Could the reason I haven’t made mum friends be my age?

[Dentalxray]

Dd been at primary school for three years and in that time I’ve not made a single mum friend, they’ll only talk to me if I approach them first and then it’s just surface level stuff like the weather. Nothing to do with dds behaviour she’s a good girl and it’s been like this since reception. I do worry she might be missing out in the summer when the other mums meet up with the kids.
I had her at 16 so they’re all 10-20 years older than me, be honest would you want to be mum friends with someone that much younger than you? Or could it be something else?

I actually reckon growing up in a place makes you less likely to make new friends. I'd assume you already had your life set up and wouldn't need/want to socialise with other mums.

I'm an older mum and moved into the area during covid just before dd was born. I have a few friends who have lived elsewhere but returned to their hometown after having kids. They probably made more of an effort with me because they knew I had no one! Also, the friends I have at the school gates, one I met at a baby group (and is also from elsewhere!), one I met doing the nursery run. All 3 of us have worked in the same profession (but ironically none of us do now - so we maybe bonded over that! I will say that one of us is nearly 15 years younger than myself and the other nearly 10 years). We're actually really lucky in that we've ended up in a class with a bunch of lovely children parents. Even saying that, I feel like if I'd have turned up at the gates not knowing anyone, I wouldn't be sociasing with any of them now. They're all nice enough but I don't feel I have much in common with them (weirdly including the other 2 mums I know share the same profession - maybe because they're still working it 😂). There's a range of ages of parents.

I'm honestly not even sure how I've ended up with these friends. I've moved around jobs a fair bit and usually only ever make 1 friend if that 😂 so it's not a common occurrence for me. In my current job, if I left now (in my third year), I don't think I'd keep in touch with anyone!

In terms of playdates, it's a funny one. A mum in our class invited people to the park this past holiday and everyone was busy. I wasn't busy myself but didn't reply as I was having a home day. I like the mum and I like the kid, it just wasn't a good day for me. When dd was a baby, I tried to organise a meet up group. Loads of people joined but only 2 mums ever met up with me (on seperate occasions) and even then it was only once. I gave up so you're not alone. It's hard. I feel for you. Keep going and maybe with dc2 things will happen differently! In baby groups at least you get a bit more mum chat.

Not judging but not turned on by someone who ultimately ended up with a child which she very likely did not plan for and was unable to parent without significant support from others (be that family or the state).

Sex is fun. Cool. But I think having a child before one is ready is extremely selfish.

If you're going to have sex, you have to be responsible... Whether that's extra precautions (in case one form of contraception fails), taking pregnancy tests every now and again to catch a pregnancy which might otherwise be missed (if you are sexually active and not ready for a baby), or having an abortion if all else fails. If you're not prepared to do those things, then you're ultimately putting your own fun above your (potential) future child. Which I find selfish and irresponsible.

Absolutely, my immediate concerns may not apply to you.

You may well have had a present and supportive partner (with whom you have remained and had your second child), combined savings, an earned income to support you/partner/child, a plan, pursued your education, got into employment, been and remained entirely self-sufficient (without requiring support from family or the state) etc.

You may have been raped and things were entirely out of your control, particularly as you follow the Catholic religion. In that instance, my god would you have my sympathy and I'd want to do whatever I could to support you/your children and share the privileges I've worked for.

The above does happen. But I'd say it's the exception not the norm (basing this on the numerous teen/young Mums I know) hence I would assume the above don't apply and wouldn't therefore be drawn to striking up a friendship with a teen Mum. As I said at the outset, though, I wouldn't treat you any differently to anyone else if you were to approach me - you just probably wouldn't be the first person I'd hone in on (not that I'd really hone in on anyone... Too busy focusing on my child and not actively on the lookout for new pals).

In response to the fact you're Catholic and, therefore, abortion is off limits, that to me suggests you should have taken extra precautions with contraception (coil, condoms, morning after pill etc) or simply avoided sex. I responded to someone else to say I think it's selfish to put one's own fun (sex) above a potential child's life.

A child being brought up by a loving teen mum and support from Gran and Grandad (etc, for example) can have a perfectly lovely life. There is no one version of "ready". Some people might not look "ready" (not married, in their late 20s with great job and owning home) but absolutely become ready and make fantastic parents. How boring would life be if absolutely everyone was brought up in one way (a relatively recent in grand scheme of things, Western way of parenting)?

Hi OP,
Sorry you're having a rough time with the school mums. I'm 35 with my first starting primary this year, but have managed to find a group of mum friends aging 23-40, so I don't think age is necessarily the issue.

You seem to be carrying a lot of shame for having your child young, having a smaller home etc. Perhaps the other mums are picking up that you are insecure and finding it hard to make a connection?

From my own experience growing up, my mum was the younger mum with the tiny council home. However, my friends used to love coming over as mum made a real effort with yummy dinners, treats etc. My friends never once commented on how small our home was (some of my friends had enormous 5/6 bed houses). Try and fine comfort in what you have, you sound like a great mum trying to do her best for her children. Good luck x

They can but they immediately have the odds stacked against them.

