AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

[Wededed]

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

Get married then invite everyone to a vow renewal in a couple of years. Then everyone knows what they are attending and you still get your day. If they know the situation they will be ok with it. Personally I don’t get big weddings, usually the bigger the wedding the quicker the divorce. The important part is the marriage, not the party.

Well it would be a blessing or renewal 2 years down the line. My nephew married in Australia and when they came back her mum wanted a church wedding. Was very upset to be told Dad couldnt give the daughter away or walk her down the aisle. So assuming you are OK with that?
We got engaged in late October and married May the following year. 50 adult guests plus children in a local hotel. What was important to us wasn't the party, it was having our children and family and friends see us make the commitment to each other . We've made it to 10 years this year and thinking about a blessing or renewal now.
Just do a smaller wedding and think about the wedding, not the party. Thats not the important thing.

I'm very confused. You've waited all this time to think about getting married and want to wait to have your "big day". I totally get that however you also want to get married quickly to protect yourselves (totally get that too).
What i don't understand is thinking leaving 2 years between the legal ceremony and actual big day. I would consider either compromising on the date at the right venue (sometimes places get cancellations so worth asking) or making 2028 a vow renewal instead. I don't think hiding being actually married for 2 years is acceptable and to be honest think that would cause fallout for you, which i can see you're trying to avoid.

Most of my friends, including me, got married for various reasons alone or with close family/friends and then had another wedding with everyone a year or two later. Don’t see why you need to hide it!

Just get married. Have a small wedding. A few people. Or no people.

It’s the time between them both that makes this utterly ridiculous.

Basically inviting them to your 2 year wedding anniversary but expecting them to fork out for it.

You absolutely can. But why lie about it? Just get married and then have a party in 2028? Why the lies?

I don’t know what type of weddings you go to but I suspect most of the commenters in this post, myself included, have NEVER been to a wedding where the bride and groom have lied about being married for 2 years to the point of not telling anyone or wearing rings. And I do not believe you have either

You post on MN then appear to be getting arsey because most people think it is absolutely ridiculous to have a secret wedding that you hide from everyone and then have a pretend one 2 years down the line.

So why are you proposing lying about it for 2 years then? If you think people wouldn’t be bothered then why lie?

No, you're wrong. A wedding is a marriage ceremony. You apparently have been to parties celebrating someone's marriage, but they have never been weddings, whether you consider them to be or not.

There is a big difference between "Please join us to celebrate at the wedding of x and y" and "Please join us to celebrate the wedding of x and y".

You didn't get married 4 months later though, did you, if you were already married?

I think its weird, even a few months gap is weird. Get married mid week if you must and then have a party on the weekend. Most people put up with spending a bomb on going to a wedding because it feels good to be a part of "these persons here present" not to be conned into a party for something that happened years ago! Most destination weddings are legal weddings, 2 of my best friends got married abroad, one in Malta and one in Belieze, both were legal weddings. Apart from Spain most countries are chill about non-nationals marrying there. If you insist on doing it this way because you cant see another way round inheritance tax then at least be honest and tell people!

But assuming they haven’t done the legal
part, they aren’t married, it’s not a wedding. Marriage is a legal contract, it’s not just saying nice words and exchanging rings, it creates legal duties on both partners. Have we really reached the point where people don’t understand that?

A wedding perhaps where you actually, ya know, get married. Why are you in so much hurry to get married but want to wait a couple of years until you tell people (once they have had to pay out to travel etc)?

Kindly, get over yourself. Have a quick wedding in your lunch hour or whatever and put the money towards something else.

How will you expect your children to keep it secret?

And as several people have wondered, what happens if you split before the fake wedding? Are you going to conceal a potential divorce too?

It amazes me how much main character energy some people have

Very much coming across as more interested in the wedding than the marriage.

I do find it silly when normal people drop 20/30k plus on a wedding once they already have children and a house. Surely you’ve got better things to drop such silly amounts of money on.

@Wededed just have a wee regisrty wedding, and spend the money on yiur family, weddings now a days are do expensive for just one day.

My friend did similar, married in secret and wed years later. The person doing the ceremony had to change the language as they were officially married (I noticed as I knew I don't think anyone else did).

But I had a friend whose hubby to be was from overseas and they had two weddings to save everyone travelling. I was a bridesmaid for the 2nd wedding - it was really obvious not so emotional for the couple on the day as they were already married in their eyes.

Get married asap then have a party as soon as you can afford it …… preferably not in 2 years.

It's up to you. If you get married now, it's the reception you are holding in 2028.

Why not have a civil partnership now? It will give you all the rights and obligations you are looking for, you can mention it to others and you can still have a real wedding in 2028.

I find it deeply bizarre you are checking couples for appropriate levels of 'emotion' to see if they're really getting married or not. The day DH and I got married, we were both mad busy with important work projects coming to an end, and as marriage was primarily an admin thing to us, and we'd been together very happily for many years, I don't think either of us was remotely 'emotional'.

You can have civil partnerships with opposite sex couples. The law was changed quite a long time ago.

"A civil partnership is a legally recognized relationship available to same-sex and opposite-sex couples that grants them the same fundamental legal rights, benefits, and responsibilities as marriage. It offers an alternative for couples who wish to formalize their commitment but avoid the religious connotations and ceremonial vows associated with traditional marriage.

Key Characteristics
Formation: Created by signing a civil partnership document in front of a registrar and two witnesses, without the mandatory exchange of religious vows.
Eligibility: Available to any two people aged 16 or over who are not already married or in a civil partnership and are not closely related.
Dissolution: Can only be ended legally through a formal court order (dissolution) after the partnership has lasted for at least one year. " Google AI

You're worried enough about money to get married but you're happily waiting 2 years to save enough money to hold a fancy fake celebration? Just get married and do it without the fuss.