To not want to do the following things at my wedding?

[chilibandit]

i suppose this is a few AIBU in one so here goes!

For some context, I have a difficult relationship with my parents but a great relationship with grandparents. Owing to lots of different things I’m very much a people pleaser and usually go along with what everyone wants even to my own detriment.

I’m getting married and I am currently having the following issues:

1. My mother wants to do a speech at the wedding. When I say no she gets very affronted and says it isn’t fair my dad gets to do one (they are divorced and always acting like this). I’m honestly worried she’s going to tell the venue she’s doing one as a ‘surprise’. If she did do one it would be all about her and how wonderful she is.
2. My future SIL wants to be a bridesmaid and I don’t want her to be. I want my two best friends and my cousin (who is like my sister) to be my bridesmaids. SIL is very argumentative and keeps asking about it and isn’t really getting my hints. If it makes any difference I wasn’t allowed to be a bridesmaid at her wedding last year as “I might not be around in the future so it would be awkward if i was in all the pictures”.
3. i would like my grandad to walk me down the aisle. He is my best friend and practically raised me (along with my other grandparents). My mother is affronted I don’t want her when she’s “been so much better than my dad” and my dad is offended that I don’t want him even though he barely knows me. I’m tempted to have dad and grandad but I don’t really want to.
4. My dads wife is an alcoholic and has refused to not have a drink that day. My dad says if she can’t go then he won’t go. If she attends and drinks then she will cause a major kick off.
5. my fiancés nan is being extremely fussy over the menu. We’re having a pizza van to try and please all fussy eaters etc and she won’t eat “foreign food” so is kicking off that she’ll be hungry all day. (Kind of unrelated but at SILs wedding she only served food I was allergic to so I ordered a takeaway and ate outside! At no point did I even mention this at the time as it wasn’t my day)
6. we would like a child free wedding as we both had to raise our own siblings (who are now adults). We’d like an opportunity to let our hair down and have a fun party with other adults without worrying we’ll trip over a child! Fiancés family have said this isn’t fair to their 4-8 yr olds as they “love a party”

im sure I’ll think of some more but this is it at the moment! It’s also already so long I can see.

my AIBU is whether I should give in to any of these or whether I’m justified in putting my foot down for once and saying I want things my way for once (obviously my fiancés way too, he clearly has input into everything!)

All of what you want sounds entirely reasonable. You need to be strong and tell people you want things done your way as it's your wedding.

If you think telling each person face to face will be upsetting, or they'll shout you down, you could write each one a letter clearly setting out the issues, then you have time to word it and say why you want it.

For example, write to your dad and say that you very much want him there, but because you've seen the unfortunate results of his wife having too much to drink, and you know she will at a wedding, you simply don't want to spend your own wedding day feeling anxious and worrying about her, so you're very sorry but she won't be invited. If he chooses not to come you'll be sad, but it's your last word on the situation.

Re your mum and a speech, tell her clearly that she won't be making one, if you're worried that she might stand up and make one, you have to inform the wedding coordinator/ manager of the possibility, they'll have seen it all before. Get them to announce before each speech who is doing it so there's no chance she can do one. Forewarn the best man or someone else on top table so they can say no if she looks like she's standing up.

Ahh okay, fair enough op xx

Although it sounds like her and your dad were both shite - i'd ban both of them from giving speeches!

This.

Seriously if you go ahead with the wedding the way you have described you will be so miserable. You’ll also be setting a precedent for how people can treat you on going.
Put your foot down. People will kick off. Let them.. they can stay at home if they want to.
i know this is very hard for people pleasers but why are you so worried about what upsetting people when they absolutely do not give a shit about upsetting you??

It's also traditional to have your father walk you down the aisle but, if I recall correctly, you've chosen to have your grandfather perform this role as he raised you, so why not have your grandfather give the speech? Surely he'll have greater insight to offer. I hope you'll have a lovely day.

