To not want to do the following things at my wedding?

[chilibandit]

i suppose this is a few AIBU in one so here goes!

For some context, I have a difficult relationship with my parents but a great relationship with grandparents. Owing to lots of different things I’m very much a people pleaser and usually go along with what everyone wants even to my own detriment.

I’m getting married and I am currently having the following issues:

1. My mother wants to do a speech at the wedding. When I say no she gets very affronted and says it isn’t fair my dad gets to do one (they are divorced and always acting like this). I’m honestly worried she’s going to tell the venue she’s doing one as a ‘surprise’. If she did do one it would be all about her and how wonderful she is.
2. My future SIL wants to be a bridesmaid and I don’t want her to be. I want my two best friends and my cousin (who is like my sister) to be my bridesmaids. SIL is very argumentative and keeps asking about it and isn’t really getting my hints. If it makes any difference I wasn’t allowed to be a bridesmaid at her wedding last year as “I might not be around in the future so it would be awkward if i was in all the pictures”.
3. i would like my grandad to walk me down the aisle. He is my best friend and practically raised me (along with my other grandparents). My mother is affronted I don’t want her when she’s “been so much better than my dad” and my dad is offended that I don’t want him even though he barely knows me. I’m tempted to have dad and grandad but I don’t really want to.
4. My dads wife is an alcoholic and has refused to not have a drink that day. My dad says if she can’t go then he won’t go. If she attends and drinks then she will cause a major kick off.
5. my fiancés nan is being extremely fussy over the menu. We’re having a pizza van to try and please all fussy eaters etc and she won’t eat “foreign food” so is kicking off that she’ll be hungry all day. (Kind of unrelated but at SILs wedding she only served food I was allergic to so I ordered a takeaway and ate outside! At no point did I even mention this at the time as it wasn’t my day)
6. we would like a child free wedding as we both had to raise our own siblings (who are now adults). We’d like an opportunity to let our hair down and have a fun party with other adults without worrying we’ll trip over a child! Fiancés family have said this isn’t fair to their 4-8 yr olds as they “love a party”

im sure I’ll think of some more but this is it at the moment! It’s also already so long I can see.

my AIBU is whether I should give in to any of these or whether I’m justified in putting my foot down for once and saying I want things my way for once (obviously my fiancés way too, he clearly has input into everything!)

Elope!

I wish it was this simple but I will try to follow the sentiment of this at least!

Book a registry office.
Have your grandparents as witnesses and guests.
Go to a nice restaurant afterwards and have a lovely meal with them.

Tell everyone afterwards that you’re now married and the original “save the date” is now a post wedding party, evening only, with no speeches etc, it’s just a meal and a dance and a celebration of your marriage .

Job done with minimal hassle.

Dad doesn't come (if the wife won't lay off the booze); then he won't be making a speech so dm can't complain she isn't. Everything else is fine - stick to your guns.

Or else have granddad do the (only) speech and mum walks you down the aisle - she won't embarrass you if she isn't talking.

I am thinking that I may need to brief a few friends to be on watch for any issues and then asking people to leave etc but that just feels so petty!!

We plan close friends. Register office. Drinks and a curry for those that stay the day. Nice hotel night for us. End. Easy no?

Step mum not invited so dad won’t go, which means grandad is free to walk you down the aisle and can give a small speech so there’s no competition between mum and dad, so mum won’t demand to do a speech!
No more hinting to SIL, when it comes up next tell her you’ve already got your bridal party lined up and put on the invites that it’s child free, no exceptions! Then sit back, relax and look forward to your big day 🤩

It's YOUR special day. Do exactly what you and your husband want. Anyone else doesn't like it, oh well. They can have their own wedding.

I’d lose the deposit here and cancel-honestly, it sounds like it’ll be awful! Do you really want to pay thousands more to have this toxic memory forevermore?!

Your wedding, your rules. Don’t give in to any of the demands. You give an inch and they will take a mile. “Best man and groom speeches only”. No exception. Ask the wedding coordinator to enforce it and why. Bridesmaids are your choice and “SIL, no, it’s for me and my closest girls”. Non-negotiable. “I will be walking myself down the aisle”. Honestly, just don’t give in to any of them. You are your own person and so nobody will be giving you away. “No children at the wedding I’m afraid.”

