AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

[Wededed]

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

That’s not the same. You’re going to lie about it. That’s a massive difference.

Hmm where to start.

You have ummed & ahhhd about getting married for years, but now you have !assets' you've decided ur must be done immediately.

What 'protection' do you think it'll give your kids that a will wouldn't?

you'll have to lie to your kids, your parents, everyone FOREVER about the date of your marriage, being careful not to let them see any forms with your official wedding date on (& it comes up more than you might imagine)
your kids will be lying whenever they need to put your wedding date on anything.

you'll have to lie about your anniversary every year, including the big ones.

you're not young kids starting out, desperate to be together, to get married,to declare you love & say your vows jn front of your family & fruends. you're doing it for perceived practical reasons, why do you need to save family money for two years to be a princess for the day?

Just get married and have a small celebration then a big one in two years!

All these secrets and lies. I'm 53 and grew up with secrets and lies as my mother always wanted one side of the family to know or not know something. It's exhausting and pointless and you worry more about tripping yourself up.

We got married then 2 years later had a party in my home country to celebrate. No-one cares!

I would support this, as a guest. You’re entitled to protect your families best interests whilst also wanting the wedding that works for you. It’s not really anyone else’s business. People renew their vows all the time, how is this any different? You do you.
If heaven forbid, anything happened between the two weddings, everyone would be saying how sensible your decision was.

Personally I’d just marry now with a smaller do and forget 2028. But I’m very much marriage is a legal contract and not fussed re a big wedding, I had a small wedding 25 years ago zero regrets.
I think by point you’ve got 2 kids and an established life the ship has sailed on a big wedding but accept that’s perhaps an old fashioned view.

So so weird people saying they would be annoyed as a guest

Weddings are a ritualisfic celebration of love and union with a great party attached. That's why we go to them...to see people we love and have fun !.

I got married two years before I had a wedding it's not even unusual .

Ha just us then.
My DC are at that age where they are invited to lots of weddings of friends. They view each one as a loss of a weekend. I have one this year and I might enjoy the ceremony but not looking forward to an afternoon and evening of socialising.

Do it. I wouldn’t tell a soul, could you not even get 2 strangers or colleagues to witness it? I initially voted YABU but actually it doesn’t harm anyone so why not??

I think lots of posters will have been to a wedding like this where the couple did a small registry office legal bit, just that most of them perhaps didn’t realise.

You're waaaay too concerned about what other people might think, especially people you don't like very much. If your parents are nightmarish, get married without them and don't give another thought to how they might respond to any kind of wedding. Your priority should be regulating your situation legally, especially as you have children. Everything else is just the frills. It would be completely mad to continue to put off a wedding you've already postponed for six or seven years because of more humming and hawing.

@Wededed I had a Catholic Church wedding so a ‘real’ wedding but if I was going down your route, I’d do what works for my family and get the legalities sorted. However, if you’re anything like me OP, I think that once I was legally married in secret I’m pretty sure I’d end up sacking off the 2028 wedding altogether now the deed was done and use the money on a fabulous holiday, new car, deposit on house whatever but not a wedding.

Personally I’d simply do a small intimate wedding now - take the kids and a couple of close friends/family and get married either in the UK or at a luxury hotel overseas - something the kids would enjoy, remember and that would be meaningful for all of you. All the rest is a money milking exercise that doesn’t really give value for money as photographers etc just rip you off for an album you genuinely won’t look at more than half a dozen times in the subsequent 15 years (believe me).

The priority for me would be making a meaningful gesture in front of my children and selected family/witnesses and securing our position legally so that if anything happened to either of us, my spouse/children are more protected.

All the rest is just tens of thousands down the drain.

Loss of a weekend 🤣

How annoying being invited to eat, drink and be merry with your loved ones!

What fun sponges 🧽 If you don’t like the people getting married, just decline the invitation….

Yes, as a PP pointed out, I bet there's earlier availability for venues when you go outside the May-September band.

How big of an event do you really need? Do you really need to save and organize for two more years? I’d say just get married in six months to a year , that’ll leave you enough time to sort out a wedding. Make it fit your budget and time frame. I got married 8 months after engagement and had plenty of time to arrange for a wedding of 80 guests. Also, are you sure if won’t just ruin the wedding for yourself too if you’ve already been married for years by then? Maybe you’ll just feel like what’s the point by the time you get there.

Same - I bloody love a wedding! I don't care if it's a wedding party after couple eloped or the full shebang. You want me to get dolled up, have a knees up and spend the day with friends and family? Sounds joyful to me!

Outfits
Possibly also hair/make up
travel
accommodation
holiday/unpaid leave from work
child &/or pet care
drinks at the reception at wedding venue prices

it doesn't matter what the B&G spend per head, that doesnt reimburse the guests.

I’d be annoyed if I’d been lied to. If you are doing the 2028 plan you need to be clear it’s a blessing or celebration party.
I went to a wedding years ago. It was in a tent outside (was before law changed and you needed to legally marry in a permanent structure) I can remember sitting there waiting for it to start and saying to dh this isn’t legal.
The humanist celebrant said something like A& B legally married on Friday but they consider this to be their wedding day. They obviously hadn’t told anyone and there was a noticeable deflation in atmosphere and a wtf type response. It was a few years ago so maybe times have changed but I’ve never forgotten it.

Why do it at all then. Is it the gifts - it can’t be to get family and friends together as you will have two christmases and countless opportunities between now and then to do that

Gosh..nice friends they are. Honestly, what would the count as a not lost weekend? Sitting at home watching tv? I get it that you need those weekends as well, but how sad to think that about weddings of people who assumably are meant to be good friends. I just can’t understand this attitude that seems to be common these days.

Two years seems a pretty excessive time to wait.. unless it is completely crucial for saving purposes. I think the longer you give yourselves to plan, the more you end up spending, you keep spotting extra bits and pieces which you then decide you simply must have! I got engaged in the November and married the following July. That was perfect, we had to be efficient and the excitement didn’t wane, nor did the planning phase feel endless. Ultimately of course it’s your choice!
With all that being said, I wouldn’t do anything secretly. If it were me, I’d get married this autumn in a small ceremony with just the children and, say, parents and siblings/their children. Maybe a best friend or two. I wouldn’t keep it secret then I’d throw a wedding party (no service then as it would feel a bit performative for me!) the next year, late summer perhaps? Could that be a middle ground?

Why wouldn't you save yourself the time and lying and just legally draw up a will/document to divide assets? It's the same thing without getting married.

A loss of a weekend to see a good friend get married ?? Wow that is such a sad attitude and not something I've ever heard in real.life.

I hope they refuse the invitation and let the place go yo someone less cynical.

Look - we wanted to get married so we would all have matching names on the birth certificate when baby was born (I was 8.5 months prego when we did it!) but couldn't afford a big wedding - not in money or time or stress which I didn't want being so pregnant! So we had 2 witnesses and went for a lovely celebration lunch at a Michelin-starred restaurant for the 4 of us (I didn't get to drink the champagne but the rest of them made up for it!).

I then changed my name and relationship status on FB and posted a new profile pic of us on the day. That was how I announced it to everyone (after telling our parents!).

5 years later we had a 'renewal of vows' that our family, friends and kids attended - it actually meant more 5 years on - and we had a party in a nearby venue. I didn't even say it was a wedding party because we all know they hike costs up for weddings. We already had most things we needed so we didn't ask for presents but people brought loads of nice booze ;)

You can do whatever you want to do but like everyone else said, why lie to your nearest and dearest?!

This ^^.

You didn't need to point out that you're a millennial🙄🤣