Could the reason I haven’t made mum friends be my age?

[Dentalxray]

Dd been at primary school for three years and in that time I’ve not made a single mum friend, they’ll only talk to me if I approach them first and then it’s just surface level stuff like the weather. Nothing to do with dds behaviour she’s a good girl and it’s been like this since reception. I do worry she might be missing out in the summer when the other mums meet up with the kids.
I had her at 16 so they’re all 10-20 years older than me, be honest would you want to be mum friends with someone that much younger than you? Or could it be something else?

Tbh, if you’re early 20’s I’d think you wouldn’t want to be friends with me, so I wouldn’t impose myself on you! x

All the friendships I've made at school is down to me being proactive. Inviting parents to the park for a play date. Asking someone if they fancy a coffee in September to hear about summer. Sending the odd non child related text.

We don't know you here so it could be absolutely anything.

But looking around MN in general, a lot of women who want these mum friends from school can't always manage it for a whole myriad of reasons.

If I were you I'd be inclined to make them through after school activities if that's what you want.

I don’t think so op. I often think it’s down to the person you are or vibe you give off.
Im not even sure of the ages of all the parents I’m friendly with or groups I’m included in. I think we’re all mid thirties to mid 40s and some even older.

Im also the only sahm in the group of professional women. They have never looked down on me for that. I’ve had a full professional career before taking this time to raise my kids, but many of them don’t know that. So it’s definitely how you come across. I don’t mean that you have done anything wrong , it’s just some people really make an effort to get to know others.

Are you approachable? Have you asked any mums out for coffee? Planned anything and invited their kids?

Oh I feel like this but I had my DD when I was 44 and I am a similar age now to a lot of the grandparents. My DD is now year 5, I speak to a few parents about play dates but have never made friendships with any of the mums. Having said that, I’ve been relieved to be on the sidelines as when kids fall out, the cliques splinter. As no one talks to me, I listen in on the gossip!

they’ll only talk to me if I approach them first

Where are you doing this? Just at drop-off/pickup?

I have mum friends but I don't think any of them have been formed in those rushed few minutes. I mix in my community at events, make friends through other friends, playdates etc but usually only if we are "compatible" anyway.

What else are you doing to socialise (I realise this isn't always easy with busy lives)?

We do some out of school activities. It’s the same there if not worse in all honesty because the parents there are typically even older than the school gate parents.

Well, all you've told us about yourself is your age, and that you approach people at the school gate, and that you worry your daughter will be left out over the summer. I mean, do you even like these people?

I'm open to new friendships, but obviously I will only want to befriend a minority of new people I meet, and that probably wouldn't include someone who was only interested in befriending me because they were afraid their child was going to miss out on playdates over the summer otherwise.

I didn't make any friends among the other parents in the four years DS attended his first primary. They weren't my type of person, and I certainly wasn't theirs. Unfortunate, but it happens. I didn't let it impact on DS's social life -- we had other children around a lot for playdates.

All you can do is exude confidence and proactively invite them over with the DC etc.

Get involved with school pta and events etc. Be more proactive

I think im approachable I visibly look my age if not even younger as im very short though.
I’ve tried arranging to meet at the park but they’re always busy but they have time for each other

Assuming your daughter is 8ish, I’d also assume that at 24 ish you wouldn’t be interested in socialising with me - I’m at the other end of the range so I’d have been 20-25 years older than you.It’s difficult as I think people do look for common ground to latch on to when getting to know others, and kids the same age doesn’t always provide that on its own.
Does your daughter have playdates? Does that give you a chance to talk to other Mums a bit more?

Have you tried inviting them? Maybe try with parents of her closest friends, or parents you feel things in common with? I was a good 10 years younger than most when I had my first but I do have some good like-minded Mum friends.

Tbh I (39) am a bit intimidated by the young mum at daughters nursery (23) because I feel a bit boring in comparison, and she is very cool. I’d probably not proactively ask her for a coffee because I wouldn’t want to impose too much on her. She hangs out mostly with the au pairs in the playground. Hopefully she’s enjoying her youth and studies as much as possible even with a toddler.

