To not want to do the following things at my wedding?

[chilibandit]

i suppose this is a few AIBU in one so here goes!

For some context, I have a difficult relationship with my parents but a great relationship with grandparents. Owing to lots of different things I’m very much a people pleaser and usually go along with what everyone wants even to my own detriment.

I’m getting married and I am currently having the following issues:

1. My mother wants to do a speech at the wedding. When I say no she gets very affronted and says it isn’t fair my dad gets to do one (they are divorced and always acting like this). I’m honestly worried she’s going to tell the venue she’s doing one as a ‘surprise’. If she did do one it would be all about her and how wonderful she is.
2. My future SIL wants to be a bridesmaid and I don’t want her to be. I want my two best friends and my cousin (who is like my sister) to be my bridesmaids. SIL is very argumentative and keeps asking about it and isn’t really getting my hints. If it makes any difference I wasn’t allowed to be a bridesmaid at her wedding last year as “I might not be around in the future so it would be awkward if i was in all the pictures”.
3. i would like my grandad to walk me down the aisle. He is my best friend and practically raised me (along with my other grandparents). My mother is affronted I don’t want her when she’s “been so much better than my dad” and my dad is offended that I don’t want him even though he barely knows me. I’m tempted to have dad and grandad but I don’t really want to.
4. My dads wife is an alcoholic and has refused to not have a drink that day. My dad says if she can’t go then he won’t go. If she attends and drinks then she will cause a major kick off.
5. my fiancés nan is being extremely fussy over the menu. We’re having a pizza van to try and please all fussy eaters etc and she won’t eat “foreign food” so is kicking off that she’ll be hungry all day. (Kind of unrelated but at SILs wedding she only served food I was allergic to so I ordered a takeaway and ate outside! At no point did I even mention this at the time as it wasn’t my day)
6. we would like a child free wedding as we both had to raise our own siblings (who are now adults). We’d like an opportunity to let our hair down and have a fun party with other adults without worrying we’ll trip over a child! Fiancés family have said this isn’t fair to their 4-8 yr olds as they “love a party”

im sure I’ll think of some more but this is it at the moment! It’s also already so long I can see.

my AIBU is whether I should give in to any of these or whether I’m justified in putting my foot down for once and saying I want things my way for once (obviously my fiancés way too, he clearly has input into everything!)

This is why we eloped. It was so much cheaper too.

Good for you! And congrats on the upcoming wedding op. ❤️

FWIW, I knew that my dad would have difficulty with a speech, so I told him that my eldest cousin had mentioned that her dad had just thanked everyone for coming.

At the wedding, my dad just said "My friends, thank you all for coming." Then "Weary and DH!" raised glass

Dad had other men coming up to him afterwards, telling him that it was the best Father of the Bride speech they'd ever heard.

It’s your (you plus soon to be DH) wedding so pick out the bits that are non negotiable eg grandparents.

Then pick out the things you’d really like eg marry at the same church your grandparents did.

Delete anything you don’t want eg mums speech, dad walking you down the aisle etc.

Work out if you can combine everything ie speak to the vicar and be clear about your wants and desires, see if that is possible eg tiny church wedding with very few guests. If not then choose beautiful/pretty/local/whatever place to marry and sort that. Lots of alternative places to go, National Trust places do it I think.

DO NOT TELL ANYONE YOUR PLANS.

Forget about your deposits you won’t get back. You’ll occasionally think ‘oh that’s a shame about the money’ but you’ll spend more time saying ‘wasn’t it wonderful? Did you see my granny’s smile? Wasn’t the vicar lovely?’ etc.

Completely agree with this

That's what I was thinking.

Good grief this all sounds utterly exhausting.

As the first post said, you need to elope. You don't need all this ludicrous drama.

What about a small, intimate wedding in the church that is meaningful to you, fiancé and grandparents then go old school with a quick pub meal then straight to a short break somewhere- no party or evening do. Then have a party at the wedding venue on another date with pizza van where people eat as and when they want across a few hours, no speeches or all sit down for meal time. Hopefully the sil wont be as interested as attention will only be on bridesmaids for a few hours, and the children and speeches issues become moot.

All of these issues point in one direction - Gretna Green.

Just elope, none of this is worth the hassle.

I had very simile issues at my wedding.

best man and maid of honour speech/ toast (no parents at all (make sure venue and show/band know this)

Grandad or no one gives you away.

granny brings a packed lunch

Sorry we would love to have kids but you know numbers!

laugh at SIL and leave it at that

Sod eloping just because of them. You want a big beautiful wedding so go with that.
Neither parent does speeches. Your mum and SIL could do a reading at the ceremony if they need the attention - that way it’s of your choosing .
Look confused at SIL and say @ I’ve chosen the girlfriends ass the girls that know me best, U’ve had so many requests , sorry SIL.
goid luck cx.

