Teenager refusing to follow school rules on make-up and piercings

[IcarusFallingDown]

Any suggestions (if any) for a rebellious teenager who doesn’t care about school rules?

My DD is 16, very well behaved in other areas (doesn’t drink, vape, go out late). Generally respectful at home apart from some teenage strops.

She has a real disregard for school rules. They aren’t allowed to wear makeup or false eye lashes at school, today she was asked to remove both, and told the teacher she won’t be doing so, neither now or in the future. We’ve also had a conversation at home and she’s repeated the same to me. I’m getting daily emails from school about makeup and eye lashes, I email the school saying I will discuss this with her, but I am not sure what else I am able to do?

She’s now decided she’s getting a lip piercing, which is against school policy, but again says the same and that she doesn’t care what the school says or does. I’ve told her I do not sanction this and she’s making life incredibly difficult, it will likely result in detentions from the school and emails home, but she just says she isn’t bothered and wants to express her individuality.

Has anybody been through this with their teenager? My eldest is a boy and was fastidious about school rules so I haven’t experienced this before, I’m sure it is common.

I'd say that at 16, and being held back a year, is likely now playing a part in her behaviour. She's probably the oldest in her year (unless others have been held back a year) and the difference between Year 10 and 11 students is showing. She must also realise that if she hadn't been held back a year, she'd be leaving school in a few short weeks. That must be a hard pill to swallow!

I agree with another poster, she's 16, old enough to understand the consequences, not only to her, but the detrimental effect it has on you too. I also think you need a conversation with her regarding the private school....is she trying to get herself suspended because she doesn't want to be there? Are there alternatives? College for example?

Being summer born, doesn't automatically mean a child should be kept back a year. Unless there were real concerns regarding her development, academic ability etc, then I'm not sure why this happened. In the majority of cases summer born babies catch up with their peers, and I think this is exactly what's happened here.

Ok, she feels she is adult, in that case take her out of school and insist she finds a job and contributes to the household- the she can wear make up and false eyelashes to her heart's content. Point out she has to be 18 for a piercing to be legal without parental consent. Take her photo to every piercing place in town , and make it clear you will sue if they give her a lip piercing before she is 18.

100% agreed. If a student is well presented, always does her home work, focuses during lessons and is well behaved what difference does make up and piercings make. Ones make up, hair and piercings etc should be their own choice. Schools should not have any say in ones appearance (and uniform is different) this is too personal. I do wonder when the schools here are going to move on to the 21st century. And before anyone says workplaces have uniform rules - you can choose where you work. School is compulsory - teenagers experiment.

I would let her face her own battles and just have a sensible, calm conversation about the possible consequences. I would not start removing any make up, pocket money etc. I agree school rules should be followed but not when it comes to personal choices like this. Just let her be her.

You can do much more than just ‘discussing’ with her. You can remove things from her, stop her doing things, stop money. Actual consequences to her behaviour. But you know that. Are you really going to be ok with the school removing her in year 10 because you’re worried about her self esteem?

I have great sympathy with schools that have a zero make-up policy. However, zero make-up doesn't mean zero grooming! And imho it's way better to spend the time and money on a fantastic haircut, an effective skincare régime (consult a dermatologist) and some subtle treatments (eyelash dye, waxing) to make the most of oneself.

Lashes and makeup policies are a bit 1930s. I'm not sure facial piercings are appropriate for school at that age, though.

This is where I have come to.

I don't actually think the school should put time and energy into such trivial things.

Luckily mine is leaving this week!

She clearly has serious issues with her self esteem and physical appearance.

I'd work with the school, explain the above and that you are trying to work with her on these issues. Maybe counselling?

The school will need to do what they have to, but will feel more respectful if they know you are on their side and trying to get to the bottom of it.

Get someone to write a letter saying she has body dysmorphia and needs to wear make up for her self esteem and in order to attend.

Private therapist should do that for you no problem.

Your daughter has outgrown school, maybe consider a sixth form college where she will be treated as a young adult.

I would go this way. I would agree with her about silly school rules that appear to be just for the sake of saying no and heard control. Maybe a lash lift and tint, and a more natural approach to skin so they don’t notice. I would say that it might be best to get the lip piercing after school so she can keep it in (so it doesn’t heal up) and focus on her GCSEs at present. I would offer to pay for that for my daughter if she could wait a bit longer.

