Could the reason I haven’t made mum friends be my age?

[Dentalxray]

Dd been at primary school for three years and in that time I’ve not made a single mum friend, they’ll only talk to me if I approach them first and then it’s just surface level stuff like the weather. Nothing to do with dds behaviour she’s a good girl and it’s been like this since reception. I do worry she might be missing out in the summer when the other mums meet up with the kids.
I had her at 16 so they’re all 10-20 years older than me, be honest would you want to be mum friends with someone that much younger than you? Or could it be something else?

Im sorry you feel this way, how ever im going to flip it on its head and say i feel the same but almost like im too old....i have the occasssional conversation re weather, school events etc... i try not to focus on it, i promote friendships, attend parties, etc. A friend has previously told me you find you people/friends once your child hits sports..unsure how true this is, weve yet to reach this, how ever....the school gates are certainly bitchy and judgemental without words iykyk

Tbh I would assume you would have better things to do than be friends with us 39 Yr old oldies, I remember thinking 30 was ancient 🤣🤣

I would volunteer in the pta/do class rep stuff to show that you are up for/interested in that sort of stuff. My friend had a DC when we were 14 and I think even though she was a mum she still had more in common with her school friends than the "proper grown ups"

Have you asked on your Facebook local page if there's any mums who'd meet up? Is there a walking group?
Are you in contact with anyone from school?

As the average age for first time mums in the UK is 29.4 years. Having a child at 16 puts you 14 years different to other mums..
It’s probably more to do with your life experience and lack of shared points of reference.
Round where I live (and no - not EVERYONES life trajectory is the same but pretty uniform here )

1. Finish GCSES (16)
2. Finish A’levels (18)
3. Go to Uni or gap year travel (19)
4. Graduate and do gap year (21/22)
5. Get graduate Job + serious dating
6. But house with partner (28/29)
7. Get married (important protect self in time for baby and Mat Leave)
8. Have baby (30-34)

If you had baby at 16 and did not have the same experiences it would be difficult to relate to each other However not impossible if you have picked up higher education post baby .. You have lived very different lives.
I would suggest joining child centred activities to see if there are people there who have had a similar life to you - or people who are open to meeting people who have a different life and see the difference in your pathways as different and not something to look down on.

I have a close friend who went the ‘standard route’ and is an architect with her own business consultancy and a 15 year old, (45) whose closest friend also had a baby at 16 but friend sees her bf as an awesome human who did all the HE and career building with baby attached .. there is an economic disparity but they negotiate that well. (She’s a 31 year old civil servant) .

I never made mum friends but was similar age to the other mums. I joined a running club and found friends that way instead. My kids had play dates etc but without a parent going along too. In my experience chatting to friends who are also parents, it's quite unusual to make new friends at the school gates.

I can’t honestly say I have any ‘mum friends’ as in friends I met at school. I’m 45 so certainly in the average demographic for primary school mums. Where I made friends (who happen to be mums at the school) is because they’re my neighbours, we organise lift shares to activities, we volunteer at the same school or village events, I’ve bumped into the at the annual fete, pub quiz, whatever. Basically, I met them in normal life and our kids happen to go the same school.

That said, I’d say none of that happened until probably Y4 and up when we had time to get involved in the community and organise parties and BBQs with neighbours. Surely, if you’ve lived there your whole life, you should know lots of people. We’ve only lived in this county for 4 years and moved from far away.

In my antenatal group our ages range from 23 to 38. We are all friends. I don't think it's a given that it's your age.

Do you have WhatsApp and could message someone? Not awkward if they decline and lets them do so politely rather than face to face?

It could also be your age. I’m 39 and would assume I would be too old and boring for a 24(?) year old to want to socialise with me. I suspect many think like this. I also wonder if it’s also just different life stages? I think someone else said it earlier - caring for elderly parents, peri-menopause etc etc. you’ll be reminding them of 20 years ago so beyond children they perhaps wonder what you’ll have in common? All massive assumptions and could be wrong, just throwing some suggestions out there.

I wouldn’t worry about your flat though. After 3 years you need to invite someone over for a play date. Nobody will bat an eyelid at that! If they do, well - probably not worth befriending them anyway if they’re that shallow and materialistic!

This is so weird because I have been thinking this about myself lately and today a mum brought it up in the park. You sound a bit younger than me, but all the other mums at DCs nursery are at least mid 30s+. Im friendly with them and let on, my DC get invited to the parties etc but never any play dates or anything beyond that. I also wasn't keen on getting involved with them as some of them are quite cliquey.