Why don’t you get married, just the two of you with your grandparents at the church, ahead of the day that you’re due to be married. That’s the most important part and it’ll make it more special than having all the grumblers there.
The party isn’t the main thing here. It’s not too late to change the format of the party to what you want. Ban the speeches, have no kids, stick to your guns re bridesmaids and have someone ready to remove the drunkard.

I hate all these suggestions that you elope. You obviously have a beautiful dress and have booked an expensive venue because you want a full wedding. As long as you can afford it, you should do it.

Truly, this is an opportunity to establish yourself as an adult with boundaries. You can have a wonderful day in the way that suits you. I enjoyed my child free wedding and had different reasons for setting boundaries around family. It worked. It's not your job to make everyone happy.

You can't please everyone, so just do it as you want. If the people coming, ie your mum etc get the arsehole over it then that's up to them. Don't entertain them moaning.
I would be tempted to just get married on the quiet and bring your grandparents then have a party after perhaps? No bridesmaids needed etc. Least then be about you two, not everyone else's wants which is what it is supposed to be.

Ban your step-mum, therefore avoiding the risk of her kicking off. If that means your Dad doesn’t come it will also stop the argument about Grsndad walking you down the aisle and lessen the incentive for DM to do a speech. Maybe Grandad could say a few words on your behalf?

Ignore SIL. If you don’t want cousins kids there, that’s up to you. Personally I like seeing kids at weddings (as long as I’m not responsible for them!), but lots of people don’t.

The other option is to ask the vicar if he’ll marry you in a small ceremony with just grandparents & fiancé’s parents. If you lose the deposit on the venue, you’ll still save a fortune on everything else.

Hope it all works out for you both - the dress is stunning!

As I get older, I realize that families are almost never perfect and these types of events are huge stress points for everyone.

If you really want a big white wedding and have your grandad walk you down the aisle, you have to put up with managing everything that comes with it. It's why weddings are so fucking stressful.

So I think give up on the idea of a perfect day, you absolutely cannot please everyone, choose your battles and make the most of it

Your wedding, your decisions. If you cannot be assertive enough to say no to all these demands you need to rethink the whole event. Why not just do a registry office wedding and have a party with your friends separately. I can tell you from experience that the older generation will not appreciate a pizza van but that is the least of your worries.

OP it’s clear you want a traditional
wedding with quite a few guests - so that’s what you should have! If you don’t want to elope, for whatever reason then don’t. I think that PP are right though, that in order to get the wedding you want you are going to have to be incredibly firm with people. It doesn’t matter what they want it’s your day and you are well within your rights to just insist on what you want. Especially as none of the things you want to put your foot down about are exactly bridezilla territory!

Also to say that if they’re being like this now, they won’t stop after the wedding. and if you have children they’ll be poking their nose in there too, so you may as well start as you mean to go on and make it clear that from now on, when it comes to your life it’s your rules…

Gently OP this does come across as a lot of anxiety about things that may not happen. Just stay firm and stick to your plan.

I have a lot of problematic relatives including the alcoholic that always makes a fuss. You can’t control other people but you can control your response to them.

You don’t have to but it does sound like your mum is pushing back because she feels that she has done a lot for you and now she is being pushed aside on your wedding day. Can you give her a job that doesn’t involve a speech (such as a church reading) so she can get a role but not make it about her.

My friend had similar family issues relating to unstable parents and being raised by (in her case maternal) grandparents.

grooms mother trying to change the colour scheme behind the couples back as his sister didn’t like the colour of her bridesmaid dress

brides dad being flaky as to whether he was actually turning up or not because he was pissed about not being asked to give her away

brides mother trying to make the day all about her

grooms mother trying to make all the decisions and crying to grooms dad when she was told no, causing grooms dad to have a go at the couple for upsetting his mother

brides mother trying to push the sister bride barely knew front and centre of the wedding, insisting she was to be the maid of honor

in the end they took her grandparents and her finances brother and ran away to Ibiza to get married on the beach. She has absolutely no regrets and actually quite enjoyed the outrage it caused 😂 the family members who knew nothing about it happening until afterwards were livid but after all the stress they had caused beforehand, she felt the outrage was her (and her fiance who was also thoroughly sick of the lot of them) payback

First post nailed it.

