To not want to do the following things at my wedding?

[chilibandit]

i suppose this is a few AIBU in one so here goes!

For some context, I have a difficult relationship with my parents but a great relationship with grandparents. Owing to lots of different things I’m very much a people pleaser and usually go along with what everyone wants even to my own detriment.

I’m getting married and I am currently having the following issues:

1. My mother wants to do a speech at the wedding. When I say no she gets very affronted and says it isn’t fair my dad gets to do one (they are divorced and always acting like this). I’m honestly worried she’s going to tell the venue she’s doing one as a ‘surprise’. If she did do one it would be all about her and how wonderful she is.
2. My future SIL wants to be a bridesmaid and I don’t want her to be. I want my two best friends and my cousin (who is like my sister) to be my bridesmaids. SIL is very argumentative and keeps asking about it and isn’t really getting my hints. If it makes any difference I wasn’t allowed to be a bridesmaid at her wedding last year as “I might not be around in the future so it would be awkward if i was in all the pictures”.
3. i would like my grandad to walk me down the aisle. He is my best friend and practically raised me (along with my other grandparents). My mother is affronted I don’t want her when she’s “been so much better than my dad” and my dad is offended that I don’t want him even though he barely knows me. I’m tempted to have dad and grandad but I don’t really want to.
4. My dads wife is an alcoholic and has refused to not have a drink that day. My dad says if she can’t go then he won’t go. If she attends and drinks then she will cause a major kick off.
5. my fiancés nan is being extremely fussy over the menu. We’re having a pizza van to try and please all fussy eaters etc and she won’t eat “foreign food” so is kicking off that she’ll be hungry all day. (Kind of unrelated but at SILs wedding she only served food I was allergic to so I ordered a takeaway and ate outside! At no point did I even mention this at the time as it wasn’t my day)
6. we would like a child free wedding as we both had to raise our own siblings (who are now adults). We’d like an opportunity to let our hair down and have a fun party with other adults without worrying we’ll trip over a child! Fiancés family have said this isn’t fair to their 4-8 yr olds as they “love a party”

im sure I’ll think of some more but this is it at the moment! It’s also already so long I can see.

my AIBU is whether I should give in to any of these or whether I’m justified in putting my foot down for once and saying I want things my way for once (obviously my fiancés way too, he clearly has input into everything!)

1. no speeches from either parent
2. suggest she asks her DB if she can be a groomswoman for him
3. granddad, obviously.
4. she’s not invited - if your dad doesn’t want to come as a result, that’s 1 & 3 above sorted.
5. get your fiancé to ask what she’d like to eat, & source it, within reason & in ready meal form. If he CBA, he can tell her that.
6. again, let your fiancé deal with his family - he wants it child free, so the various family kids can enjoy a party another time
7. tell everyone you’ve decided to get married, just the two of you, on a remote island with a celebrant & two waiters/your granddad & one person chosen by your fiancé/two puffins as witnesses.

You will absolutely DEFINITELY then be having a huge family celebration with all parents, their partners, siblings & everyone’s kids, with free flowing booze & an open mic policy on speeches. Absolutely. Any day now.

Continue vaguely planning this for 20 years, until everyone who might kick off is either dead or over being affronted, & you have a couple of strapping young adult dc to act as bouncers, just in case.

This is so kind and really made me smile! I’m so touched by so many strangers kind words :)

Fuck tradition, and fuck anyone who thinks they can influence your choices.

Do not do anything you don't want to do, with your whole heart.

first post nails it… go away just the two of you

I agree - elope. Take your grandparents, your best friends and cousin with you and a small number of key people from your partners friends/family. Have a ball.

Arrange a party after you're married and invite everyone to the wedding bash.

It'll be a real opportunity to let your hair down as the actual wedding has already happened.

If there's hassle let others get het up about it.

Thank you so much, you’re so kind! I have chosen my dress! I don’t want my fiancé to see (not that he would have a clue what my mumsnet name is 🤣) but I will attach a pic to this comment of the same style

Absolutely none of what you want is unreasonable.

If you really won’t elope (and I get why), do exactly as you and your DP please, knowing that it might be the very catalyst you need to free yourself of some human baggage.

See the wedding day as a fresh start, where those who love and respect you can choose to be a part of your new life or walk away from it if they can’t get over themselves.