There's the one mum there who I like though, she just has a really fun energy about her. We got chatting in the park today and she randomly said toward the end of the chat something like "I never like approaching the younger mums because I always thought you'd be too cool to hang out with us lot". I was shocked tbh and never suspected this would be the reason whatsoever. I'd also like to add, I am not cool at all lol. I also always get along better with older people, not sure why (probably because im so uncool).

Honestly, I wouldn't take it to heart. If you show interest in being friends with someone, and they make it obvious that they don't want to, then you have to just respect it - you cannot control their decisions/feelings etc. I'm sure you would find a wonderful group of friends elsewhere, though if you really want to get in with the other school mums, I would suggest becoming actively involved in the actual school (if you have the time) - PTA, extra curriculars, etc.

It could well be your age. When mine were at primary school, I think if there was a woman at the gates either much younger or much older there was also uncertainty over whether she was the child's mum or a nanny/gran/childminder etc.

If the other mums are 15-20 years older than you, they could well feel intimidated by you and you could be inadvertently triggering their insecurities - bear that in mind rather than assuming they are feeling confident and looking down on you! (Although some may well be doing that!)

If you keep trying different groups/activities, you may well meet a nanny who is more your age, or another younger mum. Would your health visitor maybe suggest some where she knows some younger mums?

Ultimately the best opportunities come through your children's friendships, so just keep letting your DD go to play dates and invite them back to yours - don't worry about the size of your flat. People worth caring about won't care.

All my Mum friends were made at toddler groups and other pre-school activities where there was a chance to get to know each other while the children played. I don't think the school gates is an easy place to meet people as it tends to be a quick in and out.

Maybe you need to try and get involved with kids' activities. I don't think anyone will care about your flat, anyone who's snobby enough to judge your living arrangements isn't worth being friends with.

I don’t understand it either OP, but sometimes that’s the way it goes. I’ve lived in my town my whole life, I went to primary and secondary school with some of the mums I see on the gates (so we are about the same age) and aside from a smile and nod they don’t acknowledge me.

I have quite an alternative style so I wonder if it’s that, and they still see me as the bit of a weirdo.

I think a lot of “I’d think you wouldn’t want to be friends with a boring mature woman like me” are cop outs, because I’ve been in your shoes; on the sidelines at sports day or in a queue to collect after a disco and you feel excluded and like people are looking down their noses at you, not like you’re too “cool” to want to talk to them. I’ve made small talk with a mum at a birthday party to then be left stood on my own for the best part of an hour once some other mums turn up who they know.

I sometimes do also feel guilty that DD misses out, one of her friends was going out with her mum and some other mums and their kids at half term and she asked why we couldn’t go. I hadn’t been invited. It sucks. I’m hoping secondary school will be better as they do things more on their own.

Another vote for micronised creatine. As long as that is the only ingredient you are fine with any brand. You can mix it with hot drinks as well, heat doesn’t degrade it. In fact it tends to mix better with a hot drink than cold (can be grainy), I often put it in yoghurt, overnight oats too. Consistency is the key with creatine, there is evidence for taking both before and after exercise, but just when you will remember is probably best for most people. It helps me recover quicker and therefore train smarter/harder. I got through a marathon training block this year without injury for example.
It is meant to help with cognitive function too, I’m menopausal so do get brain fog, difficult to say if it’s helped with that.

Also a 44 year old first time mum, didn't take make 'mum friends' but got in well with to have play dates or have someone collect from school once in a while if stuck at work. That was enough for me as I had plenty friends in my life already.

@Dentalxray IME us older mums were picnics/park people, younger parents were more into high energy stuff. Not sure if that helps but is there a group your SC could join - swimming/dance class/judo etc where you might meet other younger mums?

My experience is that children tend to make friends with children from a similar background. Not exclusively, and it's no guarantee that they will become friends, but it's a decent indicator.

I had my son at 17.
I managed to make many friends at playgroups before he started primary school and they were all at least several years older than then when he started primary school, it was a bit of a struggle.

It was a Catholic primary school, and for some reason it was only the Polish, Hungarian, and African mums who would really give me the time of day. I'm pretty sure it was an age thing.

School pick up and drop off chat is usually really superficial. I’ve found putting my name down to help at the Xmas fair or other PTA events makes space for better conversations.

And please don’t worry about the size of your house inviting people over for play dates. Absolutely no one worth being friends with cares about stuff like that.

I'm 40 and I have no idea how you make mum friends at the school gate. I've had superficial chats with a few. Doesn't help my child isn't especially social.
I probably wouldn't think you would want to be friends - although if you invited me to the park and my child liked your child and I was free I probably would come. Although I am very busy with work - if I said I was busy it's probably that.