Oh the joys of families at weddings!
Heaven forbid its all about you and the groom......
If i had my wedding again, I would have told most of my family to fuck off rather than trying to please them all. It ruined my day tbh and I wish I had been stronger and put my foot down!

Don't elope.

Have the wedding you want.

This could be very simple, write it out and practise it.

"No mum you cannot do a speech. "

Tell venue to keep microphone private, out of sight until needed. And if anyone grabs the microphone who is not officially doing a speach, take the microphone off them!

Your dad says he won't come to wedding if alcoholic wife cannot cone and drink, so neither of them will be coming and neither of them will be making a speech.

Maybe your beloved grandparents could jointly say something togetber as a speach?

Have your Grandad walk you down the aisle.

Practise saying something simple 'I've made my choice." After you deliver No, you cannot make a speech/walk me down the aiske/bring your alcoholic wife/be my bridesmaid/have a special lunch that no one ekse has/bring your kids....You do not need to explain or excuse anything.

'I've made my choice."

Brides pick their own bridesmaids and your future inlaw cannot be your bridesmaid. No hints. Just tell her straight. You can be kind. You could say "I'm flattened you are interested in being a bridesmaid but I have chosen my bridesmaids."

You are catering the event but any folks not happy with the food choices, can bring a packed lunch.

It's a child-free wedding. End of.

elope and then have an adults only party after? elope to somewhere like the Lakes, take grandparents as witnesses and invite a few people you love and trust to keep their mouth shut.

Def have Grandad give you away.

tell Dad no wife, and if he refuses to come, we'll one less problem.
as Grandad is giving you away, he should do the speech.
tell the best man the only people doing speeches are him and Grandad and he is to redirect if your mother tries it.
as well as pizza id probably look at having some sides, and might be worth asking what else they do only cos not everyone will want to eat pizza all day. not me, I'd love it 🤣.
invite the people you want, and when people don't come, accept it graciously and don't expect a present.
tell dfiance to sort out sister in law if it's his sister or speak to his brother otherwise.

This is YOUR day. This is your FIANCE’s day. It’s is YOUR day to celebrate YOUR love and NOT the whims of other people. You two are the only two who will remember it and celebrate it for the rest of your lives together. Your guests will, no doubt, have a great time and wish you well, but in years to come they will not be looking back on your day with the fondness and happiness that you two will. So make it a day YOU want to remember, because YOU will remember it. They won’t, even with all the best intentions in the world. Those who love you and care for you both will want to see you happy and will cherish you enjoying a day about you. Those that don’t.. well, that says more about them than you.

My advice, for what it is, or isn’t, worth:

1. Tell her you want a traditional, wedding and that means father of the bride speech. Not mother of the bride. And frankly, from the rest of your post, I’m wondering why you want your dad to do it at all. Say no to both and have your grandad do it. And tell the venue exactly who is doing what and when. Be clear, NO surprise speeches!
2. Stop with the hints and be direct. “I’ve chosen my bridesmaids, they will be X, Y and Z. I’m glad you’re looking forward to the day and looking forward to being part of it as a guest. I’m glad you will be able to enjoy the day without having to worry about any of it.”
3. Have your grandad walk you down the aisle and do the speech. You will never forget the moment you do your first look with him as your special person and it will be worth every single second of it. It’ll mean more to you and you will not regret it. Again, if mum and dad don’t recognise why it’s that way… what does that say about them, putting their needs before yours on your day?
4. So tell your dad if that’s what he chooses to do then fine, but you don’t want your day ruined by something that can, and should be avoided. Everyone has a choice here. If they cared about you then A) she would accept that she may not be safe to be in an environment where alcohol is being served and should therefore take steps to remove herself from that situation, or leave when temptation strikes and B) if your dad does not want to go, then again, what does that say and why you would you therefore want him there anyway.
5. Say sorry to fiances nan that the food won’t be to her liking but you’re supportive of her making alternative arrangements for food if she feels that strongly. Heck.. you can help make her a packed lunch. She won’t starve to death in the several hours she’s at the wedding.
6. Then have a child free wedding. Again, you two are the only two that will look back on this day and remember it all. No one else. Do your wedding your way. Those who care will come, those who don’t, or can’t because of childcare, won’t. At the end of the day, you’ll be surrounded by people who do want to be there, or have made the effort to be there. And they are the best guests at the end of the day!

Have it your way. Have fun and don’t feel guilty for it. Make sure it’s the best day of your life and you will always have the best memories. Congratulations - I truly hope it is the happiest day of your life.