There's an absolute tonne of research about the impact on children, particularly boys, with absent fathers, from "broken homes" etc. Some will overcome that but it's automatically harder for them. I think it's selfish bringing a child into the world knowing they're already disadvantaged and not immediately setting the example you want them to follow.

My take on having a child was that I wanted the absolute best for them - every opportunity to thrive and succeed, and be able to enjoy their innocence for as long as possible. Our little one lives in a comfortable home, with a Mum and Dad who love each other dearly. They're learning what healthy relationships look like and has the benefit of the input of both their parents. That is echoed by both sets of grandparents, who remain in loving relationships, as do all the aunties and uncles.

Children born to teen parents are more likely to become teen parents, themselves. Children born to parents divorce are more likely to go through divorce, themselves. It's because children learn from their parents so if their parents set a certain example, their children will grow up thinking that is normal.

Life would be boring if we were all the same. That said, the social issues currently facing the country would be massively reduced if the nation took a far more responsible approach to pro-creating. "Accidents happen" is a piss-poor take on something so important. I'd be saying that about a spilled drink, not bringing a whole new life into the world.

When I found out I was pregnant I genuinely didn’t realise how young I was. I’m only realising now that nearly all my child’s classmates have more money than us. Going on foreign holidays and having all designer clothes etc. No i cannot compete with that and feel guilty but I didn’t know it would be like this when I was pregnant

You choose to continue a life and sound like a wonderful and loving parent. Don't let anyone shame you got what you did. Getting pregnant so young want smart, but it sounds like you've done an amazing job despite very tough circumstances.

She has a loving mum. That's worth far more than fancy holidays and clothes.

Well, that’s the issue with having a child when you’re still a child yourself, surely? You have zero life experience, have never lived independently, haven’t completed your education, have no conception of just how tough it can be making your way in work/financial terms — so you’re making a huge life decision that’s going to make all these things more difficult, based on very limited knowledge with a brain that is still developing.

I don’t mean this in a reprimanding way! To me it’s obvious that no one who continues a pregnancy at 16 knows what they’re doing.

So sorry you feel this way. I would definitely think a young mum would not want to talk to me and wouldn’t want to bore her with my boring stories of tiredness! I guess that is pretty judgemental and I am sorry. I would just think you are young and cool and don’t want me wittering away at you about joint pain!

If you offer play dates to your child’s closest friends you can start having longer conversations with the mums when they are picking up.

Start sharing stories of how tiring it is to be a mum too! Will make them realise you are just the same as them and they won’t worry.

Also I was never sure who was who at the school gates. They could be mums or grannies or sisters or Nannies. I didn’t want to make a mistake so I just spoke to those I knew were definitely mums.

How do you present/dress op? If there was a young mum in our class groups, I'd be more inclined to involve her if she presented as though being a mum was her focus and she looked as though she wanted to "be there." If it looked as though she was mostly wanting to be doing all the things I was doing at 22 and was there doing her duty but not really wanting to build a social life round it, I'd probably assume she'd find us a bit boring! Not in a judgy way, just a not wanting to cramp her style way!

It's very sad that you didn't realise but it reflects entirely why (in my opinion) you were too young to have a child in the first place.

That said, please don't think the foreign holidays and designer clothes are the important bits (or, indeed, what I would be concerned a child of a teen Mum would miss out on). Nor is the size of your house relevant in any way. People who attribute anything to someone based on the size of their house is a dick (and probably insecure, at that). As I said, earlier, I personally would take notice of tidiness, cleanliness, is the TV on constantly etc. But that's just me. I'm not everyone's cup of tea (and I am perfectly content with that).

I digress...

Love is, of course, the most important factor. After that, I would say it is investing time and energy into your child. Read to them frequently, share with them your wisdom, open their eyes to the breadth of the world and opportunities out there, teach them to be good people who try to give more than they take etc.

The difficulty is that awareness of, or ability to offer, some of those things come with age or life experience or decent finances. For example, money helps because it can buy experiences which broaden one's horizons (sports clubs, music lessons, theatre trips, travel etc). Similarly, understanding what it takes to be self-sufficient is often lost on teenagers.

Now, my Mum grew up in a Council house with very loving, proud parents. My grandad was ill from very early on but they refused to claim any benefits and so they struggled by. It meant they couldn't afford to send my Mum to any of the private sports clubs her friends went to, and she missed out. She made it her mission to ensure that my sibling and I could do those things. But, while she didn't have those opportunities, her parents invested a lot of time reading and educating her (my grandad being an exceptionally intelligent man). They didn't have money but they were able to offer lots of the other things between them, including demonstrating what a healthy, romantic relationship looks like.

Again, I think a teen Mum, who I would expect to be single, wouldn't only be lacking in funds but also many of the other virtues that an older couple would have accrued, between them, during their lives.

I am sorry if you've taken anything I've said as mean. I haven't meant to be. I've just tried to explain why I wouldn't necessarily be drawn to a teen Mum (and it might be similar for others, even if they wouldn't necessarily articulate it in the same way). I would absolutely make initial assumptions that a teen Mum actively brought a child into the world in the knowledge that she couldn't give it so many things that I think are the starting point when deciding to become a parent.

