AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

[Wededed]

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

Inheritance tax benefits can’t be replicated. Plus wills can be changed.
It’s often cheaper to do civil partnership or registry office marriage than try and draw up documents to try and replicate some of the legal protections.
Biggest uptake of opposite sex civil partnerships is older couples just doing it as part of estate planning.

If you were honest about it I wouldn’t care.

Yes, we looked into trying to replicate the legal/economic benefits because I wasn't keen on marriage and at the time, civil partnerships were not allowed for straight couples -- but it was so much easier to just get married that we did. And promptly forgot about it.

Why should we not be able to have the wedding we want just because we have children we need to protect legally

You can. Just don't lie about you being married for 2 years.

Have a quiet legal ceremony now "family celebration" party in 2 years time.

They absolutely can be. Depends on the country. We got married overseas and completely accepted legally in the UK. It was part of our research when deciding on the destination to work out the legal side of it

Curious as to how being married protects your children over and above what a will or being joint tenants will do?

I think you either get married now or you wait. You would be unreasonable to lie to everyone.

Because that is what a wedding is. A public declaration of your union and a public witnessing of that declaration which includes the signing of the contract. A celebration of your marriage or union afterwards is the party bit. Any way or combination of those is fine. Traditionally both done on the same day, but if not, you can see something called a wedding 2 years later might anoy people, when it is a celebration of the marriageand not all the witness stuff. Some people still put importance on witnessing the public declaration of the union, some don't. But it's the deception that is the real issue. Do the contract bit privately then invite everyone to a celebration of the marriage in 2 years. That's if, of course, you still want to celebrate the marriage in 2 years time😁

Get married.
Keep it very small and then celebrate. A party is easier to organise than a big wedding.

What utter bollocks!

My daughter got married in Rhodes in 2022 and it is absolutely legal.

Not really sure why you posted here OP? Vast majority of people think lying about not being married to your family and friends and then pretending to get married years later is bang out of order but you're not interested in listening. Lots of compromises suggested but again you've made up your mind so why bother to ask?

Personally I couldn't give two hoots about going to a wedding of people who have been legally married before the event, and whether I knew about it or not. It's an event to celebrate – I don't see why it matters.

But I think you're overestimating that some tragedy will befall you within 2 years. Odds are overwhelming that it wouldn't.

What if you get married in secret, don't tell anyone, and then one of you gets hit by a bus in the 2 years before the wedding party?

Will you never admit to being married, or will there be a big reveal at the funeral that you are actually married? Do death certificates still say single/married?

That would be a horrible way to find out your son/daughter/brother/whatever was married but didn't tell you.

And as soon as it is a called a 'party' and not a 'wedding' the cost halves.

Honestly op I think your reasoning is sound. Tbh I think you could be honest and just have the big reception in 2 years, but legal and financial protection of your family outweighs anything else so I would 100% get married asap.

So you want the huge white fluffy wedding day which is gonna cost hence 2yrs time and saving

but also want kids and yourself protected incase the worse happens

honestly save your money and get married now and party after

Friends got married quietly, not secretly because the husband narrowly missed getting blown to smithereens in a foreign country. That was his career. They had serious assets.

They married in Australia because family members were there. Came back with a BBQ organised on a farm for other family and friends. It was a lovely evening.

I would really pissed off if I later found out you had lied for 2 years about being married.
I would prefer to celebrate your 2nd anniversary in style, than celebrate a pretend wedding.

People renew their vows all the time, how is this any different?

If it's a vow renewal, people will know. It will be written on the invitation! So everyone will have an informed choice as to whether to attend or not. I've been to a lot of friends weddings. I doubt I would go to a vow renewal. Particularly as I'd be wondering which of them had cheated.

I have no idea why people would be so pissed off. You legally get married but save for the celebration - weddings are expensive!

But as people are apparently keen to take such an action as a personal insult, maybe call the celebration a wedding celebration rather than just a wedding. It’s the celebration of your wedding, even though it’s delayed. Or massively scale it down and do something affordable.

We do think this is important and that’s why we love the venue.

Its local - no hotel stays for 95% of guests
Its on a Saturday - no holiday required
Children are invited
Wine and toasting drinks are provided. If you wish to have something extra then yes you are welcome to purchase.
We don’t care what you wear.

We did the legal bit in 2020 just us at the registry office when our wedding was cancelled due to COVID - we wanted the legal protections in place before we started a family and didn't want to put that on hold. Had the "wedding" itself last year, 5 years later. Nobody overtly told us or implied that this was an unreasonable thing to do! We did a ceremony still, guess it was like a vow renewal.

We told everyone we'd done the legal bit though and changed our names etc. I wouldn't lie about that bit, that does make it a bit weird.

You could invite your closest family to the registry office bit if it's important to them (and you) to see the legal bit happen? Where I live you have the option of doing it as just the couple and the 2 witnesses, or there was an option to have 10 guests in a bigger room.

ETA sorry OP just read your bit about your parents being a nightmare, so ignore the para above as that clearly isn't something you want!
I would just be very matter of fact with your parents about doing the legal bit for the legal protection only and say you're pretending like that hasn't happened yourselves, so you're only inviting your friends to witness it and not making a big deal about it.

I agree with this - just do it but be honest “party will follow… 2028”

Good God, just get married!

Had a sibling do this. The party celebration was a great night. None of the waiting around or expensive table decorations or seat covers that come with weddings. No table seating drama, Just good food, a few speeches and a great band. Still had a photographer and the traditional speeches but it was alot more relaxed and it worked really well.

Just get married quietly in the register office and then have a party. I would be a bit cross if I attended a wedding when the couple were already married, I realise that in some countries a civil ceremony has to take place prior to any religious ceremony.

I thought it was important for inheritance tax and if only one of us die the spouses can take the allowance for future use.