Sunk cost fallacy. What you’ve spent is gone anyway, just take grandparents as witnesses to a registry office and be done with it. Have a really small special day with the people who you actually value the most.
The whole thing just sounds like a drama waiting to happen and like it wouldn’t run smoothly, with you also spending the entire day on tenterhooks just waiting for someone to be a dick,

Stop and start again.

Work out what you actually want-
local church.
granddad walk you in.
3 attendants.
Pizza

Then work out how to frame it to the various tricky people. Ask the venue to do cheese and biscuits for fiancé’s nan, as she has a restricted diet. Tell SiL she isn’t a bridesmaid, it’s not that sort of wedding.

Tell your friends/cousin that you want call them bridesmaids, but you absolutely want them involved in all the usual ways. Arrange the dress shop, the getting ready together etc. Just don’t get them matching posies. Dress them in a theme rather than matching outfits.

Tell your parents, there will be no speeches.

They’re rude and awkward, but that’s how some folk are. You just work around it.

You shouldn't have to elope to escape other people being problematic: have the lovely wedding that you want in your way.

this.

if you go ahead, we’ll all come and act as security/bouncers. Dad, Mum, Step-Mum and kids won’t stand a chance against us!

It seems to me that as you say both you and DF had to raise your own siblings, that the parents were all absent or useless. So

1. No reason to have your mum give a speech, especially as you don;t trust her to make it appropriate.
2. You say you barely know your Dad, so no reason for him to give a speech either. As he's said that he might not attend at all, then he's clearly not bothered.
3. Your dad's wife ( who you presumably don't know very well either) sounds like she is likely to cause trouble. She has refused to compromise, so I wouldn't have her there.
4. Grandad sounds nice, so a god choice to walk you down the aisle and to give a speech.
5. SiL doesn't sound very nice either, but if DH is close to her then maybe he could have her as a grooms person.
6. If you don't want children at the wedding then you don't need to have them. Personally I think it is a bit divisive not to include family children, but it os your choice.
7. Why are all these other people giving their opinions? I think you should stop discussing your plans with anyone except DF, they are a bunch of CFs to be making demands ( unless they are paying, which I doubt).

Your grandad brought you up and is your best friend. He gives you away and he does the speech.

Uninvite your dad and his alcoholic wife, and then tell your mum he's not doing a speech so neither is she and that's that.

Your choice of food. Everyone puts up with that. Nan can get something else herself.

Let the kids come. Your fiancé's family sound relatively easy!

Edited to add: forgot the SIL. She didn't have you so same in return. Have your own choice of bridesmaid. I'm assuming you'll let your fiance choose his own best man so again, fair's fair.

Sorted.

Go abroad and scrap this and don’t tell anyone you don’t want there!
invite who you want
this sounds like a right circus!

1,2,3 and 6 are entirely your decisions. You just need to be more assertive and stop dropping hints or allowing others to twist your arm.
4, as PP has said you need to tell you dad she’s welcome but you expect her to be removed if she starts kicking off and he needs to keep an eye to ensure she doesn’t get to that stage.
5, there’s always someone who has a view on the food. Arrange something else for her. Having said that how on earth does a pizza van work at a wedding? I don’t know how big your wedding is but can they really churn out that many pizzas in short order? Does everyone just sit there with a box in front of them? It seems a little ‘informal’ if you have an expensive venue.

Speak to the venue, explain the unfolding nightmare and ask nicely for your deposit back. Worth a try

hold firm!
you are not unreasonable

I’d cancel, lose the deposit and go to Gretna Green. Take the Grandparents with you.

I was thinking along these lines too

You sound a lovely person OP - I hope you have a fantastic day and that your loyal supportive grandparents enjoy it hugely as well.

Have you thought about your dress? Exciting

In your position I would just go off quietly with my man, get married privately and maybe have a party to celebrate later. There's no fixed protocol for that.

I think you need to face reality - this wedding is going to be stressful.

I just want to echo what most other people have said - take your grandparents and get married in private with them.