AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

[Wededed]

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

It’s lying that’s weird, like why keep it secret for 2 years? Is that to ensure they still get gifts? It’s weird to lie about something so normal for so long anywhere, not just on mumsnet

I wouldn't like the feeling that I'd been lied to for 2 years. I wouldn't mind if you got married now and invited me to a big party in 2 years time. I'd go to a party for any occasion or none. But don't tell me it's your wedding when it's not. That just makes me feel a bit foolish.

But most people wouldn't wear wedding rings until the actual "wedding", the one with a wedding dress, and family and friends.

The registry civil is just a formality and doesn't count for them. (it does count legally, which is the only reason to get it over and done with)

So that's not lying?

It is lying. And it’s not just rings it’s not changing your name for 2 years to keep the secret

Your reasons are totally logical.

You want the legal protection now, and you want the excitement and anticipation of planning your big day. Both of those things are valid.

Do both, just don't pretend for 2 years.

This. Be honest about what you're doing and I suspect most people would be fine about it

It has honestly never occurred to me to even wonder if a couple getting "married" at the wedding, actually has gone through the legal bits in advance.

If they have an actual wedding, go the registry office but with family and friends, then have a wedding celebration, a party.. then yes it would be weird.

In and out the registry office? It's not a wedding!

Is that to ensure they still get gifts?no, that's you being miffed about being a gift for people you are supposed to like. No one gets married for "the gifts"😂
The wedding costs more than the gifts you receive.

You'll have to lie to your kids forever more & ensure they don't ever see any paperwork with your wedding date on it.

your 'big' anniversaries will always be a lie. You'll have to lie to everyone, always, about how long you've been married.
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Just because you want 'a big wedding party'

imo saving gut another two years to spend it in a one day party is a huge waste of money that could he better spent.

id just get married now & have the wedding/reception you can afford now.

In response to why have one in 2028;

Because for many years we have ummed and ahhed about what to do. Never done anything for various reasons. We recently saw a venue which is local and would work perfectly.

I can now clearly envisage a beautiful wedding which we can afford and I want to celebrate the family we have made.

I am quite excited about it. But nervous that holding out will be a risk to our children if anything were to happen. That is not ok in my eyes.

Why should we not be able to have the wedding we want just because we have children we need to protect legally.

so they wait to exchange rings and change name until they have the actual WEDDING they have booked and are planning.

Hardly a lie then.

if it bothers you that much, then don't go.

Or make people swear that they are not married when you are invited somewhere 😂

The question is, why lie about it though?

Just worry about getting married, not the wedding. Do registry iffice and a small dinner afterwards.
A gathering of friends if you like.
Weddings are a major faff to organise and, as you say, expensive.
Can you throw a party for a big birthday or your 1 year wedding anniversay?

Yes it would just be DP and I and our two best friends as witnesses.

Is that true? Not really. TWO years though? With the white dress etc? I’d assume you were just greedy fuckers after the presents and that’s why you l’d bother. I really wouldn’t be happy to be lied too either… if you’re going to do it then be upfront, but I’d expect a lot of ‘sorry can’t make it’ for the ‘wedding’.
I’m not buying going to a hen or stag do, buying a new outfit, paying for travel and presents, and a hotel, and drinks at the bar etc for a fake wedding!

Fine keeping it secret then. It’s an unnecessary secret if you don’t want to call it a lie. What’s the point?

Get married, protect your children, envisage a different venue - one available now-ish!

Yes I agree with this.

That makes no sense. There be attending believing it was the actual wedding. When in fact it's just a fake an excuse for a party & presents, a huge expense for guests.

I don’t see why it’s anyone’s business - I wouldn’t keep it a secret though. Have a small wedding at the registry office. Book your venue and send save the dates for 2028. It’s not that strange, lots of people send a save the date 12 months ahead - you would just be sending it 18 months ahead.

Have the full blown wedding you want in 2028! Life is too short to adjust your plans based on what guests want. They don’t have to come - you’ll save money if they don’t after all!

If you get married then you’re married. Anything else is a party or weird renewal of vows. It isn’t a wedding so don’t say it is and expect people to respond

It just seems kind of childish, the tricking people. Is it so you don't lose out on decent wedding presents? Or so u have a fairytale pretend wedding? ... Just seems bizarre really

Also, what’s the huge expense people talk of to attend a wedding? The bride and groom spend far more typically per head hosting you!

Why can’t you get wills made up to product you all for now?

Do registry office and a small dinner afterwards.

We don’t want to do that.

My parents are a nightmare. A small registry with them as a major percentage of the attendees is a miserable affair.

We also considered eloping and announcing. Partly because of the nightmare family element. I don’t want to do that either because I felt for a long time elopement was our only option. That felt forced and that took the fun and romance out of it. They would simultaneously also see that as an affront to batter us with whilst taking pleasure that we didn’t get our day. They are not nice people which is partly why I am so keen to celebrate our little family and all those who do care about us.

Why don't you have your small wedding now and plan a big party (NOT a wedding) for 2028?

FWIW I know someone who did this and a lot of the attendees were really quite annoyed. They felt short-changed and the people who had contributed money or other things (champagne etc) for the wedding were royally pissed off.