To not want to do the following things at my wedding?

[chilibandit]

i suppose this is a few AIBU in one so here goes!

For some context, I have a difficult relationship with my parents but a great relationship with grandparents. Owing to lots of different things I’m very much a people pleaser and usually go along with what everyone wants even to my own detriment.

I’m getting married and I am currently having the following issues:

1. My mother wants to do a speech at the wedding. When I say no she gets very affronted and says it isn’t fair my dad gets to do one (they are divorced and always acting like this). I’m honestly worried she’s going to tell the venue she’s doing one as a ‘surprise’. If she did do one it would be all about her and how wonderful she is.
2. My future SIL wants to be a bridesmaid and I don’t want her to be. I want my two best friends and my cousin (who is like my sister) to be my bridesmaids. SIL is very argumentative and keeps asking about it and isn’t really getting my hints. If it makes any difference I wasn’t allowed to be a bridesmaid at her wedding last year as “I might not be around in the future so it would be awkward if i was in all the pictures”.
3. i would like my grandad to walk me down the aisle. He is my best friend and practically raised me (along with my other grandparents). My mother is affronted I don’t want her when she’s “been so much better than my dad” and my dad is offended that I don’t want him even though he barely knows me. I’m tempted to have dad and grandad but I don’t really want to.
4. My dads wife is an alcoholic and has refused to not have a drink that day. My dad says if she can’t go then he won’t go. If she attends and drinks then she will cause a major kick off.
5. my fiancés nan is being extremely fussy over the menu. We’re having a pizza van to try and please all fussy eaters etc and she won’t eat “foreign food” so is kicking off that she’ll be hungry all day. (Kind of unrelated but at SILs wedding she only served food I was allergic to so I ordered a takeaway and ate outside! At no point did I even mention this at the time as it wasn’t my day)
6. we would like a child free wedding as we both had to raise our own siblings (who are now adults). We’d like an opportunity to let our hair down and have a fun party with other adults without worrying we’ll trip over a child! Fiancés family have said this isn’t fair to their 4-8 yr olds as they “love a party”

im sure I’ll think of some more but this is it at the moment! It’s also already so long I can see.

my AIBU is whether I should give in to any of these or whether I’m justified in putting my foot down for once and saying I want things my way for once (obviously my fiancés way too, he clearly has input into everything!)

@chilibandit don’t elope. Have your wedding day and have it exactly as you both want it. The others will get onboard eventually.

In the meantime, stop sharing details. If you get asked questions, keep your answers vague; just say, yes, I have that part all arranged with the relevant person/people already.

SIL being bridesmaid? I could understand if she was a child and you want to include her as a flower girl, but an adult desperately wanting to be a bridesmaid just seems odd, especially if she isn’t one of your close friends. Ask your fiancé to have a word, saying, that you’d feel comfortable just with your close best friends rather than a mix of people that don’t know each other.

Re food. Just incase not everyone likes pizza (like Nan) maybe have some fancy sandwiches available too. Then you’ve got the fussy eaters catered.

As in was reading the post Gretna Green came to mind as being the best solution.

Nothing you have listed is you being unreasonable. It’s your day so it’s your way. The audacity of your SIL saying she wants to be bridesmaid when she didn’t have you as hers, and for such a horrid reason too!! Your grandparents sound lovely, focus on them and try not to let the others over power your decisions. The word No is a full sentence. Hope you have a wonderful day.

100% put your foot down. Set your stall out now. Lay down the law - stop hinting. You got this.

Mother does not get to make the speech. Tell/text her. Alert the the venue/MC to stop her if she tries to muscle in

Why is your Father making a speech if he barely knows you? Ask your granddad to make the speech and tell your parents, it's your choice and they can duke in out in the car park.

Tell SIL - no you cannot be a bridesmaid. I have chosen my bridesmaids. I only want three. NO MORE HINTS. You don't owe her anything

Fussy Grandmother of Fiance - upthread a poster suggested getting her a meal deal or making her some sandwiches.

Drunken wife of Dad ...... Assign a trusted male relative/friend to keep a close eye on her. The minute it looks as if she has had drink too much, he will escort her out. Make sure your Father know this is the situation. There will be a zero tolerance of her ruining the day or making a scene. The fact that he has said he would not attend if she is not invited is another reason your Grandfather should make the speech.

As for the distant cousins with small children. They are trying it on. Reply now saying, the wedding is not suitable for small children and there will be no other children attending but if the two of you are unable to attend we understand. The children are 4 and 6, I guarantee they will go to more parties that the top table, don't feel guilty.

