To not want to do the following things at my wedding?

[chilibandit]

i suppose this is a few AIBU in one so here goes!

For some context, I have a difficult relationship with my parents but a great relationship with grandparents. Owing to lots of different things I’m very much a people pleaser and usually go along with what everyone wants even to my own detriment.

I’m getting married and I am currently having the following issues:

1. My mother wants to do a speech at the wedding. When I say no she gets very affronted and says it isn’t fair my dad gets to do one (they are divorced and always acting like this). I’m honestly worried she’s going to tell the venue she’s doing one as a ‘surprise’. If she did do one it would be all about her and how wonderful she is.
2. My future SIL wants to be a bridesmaid and I don’t want her to be. I want my two best friends and my cousin (who is like my sister) to be my bridesmaids. SIL is very argumentative and keeps asking about it and isn’t really getting my hints. If it makes any difference I wasn’t allowed to be a bridesmaid at her wedding last year as “I might not be around in the future so it would be awkward if i was in all the pictures”.
3. i would like my grandad to walk me down the aisle. He is my best friend and practically raised me (along with my other grandparents). My mother is affronted I don’t want her when she’s “been so much better than my dad” and my dad is offended that I don’t want him even though he barely knows me. I’m tempted to have dad and grandad but I don’t really want to.
4. My dads wife is an alcoholic and has refused to not have a drink that day. My dad says if she can’t go then he won’t go. If she attends and drinks then she will cause a major kick off.
5. my fiancés nan is being extremely fussy over the menu. We’re having a pizza van to try and please all fussy eaters etc and she won’t eat “foreign food” so is kicking off that she’ll be hungry all day. (Kind of unrelated but at SILs wedding she only served food I was allergic to so I ordered a takeaway and ate outside! At no point did I even mention this at the time as it wasn’t my day)
6. we would like a child free wedding as we both had to raise our own siblings (who are now adults). We’d like an opportunity to let our hair down and have a fun party with other adults without worrying we’ll trip over a child! Fiancés family have said this isn’t fair to their 4-8 yr olds as they “love a party”

im sure I’ll think of some more but this is it at the moment! It’s also already so long I can see.

my AIBU is whether I should give in to any of these or whether I’m justified in putting my foot down for once and saying I want things my way for once (obviously my fiancés way too, he clearly has input into everything!)

This is not going to be a relaxed day for you

@chilibandit

How are you doing?

Have you set out your boundaries to folks?

Thanks for asking! I have been keeping up with the thread and everyone’s comments but I didn’t feel like I had much more to add!

i did sit my dad down this week and explained that his wife will not be welcome if she’s going to drink, if she refuses to follow that rule she will be asked to leave. I stressed that if this was a dealbreaker to him then I’d be sad that he couldn’t come but that was that. He unsurprisingly said that I couldn’t expect him to not support his wife and so wasn’t sure he’d attend.

I also had a chat with the wedding coordinator and said that under no circumstances should any surprises be allowed by anyone. She was very understanding and said she could make up some rule why various things (like spontaneous speeches) weren’t allowed.

i haven’t got any further than that yet but I do feel like a weight is lifted off me. If he doesn’t come then it’s his loss I guess.

Well done OP. It's an excellent start to achieving the wedding you want and deserve.

It's disappointing that your despite your Father being absent during your childhood, he would put enabling his alcoholic wife above attending his daughter's wedding. But looking on the bright side, it does clear the deck to ask your beloved Grandfather to walk you down the aisle.

So glad that wedding co-ordinator is on your side. Keep us updated with the SIL. bridesmaid wannabe and the distant cousin with the party animal children.

Well done OP, sounds like you handled him well. Let's hope his wife is vocal about drinking and he decides to not attend.

Now - what about your mother?

Your day your way. End of. If your dad’s wife refuses not to drink don’t invite her. If your dad says he’s not coming call his bluff and say ok, you’ve said he barely knows you so no loss there. Tell your mum no speeches - confirm with venue strict rules and maybe have someone in your wedding party ie best man etc that will enforce your requests without there being any stress t you on the day. No to kids - not your problem. Literally be ruthless and do it how you want, it’s one day the moaners will get over it

I sympathise.
we had a carnival of a very distressing run up to our wedding with a similarly difficult family set up.

• I didn’t do this but I wish I had walked down the aisle with my husband to be as we were going into the marriage together.
• I had no bridesmaids. My best friends (male and female) were my attendants and walked in with me.
• we had no family speeches. My best friends (see above) did a kind of quiz. Husband gave a speech as did best man who read a letter from his brother in NZ but no one else did. Got us around this dynamic.
• Both of our families are acrimoniously divorced. We had no top table. Each family member hosted a table. We moved between each table for each course. We ended on the table with our best friends/ attendants.
• we had no children under 12. Yeah it caused a huge kick off with cousins who actually didn’t care about me anyway and it totally screwed the run up to our wedding and family relationships. But tbh it just highlighted problems that were already there.

have the wedding you want. Because you can bend over backwards and those people will not be grateful and there will still be all this difficulty. And you will then begrudge it.

wishing you a life of love and health with your husband to be.