I’d be really happy if she invited me for coffee or a playdate though as her and her daughter are lovely and speaking to someone at a different life stage and generation is really interesting. I will try to make more effort with her in case she feels like you.

How proactive are you with the other mums?

Honestly I think your age may be a factor - as someone said above, I think I’d assume you had far better things to be doing than socialising with an old woman like me!

Having said that, my son is in reception and wouldn’t say I’ve made any mum ‘friends’ from the school gates so far - just people I’m friendly with. The mums I’d actually call friends are the ones from my son’s swimming class or from the church group we’ve been going to since before school. DH has made lots of dad friends from joining the parent football club.

I think most people have better things to do than make friends at the gates, and are usually just chatting to people they know anyway.

Has your DD got friends that she would like to see outside of school? Are their parents at the school gate? Have you approached them to say your daughter would like a play date / meet up in the park and suggest swapping numbers? I’ve managed to sort out play dates for my DD, I haven’t made friends myself with the other mums (I have the opposite problem in that they think I’m old) but my DD does then get to see other kids.

You seem hung up on your age.

I guess it could be that then, assuming you don't have resting grumpy face and you put a lot of effort into talking to these women.

I've never made a mum friend at the school gates and I've been a similar age to other mums in the playground. I've never really has the time or interest in making new friends though. It didn't impact my DCs, they still had friendships. Their friends would come to us for tea and visa versa but chat with parents was just about DC.

At the school gates I’d say most the parents are in their early 30s at the clubs we go to it’s more like early 40s.
I kind of get it. I’m young enough to be their daughter.
Dd2 is currently a baby so part of me is hoping it is just my age and will be different when she’s at school

Well you'll find out for sure then.

In the meantime, I'd just stick to your regular friends.

I think a lot of mums don’t want to make friends at the school gates, I don’t but it’s never effected my children always had their mates round for play dates & dinner or whatever.

Yes, your age will be the reason. Same happened with me. Even though you'll be early 20's now you'll always be the teen Mum.

There are always threads on MN about this situation.

It could be anything.

If you're 10/20 years younger than them, they might assume you already have your own friends outside of school and aren't interested in them.

They might see that you're younger and assume you'll have nothing in common.

I had no interest in making my own friends at the school gate but did want to facilitate my children's friendships.

Find out who your daughter plays with at school. Approach the mum on the playground and smile.. Invite the child round for tea or to the park after school. Ask them if they'd also like to come for a coffee and a chat while the childen are playing.

Despite what you read on here, I think most parents have their own friends outside school and busy lives so aren't really looking to make friendships at the school gates. Some parents live near each other or met at baby groups so have already established friendships before their child starts school.

I'm quite alternative looking and so no one was rushing to be my best mate in the school playground in my very stylish middle class neighbourhood! 😁 but I still arranged coffee meets, invited their children round to play and made close enough acquaintances for my children to be included.

If you just want to find a friend for yourself, find the mum who is also standing on her own or the one who alsp appears to be a bit of a misfit 😉 but there's no guarantee your childen will also be friends.

You need to he proactive in this if its what you want.

I am sure age is an element here as your early parenting will have been different. These older mums are likely to have been in an NCT group together or had their DCs at nursery together and have not just met at the school gates. What I am saying is many of them will have known each other for years, but you are a new face. And yes, you might find their conversations about gardening, permi-menopause, freelancing at work and juggling all this with aging parents unrelatible and dull (i'm making lots of assumptions here), but you also want your child to have some playdates over the holidays and do some trips out with their friends. I would start with playdates and invte the mums in too for a cuppa (not whole play date) and then start suggesting a day trip or picnic. This way you will start to build a rapport with the other mums through doing mum things, and on a one to one level, focus on what you have in common and not what differentiates you.

I’ve lived in this town my entire life and dd went to a local nursery so it’s definitely not being a new face I’ve watched people new to the town and school who are in their 30s slot right in.