Could the reason I haven’t made mum friends be my age?

[Dentalxray]

Dd been at primary school for three years and in that time I’ve not made a single mum friend, they’ll only talk to me if I approach them first and then it’s just surface level stuff like the weather. Nothing to do with dds behaviour she’s a good girl and it’s been like this since reception. I do worry she might be missing out in the summer when the other mums meet up with the kids.
I had her at 16 so they’re all 10-20 years older than me, be honest would you want to be mum friends with someone that much younger than you? Or could it be something else?

1 if they DO judge you for a smaller home etc, then they're not people you want ot be friends with anyway.

2 People often don't want to do parks/beaches etc. They want a playdate, preferably one they don't have to stay at for the entire time. There ws a mum who was always suggesting days out instead of playdates and it used to drive me mad. I just wanted the children to come to mine, or me to drop them at hers, so that they could play and i could get on with other things. I was happy to have a cup of tea or whatever with the mum at the start/end, but except when they were really small, I didn't want to be actually running around. That, for me, s the joy of a playdate - the kids entertain themselves!

I've found the school gate thing fairly unfriendly to be honest - people talk to the people they're already friends with, lots are understandably in a rush, etc etc. I had some NCT group friends whose children went to different primary schools, and I didn't really make another close mum friend til my son moved schools in yr 4 and I just happened to find someone I clicked with. So age might be part of it, but I think it's also just not the fruitful ground for making friends that it's sometimes made out to be. Incidentally, one of my best NCT friends was a very young mum, at the opposite end of the age bracket to me - we got on great when we had babies of the same age.

They could well be too busy for a full on day out. I don't think you should worry about your house at all, I had a small house when my children were little and it was fine. Children don't care about that sort of stuff and if they say your house is small, it's more likely to be a factual observation than a judgement.

I have a couple of good friends at work who are in their 20s (I'm in my early 50s). We get on because we click, but there are plenty of other young people who I wouldn't expect to want to hang out with me.
I would start by inviting a child over and asking the mum in for a cup of tea at pick up. I always loved to do that and it's an easy way to get to know someone.

I made friends with a mum 15 years younger than me. Our respective DS were best friends in primary school and both have additional needs. I was 45 when my DS started school.

I was 19 when I had dd1 but she’s now 21 and I think the average parent age is even older now than it was then. When I had dd1 most other new mums were between 25 and 30, so maybe not such a big jump in age at the toddler groups, but the average was probably a bit older at primary school in a small village.

that said, people would look down on me, or just assume I was a bit slow because I was a young parent and it took me really going out of my way to become more well thought of. Luckily there were a few younger parents in dd1s class and so we tended to stick together a bit. But, I was very much included with the older parents too. I joined the PTA, volunteered in the classes, set up a toddler group in the village and taught children a musical instrument in school time for free. Not saying you have to do these things but there tends to be a bit of unconscious snobbery (I don’t think they even realise their bias) from older parents and I always felt I had something to prove.

at extra curricular activities one of the mums I got on best with was old enough to be my mum and incredibly wealthy. She’s lovely though and weirdly we were very similar. So, it’s not your age exactly, but it could be others perceptions of you based on your age and their own unconscious bias and you have to put yourself out there and kind of prove yourself if a way that you may not need to if you were older.

I think your age could be a factor especially if you also look young.

I was friendly with a younger mum for a few years and she said often other mums thought she was the nanny.

Im not sure that they wouldn’t care dd is only a year younger than I was when I had a school friend over which resulted in her teasing me for having a tiny bedroom for the rest of primary school. And my bedroom was bigger than dds is

Are you inviting them to meet you at the park eg the parent needs to come as well as the child? Thats probably why they are turning you down, people are busy with work. You need to offer to just have their child round after school for a play and tea.

If your child has got to 8 and you've never invited any friend over even once for after school then no wonder you haven't made any mum friends - has your child been to anyones after school? Quite rude never to reciprocate

That sounds mean, but it's also just one experience that you're allowing to colour things. DD spent many many happy hours at her BFF's much smaller house without any issues whatsoever. She was at a sleepover at BFF's dad and stepmother's house this weekend - it's also smaller and the two girls sleep in the lounge as there isn't space in BFF's room for two. It's fine. No problem whatsoever.

Because my DD has been brought up to understand that everyone is different. Our house is a fraction of the size of my sister's house and much bigger than her BFF's house. It is what it is.

Don't let your bad experience with one horrible child colour things for your DD with her school mates.

So for the rest of your DD's childhood are you only going to invite kids over if their home/child bedroom is smaller than your DD's? Surely you can see how silly that is.