Let us know how you get on.

I think you need to take a step back and see why you had to raise siblings, why your parents (despite nor raising you) expect to have a say in your big day?

I'd book a session with a counsellor and have some assertiveness training to stand your ground. The repercussions of your standing your ground might be less contact with those family members you do not get on with, which could be a good thing.

Another one voting to elope. They're all behaving like brats. It's your wedding you do it how you want fuck anyone else.

Just tell everyone whats happening. Tell your mum shes not making a speech. Tell the venue also she not, and not even as a surprise. Best thing, take bridesmaids and grandparents and just go and get married. Have a reception/party after. You dont need to worry then. Gretna green is lovely 😍

Could everyone stop telling the OP to elope when she has clearly said a couple of times that's not what she wants? She wants advice on her actual OP.
OP, put your foot down now and don't worry who you offend.

I agree @chilibandit your wedding, your rules. Grandad walks you down the aisle and does a speech. Your choice of bridesmaid. SIL can put up or shut up. Mum and Dad - attend, no speech, tough if they don’t like it.

enjoy your day and I’d probably not have the veil ‘cos the dress is stunning 🥰

Have a quiet register office service with just your grandparents - you could do it before the expected wedding day. Then afterwards tell the rest of them and invite them to a party/meal/day out or whatever to celebrate, as long as no one can take over or make speeches.
I had a very tiny wedding because of family issues - and it was lovely - just the two us and three people who really care for us. It was the best thing ever for us.

I agree with @excelledyourself

"... knowing that it might be the very catalyst you need to free yourself of some human baggage.
See the wedding day as a fresh start, where those who love and respect you can choose to be a part of your new life or walk away from it if they can’t get over themselves."

Please see this a fresh start.

Based on your update re your mum (page 3) I would feel free to bar her too if she kicks off.

Go with your grandparents as witnesses

This.

Genuinely, hire a bouncer to be on standby for all these eventualities. Ask the coordinator for advice. Bet it's been done in that venue already, many times.

Do not cave to anything. This is the one day in your life where you get to decide on all of this stuff.

Cave now and forever hold your peace, for anything going forward where your families are involved.

We had a big traditional wedding in many ways but -

No speeches - day it’s not fair on the best man as he will feel pressured. Also who gets thanked and who doesn’t is a minefield.

No top tables - we were all on round tables of ten and ours had bridesmaids and best man and other half’s so no one split up

No receiving line - just no.

I did have my dad walk me down the aisle as we are close but just makeup something about it being anti feminist or hold firm on grandad

I just wanted to add, OP - you are being very reasonable. Dont get drawn into justifying your decisions - because you dont have to. So if SIL asks about being a bridesmaid, just say “No, im having X, Y and Z only”. And with the parents, just tell them “We are having a child-free wedding”. Just keep repeating - No is a complete sentence (particularly at your wedding).

The only one I might give some leeway is old nan and her fussy eating. Just because, depending on how old she is, I am more lenient with unreasonable oldies! This is assuming she is genuinely elderly (85+) and not 68 or something.

And dont let them get to you. Your parents (and SIL) sound very unworthy. You dont owe them anything.

That sounds like a great idea - I always think it must be awful to have to worry about speeches so if those three want to do one, and you want them to, it sounds perfect!

is the venue providing a host / compere (sorry, not sure about the right term). Might help if anyone else tries to speak. They can cut off the mike.

Some random thoughts:

Your dress is utterly gorgeous, makes me want to get married all over again!

I reckon a lot about how a wedding goes is in the attitude. If you go in expecting everything to be perfect and like something in a film, you're almost certain to be disappointed. If you and your fiance decide you will be happy to be getting married whatever happens, and prepare to treat any drunken shenanigans or whatever as a private joke as far as possible, you can't go too far wrong. We got married on a boiling hot day and at one point DH started feeling a bit sick, so we sneaked off to sit in the garden and cool off for a bit, and he said that was actually really nice cos we got a bit of private time (he felt better after some fresh air luckily!). There were various other minor hiccups too, but they all became stories to look back on.

