Could the reason I haven’t made mum friends be my age?

[Dentalxray]

Dd been at primary school for three years and in that time I’ve not made a single mum friend, they’ll only talk to me if I approach them first and then it’s just surface level stuff like the weather. Nothing to do with dds behaviour she’s a good girl and it’s been like this since reception. I do worry she might be missing out in the summer when the other mums meet up with the kids.
I had her at 16 so they’re all 10-20 years older than me, be honest would you want to be mum friends with someone that much younger than you? Or could it be something else?

Many a true word in careful what you wish

I’ve noticed at school that all the young mums become friends and all the old mums. As an older mum I’d think that you weren’t interested in talking to us older mums and rightly or wrongly assume you’d prefer talking with the young mums. The grandparents also seem to have created a group but not the dads they seem to be happy to stand alone!

I would have been 35 at the school gates - I would assume women 10 years younger than me would not be interested in taking to me... however if you struck up a conversation and we hit it off - I wouldn't be put off being your friend because of age.
Keep trying. Don't go for the 'cool' mums.... Go for Liz not Amanda.

Firstly 3 years of primary isn't that long in the scheme of things. It took quite a long time for me to find my mum tribe.

One of my best mates is a lot younger, had her eldest as a teenager. I will say she had to work very hard to make friends, always suggesting meet ups and coffees etc. But it paid off in the end, she's the social queen bee now our kids are in secondary and her daughter is miss popular.

You might be surprised. In my late 30s/40s I've made all sorts of friends outside the lanes of who I'd thought I might be friends with. One of my best mates is in her 20s (young mum) and we've had very different lives but have all sorts in common like a filthy sense of humor. I have another friend who's a former addict and been in jail who I have an incredible amount in common with and her kids are delightful too.

Honestly OP, mum friends are not real friends. Don't chase after them. The "mum friend" dynamic is so transactional and hollow, it's exhausting. I mean, there's nothing wrong with having situational pals, but if you are craving a deeper connection, that's not it. All "mum friendships" I've experienced (from the sidelines, admittedly) had this weird element of snobbery judgement and one-upmanship when it came to the kids. You don't need that kind of energy in your life.

Sometimes the exclusion isn't even about malice, it's about comfort zones. People stick to what looks like them. If they can’t relate to your life experience, they ignore you instead of making an effort. That’s a them problem, not a you problem.

Make walking past that crowd, dropping off your kid, and going back to a fulfilling life without needing their validation into your superpower. Save yourself a lot of wasted time and fake conversations.

I’m 26 and had DD at 20. I had a similar issue… weirdly they all talk to DH… maybe I just look like a bitch? I have made one mum friend and she’s actually not a mum but a grandma who looks after her DGC. Me and Silvia against the world!

Honestly it got me down at first but now I don’t really care. If people don’t wanna talk to you they don’t wanna talk to you, focus on your other friends :).

I think with school mum friends, you just need to get stuck in tbh!

So be involved in pointless discussions on the class WhatsApp. Have playdates. Host parties for your child and chat and be friendly.

I’m 31 and no your age wouldn’t stop me from being friends. Infact I’d feel more confident approaching someone younger like yourself than I would an older mum, I don’t really know why though.

But like others have said, it could be anything- we don’t know you. I do find though that some people are just shyer than others and don’t have the confidence to approach people. I would say so far, 20% of the mums have initiated conversations first, 80% I have and once we get chatting it’s fine and I don’t think it’s a personal thing because I don’t see them talking to others either.

If you want to make friends then I would suggest being the one to approach first, because some people are just shy, it’s as simple as that. of course there are mums out there who have no interest in making friends or having conversation and that is also fine too, you will soon realise who wants to chat and who doesn’t by the response you get.

Late to the party here, but it probably would have put me off. I made lasting mum friends at the school gate. All of us were a similar age and background. You had your DD at 16, I had mine at 37. We're a different generation.

I was early 20s when I had my DD and when it was time for school I made hardly any mum friends either, maybe the odd few who were a similar age to me but nothing solid and now that she’s in secondary school I don’t see any parents at all! I wouldn’t worry too much, kids friendships change all of the time. Maybe try approaching one of your child’s friends mum in the playground and ask if they would like to arrange a play date?

Age doesn’t bother me when it comes to mum friends. I’m 37 and have got four close mum friends that I made on mat leave. One is 40, one 45 and one 21. I love the 21 year old, she’s brilliant!

My sister had her son at 30 and hasn’t made any mum friends either.

Im 31 and my best mates at uni are 53 and 56.

Not sure if it’s different in the school my two go to as it’s quite small but I find the parents that meet up outside of school with group play dates etc are all involved in the FPTA, is this an option available to you?

Not sure if it’s different in the school my two go to as it’s quite small but I find the parents that meet up outside of school with group play dates etc are all involved in the FPTA, is this an option available to you?