We have a nice home but my kids have been invited to kids houses who are much wealthier with huge kitchen diners, home gyms etc, gated driveways that you could park 6 cars on. Never once has a friend teased them about having a smaller bedroom/house.

Be grateful ,,honestly you don't want to be involved in the politics of the playground mafia ,happy to be a non-member of all the WhatsApp groups and be actively adopte resting bitch face to keep them away 🤣🤣

If I'm honest OP, I only chat and make friends with other parents who I can see something in common with, not just cause our kids are in the same class. I would probably assume because of the big age gap that we wouldn't have that much in common.

I think you were just unlucky to have a friend visit who turned out to be a bully. My bedroom was tiny. My parents had to have overhead cupboards built in because there wasn't enough space for my things. I had lots of friends round and no one teased me for having a small bedroom.

Im in my 40s and my dd is starting primary.

Agree its likely your age / the fact they percieve you are at different life stages

Realistically you could be one of their children...

Also honestly I had 2 under 2 and I have a ft job and little/ no family support.
I am not looking for school mum friends...i'm simply looking to get it done without dropping any spinning plates.

So while to some degree I can see it feels personal I would say to a large extent its not.

I think you need to move on from that as it is only one experience. My youngest had a very small bedroom in a normal sized house. He had friends who lived in tiny council flats and some that lived in massive period properties with huge rooms and the families were wealthy. This was never an issue - they all just enjoyed each other's company.

She’s been to a few, they all live in actual houses and we live in a one bedroom flat. I’m a little wary about having people over but I know I need to get over that.

I’m not sure that it’s because they don’t have time to go to the park or beach I’ve bumped into them accidentally in the past at the beach with each other.

I also had my first young and find socialising with other parents really awkward. Even though on paper I’m at the same life stage as everyone else and there’s no other material difference between us!

I like chatting to people on dog walks so it’s not that I can’t make conversation.

I’m an early 40s mum and would just assume you young mums wouldn’t want to be friends with me. I have ended up being friendly with my DDs best friends mum’s who are younger than me (but only by around 10 years).

Absolutely invite them round or suggest a play date in the park or soft play. I would never ever judge a house on size (don’t exactly live in a mansion myself). As long as it is clean and safe!

How old is your DD? If she's in year 1 or above, does she have a "best" friend. That's the one I'd invite first.

Yes age probably does play a part. I had my older DC as a teen so was also always the youngest at the school gates. I then had my youngest DC at 27 and I’m still one of the youngest. Most seem to be early-mid 40s. My eldest is 16 and people think we’re siblings.

I couldn’t make any friends with the mums from Dc1’s class. I thought it was me. It wasn’t. When DC2 started school, I made friends easily with the parents from that class. DC1’s class was horrid and so were the parents. DC2’s class was lovely.

As someone who was 47 when my child was the same age as you I wouldn’t have been making friends with you! I’d be polite and I wouldn’t be rude but friends… sorry no x

I would (and have) but being completely honest, my experience has been that with very young mums, there tends to be an imbalance in the relationship. They start to tell me their problems and look for praise/ sympathy and expect me to run around after the kids while they sit on their phones etc and to pay for stuff. I had my dc at 31 so not really old or young (for where I live), sort of right in the middle. I have found younger mums to be more likely to make friends and more likely to be at home full time (which I was at the time), but I think I was looking for friendships and whether they realised it or not, they were looking for support. One had actually lost her own mum when she was pregnant. They needed it to be fair but it wore me down very quickly. I had severe PND and I really didn’t have the energy or inclination to take on other people’s problems or provide childcare etc when I was a first time mum with a small child too. I think it didn’t help that I stopped at one and most of them had two. I think some people think you’re just sat around twiddling your thumbs when you have an only child, but I actually had a lot of other stuff going on.
Anyway, this has been my experience and it would put me off in future. I’m pretty much past the looking for mum friends stage though. It seems important at the time but it honestly passes after a while. Kids get older and make their own friends. You may or may not click with the parents but it’s not really necessary. It’s a lonely few years to begin with but what you need is friends in general, not specific mum friends.

I was a bit of an odd one out at school because I was 40 when I had my dd.

it's awful to say but I'd probably think you were way too cool to want an old friend like me. We're daft aren't we? Keep trying OP I know it's hard

Some of those mums will have children in older years and will have known each other for years. Others will have been all through NCT, maternity leave and nursery together before choosing the same school. It’s hard to make solid mum friends just at pick up and drop off, you need to arrange the coffees and drinks. And yes probably you seem quite different in terms of age and life experience but that shouldn’t be an absolute barrier if you have other things in common with them and you can put the effort in.