Could the reason I haven’t made mum friends be my age?

[Dentalxray]

Dd been at primary school for three years and in that time I’ve not made a single mum friend, they’ll only talk to me if I approach them first and then it’s just surface level stuff like the weather. Nothing to do with dds behaviour she’s a good girl and it’s been like this since reception. I do worry she might be missing out in the summer when the other mums meet up with the kids.
I had her at 16 so they’re all 10-20 years older than me, be honest would you want to be mum friends with someone that much younger than you? Or could it be something else?

Well my son is the same age as your child and I’m 42. Like a PP says, I’d probably assume someone in their early 20s wouldn’t want to be friends with me! He’s also my third child (elder 2 at secondary) so I guess for me theres an element of ‘been there, done that’ in terms of school mum friendships. It’s just not a priority for me.
Id be polite and friendly if you chatted to me though!

I've been at the primary school gates for 10 years now and I haven't made any friends with any of the school parents. Lots of casual acquaintances and I can pass the time with most of the parents of my children's classes. I don't really see the school parents as a place where I would meet or make a firm friend. The only thing we had initially in common is children in the same class, which is a really minimal basis to make good friends.

Do you want to be friends with a group of women who are that much older than you and who don't seem to be particularly friendly?

I had my eldest at 20. I made friends at the local playgroups when she was 1/2 years old so when she started school we I had established friends. It’s possible a lot of these parents already knew each other. Since then I’ve made acquaintances at school playground through our kids playing together/ parties. But I haven’t made established friends.

I am at the other end of the spectrum and I’m a very much older Mum (because I am not birth Mum). I have gradually made individual Mum friends over the years, and my age hasn’t entered into it. However, I am aware that my child’s School has an extremely strong parental ecosystem of which I’m not part of or even privy to. It is tempting to look for reasons. For me, I’m pretty sure it is not my age that is the major difficulty. It is probably a whole number of unrelated reasons.

When you look for reasons, it is tempting to lump everything together and decide that the causal issue must be you and because you’re younger, you decide it must be your age. But it’s probably due to a whole load of unrelated reasons, many to do with the way the other parents operate, and a TEENY bit to do with you. It is only to do with you in that you are there so you are inevitably part of it. I mean that in a neutral kind of way, if that’s possible: often to do with children having older siblings at school so parents know each other anyway and maybe knowing each other through a nursery first, going to other clubs, and other things. It means they are better networked from the start. Stick at it and I feel that some genuine friendships will eventually emerge.

I think for me, I'm always keen to have a friendly relationship with the other parents, but I don't really want to make another "full on friend" (of any age) as I don't have enough time to see the friends I already have! But I'm always up for arranging things that the kids will enjoy.

I would probably keep it child-centred e.g. invite one of your DD's friends over to your house or out to the park. You could always say the other mum is welcome to come along or you are happy to have them / take them yourself. Then your DD gets a playdate without the pressure / time pressure of the mum feeling she has to be sociable. You will then probably develop a friendly relationship with the other parents even if it's just from chatting at drop-off.

And it was similar when I had my youngest in my thirties so same age as everyone else

I think you might be right op and I think some pp are putting this a bit much on you - I was looking to make friends for myself at the school gates and rightly or wrongly I looked for those mums that I perceived to have the most in common with me. Judging by the school gate groups I'm not the only one.

I was never really that into trying to make mum friends just for the kids to get together as I work FT so we never did the whole playdate/park thing apart from a couple of really awkward ones that put me off altogether

Exactly what I was going to say!!

how many play dates ( or even just the park after school if there's one near by) have you instigated?

maybe they all have an older child & have been friends before your daughters year?

you have weeks befire the summer holidays, be proactive!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I don’t in this whole school gate mum friends thing on here. I drive up to the school, my dc get out and I wave them off and go on my way to work.

It is still a thing that exists even if you personally don't do it. We have some parents that drop off, and quite a few that stay for a chat before going about their day.

Then it doesn't apply to you at all, clearly, if you drive to the school gates, decant your child, and keep going? But it does apply to other people, who walk their children to school and/or have children who need to be waited with in the yard until they're let in by staff.

This sounds hard OP! I don’t know how pro active I’d be about making friends with a 21 year old if I’m honest (I’m 41)! No shade, I just can’t imagine how much we’d have in common other than having birthed a child. I often work with much younger people and I think loads of them are great and enjoy a laugh with them but I wouldn’t dream of inviting them around for dinner our out for a beer as we’re just on totally different stages of life (and I assume they feel the exact same!).

But play dates are a different story, I wouldn’t resist a play date for my child based on their parents age. Maybe your child’s next birthday is a good opportunity to forge relationships? Invite her best three pals from school out for ice creams and a movie and maybe from there establish something a bit more regular? You could suggest childcare swaps

Maybe there is a Facebook group for younger local mums? If you’re a single parent there might be one for single parents too? I only suggest that because my best playdate relationships are with other single mums, we do a lot of childcare swaps and get holidays away together. Coupled up parents can be a lot harder to make friends with as they’re a bi6 more of a self contained unit at weekends/hols.

I don't want to make friends at the school gate, perhaps others are the same. If I did though, I do think your age might put me off if I was mid 30s - early 40s. I just don't think (other than kids) we'd be at the same stage of life, or have anything outside of children in common.

