AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

[Wededed]

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

That's so not true. There has been some (very) early discussion regarding the possibility of a law change. It won't happen (I hope), many people remain unmarried specifically because they don't want to share assets.

But can you put guards in place without marriage? Can you protect by yourself just by your will and if you are below inheritance tax threshold anyway? I don’t know, I don’t live in England.

Can someone explain the difference between paying to attend a wedding that contains the legal ceremony, and a wedding party that doesn't? I don't want to quote any specific posters like I'm arguing with them, but I can't understand why you'd be willing to pay (and book time off work, travel, and so on) for one and not the other when they're both celebrating the same thing. I don't understand what actual difference it makes, or why you would feel short-changed.

Sorry, very misleading, a work colleague mentioned it. I have looked into it....lt is actually a proposal, the government are looking into it....Apologies for the mis- information. I should have checked it out before posting. Feel very stupid right now, as does my colleague who is looking at me right now, mouthing sorry...

What protection do you mean?

I am a comfortably off single woman with adult DC and a long term partner, who has little in the way of assets but pays his way day to day.

I am protected by not being married. If I married him, there's every possibility that my assets could end up with him, or his next wife, rather than me and my DC.

I can only describe it as a feeling. I got married last year at a registry office and had a small party afterwards. There was such a feeling of joy and specialness around the event. I've had similar size events before and that feeling wasn't there. I was going to have a big party this year but decided against it because it wouldn't be the same.

I think it's a total waste of money, especially if people are having to scrimp and save to have it.

@pinkbus I mean the OP wants to protect herself and her children by the sounds of it. Presumably from the tax man or assets being passed to family? Could that not be protected against by means of a will anyway? I know (young) couples who have set each other up as their powers of attorney in the event of illness etc.

Yes, OP can write a will, but what matters (to her) is her partner's will and he can change that at any time (married or not). It also doesn't help in a break up situation.

Even worse then. She wants to have a secret wedding and lie to her loved ones because she doesn’t trust her partner to not shaft her in the next 2 years. I thought it was to protect the family unit as a whole. As you say, her husband/partner could change his will at any point so not sure of any benefit there anyway.

Why lie?

lapds of people do reg office then a proper wedding party albeit usually days apart

i can guarantee once you’re married you’ll be so happy you won’t want to bother with the big day in 2 years plus you’ll want to tell people and use your new name. Just embrace it and celebrate it

I've voted YABU because it would be unreasonable to keep it a secret.
I don't think the plan to marry now and have a wedding reception with guests in 2028 is a bad one.
If you want to get married for legal reasons just do it but tell your friends and family. No need to keep it a secret.
You can then have a celebration/party/whatever later on when you have saved up for it.
I live abroad and everyone has to get legally married in the registry office first and then there's a church service and reception, or a non-religious ceremony (including exchange of rings) with reception. Some people leave it a couple of years before getting round to the wedding with guests. It's normal. Same applies for people coming from the UK to get married.
Obviously the culture around weddings in the UK is different but there's no reason why you can't do the same, as long as you are open and honest with family and friends.

How odd that people would feel upset by this! I got married in a mairie in France and four months later in a church. I think you should go ahead, OP and anyone who doesn’t like it can stay home!

As long as they know it’s not a wedding. People often feel obligated to attend weddings and have to spend money on travel, outfits, presents etc.

If it’s just a party then it’s different

Why do you think it's odd that people would be upset?

I think it's a perfectly normal reaction to finding out that a close friend or family member had hidden the fact they were married for 2 years. Then decieved everyone by deliberately not calling their partner husband, wearing wedding rings or changing their names, just so they could have a huge pretend wedding 2 years later.

Yes, entirely normal.

I think some Mners are so misanthropic that they regard a wedding invitation as a major inconvenience, if not an actual act of war, and their inner logic goes something like 'Well, if I'm going to unwillingly buy an outfit and drag myself to attend someone's wedding with gritted teeth, here is a heaven-sent reason to grump about it, or to refuse, because if the couple are already married and just celebrating their marriage, it's just another, non-special party I don't have to go to.'

I think that’s the issue-the OP is planning to lie about being married, not wear rings, not tell anyone at all, and then invite everyone to their ‘wedding’ two years later.

It’s a potentially expensive event for guests. It also carries obligations to attend for some people.

To expect everyone to go out of their way to get presents, outfits, transport etc for a special event, just to turn round and say ‘surprise, we did this years ago for financial reasons but still wanted to be the centre of the universe for the day so we lied’ is unreasonable.

Of course, if they do split in that time, that’s going to be awkward to explain.

Also not fair to make the kids keep it a secret.

I agree - she presumably thinks that everyone will be so delighted by their little charade that they won’t mind at all

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/millions-of-unmarried-couples-to-get-stronger-rights#:~:text=The%20government%20is%20proposing%20cohabitants,consultation%20carefully%20before%20finalising%20policy.
It is my understanding that IF this new legislation comes into being, a
properly-written will would still trump anything being discussed.

I just don’t understand when you’ve already got kids why you’d want to spend thousands on a wedding, surely that money would be much better spent on your family, be that frivolously as a holiday or sensibly in terms of savings for them when they’re older. It’s the marriage that matters not the wedding, weddings just hit different when they’re for older people with established lives and children, it just seems a lot of fuss for you and your guests.

That’s actually me now and I need to jolt myself out of it. I spent my 20s and early 30s going to big weddings, weddings 3 hours drive away, weddings abroad, 60th birthdays abroad etc.

I would be more than happy to attend a wedding where I can stay in my own home but now I am really resentful about going to weddings or events that involve overnights away. Actually one night and a reasonable drive is ok but anything more is a hassle.
The time, the expense and the hassle feel too much now.

So much so that I have been invited to a distant relatives wedding in Spain and I’ve declined the invitation, I don’t want to take time off work or spend that kind of money. I’m aware it’s not a nice attitude and it’s a joy to share someone’s day and journey but I just want it to be a taxi away !

Personally I wouldn't care as long as I knew I wasn't attending an actual wedding. It's the lying and deceit that would upset me. Also I would try my very best to get to any wedding I was invited to, a party 2 years later I would certainly do my best to attend but it wouldn't have quite the same importance as a wedding. If I put myself out to attend and found it was all a sham I'd be annoyed

For the reasons I said initially..

1. we don’t want to elope and announce as for a long time that felt like it was our only option. Not through choice. It felt forced upon us by my dysfunctional family, and potentially also the last nail in that relationship.
2. The worst scenario is a registry and immediate family meal. Absolutely do not want this.
3. That leaves ‘have a big wedding’. I couldn’t envisage this until recently. I now can and am quite excited by it. It’s an opportunity to celebrate our little family and throw a big party for everyone.

Part of the reason to do it 2028 rather than 2027 is so we can continue having holidays and spending on our family as usual. If we went for 2027 we could do it, but it wouldn’t be sensible to have any big holidays or above average expenditure between now and then. We live solely off our own businesses and we need to keep reserves in ways that salaried employees don’t. For the last 5 years the economy has been so unstable. One tweet by trump, one flap by our gov - can and has trashed out entire income for 6 months on numerous occasions. So its just about being sensible.

Why is it just between just those 3 choices?

Why can't you have a small wedding now, and then a big party later?