Just smile and announce what the plan is. When people push back, just say, "I understand that's how you feel, but" and then repeat the plan. There's no need to give any reasons! That just invites discussion.

Your grandad alone should be walking you down the aisle. Your fiancé's nan can be told again what the options are. Your grandad can give a speech if you like, but definitely not either of your parents. This is your day!!

Also, if you plan to have children, do think of this wedding as your first opportunity to set boundaries with your family and establish who makes decisions about your life with your husband - you, him, you both, or everyone else? You will thank me later!

Your mum gets told no

Dad and his wife won't be coming by the sounds of it which makes the above easier

Grandad walks you down the aisle as he's your dad figure - easily explained

Sil is told you have your BMs sorted, your closest friends

If you wish to exclude children, then you accept some people may be unable to attend and it will cause bad feeling - but it's ultimately your choice

I can't remember if I missed any!

Have a great day!

Honestly after reading a lot of comments I am leaning towards saying neither of them should do one!

I might just say it’ll be groom, maid of honour and my grandad (best man doesn’t want to do a speech and my best friend is super keen to do one!)

Guest list

Here is a concept my own MIL told me about guests. She said that the fewer you have, the fewer you offend. It makes sense - if the circle of guests is quite small, the offended ones are the group in the ‘next ring around’ but they are still quite few in number. Does that make sense?

(Having said that, we still had way too many, but anyway.)

Say no and if people get offended and flounce off then let them get on with it. Ensure that best man and maid of honour/ bridesmaids no your dm is not to do a speech.

I haven’t read your whole thread OP, so I apologise if I’ve missed relevant bits. I had a similar situation with people with their own opinions. The critical thing that got us through was the people I’ll refer to as our “tried and tested.” The venue was informed who was doing speeches. No compromise. No surprises. Anyone suggesting anything of the kind was referred to the best man - a huge rugby playing bloke with very clear instructions who was far more frightened of me than anyone else 😉. Bridesmaids - my cousin is effectively my sister. My sister? There’s an invite and that’s it. Don’t like it? Don’t come. If you come and cause issues, that same cousin was briefed on how to deal with it. MiL pulled a stunt of not coming down for the evening so as she “didn’t feel well.” Not a problem, maid of honour was briefed so when she came out with this MoH went to her room, made sure she was okay and we were none the wiser. Build your team around you now OP. This is your day, your rules. Anyone not playing by them can leave

What a palaver! Why bother with the expense and so much hassle? It doesn't sound as if whatever decisions you end up making, that your day is going to be memorable in a good way. If I were you, I'd just have a registry marriage and go on a nice foreign holiday with your DH.

Remember this is meant to be the best day of your life.
My mum never came to my wedding but ultimately it was her choice and I didn't put my foot down as such.
Put a stop to all these decisions before your big day. You need full control now as on the day you won't have time or energy. Believe me it will fly by.
I'm divorced now but I stupidly let my now ex mother in law have a big say in our wedding regarding guests etc etc and it did nothing other than lead to massive debts for years after the wedding. Don't make my mistake. Its your day you control it.

You have an expectations issue here.

You do deserve better. But the reality is you KNOW these people are awful. So you KNOW you won’t get better. Therefore what are your expectations are being built on?

I know you hope somehow some way you’ll be able to do something that will change their behaviour or allow you to have a good day, but that isn’t a reality IF you keep your expectations resting on a hopeful, imaginary version of these people.

You need to either adjust your expectations to reality - when they’re pricks it won’t hurt as much because you had no illusions. It might even amuse you.

or you need to be tough and get married quietly with your grandparents. (Even do it first the week or month before with just them only and do a fake wedding if that helps).

Honestly I know how it sucks because it’s futile to stand up to them because they’ll just turn on you and make you the bad guy. But that means you either cut them off/out and deal with that or you just take a step back, accept reality and maybe even find it amusing. Think of them as characters in a sitcom.

You’ve just reminded me of so much of my wedding stress ten years ago that I blocked out! We too had some troublesome family members and odd requests that made me feel sick when I thought about them. So many ‘what if this happens’ raised by those who really should be making the day easier for us.