I had the same with my daughter - I advised her they were the rules and if she chose to break them then she had to accept the consequences. She had numerous lunch time and after school detentions in yr 10 and 11 it was what it was - now she’s at a fantastic college where they can wear what they want and the learning environment is mutually respectful.

Yes, this.

I don't agree with posters who say that she needs to learn to follow all rules laid down by authorities, no matter how pointless they are.

This is a good chance for her to learn a different lesson: how to work around pointless rules, how to be a bit sneaky and compromise, so that you get a measure of what you want (eg makeup) without losing other stuff you want (staying at your school).

To add my niece suffered terribly with mental ill health with self harm and her make up was her mask - she’s now well and barely wears any

If she is good in every other aspect then pick your battles.

its a silly rule and one she won’t have to worry about after GCSE.

She’s incredibly arty so she wants to do a fashion course next or makeup or nail and lash technician.

Private school sounds like a waste of money in that case. Tell her you'll pull her out and send her to state school if wearing false eyelashes is that important to her. Every minute the poor teachers have to spend dealing with this is time taken from other students.

I believe pointless rules that affect your bodily autonomy and integrity ought to be ignored yes. However I have no desire to raise obedient automatons with no ability to question things they don’t agree with.

Oh no, not a state school!!

Tbh, many state academies pour all their energies into hunting and disciplining minor uniform infractions like this.

The issue here is she is 16 and has outgrown school. Everyone else her age is leaving this week. Having another whole year to go is the issue.

Also to add to this my daughter was in a terrible place also with severe social anxiety and getting her into school each morning was my priority - whilst she was there she worked hard was always respectful she just had multiple piercings and an extremely short skirt. In fairness to her teachers (the ones who knew her) they would just say hoops out or skirt down as they walked past her. It was the teachers that didn’t know her that would give her the detentions.

my personal advice is to allow her to do what she is doing and accept the consequences no arguing back etc
it will all be a distant memory and such a nonsense soon

This? You are in charge. Until she's paying her own way she does what you say. Have you been quite soft on discipline at home & led her to thinking there are no consequences for bad behaviour?

She’s 16 - get her eye lashes tinted and get some decent tinted moisturiser. If she doesn’t want to tow the line then she leaves and goes to the tech side of 6th form next year to do GCSEs with them. Slightly less extreme but I have a dc who hates school uniform - they occasionally go in pe kit instead - I don’t mind this but we have an agreement that if they’re caught/reprimanded they have to go back to standard uniform no questions and accept the accompanying punishment with no drama. I really pity teachers these days.

Is she doing well academically? Is her behaviour at school disruptive?

Have you asked the school to explain how her eye make up and false lashes are preventing her from doing her school work? Will a piercing also mean she can’t pass her exams?

These kind of petty uniform rules need challenging. Make up/lashes and piercings are perfectly acceptable in business/work places, ACAS has guidelines for employers on not discriminating against employees with piercings and tattoos. If I were you @IcarusFallingDown I’d ask for a meeting with school and turn up with dramatic eye make up, fluffy lashes and a big nose ring and ask them why it’s not ok for your daughter to have bodily autonomy and why they think they can dictate something that has no bearing on her behaviour or academic performance.

My DD was very rebellious at school because of what she perceived as petty rules. In the end, she realised that it was a system that she was part of, and used school as a means to an end. She’s very intelligent and had a career path mapped out that required good grades and positive school reports so she played the game.
I would be pointing out to your DD that by refusing to follow the rules, no matter how petty, she is targeting herself as a troublemaker by the very people who she may need to support her in her chosen career. BTW, a make up or nail / lash technician isn’t a career path, it’s a job that at best will provide a mediocre income working unsociable hours.
I would also be firm with her - once you are able to comply with the rules of the school we are paying a lot for you to attend, then we will return your phone - type of conversation. Don’t get dragged into an argument about it. Her refusal to comply with the rules show a level of immaturity but it could also be a result of her being kept down a year in school.

Could you reach a compromise of more natural makeup for school for the next year and offer to take her for a lash lift & tint to stop her using the falsies? If she’s only got a year left I’d try and do what you need to keep both her and the school reasonably happy.

And tell the school that's what you are doing