AIBU to expect proper condom disposal and not being left inside me?

[Slv199]

I was with my exH for over 20 years and I’ve not had many sexual partners. I’m not sure about “condom etiquette” and it’s something not talked about.

My exH would always take the condom off and throw it in the bathroom bin. This is what I expect.

I’ve found my new partner just leaves it in the bed, which is gross and I worry my kids might find them. On other occasions I’ve found them inside me the next time I’ve gone to the loo. Which obviously leaves me worried I might get pregnant.

As I don’t have much experience I wondered what others think. AIBU to expect him to put the condom in the bin? Or at least tell me where he left it and definitely not leave it inside me!

The urethra is close to the vagina and bacteria can travel through the urethra to the bladder during sex, which in turn can cause a UTI, so it's recommended, to pee after sex to flush out bacteria.

Just a potentially useful suggestion for someone who may not know that, which you can of course ignore or research for yourself.

NHS website op. You're wrong.

HIV is now nowhere near the scary thing it was in the 80s. It's a long-term condition requiring medication but considered easier to manage than say type 1 diabetes or long COVID.

Obviously you don't want to have it or any of the other STIs but there is treatment available if needed.

The sexual health clinic should be able to advise on different types of condoms and will probably give you some with some lube sachets if you ask. (There's different sizes / different materials/ different thicknesses). I don't know if there are condoms that are easier to feel inside yourself if they fall off - that's maybe a question worth asking.

I was on your side until this one OP! It’s sensible advice that doesn’t warrant a snide remark like that.

Yep. I don't know a single woman who doesn't pee after sex. We even make jokes about the shuffle to the bathroom. I have never not known to pee after sex.

Oh my.

3 or 4 times of which twice he somehow left the condom in you?! That’s a terrible ratio.

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ you cannot be serious

Clearly you shouldn't be having sex.

100% what I would say too! I would want to know where it was 🤷‍♀️

I heard this advice over 30 years ago, doubt it’s changed. Please look this up.

it’s good advice

your reply is just snide and PA

No, OP, this is very true information. I would encourage you to have a read about this. The penis may not go in the urinary tract but there's a lot of fluids going on and mixing around down there and things don't just stay in the vagina.

Plus, if you're having sex with people you don't yet know very well, you don't know what they might be bringing to the party.

We laugh when we see the sex scenes on TV ending with everyone all naked and cosy and asleep wrapped around each other, having immediately gone into a golden sex induced coma. Because that is NOT real life. Real life is shuffling to the loo afterwards and then complaining you're now cold 🤣

I'm beginning to understand why OP may not have any friends, as she mentions earlier in her comments. I also don't think her being single has anything to do with her appearance as she also says.

It's because she can't take responsibility, self reflect, and becomes defensive at the slightest sniff that she's being called out for being wrong. No one wants to be friends with someone constantly in pity party victim mode.

Leaving it inside you is treating you like the bin. Get rid of him.

Yes! Even the fluffiest dressing gowns and slippers in the world don't cut it, but needs must! 🤣

I think she has very little idea of how she should be treated and also not much knowledge of relevant information. It's not a moral failing but she's leaving herself open to being treated like dirt, like this arsehole who thinks she's a human bathroom bin.

ETA: To be clear, I'm not blaming her for any of this.

Yes, and @Slv199 please don't defend him with the comment about MNers perfect partners. 🙄 People are suitably shocked by his behaviour and it is difficult for the average person to understand how you could put up with his dreadfully disrespectful conduct. It really is textbook misogyny. I think we're all glad you've ended it.

I absolutely agree and I empathise with her for it, but her reactions on this thread speak volumes. People are trying to help her, some are giving tougher love than others, but she's responding to everyone who isn't coddling her as though they're outright insulting her. And now she's throwing a pity party because posters are calling her out on it.

Also ETA: neither am I. I don't think anyone is; he was in the wrong. But she's leaving herself open to some very dangerous situations and not taking accountability, then attacking posters for highlighting the need for safety.

Even if it came off accidentally, he will have known. The fact it wasn't on his penis when he withdrew would have told him that. Maybe he thought the condom fairy took it away? The fact he knew and didn't say anything is just awful. I'm pleased the first test is negative OP. Hopefully the STI tests will be negative too.

Yeah, this.

None of us have said our partners are "perfect", those that have mentioned their partners have either referred to them as respectful, having waited for someone who wouldn't behave like this, or as also shocked (as my DH was when I asked him if he'd ever heard of this).

@Slv199 you deserve more. I don't know why you're getting so aggressive towards people who are telling you to value yourself and build a life for you and not just desperately searching for a man to fill it, but please listen to those messages. You deserve to be happy and treated with respect and love.

I don’t agree about this thread being a reflection on the OP as a person. I think a thread that takes off like this can be overwhelming, there are some very judgemental comments early on, and then the OP feels ‘got at’ and interprets everything in the worst light.

There is some good advice here OP and support but you will probably be able to see that better on another day.

I’m totally aware that I have put myself at risk of pregnancy and STDs. I have done a pregnancy test which was negative. I have been in touch with my local clinic and am being sent STD tests to do.

I’m aware that the FB groups aren’t a totally safe space but they are moderated and anyone not sticking to the rules are removed. I don’t see how they are anymore unsafe than any dating app or any other form of meeting someone including down the pub.

I’ve never dated before the last few months. There are a lot of strange things that go on that I was previously unaware of. I had no idea whether this was another of those strange things.

I’m now totally freaked out that this could have been stealthing and I’m also totally aware that if it’s happened it’s entirely my own fault. I should have discussed it or ended things the first time it happened.

I came on here because I genuinely didn’t know if this was normal or not and I was seeking support from those who might know. I now know it isn’t and I’ve been naive about what’s happening. As I’ve said previously I won’t be seeing him or sleeping with him again.

Going forwards I will be more careful. We have to live our lives, sometimes we don’t weigh the risks properly and don’t necessarily choose the best path. What’s important is that we learn from this and don’t make the same mistake. Being repeatedly told that you have been irresponsible like you did it deliberately doesn’t help.

I’m someone just out of a 25 year relationship just looking for a little attention and companionship so maybe I’ve been a little more forgiving than I should have been. If you are all in relationships you might not remember what it’s like to be single, alone and lonely.

I hope this doesn’t happen to anyone else but that if it does you get the support you need. If you think you have been stealthed then please reach out to a rape crisis centre and get tested.

yep

Thank you for understanding.

I agree there is good advice that I will be taking.

I apologise for anyone I’ve offended with my responses. I’m trying to process what may have happened to me. I’m alone and have no-one to discuss it with.