TBH I did notice the parents of children in DD's classes who were a bit younger than the average perhaps felt a bit intimidated by the 30 and 40 somethings in the playground. In fact they tended to become friendly with those other parents who were a bit younger.

Perhaps the age gap feels a lot when you are in your 20s? In a way that it doesn't perhaps, by your mid 30s, say. I was about 34 when DD1 started school and made friends with parents who were often five to ten years older but perhaps not so much ten years younger. Not because I was unfriendly towards them but perhaps they felt they didn't have enough common ground with me.

Make friends with other young mums, not playground mummy mafia. Lots post of local FB groups about things like that

Ultimately most people form friendships with people they share a lot in common with.

It may sound judgy, i dont care, but having a child at 16 is a very particular choice that these days is increasingly uncommon. I knew a handful of kids at school had babies at 16/17 but i had very little in common with them then when we were the same age even, because my priorities were studying, getting good grades, working towards going to uni. I was a bit less mature than those kids were and had never had a boyfriend at age 16 let alone having sex.

In my mid-30's with primary aged kids I still didnt really have much in common with the people who'd chosen to have a child at 16, they'd chosen a completely different life path to me motivated by different priorities and aspirations.

And as others have noted - when you are 37 and picking up your reception child you tend to assume that the 20/21 year old picking up theirs would not be interested in being friends with someone so much older! You dont have the same shared cultural references etc.

OP have you invited children around to your home for a playdate? Sometimes a bit of chitchat happens more organically when the parent picks up their child from a playdate, sometimes the kids want to play for a bit longer and you end up inviting their parent in for a quick cuppa?

Actually, yes, I think it's your age. But that doesn't mean you can't be friendly with these people. DD's BFF's mum was also a very young mum, while I'm an older mum (comparatively). The girls think it's hilarious that DH is old enough to be BFF's grandfather (and yes, her actual grandfather is only a few years older than him!). We all get on just fine and we've been out for drinks a few times etc or we'll hang and have a cup of tea at the start or end of play dates etc, and I like her very much and we definitely have a helpful shared/friendly relationship.... but, the age gap means that no, we haven't become super close. We're just in very very different places in our lives, notwithstanding having similar aged children.

She's just had another baby... I'm on the final slide to full blown menopause.
She's had 2 serious relationships (and a coupel of short term ones) in the years I've known her.... 've been married to DH the entire time. And she's still learning about relationships and who she is.
She's just starting her career and is in the early stages - I'm in senior leadership.

I like her a lot, we get on well, I think she feels the same about me, but no, we're not friends in the true sense of the word.

Having said that, you could at the very least develop the relationship I have with this mum and doing that is things like inviting her in for a drink or a tea before/after playdates, or suggesting a group activity with the kids, or setting up an evening and inviting others to attend. We've had some fun days out with the kids, plenty of glasses of wine or cups of tea at playdates etc.

I’d suggest going to baby and toddler groups with your second child. For me that was a much easier way to chat with other parents and make friends with some, and we used to arrange meet-ups in the park, soft play etc. Keep it up after she starts school if possible.

I’m a bit wary about inviting them round mine in all honesty in case they judge how small my home is (or more likely than that is their children seeing and maybe teasing dd over it) but I’ve been inviting them to parks and the beach (we live near the beach) they’ll say they’re busy

I live in an area where most of the school parents are 45+. I’m 28 and I’m the youngest mum by a few years for my son’s school year (had my son at 21). They’re all pretty friendly with me now and one of my mum friends is 47. I think it really depends what you put into it. I made more acquaintances recently when I went off for maternity with my 2nd because I had the time to stop and chat at the school gates. Before that I didn’t really talk to many people at my son’s school.

Try putting yourself forward and inviting regular little chats. It starts with weather conversation and then it can build over time. I’m sorry you’re struggling, it can be such an intimidating environment when you feel like the ‘young one’ at the school gates. Sometime it feels like the other mums don’t take you seriously (and some might not tbh). Try not to dwell on it too much and focus on topics you’ll have in common with them, I.e, the kids.

I read once that the basic components to making friends at any age are:

1. find out their name and use it often when speaking to them (in natural conversation of course, not in a weird way)
2. find out something they are interested in, remember it, and ask them about it often (again in a natural way don’t be weird)
3. time. It apparantly takes a minimum of 40 hours to turn an acquaintance into a friend. So persevere with those weather conversations and don’t give up too early.

im not an expert on any of the above it’s just something I read and shared with my daughter when she was struggling to make friends

Probably? I had mine at 16 too and it was definitely a factor.

I was fine with it though, it only bothered me during school activities and stuff. I think being friends just based on both having kids can be quite tricky.

In all honesty there aren’t any around here. I’ve only ever come across a few others and they unfortunately weren’t very friendly at all

@Dentalxray does your school have class Whatsapp groups or Facebook groups or similar? Are you on those? We also have an identified class rep for organising things related to the PTA, and they would organise whole class meet ups over the summer or similar things. Helping out at school events and going on class trips is a good way to get involved and be more "known" around the school.

A lot of the class mums at my children's school went to the same primary school (the one my kids go to!), the same secondary school and therefore have known each other for 30 to 40 odd years. I am not going to be their first choice of person to be invited to anything as I am not part of that group. Which is fine for me as I'm not particularly interested in making good friends with any of them.