AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

[Wededed]

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

You can absolutely do both - but be honest and upfront about it.

You've had 6-7 years of engagement to save up. You're all worried about "legally protecting the children" but if you were that concerned you'd have had a civil ceremony or wedding before they were born. It's obviously more about the flashy ceremony/dress/optics for Insta if you're willing to lie for 2 years.

In fairness , weddings and activities around them can often be expensive for guests. New outfits, travel, gifts, hotel stays, stag/hen dos.

I don't see any problem with you having a small private wedding now followed by na celebration/party Inna couple of years but why keep it a secret? Just tell people what you are doing.
A small private wedding is perfectly ok but I would be extremely upset and confused if one of my children or close family or friends got married and didn't tell me.

Ive been to two weddings where the couples didnt legally get married on the date. Both due to their own administrative errors but they did legally sign the docs a few days later.
Personally I also got married legally in the morning at a registry office and had my wedding in the PM as where our "wedding" was was not a place we could get married.
However in all cases it wasnt a secret and 18months + later is a bit

Elope or quick civil ceremony asap for the legal protections.

Book a party fot whenever you want to 1 year, 2 years whatever - a celebration of love if you will, (even redo your vows if you like), but don't call it a wedding. Because it's not.

Until now that is what we had. With insurances in trust to ensure the house balance was covered whilst we were unmarried (we had little equity and no kids at that point).

Due to the equity we have now built in the house and our businesses it’s too much to leave on the table so hence the worry about being hit by a bus.

We have family who had the big wedding party a year after their legal bit. Was not impressed.
if you want the legal protection but can’t afford the big party then you need to cut your cloth.

What's your priority?

I find it so weird anyone would care about this. The part of a wedding I enjoy is the public commitment, celebration and opportunity for families and friends of both sides to all meet each other. I’ve never got any kind of a kick out of seeing legal paperwork completed.

If the wedding ceremony isn't important (which is much more than just signing the register), what's if all about? The idea is to make your vows in front if famiky & friends & for people to celebrate that.

it's not about a pretty dress, flowers & confetti.

if it's not important to you to make your vows in front uf your family & friends, that's fine, but don't trick them into spending money & time so you can be a princess for a day.

Why should we not be able to have the wedding we want just because we have children we need to protect legally.

You can't have the wedding you want right now because the venue isn't available/you can't afford it! But you can protect your children legally within the next few weeks and still have your full wedding (minus the legal bits) in 2028, and I'm sure family and friends would be fine about it

This is 2026!

I am a millennial and have had a roof to buy and children to birth. Dear lord 😂

I personally would be pretty peeved if I went to all the effort of clothes for my family, hotels, travel , presents etc etc and then discovered the couple had been married for 2 years.
Do what you want but don’t call it a wedding 2 years later !

Not unreasonable at all. It's a lovely idea. Small and secret then do a big party in a couple of years with all the guests and razzle dazzle if you want it.

Our friends had a wonderful wedding abroad and there were a couple of elderly family members who couldn't go. But in secret, well before this full-on overseas do, the couple went to a registry office with just those elderly relatives who acted as the witnesses, had a meal out with them and photos then kept that little delicious secret. I thought it was lovely.

You're right that the legal side of the marriage is important, especially when you share property and finances. Get that done and then you can take your time planning the perfect day to share with your wider family and friends.

People are weird about weddings on MN. In the real world, lots of people don't get legally married at the wedding- maybe the venue isn't licensed, or the wedding is abroad.

The weird part would be lying about it. I have friends who had to cancel their big wedding in Covid and have a social distanced ceremony at the register office with two witnesses- they then had a big party when they could. Nobody cared and everyone was just happy to celebrate.

I suppose some people might not be impressed and not attend, but I would imagine that would be a very small minority.

But the paperwork is the actual public commitment. Thaya the point if no return!

just seeing people say vows is nice but no actual commitment there!

TBH, I wouldn't be too bothered about going to a fake wedding where they'd been married for 2 years already. A few days or a couple of weeks is fine - lots of people do that. But 2 years? Unless it was really convenient for me, I wouldn't make much effort to be there. It's not your special day, so why would I?

But a Covid affected wedding was different, i don’t think many people would’ve minded a post covid wedding party.

That might be your experience but it's not mine. I've never been to a wedding that isn't actually a wedding.
I only some people who have but in those cases the actual wedding was in a register office the day or two before not two years previously . The only time the wedding celebration was more than a couple of days after the actual wedding was during covid and that was because of lockdown laws.

What difference does it make it if its the day before or two years before?

It’s the lying that’s so weird with this. Also having kids and saving for a house don’t stop you from getting married or sorting your wills out. None of these things is expensive of you just want the paperwork in place. You should know from the endless posts on here that women with kids who aren’t married are absolutely shafted if their partner fucks off. Being a millennial doesn’t save you from that. From a legal POV you need to get married/civil partnership asap.

Neither have I .

I wouldn't bother with a wedding party 10 years after getting engaged. If you really want a party then have one, but don't pretend it's a wedding.

In this instance the guests used annual leave, paid flights and accommodation and holiday spends for a glorified party?!? And they didn’t even know that’s what they were doing in the first instance- they believed it was a wedding but the secret wedding had already taken place!! That’s awful!