I’d run away to Vegas if I were you!

Can’t comment on the rest (although they sound a bloody nightmare) but food vans are really tricky.

they can’t do very many pizzas/whatever quickly so the food will be really spread out in time.
it’ll also be a nightmare for coeliacs/vegans. In all honesty you might find doing a cold buffet of some kind as well helpful if you’re going to do this

Elope.

Weddings are a pain in the arse.

Just to add for the odd comment which has questioned it, my fiancé is so so supportive of everything! He’s involved but has basically said “I like this one as I can tell it makes you happy/is your favourite etc to most things” he’s truly an angel. He also stands up to my family when I can’t, so if they do need to be told then he will. He does also stand up to his sister and finds her attitude difficult but doesn’t push this as much due to their childhood, which I do understand

Yeah, cancel it all and either elope or get hitched in a registry with two witnesses.

There is also a selection of other foods too, just the pizzas as the ‘hot’ food choice! We don’t have any allergy issues thankfully so don’t have to worry about that one

Town hall or registry office wedding with grandparents only. This sounds like cack otherwise. Too many massive selfish egos only thinking of themselves as it stands.

PLEASE do exactly as you want. You cannot please everyone and whatever you do, someone will always complain. It is YOUR day. If others don’t like it, they don’t come! As for children, too bad, it’s not about them and they have their own parties to go to, don’t let them ruin your adult day. This day, above any other in your life, should be all about YOU and your finance.

Oh i think yabu on 1 and 3

Your mum raised you alone by the sounds of it, but shes not giving a speech or walking you down the aisle?! Thats awful op sorry

Everything else yanbu - I laughed at your sil - what a bellend 😄

Your wedding, your rules! I had a similar grandad issue, I was going to walk down the aisle by myself, I ended up asking my brother as I freaked out a bit at the last minute! It worked out as a really good compromise

Stunning dress OP - really beautiful.

I like a big wedding so if you want one, have one. Tbh the more you put your foot down the easier it will be. You’ve been able to tell us what you would actually like, so just do that with a big smile for each one, and keep doing it. Because you know once you’ve dealt with all of these issues, they will come up with more, don’t you? Alllll the way to the wedding.

Incidentally, something that I think will be quite necessary for you will be a day-of coordinator. I have booked quite an inexpensive gentle one, but I talked to another who was an absolute ball buster, I would have picked her but she lives a long way away so pricey for travel. For the day, I can guarantee you are going to be hassled by pinprick nonsense from all these people. Have a person in a black suit with resting bitch face who you can sweetly direct all the questions to - ‘oh Cruella is dealing with all that, just ask her’ while remaining on a cloud yourself.

If it were me I’d book the church on a weekday just before lunch and have the ceremony with your grandparents and people you want to witness it, then all go out for a meal.

Use the venue for a party on the given day, but par it back a bit, although you could hire a celebrant to put something together to give the party a bit of focus. Your actual wedding day would always have been calm and special then.

Did you miss the bit about them
wanting a child free wedding? Inviting one or two kids just opens a whole new world of pain - why wasn’t Billy-Bob invited? Why isn’t Mabel a flower girl? Blah blah blah - you either invite all the kids or none of the kids.

You and your fiancé have a frank talk about who want to be there when you marry and the role you want them to have. Then grit your teeth and tell all the relatives this is the plan. Don't come if you don't like it. It is only a day but it is start of hopefully a lifetime commitment. You don't need bells and whistles but you will remember your grand dad walking you down the aisle till the end of your days.
With hind sight I wish I had "eloped" even with only 14 at.my wedding I could happily have done without at least.6 of them.
Good luck. Be happy. If you have children you will be amazed at how.much you will be forgiven for.

My grandparents had much more of an input than my mother, and without getting too into it her various choices of boyfriends have done their share of damage! So I don’t really feel as though I owe her much. I tend to try and get on for grandparents sake but that’s about it

You can have a small church wedding you know?
Granddad walks you down the aisle, all the other annoying people don't come. Especially don't invite your dad's wife (bonus if your dad doesn't come), no speeches (they are boring anyway), anyone who doesn't like pizza needn't come.

Thank you so much!! I feel like a princess in it!

My current (less stressful) thought is whether I want a traditional veil for walking down the aisle or if I just want the dress to be shown off :)