it’s a lazy stereotype of vegans. Years ago when veganism was relatively rare I did come across a preaching vegan who wore a “vegan” cap so I know they definitely exist however most just get on with it. When they declare their dietary preferences for practical reasons, people for some reason take this to mean they’re preaching… I don’t know why people are so set against them.

I was vegan for a while, been vegetarian since I was around 12. I don’t make a song and dance out of it or even think about it, it’s just so normal in my life now. Some people raise it when I’m eating at social events and I’ve almost forgotten about it so I’m surprised they’ve brought it up. It isn’t important to me.

Flexitarian is a thing, definitely.

in my case it means that when I’m choosing my first preference is vegan followed by veggie.

but if I’m invited to someone’s house I’ll eat whatever they are kind enough to cook. I’m delighted if beans or lentils are available but if it’s roast beef being served then I’ll eat it.

That’s why I said some meat eaters like to pretend LOTS of vegans preach when it’s not true, hence all the ‘jokes’ about how do you know someone is a vegan etc. Some people pretend it’s common when it’s not. Even when someone I know was telling me about a ‘preachy vegan’ it turned out that they as a meat eater started the provocation and then was annoyed the vegan answered back. The answering back made them a preachy vegan. 🤯

What are you on about, @maxslice? You haven't been specific about what these preachy vegans actually said.

Been vegetarian for over 20 years .
I wouldn't eat meat just to please my hostess .
But I would ask to see the package of shop bought items to check that the item is veggie i.e the dessert has no gelatine in ( if they can't confirm )

But of course I don't go as far as ask if no cross contamination has taken place in the kitchen via chopping boards , knives etc
Having said that I wouldn't expect roast potatoes served to me to have been cooked in animal fat or roasted around meat .

I wouldn't sit in someone's house and tell them they should not be eating something .

Perhaps it feels like "lots" because being vegan isnt super common, so if you happen to meet a preachy one it "feels" like a higher percentage of vegans you know are preachy.

I know lots of vegetarians for example, but very few vegans

This is so twatty - I am sure there are vegans who do this, just like there are many meat eaters who talk about their diets but for most vegans, myself included, the only time I talk about it is if it comes up in conversation. It's literally what I choose to eat, I don't feel any better or worse than anyone else for this, and it's probably the least interesting thing about me.

I think it more likely that it doesn’t happen often at all, or like in the case I mentioned, it’s actually provoked.

Exactly. Much huffing and puffing but no specifics, other than that generally imaginary phenomenon, the Preachy Vegan. As distinct from the OP, the Person So Uncommitted They Eat Chicken or Beef So As Not to Offend the Host?

Being vegan is very self indulgent in my view. No evidence it's healthy and a lot of shop bought vegan products are ultra processed

I think you are being unreasonable if you think they should just stop being vegan when they come to your house.

But you are not being unreasonable if you ask them to bring their own main course.

Some vegans may proselytise like this, zealous in trying to save animals in the same way that some religious people are about saving souls, but I don’t know many who act like that.

I am vegan. It comes up often as a topic around food, in the context of what I can eat and nothing else, and what I find is that meat eaters are curious and start asking questions. Some like to be more challenging with the questions, as some people do take someone else’s veganism as some kind of attack on their own choices. I’ve therefore talked about why I’m vegan around food before but I’ve definitely never just started off on one! I can sit around with close family who are eating meat and there’s no problem or discussion for example, because no one is bringing it up.

YABU for starting a thread with a very contentious question, while giving no examples of what your vegan friends actually did or said, and then disappearing.

It sounds like you think your attitude is superior to that of your vegan friends because you're flexible enough to eat chicken or beef. If that's what you're secretly expecting your friends to do then I think you're being very unreasonable.

As other people have said, if you don't like cooking for your vegan friends (which seems very odd given that you mostly eat a plant based diet yourself) then just meet them in restaurants or do something else to socialise with them instead. Or just don't be friends with them, if you don't really like them.

Obviously YANBU that a guest invited to dinner shouldn't preach at their hosts or other invited guests.

However I'm unsure if you think that everyone should eat whatever they are given in order to be polite rather than expecting hosts to accomodate eg vegan guests by offering an apporpriate dish? That would be U to expect everyone to "flex" their dietary decisions so much.

If invited to dinner at a non vegan's house, guests should gently flag their dietary choices and offer to bring a dish.

Oh look, a goady post by someone who then doesn't come back to the thread. How tedious

Any diet which is mainly UPFs is unhealthy though - personally I never eat them.
I'm not sure how you would define a healthy diet but I am, to be the best of my knowledge, healthy. I have no idea why people choosing a particular way to eat bothers people so much.

I would agree it probably doesnt happen "often". Hence why I said it feels like its often if you only meet one person who does it.

I find it amazing people care what others eat. If I'm out at a restaurant I barely register what other people are eating

Bloody frustrating.

I hate what MN has become. I miss the humour and proper debates of yesteryear.

Also, why would you invite someone to your house knowing their dietary preferences and not cater for them, That's just bad hosting.