AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

[Wededed]

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

This wouldn’t bother me as I guest but I’d consider it a bit strange and a waste of your money. I think the best suggestion you’ve had is to have a civil partnership now and get married in 2028.

This is coming across like you want to “have your cake and eat it too?” You want all the fuss and expense of a big day that involves a year or more of planning, but you want to be married immediately.

It’s not okay to get married in secret and then two years down the line have a wedding as if you’re not already married - just because you still want all the attention as if you are a new bride. For the rest of your life you’d be celebrating big anniversaries on the wrong year and it’s just a weird thing to do to your respective families?

I might’ve been more sympathetic if you hadn’t have been sniffy and rude about simple registry office weddings. You just sound very very immature to be honest. Good luck to your groom 🤷🏽‍♂️

I completely understand your reasons for not wanting to wait any longer, you've already waited a long time.
Personally I'd just get married quietly, in whatever way you can afford now. With your family and closest friends present. Then in X years, if you still want a big party/wedding do a vow renewal or big anniversary party and go for it.
Otherwise you're going to have to lie to your children, family and friends and they will find out eventually. These things rarely stay a secret. There will be very pissed off people who will not forgive you.
If you want to get married and it's important to you, do it. Don't wait, and don't lie.

I did just that. Had booked the church for the next year. Then got pregnant so had a word with the vicar who was happy for us to have the 'wedding' in church where we would go into the registry(after the baby was born) just to sign the register and had photos in there etc. No one had any idea but my baby was born in 'Wedlock. What does it matter if youre already legally married if all the friends and family you wanted to share the BIG day with were invited to the 'Blessing' a couple of years later. And no we didn't tell anyone and as far as I know there were no spiteful comments or bad feelings. I dont understand why friends or family would be pissed off being invited to the Blessing of your wedding 2 yrs later....its clear youre not doing it for the gifts as it costs a lot more to put on a wedding! Actually we mentioned on the invites that as we already had a house, no presents were needed, just wanted to share the day with loved ones. Go for it!! abd Good Luck to you all.

I got married in a registry office then had a party. Do that instead.

But weddings are always a difficult one for family as people feel obliged to go. I’m surprised that there are so many women with main character syndrome that they have to lie to people to get them to come to a party

You’ll have the small ceremony and then in two years time wouldn’t even want to do a big celebration because you’d have been married already for so many years and will think what’s the point in spending so much money! Don’t spend so much money on a big celebration! I did it and regret it, spend that money on like 8 holidays or down payment for a house!

Honestly you have kids and a home already. Elope and have a party afterward.

Not sure if this has already been posted (lots of posts) but the law has changed and you can have a civil partnership now.

Weird. Just get married.

Absolutely. OP insists her family will be upset whatever she does but most other guests won't care. So why not just be honest? Rather than risk offending some who won't mind that they are having a celebration 2 years after the marriage but might mind that they're being made fools of.

My DD and DSIL married in DSIL's home town just at the end of Covid restrictions.Only immediate family cd be present. It was sweet and lovely. Extremely low-key.
Two years later, using money they'd saved + that gifted from parents, DD & DSIL organised a lake-side beach party, with outstanding barbecue-and-buffet-food providers, a great band and a (really good) karaoke. It started early afternoon and went on till v. late. People came from all over. Everyone had a fab time. It was a wonderful celebration of friends & family, from each side, coming together. No wedding gifts were expected. The presence of guests, many of whom travelled from different countries & paid for their travel & accommodation, was enough. Next day, back at DD & DSIL's house, there was open-house breakfast for anyone still around, using up left-overs from the party + fresh croissants, with lots of coffee, generally hanging out quietly, gossiping and exchanging, in the house and in the garden. It was lovely.

Maybe this could be a model for OP and her DP?

Honestly don't get the comments about being fucked off. They are the types that would be pissed off regardless.
I wouldn't hide the fact though, it seems pointless. I do like the suggestion of a civil ceremony so it's less wedding-y.
If its what you want and makes you happy do it, if people are fucked off, it let's you know who to distance yourself from because who needs those types in your life!

You’re not being unreasonable. My aunt actually did this and held the wedding party exactly one year later so the anniversary was the same.
BUT you need to 💯 commit to the wedding party actually happening. Otherwise it’s very weird to just let it drag out for another 6-7 years, then you start mentioning it to people and the and everyone is confused (and close family/friends would likely be hurt and offended you didn’t tell them/lied to them)

Because, as plenty of people have said, weddings come with expense and sometimes a certain amount of obligation.

Very different to a party two years down the line.

I wouldn't want to have to lie about it, personally. It's an unnecessary complication. Would you be keeping this secret forever?

That said, I do think that it's a bit silly for people to act as though going to a wedding two years after the legal marriage ceremony took place is pointless or less worthy of attending, considering that even if you had the big wedding tomorrow, you've already been living together for years and have multiple children together. That's just as nearly married as you can be without making it official, surely. Why would anyone really care whether they're attending the legal wedding or the 'celebration wedding', assuming you only have one big party for it? I'd probably think it was odd, if I knew, but it's not like you're trying to trick people into giving you extra wedding gifts or something. One couple, one wedding. Some have vow renewals, and people attend those (albeit perhaps grudgingly in some cases).

They most certainly are in my experience. I've never heard of anyone doing this.

I think you might deflate the day for yourself. There was a fantastic feeling of being married for me and it was done. I did have a big white wedding which was fun (before kids) but the marriage was the most important part for me and after, I wanted to move on with our married life. I could not have celebrated two years later as like on the day. You can get some great deals on short notice or twilight weddings without all the secrecy, expense and dragging things on.

I haven’t read the full thread, so apologies if this has already been suggested. But why not get married in the registry office now and tell everyone the reason why. Then in 2028 have a vow renewal in front of your friends and family where you can have the big ceremony & reception?

The point of a wedding isn't the extravagance to impress your guests. Have a smaller venue/ wedding earlier with close family and friends.

Have a big bash in a year or a couple of years could mean instead you could do a renewal of vows with a larger crowd and / or then the party to celebrate your anniversary instead if you want a big party to mark it but can't afford what you want now.

Can an opposite sex civil union be converted to a marriage in the UK?

they could go to the registry office for their civil union (easily explain to friends / family that this is purely for legal reasons) and get married properly in 2 years.

Do the ring exchange (if both partners decide to wear rings) in 2 years, change surname (if that’s what they want) in 2 years etc…

If there are some religious or cultural traditions they‘ll be observing during the wedding ceremony in two years?
That could also strengthen the case of this being a „real wedding“…

OP has repeatedly said that a small wedding with friends and family would be a nightmare due to her parents.

They want to have a large wedding to dilute their presence…

I haven't seen these other comments from OP, just the original post...discussion now runs to 24 pages so I may have just missed them.

Makes sense/has happened to me as well.

I was initially also somewhat surprised that OP‘s first instinct was to hide the wedding/have a secret wedding.

But her comments about her parents being quite „difficult“ made me wonder whether they had brought her up to hide and keep things secret to avoid repercussions/to prevent a reaction?
That kind of „conditioning“ can be very hard to break. (I might be completely wrong btw…

You get that you can click 'See all' on the OP and it will show you at a glance all comments the OP has made, without having to trudge through 24 pages?