I had mine in my 40s and I didn’t make any mum friends at my kids first school. The kids did - they had play dates but I never gelled with the other mums. Then we moved and in my sons year quite a number also had at least one child in their 40s so were closer to my age. That may certainly have been a factor. Also I’m a widow since my youngest started school and I don’t think that helped. I was one of only two women in my sons and DD’s year group that were single in their first school.

It might not even be your age at all. I went to a breastfeeding group and I was in the same age group as most of the mums. They were so cliquey. You couldn’t have gotten into their little groups with a battering ram. Some of the older mums were on their third or fourth kid. To be fair to them, they were not in the headspace for befriending an anxious first time mum. It was a very negative experience for me. When I look back now I feel sorry for myself but I also wonder why I bothered. It can be so lonely sometimes with babies and young children. It can even bring up a lot of stuff from your own childhood sometimes - feelings of rejection and fears of being excluded, of your kids being excluded. It’s hard.
If you can, volunteer to do stuff at the school from time to time. Go to as many birthday parties as you can, try to find out what the kid actually likes before you choose a gift. Try to have birthday parties for your dc and invite the class or their friends. That’s a great way of getting to know parents. Learn the kids names. Don’t focus on making close personal friends, work on building a network of people you are on chatting terms with. Smile, do small talk. It can take a long time to get to know people. Just keep at it.

I had my first at 16 and I made a lot of mum friends of all ages just like I have lots of work friends of all ages. I think the biggest barrier people have is lack of time most families both parents work full time, will potentially have other kids, have parents that are becoming more demanding and just generally more tired. I have nowhere near as much energy as I had when I was 20.

Truthfully it’s probably your age.

I had two in private school (where the parental age was likely even older) when I was in my 20s and often felt like I was getting the side-eye. It seemed people couldn’t really work out where I “belonged” and it was hard to build relationships in the beginning.

Looking at your position now as a 40-something my thought is I’d assume you wouldn’t have much interest in being friends with me.

Keep trying - I’ve moved around lots and my DC have been in schools in three continents and you really need to approach making friends as a FT job.

Yeah, I would say age is a factor. I had DD at 39, and I am more than 20 years older than you. I don’t have any friends in their 20s, so I probably wouldn’t gravitate towards you. However, if you approached me I would be friendly, and if we hit it off I would not be against having a coffee or play date. I just think it would be unlikely we would have much in common.

I may think you wouldn’t want to hang out with me as I’d cramp your style, however I would speak to you and if you were friendly and wanted to meet up I definitely would, I wouldn’t consider age a thing, but I might think you would which I have realised is a little odd!
I have a lovely class of Mums and we all sort of get along, I was surprised when out at the pub recently three Mums were 23 (had kids SamW age as you), I hadn’t even thought they were 23, in fact I hadn’t even thought about their age at all.
Some Mums can be funny Wotsits, I had one ask me what car I drove (like that’s relevant), others just slowly walk away. Balls to them I can’t be bothered with the likes of them back at school nor now.

I would do an open invite, like lovely weather I might see you down the park later.

My daughter moved to a new school this year. I am the same age as the parents at the school gate and no one is friendly with me. They all try to avoid chatting with me at pick up/drop off and if we bump in them outside they pretend not to see me. They seem to have formed very rigid groups in reception, groups who holiday together, go skiing together and there is no intention to add anyone else. I invited everyone in the class to my daughter bday party, she did not receive any invites to any party. I texted for play dates and they are all too busy, a couple gave me dates months after, I accepted them, kids were dropped off by the father and then never invited back. I never had these problems in the old school, mums were friendly, smiley, if we were bumping into them outside they would stop and chat and at play dates they would stop by, sometimes have a coffee and plsydates were reciprocated. I just think in some schools parents are just cliquey and that’s it.

I'm late 30s and if you're early 20s I would probably assume you wouldn't want to be friends so wouldn't go out of my way to connect with you. If you made an effort with me and it was apparent that you did actually want to be friends then I wouldn't think of you any differently than any of my similar aged friends. You're going to have to make the first move I think.

Edit: by "make an effort" I don't mean that you'd have to do anything out of the ordinary or impress me or anything, I just mean if you made it apparent that you wanted to chat or do stuff together.

You need to make the effort - I'm in my 40's, some of my kids' friends are in their 20's, we're pals. Not close but love a good chat when we see each other!
Like others say, find common ground, even if it's just that your daughter is friends with their kids, it's a start. Be friendly and approachable at pick up too!

I would say its your age, im 34 and would assume anyone of your age wouldnt want a friend so much older. Although id be happy to be your friend but id probably wonder if we did have much in common but again ive friends who are goths and I wear all pink and we bonded over our children but have an amazing friendship now