For his nan, can someone do her a little pack-up of her favourite picnic-style foods to have instead of pizza, so it's like a little treat? As for the speeches and walking down the aisle, you don't have to stick to tradition and in some ways, the more off-piste you go, the easier it is (you can just laugh it off as wanting to do something "a bit crazy"!), compared to doing something nearly traditional but not quite, that might put someone's nose out of joint. So maybe your fiance could ask SIL to be an usher/groomswoman for him (in a dress if she wants!) instead, or some other role? And have completely non-traditional speeches so nobody feels it should have been them - which it sounds like you're already thinking of. (We did that to an extent, in part because my dad really didn't want to do one). A minder or two for your stepmum (and firm promise she'll be sent home at the first sign of trouble), and hopefully you'll be fine. Get a bit creative if necessary, but do what YOU want!

I know a couple that didn’t tell anyone and just went off to the Channel Islands and got married. It looked so light, fun and romantic. Just the two of them done their way. Then they stayed for a little holiday. Thats what I would do if I were you.

Yes but if you want grandad to walk you up the aisle, you don't really care that much about tradition.

Be fair.

If your mum raised you on her own, why shouldn't she get to make a speech in preference to your shitty dad?

I wouldn't have either of them giving speeches, if you don't want her giving one.

Elope with your grandparents?

I’m getting married and I am currently having the following issues:

1. My mother wants to do a speech at the wedding. When I say no she gets very affronted and says it isn’t fair my dad gets to do one (they are divorced and always acting like this). I’m honestly worried she’s going to tell the venue she’s doing one as a ‘surprise’. If she did do one it would be all about her and how wonderful she is.

you tell her it’s your day and she is t doing a speech. And if she does she will be stopped and asked to leave, this is not about her or your father. I would prewarn the event that she is not be stopped if she gets up to do a speech

1. My future SIL wants to be a bridesmaid and I don’t want her to be. I want my two best friends and my cousin (who is like my sister) to be my bridesmaids. SIL is very argumentative and keeps asking about it and isn’t really getting my hints. If it makes any difference I wasn’t allowed to be a bridesmaid at her wedding last year as “I might not be around in the future so it would be awkward if i was in all the pictures”.

Just say no and quote back to her what she said

1. i would like my grandad to walk me down the aisle. He is my best friend and practically raised me (along with my other grandparents). My mother is affronted I don’t want her when she’s “been so much better than my dad” and my dad is offended that I don’t want him even though he barely knows me. I’m tempted to have dad and grandad but I don’t really want to.

tell your father (and mother) that he was not around, your grandfather raised you and he will be walking you down the aisle as it’s your day and what you want goes

1. My dad’s wife is an alcoholic and has refused to not have a drink that day. My dad says if she can’t go then he won’t go. If she attends and drinks then she will cause a major kick off.

I would point out again that she will spoil your day and that’s not acceptable and you are disappointed in him not understanding that. She is not invited and that’s due to her actions. If he chooses not to attend you will miss him but that’s his decision ( and will make your grandfather walking you down the aisle easier)

1. my fiancés nan is being extremely fussy over the menu. We’re having a pizza van to try and please all fussy eaters etc and she won’t eat “foreign food” so is kicking off that she’ll be hungry all day. (Kind of unrelated but at SILs wedding she only served food I was allergic to so I ordered a takeaway and ate outside! At no point did I even mention this at the time as it wasn’t my day)

Tell her this is the food available, if she is not happy she can bring her own or not attend

1. we would like a child free wedding as we both had to raise our own siblings (who are now adults). We’d like an opportunity to let our hair down and have a fun party with other adults without worrying we’ll trip over a child! Fiancés family have said this isn’t fair to their 4-8 yr olds as they “love a party”

Go child free if that’s what you want. Tell them exactly why as you have stated her, but that you understand if they can’t get childcare they won’t be able to come

Stop beating your self up, stick to your plans and those that don’t like it don’t need to attend

Cancel everything. Take your grandparents, 2 best friends and cousin and whomever your fiancé is closest to, have a very quiet ceremony, then go to a restaurant. It will be relaxing and lovely.

I’m in! We ride at dawn!

1 - Tell her no and warn the venue.

2 - Tell her no and say 'because you might not be around in future and that would be awkward in the photos' then flick her the v's.

3 - Have Grandad, tell your Mum to button it or she's not coming. (Which solves 1 absolutely.)

4 - Uninvite Dads Wife and therefore Dad which fixes part of 3 and 1.

5 - ask annoying Nan what sandwich/soup/snack combo she will eat, supply that, do NOT tell anyone else.

6 - be firm on this and make sure some of your 'wedding team' are prepared to firmly eject children (and their accompanying adults).

7 - elope, but take grandparents with. You don't have to elope to the Seychelles.

Vegas