AIBU to expect proper condom disposal and not being left inside me?

[Slv199]

I was with my exH for over 20 years and I’ve not had many sexual partners. I’m not sure about “condom etiquette” and it’s something not talked about.

My exH would always take the condom off and throw it in the bathroom bin. This is what I expect.

I’ve found my new partner just leaves it in the bed, which is gross and I worry my kids might find them. On other occasions I’ve found them inside me the next time I’ve gone to the loo. Which obviously leaves me worried I might get pregnant.

As I don’t have much experience I wondered what others think. AIBU to expect him to put the condom in the bin? Or at least tell me where he left it and definitely not leave it inside me!

OP, this is the only thing anyone has been saying to you. The responses you've been getting have been due to your own.

I truly feel awful for you - you've been treated abysmally and no one deserves that. Why don't you start a thread in Relationships asking for red flags in dating to look out for? Explain this kind of thing you've been through, explain your position, and I'm sure people will be more than willing to help.

Just don't shoot the messenger. It's frustrating when women are looking out for other women and getting snide responses. If you want support you absolutely will get it, but you've got to be open to listen.

I really do wish you all the best. I'm sorry you had to experience what you did - it's not normal, and you should never feel wrong for stating a boundary in regards to your own body.

@Slv199 regarding peeing after, the reason women sometimes get a UTI after sex is in part due to the urethra being very short. During sex, even though it’s a tiny hole, some bacteria can end up in the urethra. My GP explained this is why sometimes Cystitis is called ‘honeymooner’s disease’ (or used to be). Anyway, a quick pee after sex will help flush out anything that did work its way in.

Every bloke I’ve used a condom with has taken great pains to hold it in place while withdrawing.

sorry for the graphic description …

When you are in a situation it isn’t always easy to see what is going on. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Like the frog who is put into cold water and doesn’t notice it heating up.

This comment means he’s not making you feel great, that’s sad given you’re in the early stages and also it means you’re not ready for a relationship yet, you need to work on your self esteem so you attract nice men who appreciate you. Good luck, I’m sorry this has happened to you.

You can discuss it with us here. Feel free to pm me if you’d like a personal chat.

You didn’t offend me.

OP this is NOT your fault. Please don’t tell yourself that.
Also as a poster above said, if you don’t feel absolutely fantastic, he’s not making you feel good, which is another very good reason to kick him to the kerb.
Onwards and upwards - I wish you all the best.

Second all of this. You’re just out of a 25 year relationship (not in your OP) so no wonder you feel a bit raw and not understanding certain things. Don’t be so hard on yourself. But please don’t accept nasty behaviour. There are decent guys out there, I’m dating one aged 51 and my DB at 52 well he’s married but he’s lovely. Have faith.

Well technically it is different to not using one. The inside and outside of a condom are covered in spermicide. Hopefully.

How fucking grim. How old are your children OP, why would they find them?

Well I think you sound awesome, OP 😍

I'm sorry you've had such a shitty experience with this bloke. I had plenty of losers too. I don't think I realised at the time that I was lonely. At least you do!

Can I recommend small music festivals as a place to meet someone and make friends? Find one in a lovely place that features your favourite music. That narrows things down to people with similar tastes, which is important. And the thing about a festival is that you can just wander around, get into chats with all sorts of people, wander off if you want to, get lost in the crowd, zoom in again to something/someone that catches your interest.

I’d rather have 10 cats and dress head to toe in purple than have standards this low.

He sounds gross.

12 and 15. The 12 year old sleeps in my bed sometimes, she is suffering from anxiety made worse by the break up and it stops her sleeping when she’s on her own. 15 year old uses the shower in my ensuite so might notice as he wanders through.

Thank you. That is really helpful advice.

Surely you'd be changing the bedsheets before your 12 year daughter slept in the bed anyway...

I love cats and purple. Don't threaten me with a good time.

OP, you can't be that old if pregnancy is still a possibility so I'm going to take a punt that you're not hideous either. And even if you are in fact 500 years old and incredibly fat and ugly, you still don't deserve to be treated like this. Some men really are completely disgusting.

Good idea re music festivals.

You said you’ve only slept with him 3 or 4 times. He’s left a condom in you twice and the other once or twice he’s left it in the bed. I’m now confused after reading your posts how do you not know if it’s 3/4 times?

Wtf! How is ‘leaving inside’ even possible?? Ick x 1m

OP please don’t be so down on yourself

Top answer DairyDebris😆

I’m old and forgetful. Plus I corrected myself to 3/4 occasions rather than times.

Might be worth having a read up on this OP.

it’s very good advice especially as you have a daughter.

common for UTIs to be triggered/caused by sex.

The advice about peeing after sex is correct OP. Nobody's partner is putting his penis into their urinary tract, but generally if you're having vaginal sex the man's penis will rub up against your urethral opening, so bacteria can enter it and ascend the (relatively short) distance to the bladder, where they multiply and give you a UTI. If you pee after sex, then any bacteria that are lurking at the entrance to your urethra will get washed away by your urine - which until it leaves your body is sterile, so perfectly equipped for the job.
I won't weigh in on your chap as you've had plenty of input on him.