To not want to do the following things at my wedding?

[chilibandit]

i suppose this is a few AIBU in one so here goes!

For some context, I have a difficult relationship with my parents but a great relationship with grandparents. Owing to lots of different things I’m very much a people pleaser and usually go along with what everyone wants even to my own detriment.

I’m getting married and I am currently having the following issues:

1. My mother wants to do a speech at the wedding. When I say no she gets very affronted and says it isn’t fair my dad gets to do one (they are divorced and always acting like this). I’m honestly worried she’s going to tell the venue she’s doing one as a ‘surprise’. If she did do one it would be all about her and how wonderful she is.
2. My future SIL wants to be a bridesmaid and I don’t want her to be. I want my two best friends and my cousin (who is like my sister) to be my bridesmaids. SIL is very argumentative and keeps asking about it and isn’t really getting my hints. If it makes any difference I wasn’t allowed to be a bridesmaid at her wedding last year as “I might not be around in the future so it would be awkward if i was in all the pictures”.
3. i would like my grandad to walk me down the aisle. He is my best friend and practically raised me (along with my other grandparents). My mother is affronted I don’t want her when she’s “been so much better than my dad” and my dad is offended that I don’t want him even though he barely knows me. I’m tempted to have dad and grandad but I don’t really want to.
4. My dads wife is an alcoholic and has refused to not have a drink that day. My dad says if she can’t go then he won’t go. If she attends and drinks then she will cause a major kick off.
5. my fiancés nan is being extremely fussy over the menu. We’re having a pizza van to try and please all fussy eaters etc and she won’t eat “foreign food” so is kicking off that she’ll be hungry all day. (Kind of unrelated but at SILs wedding she only served food I was allergic to so I ordered a takeaway and ate outside! At no point did I even mention this at the time as it wasn’t my day)
6. we would like a child free wedding as we both had to raise our own siblings (who are now adults). We’d like an opportunity to let our hair down and have a fun party with other adults without worrying we’ll trip over a child! Fiancés family have said this isn’t fair to their 4-8 yr olds as they “love a party”

im sure I’ll think of some more but this is it at the moment! It’s also already so long I can see.

my AIBU is whether I should give in to any of these or whether I’m justified in putting my foot down for once and saying I want things my way for once (obviously my fiancés way too, he clearly has input into everything!)

I’d elope if I were you

Your wedding. Your rules.

They don't like it, they don't come.

It is fine to put your foot down, why is your dad giving a speech seen as he barley knows you?

Seriously, I would not have a wedding with all that shit going on. Just run away with your partner and get married abroad. Take your grandparents out for a meal when you get back.

Yanbu op. One of these people will ruin the day, are you sure you don’t want to just elope?

Another vote for an elopement! It hardly seems worth paying out so much for a day ypu’ll be too tense to enjoy and resentful memories

Would you lose much money on the venue ?

I think it depends who the children are? If they are nieces/nephews/siblings/grandchildren then I’d invite them. If they are more distant relatives then it’s probably ok to leave them out.

Nothing else is unreasonable though.

I mean, I'm not really into weddings so I might be biased, but that all sounds awful. Why not just ditch all of the toxic family arguments and just have a party with a few close friends. Its time we stopped normalising awful weddings that are full of tension and tears.

I know everyone is saying elope but it would truly break my grandparents hearts to not see me get married. I know I’ve just said I want to put my foot down and do it for me but I would hate to upset them like that and I really want to share the special day with them!

Or maybe elope with your grandparents and two from his side as witnesses, but keep the wedding venue for a party with no speeches (and no children)

Nothing in your OP is unreasonable in any way

but with such a horrible family, I would either elope or have a very intimate wedding and a party for friends.

Your family and In-Laws seem keen to ruin your day, don't let them and stick to your guns. You will regret it if you give in and your day is ruined.

They’re the children of his cousins, whom we have probably met maybe once or twice since they were born! We barely see the cousins, never mind their children

My thoughts exactly
But take grandad

Where is your fiancé in all this?

If you want to get married just elope and tell them all afterwards, with all this nonsense there’s no way you’ll end up without someone sadly ruining your day, take control and don’t let them.

This is the other point, we’ve paid a hefty deposit for the venue so really would need to use this. I’d also like to get married in the village church where my grandparents got married (so another strike against eloping!)

I’d go somewhere lovely and have a registry office wedding with your grandparents and 2 of hi family then have a party a week later with no speeches etc.

Elope and take grandparents as witnesses. Will make a special day and save you a fortune!

It’s because it’s traditional I suppose (he probably wants to chance to one up my mum by saying he got to do one)

Don’t invite your parents and tell your sister in law it would be too awkward to have her in the photos.

Take grandad to give you away, Grandma to be your MoH, and your fiancé’s parent scan be witnesses

Go to a registry office and take your grandparents as witnesses.

Seriously, you don't need the hassle of managing the rest of your family.

1. Mum speech: “mum, no one is giving a speech.” Get one of your BMs to be on mum watch.
2. Future SIL “haha no SIL, what if you’re not in the family one day?! I’ll have my girls like you had yours”
3. Grandad: “it’ll mean so much to him. And I want it. End of.”
4. Nan: “got you a meal deal! But feel free to leave before the food if it’s an issue”
5. Dad’s partner: “She’s welcome dad, but if she kicks off <insert male> will take her and you out.”

I know it’s not that simple but surround yourself with people who will defend you and enjoy your day.

…or elope

Your wedding, your rules. If others don’t like it tough ( easier said than done I know). I’d scale it down and have a small intimate wedding and have grandparents as witnesses.

Take your favourite people to Gretna Green. Tell the rest when you get back.

If you give in you will always look back in your wedding day with regret, how do you want to look back on it?
All the best x