If it helps my alcoholic FIL came and drunk himself stupid. All he did was stand up to give a speech, cry and sit back down so he just made an arse of himself without being too much of a spectacle.

It’s such a shame we can’t choose our family members but I’m so pleased you have your grandparents. I wish just one of mine at least could have been alive for my wedding. Very best wishes for a happy day, I hope you can try and focus on the happiness of it all on the day.

The only things I regret from our wedding are things where I was told I 'had' to do something neither of us were bothered about. We scrapped loads of the main traditions, didn't even have the order of the day that most people go for. We started with the drinks reception, we were both there to greet the guests, didn't bother with the 'keeping the bride hidden' thing. Had some speeches before the ceremony and some after. Noone walked anyone anywhere, DH and I went to meet the registrars for the chat and then danced down the aisle together to do the vows. Didn't have a cake, wasn't fussed about a first dance but gave in in the end. You can take and leave any parts you like including speeches.

Think if you're organising and paying for it then what you say goes. If they don't like it then they don't have to come 🤷🏼‍♀️

Give the venue a list of speakers, make it crystal clear there are to be no surprises. Tell your dad's partner she can't drink, she won't come, neither will he, grandad gets to walk you down the aisle and no drunk stepmum, problem solved.

SIL isn't a bridesmaid, end of discussion. Ask one of the bridesmaids to order grandma some fish and chips on just eat (she's bu but it's an easy fix). Wedding is kid free, people who don't want to attend are free not to.

Thank you and goodnight!

Great idea!!

Be brave @chilibandit… it will be uncomfortable but you’ll feel liberated. Sounds like your grandparents are very important to you.. I’d make it clear to them by the roles you choose for them on the day.

Reading this made me so glad I eloped.

You’re so right that I should be making it clear who is most special to me. Putting it like that has made me realise that is what’s important.

I’m definitely going to stand firm on grandad down the aisle and speech front. Thank you to everyone’s kind words of advice so far.

my best friend is small but mighty, she won’t take shit from anyone. She knows all about my family so I’m sure she’ll be on 100% alert all day for any trouble. My fiancés best friend is 6’5 and built like a rugby player, so I might tell them to plot a game plan for any issues to remove people 🤣

I can understand your mum being annoyed that FOB gives a speech and MOB doesn't, traditionally, as it seems sexist, but then, if MOB does, why not MOG and FOG and what if there's lots of step parents?
But the point is that it's your choice, and your groom's. No one else. As long as he's in agreement, it's up to you. SIL has a cheek-there's never a guarantee with a wedding anyway!

1. Just say no
2. Just say no… why do you care? She didn’t care about you. Why even waste time thinking about it!
3. Have your grandad do it then
4. sounds like the easy way to not have your dad there and no need to worry about number 3
5. she’ll get over it.
6. Its your choice but don’t expect the people with kids to come they may not have a babysitter

Have the wedding you want because (hopefully) you will only do it once! If you don't you will feel resentful. If other people are upset with your choices they don't have to come, and that might actually be a good thing. Be calm, polite and consistent. Just keep repeating "This is what we want".

I do think everyone is right and if I don’t put my foot down now I never will. I do want a wedding and for certain people to be there so don’t want to elope but I do see why that advice has been given.

i agree that if I don’t do something now then it will be my future children who suffer. I don’t want my parents to have much contact with any potential dc due to their issues so you’re all right that I need to start that boundary now before it becomes worse. I suppose if they cut me off or something then that is a reflection on them

Could you just have a small ceremony with your grandparents and fiancé's parents and any other close friends/relatives that you are both fond of? And forget about trying to keep all the awkward folk sweet?
But whatever you decide, it's your wedding, so you do it your way.

Why not move the church date forward and take your grandparents and someone who is important to the groom. Get married as you want. Go and have a lovely quiet meal or whatever you want.
Then use the venue for a party on the original day.