AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

[Wededed]

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

I am guessing you aren’t swimming in money @Wededed . Far from it. And you have very young kids. Surely the money for a fake wedding party (would you buy a full on wedding dress?) be spent on savings for your kids? Your mortgage? Pension?

Well that is subjective. I couldn’t say.

Am I happy spending the proposed amount on our wedding - yes

What a dramatic post.

What about a friend doing the second ceremony? Weird that you think 'registered celebrant' and 'out of work actor' are the only two options. I'm getting married in the summer and that's exactly what I'm doing as we're having the legal ceremony the day before.

Our friend can say whatever he wants at the faux ceremony, it's not illegal and nobody is going to call the police. You are conflating the fact that at a legal ceremony there are certain things you have to say in order to make the marriage legal, however it bears no relevance the other way around.

I have attended weddings where the couple have got legally married previously and not known or even noticed (and I have been married before and attended many weddings). I was personally just there enjoying the day and celebrating their love, not scrutinising exactly how everything was worded.

Well everything you have written would very much indicate you aren’t swimming in money.

But putting money aside, seems such a shame to start the first 2 years of married life under a cloak of darkness! Never able to refer to each other as husband and wife, not to talk about event, convince your best friends to keep schtum.

You have been engaged for ages and ages by the sounds of it. When friends / family ask if you’re ever going to tie the knot… will you lie?

Ironically if we were swimming in money it wouldn't be an issue. If we had a 1 million+ house paid off then actually it would beneficial to NOT get legally married. Which is an interesting thought exercise. Would I care about going to a wedding where people exchange vows, rings, change names and dont actually sign the paper because financially that would be unbeneficial. No I dont think I would be upset actually if thats what is best for that couples children re. HMRC; but in all other ways they now live as Mr & Mrs.

The poster was asking if you would lie. But you seem to have ignored that question.

Would I care about going to a wedding where people exchange vows, rings, change names and dont actually sign the paper because financially that would be unbeneficial. No I dont think I would be upset actually

Once again, very few people would be bothered by attending a wedding where they knew the couple had already done the legal bit beforehand. A lot of people would be upset if they attended a fake wedding where the couple had actually already been married for 2 years, but they decided to lie to everyone.

You didn’t respond to

You have been engaged for ages and ages by the sounds of it. When friends / family ask if you’re ever going to tie the knot… will you lie?

?

No I still don’t get it…you’re not swimming in money as you have to wait until 2028 to continue doing the other things you want to do, I just can’t fathom spending so much money on something I think you’ve missed the boat on. I think big weddings are for the young and/or wealthy, you have different priorities now. I honestly think it looks a bit daft.

Ironically if we were swimming in money it wouldn't be an issue

so you aren’t swimming in money.
so with a mortgage and two very young children… surely better things to blow money on than a sketchy party two years after an event that you’re kept a secret.

Each to their now and all that

I could say ‘yes! You are invited to our reception in 2028’.

That’s not a lie is it.

Good lord.

Weddings are only for the young or wealthy…
A non legal wedding is a sketchy party

Right I think we are just on completely different pages. I think I will leave the misery guts too it 😂

It would seem being a bit sketchy with the truth to friends and loved ones is something you’re totally cool with 🤷‍♀️

as you can see from this thread, most of us aren’t.

i look look forward to seeing threads in about two years time from guests at the party starting threads about the weird party they’ve been to where the host dressed in a wedding dress and accepting wedding gifts but word got around that the ceremony had happened two years earlier and they’d not said a word about it and kept their witnesses schtum

Looking forward to your guests starting threads In 2 years time 😆

Right I think we are just on completely different pages. I think I will leave the misery guts too it
Yes, I think you might as well as you're not taking a blind bit of notice of any posts that mention the deceit of it all. Even if someone asks you outright, you'll be evasive. And if anyone asks your children? No, let's not go there....

I still don't understand why you can't just say "hi we've finally decided to make it official and eloped, we'll have a vow renewal and party in X 2028 for everyone who wants to come." Done.

It’s not the truth though either- which would be “actually yes we got married last year in Basingstoke registry office but didn’t tell anyone.”

If you really want to do it so much that you’re prepared to bend the truth and watch yours and your family/ friends’ words for the next 2 years, then go ahead. I wouldn’t do it. But I think you can’t be surprised if this backfires rather badly given everything people have said here and the fact that you already have a difficult relationship with your family.

Absolutely this, whichever year!

OP you should be aware - marriage revokes your last Will, so you'll need to redo your Will after you legally get married.

It is not being a misery guts to be a bit worried about lying to/ actively misleading all those people closest to you! Especially in a situation where they are putting themselves out and spending money and the likelihood is that the truth will come out at some point. If you’re not worried about it and think they will be fine, or will never find out, that’s your risk to take. But don’t be surprised if you end up with a backlash.

Me either.

All this drama and secrecy could be avoided, but OP seems determined to lie and pretend the fake wedding is real.

https://www.gov.uk/marriages-civil-partnerships-abroad

You won't get a UK marriage certificate if you get married abroad (the Med, say), but the marriage is just as legal as it would be if it took place in the UK. I speak from experience.