It's YOUR wedding! YOU choose whatever you want. (With agreement from your groom.) If people are invited but choose to not accept the invitation, that's up to them. Stick to your guns, love!

I chose to not serve alcohol at my wedding. Nobody really minded. We toasted with Nosecco! There was a pub like 3 minutes walk away, but nobody went to it!

Make the arrangements as you and your fiancé choose. Don't tell the potential trouble makers what your plans are.

Have a wonderful wedding and celebrate your love!

It's your wedding. You do want you want. Stop talking to them all about your plans.

Tell your bridesmaids/the venue/ wedding organiser at the venue that under NO circumstances is your Mum doing a speech. She will be rugby tackled by those who support you.

Ask your Grandad to walk you down the aisle. Tell your dad: No. Tell your Mum that if she asks again about walking you down the aisle then she will be uninvited.

Put on all your invites 'Children cannot be accommodated at this wedding, sorry.' And stop talking to other people about your wedding. Shut the conversations down.

Tell the bar staff at the venue not to serve your stepmother alcohol. Tell them she is an alcoholic. Tell your dad that you don't want any kick offs at the wedding and you've asked her not to drink for one day, if she can't manage that then do you really want them there anyway?

We solved all these dramas by paying for our own wedding and being firm from the start, we were paying so nobody had any say. We had a child free wedding (aside from our eldest and a bridesmaid's newborn baby) as otherwise it would have added nearly places to the venue which could only accommodate 60. All of our friends/ family were happy to get babysitters/ have a day or evening out.

I'd be putting your foot down more and 'grey rock' style shutting down discussion.

First post nailed it!!

Have a registry office ceremony with just your grandparents present. They can be your witnesses. If anyone is upset, tell them its their own fault for making it so difficult for you both.

I'd go with a firm no to the speech by either parent. Definitely have Grandad walking you down the aisle. Perhaps Grandad might say a few lovely words?Definitely ban the alkie step mother which takes care of the dad who barely knows you. Choose who you want to be bridesmaids, no explanation needed. Pizza is basically bread, tomato and cheese, if she can't eat that because its "foreign", she wont starve, and if she does, she's an adult, just smile and circulate! Definitely stick with the no kids rule. Ppl who want to make a fuss and threaten not to go can sulk and not go, they sound like they wouldn't enhance your day anyway. Have a small, lovely wedding that you both enjoy.

Learn to say NO!

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻Great advice

@chilibanditYou sound so lovely and have a supportive partner and best friend.
You don’t need the toxicity of your Mum, Dad’s alcoholic wife and a bitc*y sister in law.

It’s your wedding. Have things the way you and your fiancé like and let them get on with it. Tell grandma to bring a packed lunch if she doesn’t like the food, tell your SIL thank you but you’ve chosen your bridesmaids, tell your mum to button it and tell your dad it’s ok if he doesn’t come since your grandfather is walking you down the aisle because that’s what you want and that’s a good enough reason

Definitely elope

So your dad who 'barely knows' you is allowed to do a speech but not your mum?

1. Why not remind her it's your wedding? And notify the venue staff that any such surprises are a no no so they can handle it if need to.;

1. Be firm, e.g. I've made my mind and it's not up for a debate. If she presses on, remind her what happened in the past. If she continues to press on, leave the conversation / ignore her. If her own ego won't allow her to move on, that's her problem.;

1. Your dad can be as offended as he likes. Not your problem. Be firm. It's your wedding.;

1. Good. Two problems solved at once. Again, it's your wedding and you don't owe them anything. It's not about them.;

1. Not your problem. No need to cater to everyone. It's about you two.;

1. The kids can love a party as much as they want. Remind the "adults" it's your wedding and these are your preferences and decisions. Don't budge to please anyone.

Definitely elope! Then arrange a small party for family only at a restaurant & a decent bash another night for friends.

If your step mother is an alcaholic it is highly unlikely (even if she tries) that she will make it through the reception wuthout drinking. Personally, I would prefer to have a grandparent walk me down thd isle, rather than someone who barely knows me. Tradition be damned. Why should either of your parents give a speach, neither seem to have earned that right. You also need to be explicitly clear and firm with not so DM, SIL and assorted cousins. Your wedding, your choice and they can choose not to come.

Your SIL is a cheeky so and so, just tell her she will NOT be a bridesmaid at your wedding and remind her you were not a bridesmaid at her wedding.

Its your day OP, have your grandfather walk you down the isle as your bond with your grandfather is strong.

Anyone tries to change your mind or tries to manipulate you into going against your wishes, answer them with a NO. No is harder for them to wriggle out of as it is a closed answer.

This

My thoughts exactly!

none of the things you mention seem that troublesome, apart from the alcoholic step mum and SIL; can’t you just be kind and accommodate the others, will it really make such a difference to your day ?

Why ? It’s OP’s day. Why should she accommodate everyone else if these are things she doesn’t want ?