I wouldn't treat you differently to someone else, if you approached me (I'd have a very good natter and, being honest, I'd be wanting to bottom out whether my assumptions were correct - and be very happy to find out I was wrong - just like, if she approached me, I'd want to know whether the gorgeous blonde in the Range Rover who constantly pushed dearest Tarquin to the front of everything really was as vacuous as she appeared!).

I say all this and I know people will equally make assumptions of me (which could fall anywhere on a rather damning line!). I'm fine with that. It's natural.

Eurgh motherhood parenthood isn't some kind of ranked competition where you can accrue points, or Brownies-style badges, for every bit you've done "right" according to some kind of set list.

Who decides the criteria for the list?

I totally agree.

But I can choose who I strike up a friendship with and that's usually with like-minded people. We all have things that matter to us and that we look for / look to avoid in people we surround ourselves with.

I'm pretty hung up on how / when people choose (or don't actively choose) to bring a child into the world. That's fine.

The OP ponders as to why the other Mums at the school gate do not include her. Ultimately, the other Mums can determine the criteria for the people they want to mix with. In this instance, it appears they may not want to mix with a teen Mum.

Well yes, you can be as judgmental as you like in picking out your own friends. Just as you can pick your friends out according to race, or sex, or politics, or money, or anything really. Makes for a sad and boring world though.

Race and sex are matters over which we have no control.

I would have always said that choosing friends based on money is ridiculous but, actually, it can be good to have at least some friends in a similar financial position because you understand the difficulties in each other's lives. It can also be nice, at times, when going out and money is involved as you are likely to take a similar approach to what's affordable. It removes a lot of the awkwardness.

As to politics, I think people who are strongly political (in whichever direction) ultimately demonstrate part of their personality through their following because their chosen party's mantra will reflect their own ideals, which goes quite a long who they are as a person.

Let's be real, not every person could be besties with every person. It's natural for people to choose their friends.

Someone might say they don't like me because I am strong-willed. Fair enough. I could say I'm not their biggest fan because I feel they have no integrity or backbone. Horses for courses and all that.

The OP has basically asked why people won't be her friend. I've given her some reasons. That doesn't make the world sad or boring. It just means we're different.

There was a much younger mum in my antenatal group. She was more popular than me with the others, and was 15-20 years younger than most of them.

I do think it probably just means you have less in common though. You probably have very different career experience for example (if any), are likely to be in a less secure financial state so they might not invite you to social events that are expensive. You will have grown up with different music/films etc

Obviously not everyone can be besties with every person. Obviously people who are similar or have the same interests will naturally cluster together. But by saying "well I wouldn't approach teen mums because they probably don't have my values" etc, you start practically cutting off whole groups of people on a very judgmental basis. No one is saying you can't do this, you absolutely can. Can you imagine if everyone did this though? We'd all be completely tribal.

Anyway, we seem to mostly agree - you can choose to not be friends with anyone you want. You can be as absolutely judgmental as you like. I am also allowed to think that is a pretty sad, boring and narrow-minded way of interacting with the world, but I do acknowledge it happens a lot.

I appreciate that posters honesty, I think some up the school gates probably think similarly. Some people can hide the fact they were a young mum because they look/dress older than they are. I unfortunately can’t seem to do that because of my height and face shape I guess. I look even younger than I am and I don’t mean that in a good way.
I try wearing smart clothes like a skirt I look like a school girl. I try wearing sports/casual clothes I look like a teenager.

I imagine it happens a lot. I just don't think it should.

I'm everything you seem to approve of, a professional who married and then had two kids in her 30's that we can afford, have no financial reliance on anyone.

After the judgement you've shown here, I wouldn't want be friends with you because you have a bad attitude that you might pass on to my kids. You won't care, and that's fine, we don't all need to be friends. Fortunately I don't come across many with this attitude in real life.

I'd rather be friends with 10 pleasant teen mums like the OP than someone who judges someone on when they had a baby, or whether they are single, or not married, or struggling to support their family.

Someone who chose to stick to her morals (whether you agree with those morals or not), and give up teenage freedom, in order to be a responsible mum (which is what she sounds like), and clearly is managing fine, shows a huge amount of courage.

I will be pleasant to anyone at the school gates if they are pleasant to me, but it's not a surprise to me that the school mums I am actual friends with are all 40-something professionals like me. People are tribal.

Are you being serious? She doesn't need to offer to babysit their child. I don't expect parents to offer to take my child home after school - in fact I'd rather they didn't. I'm happy if someone suggests going to the park or for a picnic, with me there too!

Please don't judge her and try and dress it up as ''just my opinion'' nonsense. She's not a child, but you are speaking to her as one. Read back through your posts and assess your language - think about what you're saying to another woman and mother - whatever her age may be. It's patronising, judgmental and presumptuous. You are not perfect and will have made numerous mistakes in your life. I'm honestly shocked by what I'm reading, and at the age of 39 over here, I'd far rather chat and get to know the young Mum than someone who chooses to speak to someone else in this manner. A mum who I'm sure is doing an absolutely fabulous job of raising her child and has 10x the energy I have!